Keeping Christ

Hatred: A Heavy Burden

2012-01-02T18:37:00.001-08:00

This past Christmas season, my family and I read suggested scriptures from an Advent Calendar. One night, we read this entry: “Jesus came to lift our burdens. One of the heaviest burdens we carry is that of hate. In teaching us to forgive, the Lord set us free.” This season, I came to know just how that true that really is.

Because of some events surrounding Thanksgiving, I had already been reflecting on the many ways I needed to remove the beam from my own eye instead of trying to remove the mote from everyone else's. It seemed that I kept catching myself committing similar sins to those I'd been criticizing in others. They may have been different in the way they manifested, but underneath the surface, they were the same. As I saw this, it became easier to forgive others and my heart began to feel more of this freedom.

However, the feeling was challenged mid-season as I found myself once again facing this burden of hatred in some form. Emotions like resentment, desire for revenge and the fulfillment of angry desires in reaction to being wronged by others swirled around me and at times even entered my own heart. Then I read this entry, along with these scriptures.

Matthew 18:21-22 is the scripture where Jesus says we should forgive those who wrong us repeatedly. Not just seven times, but seventy times seven. As I explained to my daughter that night that the numbers were symbols for an infinity of forgiveness, my heart was pricked and I knew that forgiveness would always be required of me and others no matter how many times we were wronged.

Then I read Matthew 6:14-15, which says, “For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” My own deep need to be forgiven became very real to me again and I began to remember how free it feels to just forgive. I let go and enjoyed the Spirit of Christmas to a greater degree after that.

Yet another time near the end of the season, I felt wronged again. This time it was personal. I was angry. I needed time. I needed to experience all the emotions flowing through me and then, I had to humble myself in prayer. I had to ask the Lord to do what I could not do: help me to love the one whom I felt had wronged me. And as I prayed and wept, thoughts of my own hypocrisy came back to me again along with these words: “[The person who wronged you] is trying the best they can. They have flaws just like you. Their flaws are just different than yours. But in their heart they have no malice toward you. They are doing the best they can.” It seemed as though a window opened in my mind into the life of this person. New understanding came about the way they might see things and I wept all the more as my heart was released from the chains of hatred. I made amends, and after that, it seemed as though I was soaring through my days, free to concern myself with my own dreams, the joys of my family, and when necessary, the beams in my own eye, rather than being weighed down by my hatred of someone else's mote.

I'm so thankful for the way the Lord teaches me when I allow Him to. I'm so thankful for the way He changes my heart when I ask Him to. Truly, God's Son is the greatest gift ever given in all of eternity. What He can do for you and me is simply amazing.

The Quiet of a Storm, Part II

2011-11-21T19:26:00.000-08:00

Today, I share a personal story that is an example of the Lord's love and wisdom. He has awesome capacity to perform miracles in our lives, even when an unexpected outcome is not what the world would think might be best.

In October, Heath and I found out we were expecting. This was entirely unexpected. What was even more unexpected were the feelings of exhilaration and excitement I had upon finding out. My son was only 21 months old at the time. I had some concerns, and I was still sort of in denial when I went to the doctor at six weeks, but when I saw the tiny heartbeat, I smiled and began to really embrace the idea. Still, I tried to keep myself at least a little detached, waiting for week twelve to get here before I made any announcements or pulled out any maternity clothes. Yet I could not help but begin to feel excited, especially about telling Jesstyn. Sadly, on Saturday, November 12th, I began to bleed. The doctor said to wait until Monday to come in unless the bleeding was really heavy.

I knelt in prayer and poured out my heart, pleading with the Lord to save the pregnancy if that is what would be best for us at this time. Nevertheless, I acknowledged that He can see our lives more clearly than I can and I expressed my willingness to accept any outcome, knowing that He would not give me any trial I could not bear. I closed my prayer and rested for a while.

Though the outcome was still unknown, I think I spent part of Sunday submitting to the belief that I was miscarrying. Though the bleeding had subsided, it did not stop. I came to understand that this would likely be a loss and began preparing myself to have that confirmed on Monday. Although many feelings of sorrow came to me, something else came with them: powerful love and gratitude for my husband and two children. Pure joy and a cherished vision of each of them came to my eyes anew. I knew that the Lord wanted me to carry away these new visions from this experience. So I was really already at peace about it before I heard the news. We scheduled the D&C for Wednesday, Nov 16th. The feelings of joy have continued after the surgery as I cherish the time I have with my children and look forward to playing with them more than I did before. In particular, a much stronger bond has formed between myself and my son, James.

When Jesstyn was born, she was the granting of a very long and drawn out desire to have a child of our very own. We miscarried once before she was conceived. I am seeing now that our two miscarriages are mirror images of one another emotionally. I have often thanked the Lord for the strong bond I formed with my daughter during her first year of life. It was filled with some of the most intensely joyful feelings I have ever felt. Because of the first miscarriage, I deeply desired to enjoy every single moment of mothering my first baby. And I took the time to do it.

When James was born, however, there were many more difficulties associated with his birth and first year that left me feeling emotionally detached from him. I longed for the same feelings of exhilaration that came with baby Jesstyn, but they were only there in fleeting moments. It seemed that I could not relate to this little boy as well, or that I was not capable of devoting as much of myself to him. Now, with the passing of another miscarriage, the Lord has taken my heart and stitched it together with my son's and we are knit together as closely as we ever could have been. My eyes are open wider to see the joy in his eyes as he discovers new things and masters new skills each day.

My husband and I have grown closer through all of this as well. I know that it is not easy to pass through the loss of a child, unborn or not. I know that everyone's experience is different. I do not wish to belittle anyone's sorrow, for I know that there are many experiences much, much worse than mine. I just can't help but share how this experience, for me, has strengthened my faith in the Lord. He does know our needs. He knows what will help us grow. Someone said in church one Sunday that the Lord loves us enough to allow us to hurt so that we can grow and become better from it. I know He knows what is best.

I must say that through all of this, my perspective and pain would have been much worse if I did not have the light of the gospel of Jesus Christ in my heart. My surgery happened on the 14th anniversary of my baptism into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I cannot think that this is mere coincidence. Because of this Church, I know that this life is a test of our faith. I know that the Lord loves me and would not allow me to pass through anything I could not handle, as long as I rely on Him for help. I know that He intends for me to learn from my experiences. I also know that families can be together forever and that our relationships in families will endure beyond this lifetime. I know that there will be opportunity for me to have more children in the future, whether immediate or in eternity. Knowing all this as well as having the Gift of the Holy Ghost to guide me, and being a woman who has made covenants with the Lord, all work together to help me through trials such as these. So I will not allow my loss to place any seeds of doubt about whether or not there is a God or whether or not He cares for me. On the contrary, the blessings that have come to us because of this loss are proof to me that God does exist and that He is very active in our lives in trying to orchestrate experiences that will make not only us, but our families, better and happier.

Lately, it seems as though we, as well as our extended family, have been bombarded with trials all at once. As I've pondered this, I remembered the snowstorm I wrote about two years ago. A weekend that was to be filled with the hectic frenzy of the holidays turned out to be a quiet, cherished weekend enjoying my husband and daughter. Now it seems as though our family has entered a snowstorm of trials and I can't help but wonder whether the Lord is trying to help us to be quiet and still, and know that He is God and there is still much joy to be found in this life.

White Doves and Gratitude

2011-11-07T19:24:00.000-08:00

Today was wonderful! This is not the first time this has happened to me, where a period that feels like a mist of darkness is followed by a day that is simply perfect. I mean, so perfect that I grew more and more pleasantly astonished as the afternoon turned to evening and the day continued to be filled with joy and goodness.

Okay, okay, so the morning did not start off the greatest, I guess, now that I think about it. The time change helped my 21-month-old wake up at 5 am asking for “ro-ro's” (cheerios). And I went to bed late the night before. I laid in bed until he brought me a marker with no lid. Then I figured I'd better get up and see what he was up to in the next room. It helped my attitude that he had not marked on anything but himself and I was hungry, too. So we shared a bowl. These early morning wakings also afford us more time to just play and look at books. It was time for me to enjoy my son. When it was time, we woke up sister with a cheerio book and the morning was off. Somehow, I stayed on task and everyone was happy and she got on the bus on time with all of her breakfast actually in her tummy.

Then I was able to go back to sleep for an hour before my husband left for work. This made up for the 5 am awakening. We said another prayer together before my husband left for work, a humble plea for help at the beginning of a new week.

So...then we played trains. Then I was able to accomplish a few things while James played by himself. Oh, okay and I guess nap time went a little awry, too...didn't feed him enough lunch, apparently. But somehow it didn't mess up my day. He still went down for his nap and I still had plenty of time before Jesstyn got home. Then I was inspired to write. And I finished a chapter! The chapter I'd been trying to finish for a year and a half! Hello!? That was awesome. And the timing was just perfect. I finished right before Jesstyn got off the bus and James woke up.

And when I went outside to get her, it was a beautifully perfect day! Picturesque. Except a picture can't convey the perfect temperature and the feel of the sunlight or the crunch of the leaves. Or the shrieks of laughter from my children or the thrill in their eyes as they played. My dad came by for a surprise visit. We raked up the biggest pile of leaves of the season. Jesstyn made leaf angels. We went over to our neighbor's house and picked some turnips that were beautiful.

The highlight of the afternoon, though, was watching two white doves fly above our heads. It was the first time I'd ever seen white doves. These magnificent creatures stood out brightly against all that was around them. No matter where they flew, we could still clearly see them. I was so impressed with their loveliness and thought it is no wonder that Heavenly Father chose this bird as a symbol of his Holy Spirit. Those who are filled with the Holy Ghost are a light to the world and all who are around them. The Spirit brings an amazing light to our understanding.

My father and I gazed at them in wonder. I commented on their whiteness and he told me of a vase he created in honor of my mother. It has three candles at the top, the middle one higher. It stands for Christ and the two side candles are for the thieves who were crucified beside him. The base is snow white. He said, with tears in his eyes and his face turning red, “That is what your mother is to me.” He paused and added, “I know none of us are perfect and white, but to me, that's what she is.” I nodded as I gazed into his eyes and felt thankful for him and his genuine love for my mother.

We said good-bye to “PePop” and went inside to do homework. We had an early dinner and used our “Thanking Cap” inspired by last night's Family Night lesson, where we had to say five things we were thankful for when wearing the cap. The sun set. We caught the beautiful scene out the front window of the glow of descending twilight on the yellow-leaved trees. We had time for baths. We had time for a card game together with Daddy when he got home. We read scriptures. My daughter said our prayer and she said “We thank thee...” for more than just “this day.” I enjoyed putting my son to bed. I enjoyed a conversation on the phone and the feeling of helping someone. Now I am writing about it all. It is the way a day should end.

What is different about this day? Certainly, the Lord intervened. Yet does he not intervene each and every day of my life to give me blessings, even many times blessings I do not deserve? What was different about today?

The difference was that I felt grateful for it. Because I was not busy being negative or complaining or worrying or stressing or feeling behind or feeling obligated or feeling resentful or feeling disconnected...I was free to feel joy.

I felt so much joy that I could not help but feel grateful for it. Grateful to the Lord, whose hand is in my life each day. How much clearer I see my life when I acknowledge His hand in it! D&C 59:21 says, “And in nothing doth man offend God, or against none is his wrath kindled, save those who confess not his hand in all things.”

Instead of lamenting the loss of sleep, I enjoyed the time with my son, hoping that I would sleep later. When the morning went well, I was pleased. When I napped, I was grateful. When I kept a slow pace so I could just play with my son, I enjoyed watching him learn how to properly play with the train set. When I worked on some things for the end of the year, I was not unhappy about it taking up my time, but was grateful to have the time to do it before life got too busy and overwhelming with the holidays. When my son wouldn't go to sleep, I was still able to let those events flow with my housework and still get things done – and I was happy for it to work out that way. When I sat down to write, I prayed for inspiration and then received it. I was so grateful.

I continued throughout the day to notice its beauty and how well the timing of everything was working out. Each time I took note of a blessing, my thoughts were underscored by the knowledge that it wasn't my doing; it was the Lord's. That is what made the difference. My husband told me about the beautiful doves just yesterday. He sees them often, apparently, but I told him I'd never noticed them. And do you know what he said? “Look up sometimes.” Today, I did.

Time Out for Women

2011-10-24T12:34:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I attended my third Time Out for Women Conference, this one in Richmond, Virginia. These conferences are always so uplifting. I always come home with renewed determination to live the gospel of Jesus Christ and feel the joy it brings.

The flavor of this Conference was a little different this time. In the past, I've gone and spent the time mostly being made to feel better about how I was doing. I've thrived on hearing others who relate to me and what I go through as a Christian, a wife, a mother. This time, a few other messages came across, albeit in a very strengthening, empowering way. I came away feeling challenged to do more, to become more.

One message was that, yes, we all have trials, and they keep piling on sometimes. We get to where we think we're in too deep and we cannot handle it any longer. Yet with an eternal perspective, we can see that right in the midst of trials and hardship is where we want to be. That's because the trials put us in a place where we seek to be the closest to the Lord that we have ever been. They make us aware of His tender mercies in our lives. Were the trials not there, we could not see His awesome power in alleviating them or in causing us to feel peace and grow in their midst. We must open our hearts to the great Atoning Sacrifice of the Lord, and allow his power to transform us.

Another message was that Jesus Christ can heal all wounds and bring peace to any soul no matter what has happened to them in the past. An African woman bore solemn witness of how the Savior has healed her and continues to help her feel peace daily as she seeks Him and commits her life to serving Him. She experienced horrific crimes against her in Africa when she was thirteen and she and a group of friends were attacked, and some were terribly mutilated and killed. Somehow she was rescued from death at their hands. She quoted scripture after scripture from memory about how He helps us. She spoke of one of the women who stood with her in the final moments of rescue from their attackers. She kept in touch with this woman over the years. She said when she speaks with her now, her friend says to her that she speaks as if nothing ever happened. That is because the Lord has healed her. She even spoke of forgiving her attackers, and how the Lord forgave those who mocked him, “for they know not what they do.” She talked of being so grateful for the small hygiene kit she'd received from the Church as a refugee and how she was able to share it with twenty-five women who were deeply grateful. Hearing her message was very eye-opening about other parts of the world and how much more difficult the trials of others can be.

After this, I surprisingly met a South African woman who was also attending the Conference. She has been living in the US for 3 years, after 17 years of waiting to get a green card to move here with her family. Her home in South Africa, as everyone's home, was protected from gangs with black bars on every window, alarms on the roof, six foot high walls surrounding it with barbed wire at the top. That is how they live! Schools have to have extreme security there. We have no idea how great we have it in America! Again, my eyes were opened to my extremely blessed situation.

The overriding message was reliance on the Savior. We must truly search the scriptures and pray over them until we are filled with the love of God and His Holy Spirit. That is the only way we can face our trials. We were never meant to face them alone! Life wasn't meant to be easy, but it can be peaceful and joyful. You can find holiness in the midst of chaos. You do it by searching the scriptures, prayerfully asking the Lord specifically for what you need, (not just asking that he bless everyone else), and going all out, leaping with faith toward the goal of becoming the person you were meant to become, and seeking small ways to serve others daily. The Lord has a plan for your life. He knows your struggles. He's allowed them so that they will drive you to seek Him. With every trial, we have another opportunity to choose faith. We have to turn our hearts over to Him completely so that He can transform us into new beings. We often pray to be relieved of stress and trials without realizing that it is our trials that challenge us and change us and ultimately save our eternal lives!

One speaker recounted how his born-again Christian friends would ask him, “Have you been saved by grace?” He would emphatically answer, “Yes! Have you been changed by grace?” We know that the Lord saves us, but what does he save us for? We will not only return to live with our Heavenly Father, but we will feel comfortable living there because we will be like Him. When the Savior performed his first miracle of changing the water into wine, He was announcing in a powerful way that He has the power to change things – even things that seem impossible to change. If you cry out, “This is just who I am, I can't be any better,” then you are denying His power to work in your life.

Practical advice included: Identify the least holy moments in your daily life and try to do something to make them a little more holy and remember the Savior. (Such as piling all the kids in the car – say I love you to each one individually as you buckle them in, or put on some music while doing the dinner clean-up). Also, find friends who go through what you go through and interact with them. Spend half an hour Sunday planning and reflecting on your family's interaction. Frequently get away from it all for 24 hours to just reflect about life and evaluate where you are and where you want to be and what you need.

A few of my favorite quotes were:
“If you can't stand it anymore, kneel!”
“A person who is too busy to pray is busier than the Lord would have him or her to be.”
“LDS stands for Let's Do Something.”
“We become what we want to be by consistently being what we want to become.”
“Tribulation can make you bitter or better.”
“Our relationship with Christ should be like the air we breathe.”
“Don't be the one thing that stands in your way.”
“If it was right when you prayed about it, it's right now.”
“We gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” (Eleanor Roosevelt)

As usual, Time Out for Women was a great experience. I am just as determined as before to do all the Lord has commanded me to do, to become the woman he meant for me to be – but now I remember that I must rely on His power to help me each and every day.

Blessings and Trials

2011-09-09T10:28:00.000-07:00

These past few weeks have been challenging to say the least. A few times, I've been so exhausted that I felt as though I might reach my breaking point. I've been going and going and giving and giving. Just doing it. Because it is the right thing to do. This past Sunday, I bore testimony at church about how I am receiving some of my greatest blessings while going through some of the toughest trials I've ever been through. Because so much of my time is devoted to doing what I must to help take care of someone who needs me, what I want has dropped nearly out of the picture. Out of necessity, my daily tasks and desires for accomplishment have been stripped to a bare minimum. I've been forced to prioritize. I've had to go easy on what I expect to accomplish.

Knowing that I could never make it through this without the Lord's help, I have knelt in prayer more frequently than usual. I have tried to make sure I read the scriptures daily, searching them more deeply at times. I know that if I allow this trial to steal away my time with the Lord, then Satan will take advantage of his chance to steal away my peace and undermine my self-control.

Also knowing that I could never make it through this without feeling my family's support and love, I've tried my best to subvert all other tasks to simply spending time with my husband and children in the small moments that I can find it. I'm even making more eye contact with them, seeing them as treasures each time I look. I could not allow this trial to give Satan the opportunity to sabotage my closest relationships toward failure.

All this said, I am not perfect. I could have done better most days. Nor am I anywhere near capable of handling what I've handled in the past few weeks all on my own. Yesterday, I prayed while sitting under a tree in my front yard waiting for my daughter to get off the bus. All afternoon and evening, I was at peace. It was one of those days where I occasionally thought, 'okay, this is getting more stressful, you are not going to be able to handle all of this, you are going to snap.' But even while having these thoughts, I was still at peace. In reality, I came nowhere near breaking down.

It was like I was watching myself in slow motion and wondering, “Wow, how am I doing this?” and “This is incredible.”

Late last evening, it dawned on me that I am not the only one praying for me. I told my husband, “This must be what it feels like to feel the prayers of others.” The tremendous peace I've felt and the sustaining strength that the Lord has given me is in answer to the prayers of many. Thank you to all those who have prayed and will pray for me.

I can't say that a few years ago I would have handled all this as well. In the past, I have allowed Satan to take advantage of stressful times, expecting myself to keep caught up on things, losing sleep, worrying my way through every task and every relationship, snapping at my family because of the stress I'd put myself under, forgetting to pray and sing hymns and study the scriptures and wondering why the Lord wasn't helping me more.

This time, instead of feeling resentful because of how much I've sacrificed, wishing vainly that others would acknowledge my suffering, my eyes have been opened to just how much I am loved. Our family has more unity and feelings of love than it did before. My prayers are more filled with gratitude for the incredible answers to prayers we've received. Gratitude that things are not much, much worse.

How is it that I can receive such blessings in the midst of such trials? I don't think there is any other way that I could receive them. Now I know what James meant when he said, “My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into many afflictions” (James 1:2).

All is Well

2011-07-24T19:59:00.000-07:00

I suppose I've been somewhat silent for a time on my blog. I have had many impressions come and go as to things I ought to write about. Teachings of the Savior that I am learning line by line, little by little. I seem to recall praying about a year and a half ago that the Lord would purify me and help me to be truly “born again” into a new person who is very Christlike and not so … like my old self. As I have endured the trials he's sent my way, I have learned many things. Much of that learning has come from reacting the wrong way first – with harsh words or feelings - and then later coming to understand how the Savior would act. I'm trying to bring myself into alignment with Him. I think I am succeeding now more than I did a year and a half ago. For that, I am grateful, though it took trials, study and prayer to get me here.

Wendy Nelson said that change is like turning a corner. When we truly make a deeply heartfelt change in our lives, we cannot look back and see the old self. It is gone from us. We do not react the same way we used to. We are made new through the power of Christ's Atonement as we faithfully pray for him to strengthen us, because our own strength and determination is not enough. I testify that he truly answers those prayers. He really can change our hearts and make us so that we feel and think differently – better – than we used to.

When the possibility of losing a loved one arises, it seems the most exquisite trial one could face. All sorts of reactions may result. Yet to me, more devastating than mortal death is the spiritual death of a loved one, or their lack of spiritual health to whatever degree, or the death of a family or marriage. One of the most heart wrenching pains I feel as I live this life on earth is that sorrow that comes as I witness unnecessary pain in the lives of those I love, (myself included). When we live beneath our potential. When we make it harder than it needs to be because we try to do it all by ourselves, without the Lord. When we lack the faith to pray and ask for help as the scriptures say (over and over again!), “Ask and it shall be given unto you. Seek and ye shall find. Knock and the door shall be opened unto you.” I can still hear the tune that I learned as a child singing these words.

Though I know that each person is at his or her own point in their lifelong journey of learning, it is still painful to know that there are so many blessings our Heavenly Father would pour out upon them, if they simply obeyed His word, humbled themselves, and asked for help. Asking is not the whole deal, though. There are many who would say, “Now wait just a minute, I've been asking for help for years and I've got nothing to show for it.” There is more than just frantically asking when you feel hopeless and helpless. Or asking out of despair because you just can't take anymore, or because you just feel lost.

He will give unto you, but what good is a gift if he to whom it is given doth not receive it? He will help you find what you need, but you have to reach out and embrace it. He will open the door for you, but you have to walk through it. In other words, BELIEVE in his promise. He can change you, much easier than you can change yourself. Faith is to be acted upon, not just thought about. We must listen for what he tells us to act on. We must rise up from our knees, determined to obey His instruction.

Death is not really scary to me. It is difficult to handle, for certain. There are missed opportunities, and longings, and heartache. But one of the principles of the gospel that attracted me the most when I first learned of it was this: Death is only one step in our eternal progression. It is not something to be feared. Mourned, surely, but ultimately we can be at peace about it. Even those who perhaps were not quite yet prepared to meet God will have the chance, on the other side of the Veil, to continue progressing, repenting, gaining understanding and knowledge, reviewing the lessons learned from their earth life, and even receiving the blessings ordinances such as baptism. As they progress, they are prepared to share this glad message of Christ with others who are still trying to understand. They are even allowed to watch over the family they left behind on the earth and help them along their journey.

So when we are presented with a trial that may lead to the physical death of someone we love, or even ourselves, we can pray for peace and receive it. We can have faith and trust in the Lord. We can and should hope for a miracle. But if it is indeed time for someone to pass through the Veil, we can exercise faith and allow it to drive us to spiritually grow, knowing we will see them again one day.

A few months after I first met my husband, a dear friend of mine died suddenly in a car accident. He was 19. I was hysterical. But Heath was at peace. His amazing ability to be relaxed about it was so comforting to me. He said that perhaps this young man had a mission to fulfill on the other side of the Veil. Something important that Heavenly Father needed him to do. I was so shocked and intrigued by this incredibly peaceful eternal perspective. Now I know that we must trust in the Lord in the face of death. He knows more than we do. He knows what we can handle. He knows what we might regret and how much that can teach us and propel us into spiritual growth. Perhaps as a loving Father in Heaven, He allows physical suffering, and even death, in order to prevent the more important spiritual death that may take us if we allow it to. It is one of the trials we knew we might face when we came here to the earth. Yet we took fresh courage and came anyway, knowing our God would never forsake us.

A hymn we sang at church today includes the line: “And if we die before our journey's through, Happy Day, All is Well.” I believe it would take a long period of mourning before I could sing with a full heart that All is Well. But because of what I know to be true in the gospel of Jesus Christ, I know that day would come and I would “make that chorus swell. All is well. All is well.”

Exercise Hope

2011-06-24T12:32:00.001-07:00

I've been up and down the roller-coaster of emotion and life, with hills of zealous plans for accomplishment and valleys in the mundane slowness of life. All this in the midst of an effort to try to get back to a routine for my life that provides time for reaching goals while allowing flexibility to meet needs and nurture my family. I am finding that each time I progress and learn, I always return to my Lists and Schedules. Sometimes I overdo it, but I just cannot seem to live without structure and still thrive. When I let good habits slide, all other areas of my life begin to slide, too, as well as my attitudes and quality of life. Here's my list: I wake up early, pray, read scriptures, exercise most days, do garden or housework, shower, have family prayer, and so on. There are a number of things in the evening, too, such as family scripture study, more prayer and preparation for the following day, as well as spending time with my husband, that all have their own routine and place in ending my day well.

Anyway, just as I was getting into following that routine, which helps me eat healthier, too, (top of the hill, here) I decided one evening after the kids were in bed to try to start putting away the three large laundry baskets filled with clutter that had been cleared from other spaces in the house while cleaning over the past few weeks. For whatever reason, I just wasn't at the top of my game that night and I got really overwhelmed by the task. So I shirked the work and made cookies instead. It was a steep ride downhill from there. In no time, I was sailing straight into the depths of misery as I consumed many more cookies than I should have, inadvertently overlooking the milk warning on the chocolate chip label. (I am lactose intolerant). I was sick the whole night, not terribly, but enough to be unhappy. I was mostly mad at myself for the loss of control over such a small thing.

If I had just plowed through the task and used all that time more wisely, it would have been done and I would have been happy with the accomplishment. Or, if I had just followed my end of day routine and spent time talking with my husband, or praying for help, I would have been much more at peace in allowing the task to wait another day. The loopty-loops continued the following day as I drove 20 minutes to buy beads, then shopped for clothing for 1.5 hours with NO success with two children along, then missed my toddler's nap because he had a catnap on the way home and he couldn't go back to sleep after that...you can imagine what the rest of my day was like. I was depressed and down on myself. Dare I say I had allowed despair to displace all hope.

How does that happen? One moment we are at the top of the world, and in a matter of one or two choices, one or two thoughts, one or two reactions, and we are plummeting into despair faster than we can call for help.

I began to recover from that little episode as I read about hope in Elder Steven E. Snow's recent talk. I learned that hope is something that we can choose to exercise, just like faith and charity. He said, “Hope is an emotion which brings richness to our everyday lives. It is defined as “the feeling that … events will turn out for the best.” When we exercise hope, we 'look forward … with desire and reasonable confidence.' As such, hope brings a certain calming influence to our lives as we confidently look forward to future events.”

You know, usually, when things are just going wrong for me...like when I get online to research something and the internet doesn't work … or I search for ten minutes for my favorite cookie recipe and I can't find it … or I can't seem to find anything at all at the store, I usually try to take that as a sign that I should be doing something more worthwhile. Such as spending time with my children or husband or Lord. If I remember to do that and choose to just set my currently frustrating task aside (with hope that all things will work out for the best in the future), and go spend time in my relationships, then I am much more likely to have peace. But sometimes I choose to react to frustration with hopelessness and allow despair to replace my hope.

Of this, Elder Snow says, “We should never let hope be displaced by despair. The Apostle Paul wrote that we “should plow in hope” (1 Corinthians 9:10). The exercise of hope enriches our lives and helps us look forward to the future. Whether we are plowing fields to plant or plowing through life, it is imperative we ... have hope.”

The roller-coaster didn't end there. I returned to my routine and was steady for a while, until another hill crested and I began to be consumed by something else. That's for another post. For now, let's just say that I'm getting a lot of practice exercising my hope muscles. Slow and steady. Don't let the good habits slide. And what should I be doing that is more worthwhile?

Family First

2011-06-06T21:07:00.000-07:00

Today I went to the grocery store and used one of the carts that has a race car attached to the front of it. The children sat in the front pretending to drive around the store. It was my toddler's first time and he emphatically turned the wheel and called out, “Eeeeeeeee!” all the way to the checkout line. We received so many smiles from passersby – and dodgers – and I generally enjoyed the trip. As I walked – or was chauffeured – to my van, another lady was backing up and caught a glimpse of us out her window. She looked like she might be about sixty-something. She smiled and glanced at the children repeatedly, clearly enjoying the glee on their faces.

I thought, why is it that we all are drawn to the children in a crowd, at a party, at the store, or a get-together? Why do I get so many smiles? All of the smiles are not the same. Some smiles are tolerant. Some smiles – from the other moms with small children – feel my pain/joy. Some smiles – from the empty-nesters – are reminiscent smiles as they think of a past that went by all too quickly. Those are the smiles that help me to have an eternal perspective about the trials of life.

Those are the smiles that make me remember that one day I will be the sixty-year-old smiling at the cute kids and … and what? Will I be remembering all the great things we did together? Savoring the beautiful feelings that those experiences created in me? Or will I be wishing with all my heart that I had spent so much more time loving and teaching them and less time doing … whatever else I was doing. Will there be a little sorrow behind my smile or will it be filled with true joy? I can choose that. Right. Now.

Who Shall Separate Us From the Love of Christ?

2011-04-11T21:34:00.000-07:00

Setback. Today, I thought, 'If only my readers could see me now. What a hypocrite they would think me to be.' I thought I was doing so well, being so happy, getting over my old self, but today was like a time warp straight back to my pre-Charity era. Some things...attitudes...people...weren't working out like I would have hoped and as a result I was back to my old self. My old negative thinking, unmotivated self. I forgot my goals and ate too many cookies from someone else's cookie jar. I did workout, though, but I was angry and pushing for part of the time and sad and sluggish for the other part. I still plowed through the day and tried to do some of the same things that usually brought me joy, but it just wasn't there.

I kept wondering, why? Why have I lost that high feeling of transformation that I had this past couple of weeks? What is different? Thoughts came with possible explanations and I gained some understanding, but I still felt lost and unable to feel that sweet joy and peace in my heart like before. Even when I checked off a very big to do on my list. Even when I was praying and reading the scriptures...a little. Even when my toddler was laughing at his sister.

As I listened with my daughter to one of her electronic storybooks about Beauty and the Beast, I noticed how the Beast could not change back into his true form as a prince until he received love from someone else. Belle's fallen tear as she spoke the words, “I love you,” reminded me of how it is the Savior's Pure Love that is changing me. Why couldn't I feel that love today? (He even loves us when we're beastly)!

It was not until late in the evening that I made it into a very dirty kitchen to begin cleaning it up that I decided to listen to a talk from church. Our church has this great website where you can click on talks that were recently broadcast at our General Conference and listen to them over again. So I found one entitled, “More Than Conquerors Through Him That Loved Us,” referencing Paul's words in the book of Romans.

In his talk, Paul V. Johnson states, “A pattern in the scriptures and in life shows that many times the darkest, most dangerous tests immediately precede remarkable events and tremendous growth. “After much tribulation come the blessings.” The children of Israel were trapped against the Red Sea before it was parted...Time after time we see marvelous blessings on the heels of great trials.”

This particular trial I am experiencing today feels more difficult to bear than all the previous ones from this past year or so added together. Since such great light and joy came after those trials, I am hoping that this will also lead to even more joy in the near future.

But tonight as I write this, I am at peace once again and beginning to feel Christ's charity and love transform me a little more. Here are the scriptures that finally released me from Satan's grasp:

“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? ...Nay, in all these things, we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:35,37-39).

Today, it was me. I was allowing my tribulation to separate me from God. Another scripture reference from the talk was this: “Whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day” (Alma 36:3).

Today, it was me. I was not trusting God with my burden. I was picking up unnecessary emotional baggage. I had to choose to set it back down. The true burden of our trials is to be laid at His feet with total trust. If we can do that, then we will be “more than conquerors.”

In this chapter, Alma goes on to explain his own spiritual rebirth to his son, Helaman. He says, “and from that time even until now, I have labored without ceasing that I might bring souls unto repentance; that I might bring them to taste of the exceeding joy of which I did taste; that they might also be born of God, and be filled with the Holy Ghost. Yea, and now behold, O my son, the Lord doth give me exceedingly great joy in the fruit of my labors,” (Alma 36:24-25).

Today, it was me. I slacked off in my efforts to feel true love and charity in my heart. I did not “labor without ceasing.” As I read this, I thought that this transformation I'm experiencing does not mean that I will have things easy from now on. On the contrary, my trials will give me what I need to learn more. They will still be there. I will still have to fight them. I will still have to labor without ceasing. But “I do put my trust in Him, and He will still deliver me” (Alma 36:27).

Once I was out of Satan's grasp, I felt a lot better, and I was able to feel God's love and act with charity. Then things...attitudes...people got a lot better too.

Born Again

2011-04-06T17:39:00.000-07:00

I've been experiencing a total spiritual renewal over the past week or so, though it has been coming in stages for several months. I can testify that if we allow our trials to help us grow, we will be strengthened by them. When life is hard, I often ask myself, “Why?” in the sense of “What is God trying to teach me, here?” This past year of my life has been filled with trials and emotional turmoil. I wrote a post back in November entitled, “Chains Breaking, Shackles Falling,” and now I am truly feeling the next set of chains breaking away from me. By chains, I mean the ones Satan had wrapped around me so subtly that I did not even know they were there at first.

My last two posts have talked about having faith and praying for charity. Well, I've been doing this. I've been praying that the Lord would transform my heart with His love. With the help of new tools with which to perceive life (ie Sheri Dew's books and James J. Jones' CDs and book), I am more understanding of the emotional baggage I've chosen to pick up and can choose to set down, as well as codependency and healthy boundaries. That, along with my trials, was sort of like the foundation for this change in me. What is bringing it to fruition is sincere daily prayer, morning and night (and lots of times mid-day), pleading with the Lord to change me, as well as daily scripture study and messages I hear at church. Doing all of these things has brought the Holy Ghost into my presence. Now that I know the peace He can give, I realize how much my heart has been at war all this time...without me even realizing it sometimes.

What's amazing is that things around me are not changing. My circumstances have not changed much. My responsibilities have not lessened. My long to-do list hasn't gotten much shorter. People are still the same, mostly. But because I chose to Believe that Christ truly can heal my heart and bring me peace, it is here. This is hard to explain, because I have believed in Christ all my life. I've even had several other times of great spiritual renewal. I've known times of peace. But the habits I wanted to change always came back. The negative attitudes, the perfectionism, eating poorly, not sleeping or exercising enough, judging others, etc, etc. Though I would make efforts at changing and would for a while, somehow, they have always returned, and my heart stayed at war, and I could not fully overcome my “natural man” tendencies as Paul speaks of in the New Testament.

I am not saying that I have fully overcome them now. But I am further down that path than I ever have been before. I am going through each day with peace. Things happen and conversations take place that threaten to take it away again, and the temptation is still there at times to fall into depressed ways of thinking and doing, or rushed, annoyed ones. But in those moments, I am stopping more often than not to “check” whether or not I feel His peace through the Spirit. And if I don't, then I “back up” a bit and usually pray or sing a hymn and then my feelings smooth over and peace returns. It is miraculous to me.

I have prayed for years to overcome some of these things and suddenly I am finding that they simply aren't there anymore! I would get stressed and want to eat something, usually sweet. Too many of my daily cares centered around pleasing other people in an unhealthy, perfectionist way. I was constantly in a hurry to “get to the next thing” on my list and as a result would often overlook the needs of others. Now, suddenly, because of many answered prayers for the pure love of Christ to transform and purify me, I am free! I am free to be who I truly am and want to be.

I am finding that I can speak calmly to my children when they are doing the same things that I used to raise my voice to. I am patient with things and people like never before. Even with very emotional issues that would have had me anxious for days and worrisome for weeks, I am able to find peace in doing what I can do and then giving the rest of the burden to the Lord, patiently waiting for His timing. I am not in a hurry all the time anymore, and if I have to be, it's not the end of my peace! I am living more “in the now” than ever, seizing the moments that can bring joy – tickling my kids and bouncing on the yoga ball with them and laughing when they sneak up on Daddy, chasing my toddler through the house when he gets that look in his eye and laughing like crazy with him when I catch him.

I know much of this is vague and probably not very easy to understand, but I am just so thankful for these changes the Lord has wrought in me. I finally really understand what a “mighty change of heart” is. And the amazing thing is that I thought I already understood it. I thought I knew what it was before now. But now that I am here, I see that I didn't. I hope that in the coming weeks, I will be able to better articulate what I have learned so that I can help others learn it, too.

One of my greatest sorrows now is seeing others in pain who do not understand how to partake of the Savior's healing power. The other is not knowing how to share it with them.

For now, I can at least recommend Sheri Dew's book, “If Life Were Easy, It Wouldn't Be Hard,” along with prayer and scripture study. The Recommended Reading List on my blog is also worth a look, and of course, the scriptures! They have gems of knowledge in them well worth searching for.

I suppose my main message to my readers today is one of Hope. Christ can change you! You can feel peace and joy every day of your lives! You can live! It is actually possible, even in the midst of great trial, if you turn to Him. He said, “Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me: for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light,” (Matthew 11:28-30). Stop trying to carry your burdens by yourself! Seek the healing power of Christ's Atonement now. Can you really afford to wait any longer before making the time to do this?

I wish I had sought Him more diligently long ago. But then again, I have been seeking Him for more than fifteen years, and He has taught me line upon line, a little here and little there, more so when I sought him sincerely, and not so much when I allowed myself to be distracted from Him. I believe He will continue to teach me for the rest of my life. I'm not perfect by any means. That's the whole point! I couldn't do it by myself, but the Lord is changing the things I've tried to change for years. I had to be tried; I had to be chastened and corrected, humbled and taught. I had to let Him change me. Let Him change you, too!

The Greatest of These

2011-03-31T09:03:00.000-07:00

I've been listening to Sheri Dew's book, “If Life Were Easy, It Wouldn't Be Hard.” She includes many profound perspectives, including how to set down the emotional baggage we carry, and some ideas about how charity is greater than faith or hope. Charity is the pure love of Christ. I could quote the entire thirteenth chapter of 1 Corinthians here. I encourage you to read it soon. Verse 13 says, “And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.”

Sheri Dew shed a new light on charity, or love. She said, “Charity is a healing, transforming balm bestowed by the Father, applied by the Holy Ghost, to true followers of his Son, that will change our very nature as it purifies us.”

As we pray for this charity, we can change! The Lord will transform us, for we cannot transform ourselves. I'm sure everyone knows what it is like to know that something is wrong in our souls, but to not feel capable of fixing it. Or to have pain from abuse or tragedy and not be able to eradicate its effects. Or to know that we have a destructive habit or behavior, but feel as though no matter what we do, we have not been able to conquer it. Of course we can't conquer it! We need the Lord to transform us first and then when we have His pure love in our hearts, we will be able to conquer bad habits, to heal and to let go of pain. He stands at the door and knocks, waiting for us to open our hearts and truly let Him in. He will not force us.

I have prayed that he would purify me, knowing that I could not overcome my weaknesses by myself. I have prayed to be filled with the love of God. That I would be able to have true charity toward all and the ability to truly love others and not judge them no matter how badly they hurt me or the others around them. (Verse 4: Charity suffereth long, and is kind.) But I never quite thought of charity this way. Now I am praying for the Lord to apply the transforming power of His Atonement to my heart so I may change the things I know I must if I am to find everlasting joy in this life and teach my children how to find it as well. I am so thankful for the gospel of Jesus Christ and that the Lord is always willing to teach me when I seek Him!

The Substance of Things Hoped For

2011-03-08T13:18:00.000-08:00

I am a list-maker. I like to plan ahead to be sure that I am well-prepared for whatever comes my way...or at least what I know is coming. Unfortunately, I can get a little OCD about it. I can get a little perfectionist about it and start planning my life so that it is filled to the maximum and over-flowing with things “To Do.” This results in my feeling way too overwhelmed with life and because I feel so overwhelmed, I usually become paralyzed and make little or no progress at all. Meanwhile, my relationships weaken, both with immediate and extended family, and with friends. I miss opportunities to be an instrument in the Lord's hands to uplift and strengthen others.

Lately, I've been trying to overcome this obsession with lists. This year, I've been trying to pray to become more in tune with the Holy Ghost. This way, I know that if I am praying, studying, and listening for the Lord, he will prompt me to know what the most important things are. He will help me to have patience to wait on the things I cannot now achieve, and He will tell me what things I may not need to do at all.

One of the characters in my novel desires to have the power to foresee the future, thinking that if she can have this gift, it would be a close guarantee of success during her mortal journey. I was listening to a book on CD by Sheri Dew, entitled, “If Life Were Easy, It Wouldn't Be Hard.” The last chapter is “You Might Be Making Life Harder Than It Needs To Be.” As I listened to her talk about how we can call on the powers of heaven to help us daily in any matter that we feel we need the Lord's help in, I realized that I have not always had enough faith to ask for his help. We are told in the scriptures, “Ask, and ye shall receive.” Do we really believe that?

With all my list-making and planning tasks into my life, I was trying desperately on my own to see my future. I wanted to plan it and have it in my mind before it happened. (I don't do well with sudden change). However, as I have tried to invite the Spirit into my life more often, I have witnessed that He can guide me and give me peace on a daily basis. Some planning needs to happen, but I am not obsessively worried about my long To Do list anymore.

All this time, what I sought after on my own was mine to choose. I wanted assurance that the future would bring success and accomplishment, happiness and progress. Now I know that I must have FAITH, for “Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” (Hebrews 11:1) When I live with faith each day that the Lord will help me, I can have peace. I can live in a more relaxed state of mind and heart, taking the time to pray, to ponder the scriptures, to spend time meeting my family's needs and loving them, to exercise, to focus some of my energy on eating healthier. I can be reassured.

As I am beginning to exercise my faith in this way, I am also realizing, with the help of Sheri Dew, that I must pray to be transformed into someone who possesses true charity, the pure love of Christ. As I am filled with the Lord's love for all, I will be strengthened to overcome my weaknesses, not through my own power or planning, but through the Lord's tender, merciful answers to my prayers. Prayers that include my To Do List, for sure, but are more focused on changing my heart. Now that I have more faith, I have more hope for the future, too. Not only hope, but a blessed assurance “of things hoped for.” And, with that hope in my heart, I can stop being so frenzied about my To Do List and start seeing the people around me as people who need that pure love of Christ. Hopefully, the Lord will see fit to show it to them through me sometimes.

I'm so thankful for the scriptures and the words of other followers of Christ. I'm so thankful for the Holy Ghost, through whom the Lord helps me each day. I'm thankful for the power of prayer and the knowledge that my Savior can transform me like I never could.

Expressions of Love

2011-02-10T19:43:00.000-08:00

Recently I was chatting with a friend as she was picking up children, so I stood at her open van door while the children played and talked inside. Our conversation was interrupted when the youngest girl, age 5, wanted her older brother to take his hand off of the car seat in front of her so she could do something. He would not remove his hand. My friend assessed the situation and said, “Son, are you choosing love?” Clearly, they had spoken of this before in their family. He removed his hand and his sister said “Thank You.”

I was impressed by this simple call to pay attention to whether or not one's actions were expressing love. Expressions of love are on my mind lately, not only because Valentine's Day, but because I have been on the receiving end of many.

Today, in particular, several things collided to form a bit of an emotional roller coaster, but all had to do with love. First, I received flowers delivered to me with a sweet message from my husband and how he was thankful to God for bringing us together 14 years ago. I was elated! Even brought to tears. Second, I found myself apologizing for a missed opportunity to express love to a friend. Third, I received news of my husband's grandmother's passing. She was 90, and I realized that she truly was my grandmother, too. Many times over the past few years, I was at her house on an errand of love. A week ago, she held my hand to her lips and kissed it, and through tears, she said, “I love you.”

My life has been a whirlwind of chaos for a few months. Mostly because of illness. Actually, it was mostly because I was not focused on feeling the love of the Lord and following His ways. It would be more accurate to say that my mind has been a whirlwind of chaos and worry.

But then this week, after a humbling experience of how my own self-absorption negatively impacted another person, I resolved to wake up from my spiritual slumber and seek the Spirit diligently. As I have done so, I have received the most wonderful expression of love from my Heavenly Father – peace. I feel His Spirit again. I lost my worries.

In this life, we will get sick. We will have so much responsibility that it overwhelms us. People we love will pass on. We will miss some opportunities. We will hurt others unintentionally. We will be selfish at times. We can worry our way through it and become so absorbed by our problems that we lose some capacity to love. Or, we can try to remember to ask ourselves: How can I show love today?

When You Remember Me, I Will Strengthen You

2011-01-06T18:42:00.000-08:00

Our goal as a family this New Year is to focus on trying to feel the Spirit of the Lord more often in our home. As parents, we are also trying hard to make some changes in the way we discipline. We are trying to be more consistent, have more logical consequences, not allow misbehavior, and do all of that while speaking respectfully to our children. I can't believe how amazingly difficult it is to speak respectfully to our children. We are trying to be firm, but loving at the same time, and not allow anger to show through. Unfortunately, we are all too often angry as we discipline and our poor daughter picks up more on a feeling of disapproval of her than of the behavior.

So, to help with this, we have made feeling the Spirit a higher priority. Of course, whenever we set this as a goal, Satan kicks it up a notch, too. So, we've been facing illness and a demanding, fussy baby for a while now, as well as other stresses. Not as huge as the trials many others face, and I am grateful our trials are “so small.” But, they are just enough to push us over the edge of anger and shortness with our children on a daily basis. So, in the midst of all this, I've found myself having to pray for strength to keep trying and not give up.

I am noticing a pattern in my life. Whenever I am having a problem that I am struggling with and trying to overcome, I always realize that in order to fix that problem, I need to have the Spirit of the Lord with me. To have the Spirit of the Lord with me, I have to do things that will invite Him to be with me, such as obey the commandments, pray, and study the scriptures and ponder them.

In our church, every Sunday during Sacrament Meeting, the congregation partakes of the bread and water. These are emblems of the body and blood of the Savior Jesus Christ. When the priest kneels to bless the bread and water, included in his sacred prayer is a promise. When I partake of the bread and water, I am promising God that I will “always remember Him.” All promise and partake “that they may have His Spirit to be with them.”

So I've been praying, “Help me, help me.” Tonight, I needed to do the dishes, but my back was aching like crazy (the baby is a twenty-something pound chunk!). But I had faith that if I could just make myself stand in front of the sink, I would be able to go through the motions and at least get the dishwasher loaded. As I was doing so, I felt like I should sing a hymn. So I began singing, “I Know That My Redeemer Lives,” which I have a laminated copy of in the kitchen so that I can learn the words. By the end of the first verse, it was as though I had completely forgotten about the pain in my back. When I realized this, a comforting feeling came over me that was unmistakably the Spirit of the Lord and a thought came to my mind: When you remember me, then I will strengthen you.

With gratitude for the lesson, I realized that this sacred promise I make each Sunday is the key to receiving all the help I need. It's as though my act of remembering Him is an act of faith and it opens the door for Him to bless and strengthen me, much more so than He will if I am forgetting Him throughout the days and weeks. How often do I focus on what I could be doing better, what the children are doing wrong, what I am doing wrong, what my husband is doing wrong and how miserably we are failing? If I would just change my focus and remember Who it is I am trying to emulate through all this, then perhaps I will be strengthened and changed so that I can do what is right. I'm grateful that inviting the Spirit is as simple as singing a sacred song.

No Such Thing as a Gift-Less Christmas

2010-12-10T19:45:00.000-08:00

I love Christmas Time! I love putting up the tree right after Thanksgiving. I love turning on the lights after dark and turning out all the other lights in the house. I love singing the Christmas hymns and songs with gusto. I love the stories of the Christ Child. I love getting out the Nativity set and playing with it with the kids. I love putting the ornaments on the tree (although this year, my daughter was too fast for me and I mostly just put hooks on them for her – it was still fun). I love baking sugar cookies and putting on the icing and sprinkles. I love driving around to look at the lights.

I love gift-giving. Every September, I begin thinking about and usually doing some of my Christmas shopping. Sometimes, I'm even thinking about next year's gifts before this year's Christmas is over. Something useful, I think. Something practical. Something that will have meaning to the receiver. I take note of things that my nieces and nephews particularly enjoy playing with when they are at my house...sometimes months in advance. I really enjoy giving everyone their gifts and seeing them smile. Those years when I get started on time and finish well in advance of the actual holiday season, I happily find that I have enough time to focus on teaching my child about the Savior during Christmas time. On helping her to give to others. I have time to read the scriptural accounts of the Savior's birth and reflect on them.

Then there are those other years... those years when I wait too late to start my shopping. When the ever-approaching date is getting closer and closer and I am getting more and more stressed out about how in the world I am going to manage a decent gift for everyone in time! Those years, I have not found much time for my Savior, or myself, or my family. I rush around frantically trying to plan, find, assemble, and wrap something that will likely have little value to the receiver. It is not very fulfilling. I usually end up sick and grouchy under the happy-face surface on Christmas Day.

Thankfully, this is one of the good years.

But I hear from others that it is not quite so great for them this year. So many are bustling around, frantically trying to adhere to the cultural pressures that so-and-so must have this type of gift, that cost this much money, that is wrapped this certain way, and given on this certain day, in such a way that does not offend anyone else receiving a gift on the same day, or make them feel left out or judged in any way, but only loved and special. Some aren't bustling around because they don't have the money to. Instead, they stress and feel guilty over how much they can't afford to buy. They worry that their family might suffer from a gift-less Christmas and feel ever so unloved.

I wonder how different our cultural celebration of Christmas would look if we took out the tradition of gift-giving, period? Just erased it.

Would we remember that the reason we started putting up trees and decorating them was in honor of Jesus Christ and the eternal life we can have if we believe in Him? Not to have something to put the presents under. Would we remember that the reason for all the lights was to remind us of the Light of the World, the Light of Life who shines through all the darkness? Not to make our yard look brighter than the neighbor's. Would we remember that St. Nicholas became a legend because of his Christ-like character? Would we get together with our families to simply enjoy a meal and one another's company? To fellowship one another, show our love and concern to one another? To play games and have fun together?

Whether we stopped our own gift-giving or not, there could never be such a thing as a gift-less Christmas. The very reason we have it is because Heavenly Father gave us the greatest gift of all: His only Begotten Son. Jesus Christ laid down his life for us, suffered so that we might be washed clean of our sins. A newborn king that was laid in a manger will always be Heavenly Father's offering to us. His gift will always be there. We need only open our hearts to receive it. My prayer for all is that we can focus on the Best Gift of Christmas without worrying too much about all the rest. Merry Christmas.

Of Things That Matter Most

2010-11-21T20:09:00.000-08:00

I've been hearing a lot about self-mastery, faith, and choices lately. I've been going back to the General Conference Archive and listening to some great talks again. President Uchtdorf's talk entitled “Of Things That Matter Most” in particular stood out to me and brought relief.

Last year was a huge leap for me with regards to my novel. I accomplished more in six months than I had in years. I got the first book in the series almost completed. Then I took a break, had some great holidays, had a baby, and well... I think I finished up a few partial chapters back in April and wrote one new one in September. Other than that, I really haven't written all year, other than in my journal and for this blog and a few letters. I kept thinking when my daughter started Kindergarten, I would get back to it consistently. So it's been on my mind for about three months now and I just haven't gotten to it. I've been mostly at peace about it, but a feeling of discord has been rising in me and I've been getting worried that I will never find the time to return to it again.

But a woman at church today said that you have to give your problems to the Lord and then stop worrying. You can still ponder and pray about them, but you can stop worrying and live with faith that the matter is in the Lord's hands. I thought, “Yes, I need to live with faith that if the Lord wants me to write this book, he will prepare a way for me to do it.”

President Uchtdorf said, “When stress levels rise, when distress appears, when tragedy strikes, too often we attempt to keep up the same frantic pace or even accelerate, thinking somehow that the more rushed our pace, the better off we will be...It is said that any virtue when taken to an extreme can become a vice. Overscheduling our days would certainly qualify for this. There comes a point where milestones can become millstones and ambitions, albatrosses around our necks.”

What a blessing it was for me to hear this. I am so incredibly talented at overscheduling my life, it is frightening sometimes. It's always a relief to be reminded that I am allowed to be human.

The parenting CD's I've been listening to gave me another eye-opener when I learned about the things that “drive” children (and thus adults). One of them “Be perfect.” Another is “Be Strong.” Don't let life get you down. No matter what happens, we're supposed to bounce back, take it in stride, never miss a beat, keep on keepin' on, and just keep smiling. Sometimes we get sent this message that we shouldn't feel what we feel. That we need to just get over it and stop crying.

What I'm realizing is that if we want to have self-mastery and be able to make those right choices, to focus on the Things that Matter Most, then we have to know the self we are trying to master. We have to admit the truth. And the truth is weakness. But that's okay! We're human. No matter how hard I try, I'm not superhuman. I can't always get everything done. I can't always smile. I can't always succeed. It's okay to ask for some time alone.

Being perfect has been a big “driver” for me. Learning that it's okay to fail has been hard, but liberating. I'm learning to expect what is realistic. To forgive myself for not accomplishing, or rather to release the feeling that I need to forgive myself. I'm learning that even if I fail at being the perfect example for my children, I can apologize and move forward and try to do better and it won't actually ruin my kid in the process. Kids don't need to see us being perfect all the time. They need to see how we deal with being imperfect. Dealing with that requires reliance on the Savior. Admitting failure. Being weak. They need to see that it's okay to fail, to feel, to cry, to pray, to move on, to try again. When we let go of this facade of always trying to be perfect and strong for ourselves, our family, our friends, we can slow down and focus on the joy of what matters most: them.

Weeding

2010-11-09T19:44:00.000-08:00

Today I worked in the beautiful weather weeding my flowerbed. I did several other jobs outside, including cleaning up the shingles that were strewn all over the driveway around the pallet and the wooden pallets/plywood that have been leaning against the house for several years now. Now we can walk in between the house and the shingle load. Amazing. Now why did I not ever do that before? Why did I let my flower garden get overgrown with weeds and messy looking? Why have I allowed my house to get so cluttered? To be so out of order? I am truly seeing now the real connection there can be between the state of one's surroundings and possessions and the state of that person's mind and emotions, and their self-image.

Every weed I pull, every space I declutter, I feel a little more healed.

The most amazing thing about weeding in the flower garden today was that I didn't worry about anything else while I was doing it. I just did the work. I didn't rush through it or begrudge that it had to be done. I didn't even hate myself for allowing it to get so overgrown. I just worked and talked with my daughter. I just enjoyed being outdoors. I didn't feel guilty for not spending the time serving someone else or doing something else. It was the most enjoyable weeding I've ever done in my life. (and I hate weeding!)

Suddenly, I'm not in a hurry all the time about my to do list. It's just there, waiting for me, whenever I can get to it. Of course, there are still things that have deadlines and things that need to be done in a timely manner. But I'm allowing myself to work them into my life, not work my life around the things on my list. It was such a beautiful day and I just wanted to be outside, so I went outside! Too many days of my life, I've come up with excuses for why I cannot waste time outdoors when there is so much to be done in the house. What a shame.

I was feeling so great about my day and then my husband came home. He had a busy, stressful day. I've still been enjoying the bliss of having our family work together to clean up after dinner. But tonight, while Daddy stepped out of the kitchen for a few moments, I encouraged my daughter to help me quickly do his jobs for him so he could relax. It was our big secret that we surprised him with when he came back in.

I am ashamed to admit that this was one of too few times in my life when I felt true charity, as the pure love of Christ. I knew that my husband was going to come back in ready to help clean up, and I knew that he'd had a hard day. It was fun and I was filled with love as I did his jobs for him. I wasn't resentful, like I used to be – ya know, when I never would ask him to help me with anything (well, almost never). It's like now that I am learning how to respect myself and love myself, I am feeling more loved by others, too.

I definitely have a lot more to be thankful for this year at Thanksgiving!

Chains Breaking, Shackles Falling

2010-11-06T19:13:00.000-07:00

Since my eyes have been opened to my workaholic and codependent tendencies, as well as my perfectionism and tendency to feel responsible for the whole world, I have started to change. I almost can't believe it. I almost want to knock on wood right now. It seems too good to be true. But then I remember. It is true. The Lord is teaching me and helping me in ways no one else could. It truly feels like the chains that Satan was binding me with are breaking and his shackles are falling away. I can't believe how much energy I was losing because of worry and stress.

So I've been letting everyone else own their problems. And I've actually had some time to focus on owning my problems... And time to enjoy being with my children. And time to think about what to teach them. And time to exercise. And time to do a few of the things on my to do list that have been sitting there for months and months.

One other thing has happened to coincide with these changes. My husband and I have taken on the responsibility of teaching our children more about order and sharing the family's work and taking care of our own personal items. If I get it out, I put it back. If I didn't get it out...I don't put it back. (So not only am I letting others own their problems, I am letting them own their jobs/work/responsibilities). This has come partially because of the James Jones CDs and partially because of the wonderful Montessori School our daughter is attending.

Daddy decided that the kitchen is closed at 7 pm and then everyone helps clean up. No more eating (ie making messes) after that. So for a week now, every night after dinner, Mommy does dishes, Daddy puts food away, sweeps and wipes counters, and our daughter cleans off the table and helps. This very simple family activity has changed my life! What a blessing it is to wake up to a clean kitchen and have time to spend on other things! What a blessing it is after the kids are in bed not to have to go back to clean a dirty kitchen! What a blessing it is to hang out and be goofy together, singing while we work side by side.

Daddy also decided that we read scriptures, have family prayer, and do the bedtime routine and then it is over at 8:30 and we leave the bedroom. Period. We've been doing that since school started. This has also been a huge blessing.

I told my husband on about the third night of cleaning up together, “All this time, we just needed you to bring order to our home. Thank you.” Hmm. Maybe Daddy should make some more decisions.

It's amazing sometimes what simple solutions there are to problems that have plagued me for years. Sometimes it just takes someone else to point them out to me. What is equally amazing, but scary, is how stealthy Satan can be at gradually binding us down with the chains of worry, guilt, resentment, hate, judgment, disdain, and even a “woe-is-me” attitude about life. He shackles us down so gradually that we believe the weight of his chains is part of who we are and we don't even see them clearly. When the Lord opens the eyes of our understanding, and we do see them, we are surprised at what we find. I was. All along, I held the key that would unlock them. I only needed to discover and understand how to turn it.

Strive Not for the Mastery, Forgive Yourself

2010-10-23T20:48:00.000-07:00

I had a very humbling experience this week. I said something I should not have. I have done that lots of times. I've thought things about people that I shouldn't have. I've judged others and never said so out loud, but made them feel judged with my little comments and little actions here and there. I've always known I wasn't perfect. I have always said that out loud and believed it myself. But today, a part of the facade that is my self broke down a little further. A little more of my pride gave way to a little more humility.

I have this subconscious but desperate need to control as much as I can. Whether it's my scheduled life, my work, my children, my friends, my family, or the circumstances I find myself in, I like to feel like I'm in control. As long as I'm busying myself controlling other people and things (which takes a lot of energy since I can't actually do it), I don't have enough energy left for adequately meeting my own needs. So I have plenty of excuses when I am less than in control of myself.

Of course, I have only recently discovered this. It's quite enlightening to see yourself through a psychologist's eyes.

Today, I saw a nasty truth about myself: I am actually a pretty disrespectful person. All my efforts to become more Christlike and I still will do and say things that are just flat out disrespectful, inconsiderate, and selfish. I'm not sure why, but it does not come naturally to me to just enter into an interaction with a person and be completely considerate of their feelings the whole time. Like the Anatomy of Peace book says, I see too many people too often as objects rather than as real people with real needs and real feelings, just like me. Oh, I'm very good at acting the part, and even doing so out of a genuine desire to help you and do the Christlike charitable thing, but I'm not sure that all of my respectful actions don't have to be just a little bit forced. Maybe it's easier to understand if I say it this way: I do respectful things because I know I'm supposed to, not necessarily always because I deeply respect the people I'm talking to. Now if that's not opening up a vein on my blog, then I don't know what is! Yikes! I only bear my ugly soul to you when I think there might be someone out there whom it can actually help. Anyone? Anyone out there? Moving on...

I have this sort of tunnel vision when I am on a task, that I do not have time to stop long enough for niceties, I just need to get something done and I will blow by you in the process if I have to. I wonder why my daughter does certain things and I realize it's because I model it for her. Sigh.

Something sort of amazing happened today, though. When I admitted this to myself and the Lord, I was asking his forgiveness, and all these things I've been learning lately from James Jones started coming to me. About how I am a perfectionist because I have been trying to prove to myself and the world that I am okay. That I am not broken. He says that people try to focus on fixing everyone else because it is too painful for them to try to work on fixing themselves, because that would mean working through the pain of the past, or the pain of admitting failure. He says I have to forgive myself and realize that I am an okay person, even though I make mistakes. I have to somehow be okay with myself, even happy with myself, after years and years of meticulous self-criticism.

So all this was coming to me and for the first time since I heard his advice, I had a real life opportunity to apply it to my current situation. I was disrespectful of someone when I should have been compassionate. I felt guilty, but I decided I did not want to dwell on this all day. We had planned a special afternoon as a family at a farm with a pumpkin patch and I was determined not to let anything ruin the experience. So I spent an hour or so this morning in prayer, study and reflection to make sure my heart was at peace before we left. It took that long, and even longer as I began to write out my feelings. As I repented in prayer, I asked the Lord to take this seed of disrespect – no, this well grown vibrant chokeweed – and cast it out of my soul. I wept. I remembered many times when I was disrespectful – to my mother, to my sister, to my niece, to my daughter, to my husband, to perfect strangers when I cut in front of them to reach something I needed, or to friends when I can't even wait until they finish speaking before I say my part. It's like I've been walking around in my own little egocentric world, like an emotional five year old, where everything else revolves around me and I am blind to the needs of others!

I asked Him to remove this tendency from me, to help me to turn this weakness into a strength. Then I turned to James 3.

“My brethren, be not many masters.” (The footnote says teachers.)

Ok, so I should not be trying to give advice to everyone else and tell them what they should do. I should not be trying to school everyone about how they ought to live or perform. Control them. Another footnote gives a more clear translation: “Strive not for the mastery.”

This brought a new thought to me, and though it may not be what James intended, it spoke volumes to my heart. It was as though the Lord was saying to me: Tiffany, stop trying to be perfect. You are not. That is why I am here for you to help you. Stop trying to do it all on your own and partake of the Atoning sacrifice of the Savior. He will help you turn this weakness to strength, but you cannot be perfect now. Just accept that and forgive yourself.”

So I did.

I wept, and then I really forgave myself.

You don't realize how huge this is. Normally, I would dwell on this the entire day and let it completely ruin my experiences for days to come. I would have been melodramatic, needy and selfish, so consumed by my own drama that I would not have noticed the needs of others or at least I would have begrudged having to meet them. What bondage I would have placed myself in!

But I forgave myself. Doing so was perhaps the most liberating thing I've done … ever.

I wasn't just forgiving myself for this one infraction. This was the beginning of forgiving myself for not measuring up my entire life. This was the beginning of letting go of my workaholic and codependent tendencies. I had more energy today than I've had in years!

I will continue to pray for the Lord to purify me. For, there are those who I truly desire to help, because I love them deeply. I want to help them, though my efforts may come across as controlling and judgmental. I'm trying to change that.

More help comes from the beloved James, the brother of Jesus, when he wrote: “Who is a wise man and endued with knowledge among you? Let him shew out of a good conversation his works with meekness of wisdom. … The wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy. And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace.” (James 3: 13, 17, 18).

May the Lord first make me pure, that I might be peaceable, full of mercy and good fruits, including the fruit of a deep respect for all people, “which are made after the similitude of God” (James 3:9).

Line of Defense

2010-10-20T09:05:00.000-07:00

This post comes to you after many tears have been shed. I have never had any professional counseling before. I never thought I needed that. Don't get me wrong, I've always thought I needed fixing, but I sought help from books instead. I have read parenting book after parenting book, spiritual book after spiritual book, self-help book after self-help book.

I am a writer and I have read more self-help books in the past five years than I have read fiction in the past ten. Is something wrong here?

Yes, something is deeply, shatteringly, unmistakably wrong inside me. But because I am learning about it, I know the Lord will help me to fix it. I was exercising today for the first time in months (finally feeling the gusto to take care of myself before taking care of everything else again...I was slipping back into my old ways, even after that “Love Thyself” post). As I was bobbing up and down on the elliptical, I heard a line in a song say, “your only line of defense.” I felt this surge of determination, that I was my only line of defense for myself, and I pushed the pedals harder.

Then I saw the picture of the Savior on the wall. An image came to my mind of me, here alone in my little world, working and pushing as hard as I could through this life, while all around me Satan's demons were trying to tempt me to choose to think and do the wrong thing. In between myself and them, there was a white-robed circle of angels, arms folded, standing guard. In their midst, right in front of me, strongest of them all, was Jesus Christ. He stood facing Satan with the utmost assurance on his face. He was wearing his red tunic and his strong arms were folded, too. He stared down at Satan as if to say, “I'm helping her; I'm here for her, and there is nothing you can do about it, so get thee hence.” Thankfully, I am not my only line of defense. I have an Elder Brother whose got my back.

You see, I've been listening to a set of seminars that accompanies yet another parenting book, called “Let's Fix the Kids,” by James Jones. I've been learning what codependency is and what proper boundaries are. I've been learning that somehow I seem to think that it is my job to save everybody else and to please them and to do for them what they should be able to do for themselves. I've been carrying around so much guilt for years and years – guilt for other people's choices! Guilt that if I had only done this or that, I could have helped them, I could have prevented this, I could have made them happier. Those of you who know me or are in my family – please don't think I'm writing this to single out any one person in my life. This applies to a whole slew of people in my life! It's quite frightening.

I cannot articulate all of the principles I'm learning right now, but I will try to do another post in the future once I have listened to all the CDs and really learned the material better to try to explain some of what he teaches. For now, I'm going to go try to live my own life and be me. And forgive myself.

Just when I thought the Lord had taught me so much...he goes and teaches me more than I've learned in years.

Hypocrisy Destroys Faith

2010-10-10T19:17:00.000-07:00

Last weekend, a General Conference of the members of my church was held. Speakers from around the world shared messages that were inspired of God. As I listened, I began to string together some themes that seemed to be running through almost every talk. Be in tune with the Holy Ghost to give you divine guidance and personal direction. Follow God's living prophet. Several speakers said that mankind is meant “to act and not be acted upon” and that “wickedness never was happiness.” Several mentioned Satan's cunning methods as he tries to gradually drag us down to hell, especially through the influence of various media. I felt the overarching themes throughout the conference, however, were faith and purity, as well as raising our children in righteousness. Perhaps those are simply the themes that stood out to me.

Mary N. Cook spoke of how our actions influence our children's faith. She talked about being a good example and quoted Brigham Young, who said, “We should never permit ourselves to do anything that we are not willing to see our children do. We should set them an example that we wish them to imitate.” This very simple principle hit home to me partly because I have been remaking my parenting style, almost completely overhauling it actually. I've been learning that personal purity is so important in parenting. What message are you sending when you tell a child to do something and then do the opposite yourself? It makes your command to them seem more restrictive, for one thing. But more than that, it destroys your credibility with them. Your words become hollow attempts to control their behavior, not loving admonitions to help them be happier and avoid heartache. You lose the confidence of your children.

Elder D. Todd Christofferson said, “The Savior’s sternest rebukes were to hypocrites. Hypocrisy is terribly destructive, not only to the hypocrite but also to those who observe or know of his or her conduct, especially children. It is faith destroying.” Hypocrisy in parents can destroy the faith of a child!

Outward hypocrisy is really a reflection of inward impurity. The messages that hypocrisy sends are complex. Outwardly, it may seem that I am arrogant, and because I am an adult, I think I can abide by a different set of standards because I am all grown up now and I can do what I want. I don't have my parents around restricting me anymore and I am free to do anything I please. My children, however, haven't earned that privilege by growing up yet. It sends the message that when they grow up, they can do whatever they want. But this could not be further from the truth! Consequences always follow choices, good or bad, for adults and children. If we don't teach our children that, then they grow up thinking they can skate around God's eternal consequences, or be rescued from them, and that is simply not true.

Perhaps a more hidden message of hypocrisy goes back to self-love. If we do not love and respect ourselves enough to follow the standards we've set for our children, the standards we say we believe in, then we portray a very low self-image and self-esteem to them. They see it! They feel it! They know our hearts are not at peace with ourselves. It leaves them confused, and too often feeling the same way about themselves.

Our challenge is to go forward with faith, repent of our own hypocrisy and renew our efforts to live the values that we preach to our children. But this faith is not something that resides quietly in our hearts as we go about our hectic lives giving barely a moment to our relationship with God. I was taught during General Conference that having faith is a choice. It is something that must be sought after and developed through prayer and scripture study. Faith can remove a mountain of doubt and despair. But it requires action! Even just establishing simple righteous patterns, as Elder Lawrence taught, of daily family prayer and scripture study, weekly Family Home Evening, daily family dinner and frequent one-on-one interviews, can make a world of difference in building faith in Jesus Christ. Ultimately, we must work to seek out and understand what the Lord would have us do – to help ourselves, to help others, and to teach our children. Then stop making excuses not to do what we feel He wants us to do.

If you'd like to read more of the inspired messages shared in General Conference, be sure to visit www.lds.org.

Paradigm Shift

2010-09-20T09:42:00.000-07:00

Both of my children cried themselves to sleep last night. My daughter is five and she still has trouble – or resistance, rather, to going to bed. Oh, I know, all of us sappy hearts (including myself) are hearing the country song play in our heads “let them be little...” But this past week, I've realized some pretty huge things about parenting and how wrong I've been.
Hello. My name is Tiffany Campbell. And I give in. I also rescue, reward arguing and criticize. Since this is confession time, I'll say here that my daughter had her pacifier until she was two and a half. Is that even legal?

So I was sitting in church as they were passing around the bread and I watched my daughter defy me again and again. I told her to sit down several times and she just didn't. She still tests my word. She has always tested and pushed and tried to bend the rules as far as possible just to see how far she could bend them before they would break. “She's such a strong spirit,” I told myself. And she is. She has to be.

All this is due to some family drama last week during which I was called out on my attempts to give my children whatever they want. I went begging for advice of some wise people and was given the book entitled, “Let's Fix the Kids” by James J. Jones. I've been listening to some of his seminars on CD. (I almost typed on tape – yes I'm old enough to remember something that the rising generation thinks is ancient!)

Anyway, his first three rules are Never Lie, Never Argue and Never Criticize. According to him, lying is when you tell the kid she has to finish her dinner to get dessert and after her resistance, you say, well, just take two bites of everything and then you can have dessert. It destroys your credibility with the child. Counting doesn't really work either. I've taught my daughter that she does not have to listen to me unless I count to five. All that teaches is that she can get away with it for four more seconds longer than she should.

When school started, we told her we would leave her room at 8:30 so she could get to sleep on school nights. She doesn't resist every night, but we have been consistent and she doesn't like it much. Oh, we still tickle and laugh and read books and snuggle, but we have to leave at 8:30.
This past week, I finally worked up the courage, thanks to Mr. Jones, to allow the baby to fuss in the middle of the night instead of picking him up every time he wakes up. Finally, after all this time and trouble and sleep-deprivation, I got up, gave him the pacifier, made sure he had a dry diaper and left the room. And what did he do? He cried, he struggled, he got mad and fussed. For fifteen minutes, not even very loudly. Then he went to sleep. The next night, he slept for seven hours straight! And then he did it again the next night. For those of you who don't know or may not remember what it's like to go for months without uninterrupted sleep, let me tell you how glorious and grateful I felt when I woke up after six straight hours of sleep. Just take a really deep breath, feel yourself relax and let go of tension – then magnify that feeling by about a thousand and add a really big smile.

He had a hard time last night because he was woken up from his carseat slumber when we got home, so it was a little harder for him to fall asleep, but he did it just fine. I finished packing lunches for tomorrow and sat on the stairs listening to my daughter fake-cry. I needed to listen. I needed to hear it to remind myself that this is what I have done to her. I have led her to believe that she should always be rescued by mommy before she has to deal with any of her problems. She came into this world not quite sure what to expect. She's taken her cues from me and Daddy. That's it for the most part. We're it.

It was a huge eye-opener learning that children actually have to struggle in order to learn how to cope with life. If we do everything for them or step in every time, we're actually crippling them. If we set a rule and don't enforce it, then we are distorting their view of things as they really are. We teach them to negotiate their way out of consequences (ie ARGUE). Then what do we do? We lament because of all this arguing going on. Don't even get me started on the criticizing and perfectionism...

I bring all these things I've been learning to my blog because of this: The way our children view and respond to us is the way they will view and respond to God.

I watched my daughter resist tonight and I thought of my relationship with Heavenly Father and His Son. How different is it, really? When He gives us His commandments and we have to change some fundamental habit or belief that is so ingrained in our souls in order to become more like Him. There are some commandments that I've been just like an ungrateful, arguing brat about. Each time I'm prompted to make a better choice, I've said, “No!” like a child and done it anyway. Whether I'm saying no to my conscience or the Spirit or God, whatever it is, I have this tendency to want to assert my will over His. To say, “I know how to do it all by myself. I don't need your help. I don't have to. Don't tell me what to do.” Not out loud, of course, but somewhere in me, it's there when I'm ignoring a commandment, or rationalizing my disobedience to it. “I don't have time to pray! Besides...”

Heavenly Father is an unchanging God. What are we teaching if we set a rule and then ten minutes later (or five days), change the rule? With no explanation and no reason other than to make following it easier! Whew! Thank goodness I'm learning about this now. Lots of paradigm shifts going on this past month or so for me. Anyone have any thoughts?

Perception is Reality

2010-09-11T20:21:00.000-07:00

This morning, my daughter was hard at work in the next room until she finally brought me the finished product of her efforts: a birthday card for her mommy. It was quite elaborate, with colorful felt squares, stickers, and even a ribbon tied around it to close up the card. I was touched. What a sweet daughter I have! Later in the day, I went into the living room and discovered the remains of her card making adventure. The contents of my sewing box were strewn all over the couch and I realized that her “ribbon” was actually sewing tape. Now, normally, when I walk up on a mess like this, I would have called for her to come clean it up and firmly reminded her that she should not leave messes laying around the house, probably with a little too much disapproval in my tone. But today, because I correctly perceived her intentions as she was making this mess, I lovingly cleaned it up for her, happy to be reminded of her kindness. Someone once told me that perception is reality – at least for the person living with it.

I've heard women talk about the first six months after having a new baby as sort of a foggy period from which they finally emerge. My son is 7 months old now and I think I am finally re-entering reality as I knew it about a year ago. Some of you may remember my optimistic post on turning 30 and how I had progressed a lot during my twenties and felt that turning thirty was starting a new chapter in my life – one that would be better. Well, the Lord had a few more things to teach me this year. It has been a difficult one. The intense emotion and physical drain brought on by having a new baby left me spent and in great need of the Lord's help.

Looking back, I remember a journal entry made just before Valentine's Day this year in which I stated that I wanted to be the kind of person who acts Christlike even when I am under a lot of pressure and stress. After I said that, life dealt out blow after blow of pressure and stress this year. I kept wondering, why is this such a hard year? I know I had the baby, but all this? This is over and above anything I had prepared myself for. Things have happened. Words have been exchanged. Hearts have hardened. Relationships have changed. My heart has sorrowed. It hasn't been all bad, of course, but this past month especially I have been caught in a dark cloud of guilt and frustration mixed with confusion about my role in life and my family.
Then this morning I started reading some old letters and journal entries I had written. And I realized...

I forgot who I am.

You could say I backpedaled, had some setbacks, got off track. However you sugarcoat it, the truth is that I was being deceived – by the greatest Deceiver of all. His name is Satan and he wants us all to be miserable. He tries to lead us, gently and carefully and ever so gradually down to hell.

But yet again the Lord has used my trials to teach me. He has “consecrated all my afflictions to work together for my good.” As I read those old letters, I started remembering things I had done that I wasn't giving myself credit for. I was harboring all this guilt for not trying harder when in fact, I did try my best. It's like when everything's blurry at the eye doctor's until the right lens clicks into place in front of your eye and suddenly you can see crystal clear. Something clicked into place today and I remembered who I was. Guilt was released. Peace came to me. I felt in tune with the Lord again. I am me again.

I looked at my negativity over the past month and asked myself: What was I doing? I honestly don't know. Except that I was listening to Satan. I am amazed at how subtly he twists ideas and words into prideful suggestions of how to react and think. He slowly and gradually lured me into certain perceptions that simply weren't true. About my family. About people. About myself. I was more angry, more overwhelmed, more resentful and worried, much less productive.
My perception was my reality. I experienced this firsthand this summer. I am pleasantly surprised to remember that things are not so bad after all. I am actually a really good person. I do have pretty good relationships. My family has succeeded at many of our goals. We can truly have the Spirit in our home. I can speak kindly to my daughter all day long.

Some of the biggest misconceptions come when I perceive other people's intentions incorrectly. And when I feel responsible for other people's choices.

Jacob 4:13 says, “The Spirit speaketh of things as they really are.” I was reading those old journals – why? Because while I was praying and studying scriptures in the morning, I felt the need to read them. During all this time that Satan has been luring me away from the truth – guess what I haven't been doing? Studying my scriptures. Guess what I started doing consistently this past month? Studying my scriptures! Praying! I have been asking all year long for the Lord's help. But I wasn't always humbling myself enough to receive it! The talk I gave at church last month was only a turning point (see two posts ago). When I started studying the scriptures and seeking for answers, two things happened. I began to perceive things correctly again. At the same time, Satan also redoubled his efforts.

My friend, Minerva, recently had an article published in a church magazine. In it, she said that God “waits for us to have the faith and strength to come unto Him.” When I read that wonderful insight, I thought, why does it take strength to come unto Him? Now I realize that it takes strength to pull away from Satan's influence. It takes strength, not weakness, to get down on your knees every single day to pray for help. It takes strength to tune out the shouting accusations from Satan and listen to the still, small voice of the Spirit instead. It takes strength to become the people that the Lord would have us be. To climb the mountain and hold our place, to not slide back down. To find the Savior and then keep him close to our hearts.

Protecting Our Children

2010-08-28T19:15:00.000-07:00

I wanted to have some fun with my daughter in our pool one last time before we close it this year. I grabbed the inner-tube around her waist and starting pulling her in a circle around me in the water. She shrieked with laughter and her eyes sparkled. As I whirled her around again and again, I kept a close eye on the edge of the pool beside us. If I got too close to it in my turning, I could have cracked her head on the hard concrete. Joy swelled in my heart as I felt how much I love her and want her to do well in life. As I laughed with her, a thought crystallized.

It comes naturally to me as her mother to want to protect her from physical harm. I would never dream of intentionally hurting her physically. As many of you, I would even risk my life to protect hers. As soon as she looks at the stove, I warn her that it's hot. Before she hops on the jumping ball in front of the stairs, I tell her of the danger.

But do I give the same careful attention to the need to protect my daughter spiritually? Morally? When my daughter sees me cooking, she wants to help. She wants to do what I do. Deeper than that, it just comes naturally to her to imitate what I do. Even if it is something she's been taught is wrong. Children are innocent. They are not accountable for their choices until age eight. In my faith, that is when they are baptized. I have to keep reminding myself of that when my daughter cops an attitude with me. When I stop to think about it, the first time she talked back to me was long before preschool, so I could not blame friend influence for that one. Nope, I had to admit it: She was speaking to me in an exact replica of the tone I used with her when she was doing something I did not approve of. Wow.

Having a family is part of Heavenly Father's plan for us on the earth. No wonder! Being responsible for a child, or just within a child's circle of influence, as a teacher, aunt, or babysitter, is a humbling experience. There is no more effective method for pointing out one's own hypocrisies than with a child who imitates your every action, or who calls you out on your inconsistencies.

Of course, some lessons they have to learn on their own. Sometimes children heed our warnings and avoid touching the hot stove for fear of getting burned. But usually, they have to gain some concept of what “burned” means before they will heed.

A parenting book I read said that consistency is the single most important element of parenting. Mixed messages from parents are some of the most detrimental spiritual and moral messages we can send. If we say one thing and do another, it is just as bad as saying “I'll protect you,” and then cracking their head into the edge of the swimming pool (which thankfully I did not do yesterday). When they are a crying mess afterward, (after the immoral choice they made, for example), what do we say? Oops. I didn't mean to. I'm sorry. It's not my fault. I tried to avoid this pain for you. I tried to tell you. I told you so.

But telling is not enough.

We have to show our children that we can live by the same morals and values we require of them. Or else they get some mixed message that it is impossible to live a morally clean, righteous life. It's impossible to treat others with respect during conflict, etc. Of course, we can't be perfect. And when we make a mistake, as parents, we have to own up to it in front of our children. What good does it do if our children watch their mom and dad have a fight, but never see them apologize and make up with each other? None. You just taught them how to fight. What good does it do for us to tell our children anything, really, if we are doing the opposite?

My intent is not to stir up extra loads of mother-guilt, here, for I know we all have more than enough of that to go around. Children have to be allowed to make their own choices as they grow. Today, we went to the park and I watched my daughter ride away from me on her bike (with training wheels). She was cautious, but she was faster than me and I could not always be right beside her. When I watched her come up on what could be a dangerous situation, I was nervous for her. I thought, “come on, you can do it. Don't fall. Steer yourself right.” I couldn't do it for her. I couldn't catch her. I couldn't shout instructions from twenty feet away. I had to rely on her self-direction.

I don't have time to go back and make sure my blog post makes flowing sense. I hope it does to you. I'll just end with these quotes, which say it better than I can.

President Harold B. Lee said the most important work you do will be within the walls of your own home.

Elder Russell M. Ballard said, “Love your mother.... Respect her. Listen to her. Trust her. She has your best interests at heart. She cares about your eternal safety and happiness. So be kind to her. Be patient with her imperfections, for she has them. We all do. Now may I share a few thoughts with you mothers about the special role you play in your daughters’ lives. We have a family friend who travels often with members of her extended family. Her primary observation after each trip is how much the young women behave like their mothers. If the mothers are thrifty, so are their daughters. If the mothers are modest, so are the girls... Mothers, your example is extremely important to your daughters—even if they don’t acknowledge it.

“Throughout the history of the world, women have always been teachers of moral values. That instruction begins in the cradle and continues throughout the lives of their children. Today our society is bombarded with messages about womanhood and motherhood that are dangerously and wickedly wrong. Following these messages can put your daughters on the path to sin and self-destruction. Your daughters may not understand that unless you tell them or, better, unless you show them how to make good choices. As mothers in Israel, you are your daughters’ first line of defense against the wiles of the world.”

As Thyself

2010-08-18T19:09:00.000-07:00

This post is by far my longest post but there is a reason. This is the text of a talk I gave at church this past Sunday. A couple of people asked for a copy and I thought I would share it with my readers here. I hope it is food for thought for you and helps you on your journey!

Today my topic is Perseverance. I was given the talk by President Uchtdorf entitled “Your Happily Ever After,” from this past General Conference (published in the May Ensign Magazine). In it, he talks about our favorite fairy tale heroes and heroines and says, “Sandwiched between their “once upon a time” and “Happily ever after,” they all had to experience great adversity.” He told the Young Women that they are beloved daughters of God. This is true, not something made up in a fairy tale. Over and over throughout the article, he keeps reemphasizing how beloved we are of Heavenly Father and how much he wants to bless us with our own happily ever after. It's almost as though he is trying to convince us of it.
How many of us truly think of ourselves as quote, “royal spirit daughters [and sons] of Almighty God?”

When I first got my topic of perseverance, I thought the Lord had a really great sense of humor. But in reality, he was gently chastising me and teaching me some incredible principles I needed desperately to learn. This year, I've been pushing myself to keep up with my goals and failing miserably. I thought I was persevering through it. “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming,” as Dori says, right? But now my perspective has changed and I hope I can inspire you with some of the things I realized while studying perseverance.

President Uchtdorf said, “How you react to adversity and temptation is a critical factor in whether or not you arrive at your own 'happily ever after.'” Will you give up? Or will you persevere?

We hear this a lot at church, the counsel to persevere. For some, it actually increases the pressure they feel on their shoulders and makes them lean more toward giving up because they are overwhelmed with all they have to do. So what is at the root of that feeling of wanting to give up? Not knowing what to do next? You've tried everything, you're at the end of your rope. Maybe you've had bursts of perseverance, when you gave it all you had, but somehow you ended up feeling discouraged once again. Sometimes I'll have such a great day – I'll pray and study the scriptures and spend time with my family and accomplish something and I'll write about it, even, because it was so good. And I'll think Yeah, man, I finally figured things out. But then why don't I do it again the next day? Why is it that I can't seem to sustain a long-term, consistent, daily effort at happiness? Sure, life happens and you can't predict or plan everything, but you can pray and study every day. Right? You can try to have positive thoughts every day right? You can treat your family with respect and kindness every day right? Seems like I should be able to, but what stops me? What is it that causes me to give in to anger or give up on reading the scriptures and seeking revelation?

As I pondered this question, the scripture came to my mind, “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” I looked up the complete passage in Matthew 22:36-39 and found this counsel from the Savior: “love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.”

When we hear this scripture, we often are taught about who our neighbor is and how we should serve others and that is a very essential part of living the gospel. Life is put into perspective as we focus on and serve others. But a new aspect of this scripture came to light as I read it this time: those two little words at the end: As Thyself. I think President Uchtdorf sensed the need for this principle as he was trying to convince us of how much we are loved.

Love thy neighbor as thyself implies a balance: Love of self and love of others has to be in balance.

President Uchtdorf said, “Please embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ! Learn to love your Heavenly Father with all your heart, might and mind,” (1st commandment) “Fill your souls with virtue and love goodness. Always strive to bring out the best in yourself and others.” (yourself and others - 2nd commandment.)

How do we bring out the best in ourselves? In others?

We all try to find our own happily ever after, Pres. Uchtdorf says, “and the truth is, “God knows how to get there. He has created a map for you... Trust Him enough to follow His plan. [of course], not all will follow the map. They may look at it. They may think it is reasonable, perhaps even true. But they do not follow the divine directions. Many believe that any road will take them to a happily ever after. Some may even become angry when others who know the way try to help and tell them… At times, some may wonder why they attend Church meetings or why it is so important to read the scriptures regularly or pray to our Heavenly Father daily. Here is my answer: You do these things because they are part of God's path for you.”

God's commandments are given to us for our own happiness. And they are often the things that get shoved to the bottom of our priority list. Prayer, study, word of wisdom, temple attendance. Why is that?

I go back to my original question: How many of us truly think of ourselves as royal sons and daughters of God, as worthy and important? I've always known that praying and studying scriptures daily, and going to the temple were commandments that would bless me. I've always known that my body is a temple of God and I should take care of it according to the Lord's law of health. But I never realized that I should be doing those things, not only out of obedience to and love for the Lord, but out of love and respect for myself. Even those commandments that are given to bless me - like exercising, praying, eating well, studying the scriptures – I was doing them more out of a feeling of duty to God and my family … so I wasn't allowing those activities to foster the feelings of love for myself that I should feel. It was more of a check mark on a to do list than it was an act of love for myself.

So as we look at this scripture, “Love thy neighbor as thyself,” we see that we should love others, but not necessarily more than ourselves. Now I have to be careful here and I pray that no one will take this message in the wrong spirit. I don't want to imply anything that would lead you to believe you only need to look out for yourself in a prideful way and serve others only when it's convenient for you. That's not what I'm trying to say. Service does require sacrifice.
But too often in my life, I find myself so concerned with and overwhelmed by serving my family and others that I neglect obedience to those commandments that are given for my own personal well-being. When this principle is out of balance in my life, I allow doing things for others to completely crowd out things like scripture study and personal prayer. The parable of the Ten Virgins encourages us to build up and keep a store of spiritual oil. If we are neglecting ourselves, then we are not keeping our lamps filled.

When we are keeping ourselves so busy that we leave no time for our own physical and spiritual renewal, we are easily susceptible to resentment and anger, to feelings of injustice. When I love myself as much as I love my neighbor, I am set free from a lot of emotional bondage that I otherwise place myself in. I have the Holy ghost to guide me and ultimately, I am happier and better able to serve others with a cheerful heart and no negative feelings.

I'm always amazed when people seem to have a resentful feeling toward Heavenly Father for putting so many commandments on their already long to do list. Because He doesn't give us these commandments to take up all our time, to oppress us and restrict us, just to see if we will obey. We should not resent him for giving us all these time-consuming commandments. On the contrary, these are his most loving commandments. He says, please, study and pray so my Spirit can be with you always and help you along your way. Please, obey the word of wisdom and keep your body healthy so you won't have to suffer as much. Please, don't try to run faster than you are able, for this is not what I require of you. Recognize your own limits; know how fast you can run (or rather how slow you need to jog) before your oil starts running out in that lamp you're supposed to keep burning. He says, Please, love yourself, value yourself enough to get to the temple so that I can talk with you.

President Gordon B. Hinckley is often quoted as saying, “Lose yourself, and go to work.” But he didn't say, “Lose your health and go to work.” He didn't say “Lose your spiritual oil and go to work.” He didn't say, “Lose your mind or sacrifice all of your family's wholesome recreational activities, and go to work.” No! Part of the “work” IS stopping whatever you are doing to walk across the house so you can listen to your daughter snap her fingers for the very first time. Jesus said, “A little child shall lead them.” When I see the light in my daughter's eyes when she's excited about something she's learned, I want to follow her example. I want to have that light in my eyes! What's amazing about when you start to do these things because you love yourself, you actually become less selfish!

We are only effective instruments in the hands of our Heavenly Father inasmuch as we keep ourselves sharpened and well-tuned. He cannot pierce the heart of another with a blunt arrow. He cannot help others see truth with someone who does not study it and know it for themselves. He cannot play beautiful music with our lives if we are not keeping ourselves in tune. He cannot lead others with someone who is incapable of governing his own conduct. D&C 11:21 says, “Seek not to declare my word, but first seek to obtain my word, and then shall your tongue be loosed.”

President Uchtdorf said, “Though it may seem that you are alone, angels attend you. Though you may feel that no one can understand the depth of your despair, our Savior, Jesus Christ, understands. … If you ever feel your burden is too great to bear, lift your heart to your Heavenly Father, and He will uphold and bless you.” He said, “to those who walk in the ways of the Lord - our Father in Heaven has promised that you will “mount up with wings as eagles; you shall run, and not be weary; and you shall walk and not faint. You shall not be deceived.” God will bless and prosper you. “The gates of hell shall not prevail against you; and the Lord God will disperse the powers of darkness from before you, and cause the heavens to shake for your good, and his names glory.”

So as you go forward in your life, I challenge you to learn to love yourself as much as you love others.

So when you wake up late and rush through family prayer and getting out the door, don't give up. You can still pray and seek the Spirit. When your to do list is a mile long and you've only got twenty minutes, don't give up. Do what the Spirit prompts you to do that is most needful. When all you want to do is fall asleep, don't give up. When the dishes aren't done and your daughter is calling, “Come, watch what I can do!” Don't give up.

Persevere. But persevere in the right things. Do it because you love your Heavenly Father and your Savior, Jesus Christ and you want to be close to them. Do it for your family and neighbor. But also, don't forget to do it out of love for yourself because you are worth it. You are a royal son or daughter of God. You are worth the time and effort it takes to pray, study the scriptures, obtain the Spirit, keep your mind and body healthy and to attend the temple. And when we keep ourselves strong, we can be strong for others and be a useful instrument in our Heavenly Father's hands.

I bear you this my testimony that the Lord Jesus Christ lives and he loves you and he wants you to be happy!

Through Another's Eyes

2010-07-27T20:45:00.000-07:00

Several things came together in my mind tonight as I continued my reading of “The Anatomy of Peace” by the Arbinger Institute. I have been struggling with feeling connected to my almost-five-year-old daughter for some time now. My having a baby hasn't exactly fostered closeness between us. I thought this summer would allow us to reconnect since she would be home from school. But I became more concerned with my own to do list than with her and I've been anxious as time is flying by faster than it ever has before and there is very little time for me to dedicate to my personal goals. (Yes, sometimes I am really selfish!) Needless to say, I have not had much peace in my heart. So when a friend mentioned she was reading this book, I quickly requested it from the library.

I am only a little ways into it, but it talks about how there are two ways to do any behavior. You can do it with your heart at peace or at war. You can do things while seeing others as people with real hopes, needs, cares and fears or you can do things while seeing others as objects, obstacles, vehicles or irrelevancies. The book explains that many times we choose a course of action that ultimately will harm our own position, such as “stoking the fires of resentment in a spouse or anger in a child.” I read that and thought, 'Yes, I think my daughter has some anger towards me on some level.' Several interactions flashed through my mind. Obstacle: “I can't do that right now, I have to clean the kitchen.” “Let me do it.” Vehicle: “Do you know where brother's paci is?” “Go look at the microwave and tell me what time it is.” Irrelevancy: “What did you do that for?” “We don't have time for that.” “We can't do it that way.”

My daughter feels like an object to me. At least she does sometimes. My heart is not at peace toward her.

As this thought crystallized, I recalled some of my dad's advice that has stayed with me from a very young age. “One of the most important things you will ever learn in your entire life,” he said, “is how to see things through another person's eyes.”

This has come back to me frequently in the past couple of months. Now I see that God was trying to tell me something. I guess I have to read a whole book to figure it out sometimes. I thought about my daughter and the conflicts we regularly have. I get frustrated with her moving her 18 pound baby brother around because it makes him fussy and uncomfortable to be manhandled – or, rather, little-girl handled – like that. She doesn't really hurt him (usually), but I'm afraid she will. So I fuss at her for it. But really, she's just trying to sit him back up when he falls over. She's just trying to comfort him when he's a little fussy. And who should have taught her how to do it properly?

Me.

Another point the book makes is that if we spend the majority of our time helping things go right, we will be successful when we have to deal with things that are going wrong. Sigh. Me again. Did I have to turn 30 to start learning the lessons my parents tried to teach me? Will my daughter have to turn 30 before she starts learning what I'm trying to teach her? I really hope not!

Define Yourself

2010-07-11T19:57:00.000-07:00

Someone at church today asked us to think back to our childhood to a time when we dreamed of the future and what we would be when we grew up. Then she asked if all that had transpired in our lives matched up to those dreams. Did we plan on trials? Are we where we thought we'd be at our age? As I thought this over, joy swelled in my heart as I realized that I do already have or am working toward everything I dreamed of then, at least within my own little family. There are other dreams that have yet to be realized, but I have faith in the Lord that in His own good time, those will come into being as well.

The speaker went on to say that when we look back over our lives as a whole, there are moments that define who we really are. I thought back over the past six months and realized that my husband and I have probably faced more trials in this six month period than we have in the past few years. I looked over at my husband and thought of how much closer we had become through these trials. We are much more unified, much more concerned for one another, and though I never thought it possible, much more in love. Our trials have forced us into moments that define who we really are.

I have had cause this year to see many broken relationships all around me. I look at my amazing marriage and my beautiful children and my friendships. I see that I still have a relationship with my parents although I am all grown up now. I wonder why I am so blessed, so incredibly blessed to have all this around me. And when the tears in my eyes are wiped away and I can see clearly, one bold emblazoned truth shines before me. It takes the form of our Savior, Jesus Christ, and his awesome guiding force in my life.

The topic of the speaker's talk today was “Come Unto Christ.” The times in my life when I have tried my hardest to come unto the Savior are the times when my relationships have been strengthened and preserved. If I have turned away from him in any degree, then those relationships suffer.

Throughout my life, I have evaluated myself frequently for how I could improve this way or that way. Do more, be better, etc. This weekend as I had several moments to reflect on the people my husband and I have become, I felt a surge of confidence overwhelm me. Not so much a feeling of pride as it was a simple assurance that my Heavenly Father is pleased with me and I can be happy to be who I am. Not long after, another feeling followed on its heels: a feeling of humble gratitude for my life.

Had He not guided me to the family I was born into, to the man I love, to the Church I belong to, I would be lost. Lost and looking for peace, yet I would not know where to find it. I am incredibly grateful because he did bring me to parents who would do their best to shape me into a woman with a testimony of Christ and his teachings. He did bring me to a husband who is man enough to lead me and cherish me, to the Church that taught me how to hear my Heavenly Father's will through that still small voice that is His Holy Spirit and taught me how to grow closer to His Son, Jesus Christ. It is that relationship that strengthens all the others.

I know, (and I am forever grateful to Him for this knowledge), that I am a daughter of God. I know He has a plan for my life. I know He gave each of us talents and dreams that we might lift up those around us and strengthen our relationships. I know that each soul is of great worth in His sight. I know that He needs us to stand up for what is right, even when taking a stand is more frightening than all we have experienced and we risk losing that which is dear to us. He who is the Father of the human race has confidence in His children. Is there a dream He has planted in your heart that remains unrealized? Is there a talent that remains unused? Pray for help, and stand up and act in faith. Create a moment that will define who you really are. Then watch as the masterpiece of your life unfolds before you, beautiful and glorious as only the Master can paint it.

Notice the Joy

2010-06-16T18:36:00.000-07:00

Today has been a hectic day. We were supposed to be at camping tonight, but we stayed home because we were so far behind on packing and also the weather was calling for thunderstorms tonight. We decided to go up early tomorrow morning to save us some hassle of setting up in the rain with a baby. So we are still home. So we took even longer to pack. But I was able to take breaks from it and remember to play with my children instead of ignoring them all morning so I could rush around.
I was in the midst of some late afternoon packing when my daughter brought me a tiny flower from outside. She said she wanted to pick the lilies, but there weren't enough yet. “Wanna come see 'em, Mom?” Yes, as a matter of fact, I did want to come see them. I don't know why, but white lilies are my favorite flower. I went outside to see them and was drawn into joyful thoughts about my children. How they are only young once and I had better enjoy them. How this time next year, I won't have a baby any more.
It was hard to find the joy in today, running around trying to get everything ready. I was packing ear plugs when I noticed the light from behind our blinds seemed to glow prettily, so I peeked through them and saw an amazing blue sky in the distance with a setting set already sunken beneath the horizon I could see. It was so beautiful and fresh that I walked out onto the back deck to watch it. I was singing to my sleepy baby anyway. Most of the sky was a dark cloud, but when I saw that blue in the distance, I thought of how refreshing it feels to jump into the cool blue water of a swimming pool on a hot day. I watched for a while as the clouds changed and pink became an accent color in the sky. At one point, I turned to look in the opposite direction, expecting to see more ugly gray clouds, but I was surprised to find the beginning of the night sky just as beautiful with its shadowy blue clouds and a hint of stars to come.
There are moments like these that pepper my life. Moments when I catch the setting sun and feel thankful. It made me happy to know that all this work is going to result in being surrounded by the beautiful earth the Lord made for us. It made me happy to know that I didn't have to leave home to see such beauty.
What I've never noticed before is how the most beautiful part of the day is at the meeting of its opposite. Joy never feels so good as when it follows pain.
Sunday I experienced some of the most intense joy I've felt in months...the relief of a four month old sleeping for twelve hours and waking only once to eat. After a painful last week of teething and waking, I was so happy to see him finally get past it. I was gleeful that morning as I attended church with my family. I thought of how Heavenly Father must feel when he sees one of us progress and move beyond something we have struggled with for some time. He feels that exquisite, euphoric love-filled joy when he sees us do something that makes him proud.
When I have those sunset moments, it is almost without exception after something I have done that I know is pleasing to my Heavenly Father. It's almost like a message that he's giving me, saying that He's glad. Like he painted the sky just for me. So, thank you, Heavenly Father, for the beauty of this earth, and for being happy for me. Today, I think his message was just a reminder to enjoy what I have.

If Mommy's Happy...

2010-05-18T20:29:00.000-07:00

What a fiasco this afternoon was! But thanks to a good night's sleep, a morning of prayer and scripture study, plus writing, a workout on the elliptical, and some cartwheels with my daughter, (I didn't know I could still do them! It was fun!), I made it through a crying, screaming, smiling baby with a rash and runny nose, making sugar cookies (the roll and cut out kind) for my daughter's preschool class, making lasagna for dinner (one fuss-food-lactose-free pan for me and one regular version for my husband), holding a very ambitious Family Home Evening lesson during which we scrubbed the (nasty, disgusting) bath tub and shower and related it to the principle of repentance and change, how we feel dirty when we make wrong choices and clean and spotless when we repent and do what is right.

It was about to fall apart when the baby was screaming during the tub scrub and I made the executive decision to stop scrubbing and discuss the scripture that went with our lesson, (while I nursed a quieter baby), have our treats and get on with bed time. As we tried to finish the lesson, my daughter was her usual self, anxiously awaiting the treat while Mommy droned on about something she didn't understand. Daddy saved the night with a suggestion to vary my voice. So the rest of the discussion was given by all in various Sesame Street voices, to which my daughter listened intently and we all laughed a lot, but learned something. The house shows the path of the tornado that hit it this afternoon. But in my heart there is peace.

Our lesson was about changing our family from an old family who speaks unkindly at times and is too frequently disrespectful and untidy into a new family who tries to speak in more of a Christ-like manner and tone, being careful not to hurt one another, but to help and teach. We talked about how we should be like the people in the scriptures who “could not look upon sin save it were with abhorrence.” (I could not look upon our bathtub save it was with abhorrence). We talked about making wrong choices, repenting, and making right choices.

In the end, it was Mommy who stayed up late finishing the cookie decorating and scrubbing of the tub (and tile and grout...). My poor husband put in some elbow grease during the group effort, but collapsed again after it was over and thanked me for my efforts and work. (He's been sick for a few days now.) Anyway, as I worked, I sang hymns and hummed songs, including the new Primary song, “My Eternal Family,” which we sang during family night. It occurred to me that my doing a large portion of the work to make the tub “pure and spotless” was very appropriate in relation to the lesson I had given.

Change in the family is, of course, so very important for each member to participate in. But I am the Mother. If I want my family to change in the way they speak to one another, if I want them to be more kind, then I must, in a way, do more work to change myself and the way I speak and act. If the Mother changes her tone and speaks more Christlike, if the Mother is more kind and tenderhearted, understanding and long-suffering, if the Mother looks for moments to teach the children about the Savior, then the whole family cannot help but follow along. So goes the old saying, “If Mom's not happy, no one is.” On the flip side, “If Mom is happy, (or kind, considerate, loving, etc), there's a pretty good chance everyone else is, too.”

Setbacks

2010-05-07T07:14:00.000-07:00

I suppose I haven't posted in a while because my life has been such a roller coaster of events and emotions. I'd rather just sail along smooth waters, if you know what I mean. But if my life were nothing but smooth sailing, I would remain all that I am and never become who I am meant to be.

I like to improve and progress. I'm proud of myself when I have a victory over some old habit or negative thinking. Life is good on those days. What baffles me is when I have my goals set and I am steadily working toward them and then there is a setback. Obviously, I know setbacks happen and come many times from outside sources – a crying baby, a defiant daughter, unexpected responsibilities. However, the baffling ones are the ones that I cause myself. Nothing other than my very own weakness or lack of self-control causes these. And I wonder, now why did I do that when it was so very against my goals?

I'm not really even sure what the answer is. Emotions usually are the trigger. But perhaps the main culprit is simply distraction. I have goals and standards I want to live up to, but if they are not constantly in front of me, then sometimes I just flat out forget or ignore them. They get “back-burnered” in my mind. Or, perhaps I lose faith in myself that I can achieve them and part of me gives up under pressure.

I do know that when I get off track, the one thing that is guaranteed to help me get back on is prayer. Why is prayer the answer to so many of my blog posts? I guess I talk about prayer a lot. Hmm. Maybe it's because it works! Sincere prayer has such a centering effect. The Lord brings out the sorrow I feel for my mistakes and replaces it with forgiveness and hope. When even I lose confidence, I know that the Lord will always believe in me. Thank goodness!

Unwritten Stories

2010-04-14T17:34:00.000-07:00

Today was a challenging day for me. I am ashamed to say that I gave in and wallowed in self-pity for the afternoon. I learned this morning that if you want to show your new baby to your hairdresser, you take a picture, not the baby, to your appointment. I also learned that when said baby finally falls asleep in the car, you go home instead of trying to visit the great-gramma. After that I learned that when your daughter cries while watching Ratatouille because she's afraid the mouse will die, you turn the movie off instead of asking her if she wants to keep watching it anyway.

I actually thought I was going to recover emotionally from the salon fiasco when I pulled up to pick up my daughter from preschool. An image came to my mind of a woman I recently met who has a five-month-old daughter with a very rare syndrome and requires a feeding tube to eat, among other complications. I thought that she would much rather trade challenges with me. Then I thought of the young woman I know who just lost her husband and is pregnant with their second child. At least I have a husband who will come home tonight and comfort me about what happened.

But a few more challenges pushed me to the edge and I just gave up on the day. I snuggled on the couch with my children and watched part of the movie, which we later changed to Maisy. Then I made Rice Krispie Treats and continued to wallow.

Where did I go wrong? I had a choice to make. I almost made the right one. I almost started to see my plight in a proper perspective. I almost was able to laugh at it. But I didn't quite get there. I didn't pray enough or have enough faith or something. I slid backward just as I was about to pull myself up over the cliff. Then my husband took my daughter to gramma's house and my son fell asleep. I cleaned up a little and then started writing it out. I glanced at facebook and was reminded of a dear friend who has gone through some really serious trials. Trials that mine pale in comparison to. Her life reminded me again of the earlier thoughts I had about people who are experiencing such greater trials than me.

Sure, I am having a bit of a hard time. (In case you can't tell from my last few posts).

But I would be a fool not to fall on my knees in gratitude and thanksgiving every single day for the trials that have not come my way. There is a Hilary Weeks song which I will quote here.

“More than all the chapters of my life,
I'm thankful for what's not in black and white.
For the roads I never traveled,
For the pain I never knew,
For the places that you kept me from,
Father, I thank you.
For the days that were not wasted,
For the years not spent in vain,
I'm grateful for the stories that remain
Unwritten.”

The Lord had to point it out to me in several ways, but as the day ends, I am thankful for what I have. And what I don't.

Idling

2010-04-01T21:15:00.000-07:00

Today had the potential to be a very bad day. But it wasn't. Must have been divine intervention that I managed to keep my joy throughout a one hour wait at an appointment, picking up my daughter who was the last lonely preschooler waiting on her mom, rushing to feed a baby who wasn't hungry, waiting on a train, a bee in my car, and having to take the dishes back out of the broken dishwasher and do them by hand. Like I said, it was a miracle.

But I did it. Resist the devil and he will flee from you, the scripture says.

At the doctor's office, I waited and waited. I allowed the TV to occupy my mind because I kept thinking surely it would be any minute now. About 45 minutes into the wait, I was kicking myself for not bringing a book to read. Hello? You NEVER go to an appointment without a book to read! And if you don't have a book to read, you can at least think about the one you are writing!

It was about right there that I started facing temptation to get resentful and angry. I could be cold and curt with the assistant who was taking forever. Or, I could be patient and kind to the woman who was anxiously rushing to get to me. Her plight helped me to just let go of the wasted time. I was much happier choosing not to get angry about the ordeal. In years past, I have spent hours in waiting rooms feeling angry, resentful, impatient and tense. It was nice to just sit back and not get angry.

Later, when I found myself waiting again, this time at the train, I thought about how this one thing really helps define a persons character. What do you do with your mind when you are forced to idle? What do you fill it with? Do you use the time to think creatively? To say an extra prayer? Do you stare at the TV screen in the waiting room just because it is on? Do you look around for opportunities to serve or be kind? Do you get angry at having to wait? Do you spend the whole time feeding your anger? I've done all of those things at different times in my life. What do you do?

A Little More Sun

2010-03-30T18:17:00.001-07:00

I have six shamrocks sitting on my dining room table, clustered together. I bought them on clearance on Saint Patrick's Day. Every day, I walk by and admire them. Several days I have looked at them and noted how they didn't quite look as healthy as the day before. So I thought they must need more water. So I gave it to them. This happened several times. Today I noticed how much healthier the one on the end closest to the window looked. The leaves were all overlapping, so it was hard to assess the health of each plant until I pulled them apart. When I did, I discovered that most of them were drowning. They were still encased in their foil wrappers and water was almost spilling over one of them. I quickly dumped out the excess water and resolved to open the blinds and let the sun shine on them. I had misjudged their needs entirely. The one healthy shamrock on the very end grew much larger than the others and even sent up blooms. It was the only one who had enough sun.

I tell you this because it relates very well to my life the past couple of days and my previous post about the spontaneous versus the planning side of ourselves. I did a great job planning my week this week. I mapped out plans to exercise, spend time with my daughter, write, etc, etc. Monday did not go as planned. I was a wreck. How am I supposed to benefit from planning with a fussy baby and a demanding four year old? I couldn't even get through my routine on the elliptical. I yelled. I was less than Christlike. (Later I repented and as we told the Easter story to our daughter at Family Night, I had some raw material to demonstrate just how the Atonement works. After singing hymns together and dyeing Easter eggs, I felt much better about the day).

Anyway, then today was a perfect day. I wrote lots while the baby slept, had an unplanned picnic with Daddy because he forgot his lunch, engaged my daughter in the fun of the Magic Eraser and wall cleaning, got a few things on my to do list done, and still had time to laugh and play and sing with my family after dinner. I learned all the verses to a children's song that has eluded me for years, thanks to my daughter's excitement about it and help.

Yesterday, I thought I needed more planning and precision to fix my day. I kept watering and watering and planning and referring to the plan. Today, I realized that I was drowning. I didn't need more water. What I needed was a little more sun. Laughter, spontaneity, and good old-fashioned fun.

Getting There vs. Enjoying the Journey

2010-03-26T05:22:00.000-07:00

I recently read an article written by Richard and Linda Eyre, the founders of valuesparenting.com, about Life Balance. It was about Getting There vs. Enjoying the Journey. I felt moved to share their insights with you here because since reading them myself, I have found it easier to simply enjoy life. Hakuna Matata, as it were.

I am a woman of lists. I schedule as much of my life as I possibly can because it keeps me sane. If I go more than a week without referring to my various lists, I begin to lose my marbles. The side of myself that is oriented toward “getting there” is very strong. I've improved over the years. I don't plan every day of our vacations any more. But I've spent a lot of time worrying about how much I have to do, want to do, should be doing and not enough time just enjoying. My spontaneous, fun-loving side needs a little, okay a lot, more nurturing.

The world seems to want us to stereotype ourselves as either serious or fun, a planner or a flexible “go with the flow” kind of person. In truth, we should be both. We should plan for the future because we do want to get there. But if we think that once we get there, we'll finally be happy, then we are dangerously wrong. All the work and worrying we do is with the mindset of just plugging through life, and one day we'll see the moment when we finally caught up, finally got what we wanted, etc, and then we'll be happy. Until then, it's just the hum drum daily routine. When we see the journey only as a means to an end, then we resent it. We take no time to notice beauty or opportunity. How sad!

The Eyres helped me to sloooow down and stop being obsessed with my to do lists. I stick to them for the most part, but am flexible enough to deviate when I see the need. Suddenly I am playing with the baby more and reading to my daughter more. I'm tickling her, and my husband, who flips out every time. He's very hard to catch. I'm cracking jokes and being silly. I'm still planning my days and weeks and even months. But as I do so, I'm asking myself how I can enjoy them, too. Now I'm not in such a hurry all the time. Life is way more fun this way.

And guess what? I'm able to do more of what Jesus would have me do. That brings the greatest joy of all.

Hope, Purpose and Enduring to the End

2010-02-06T13:45:00.000-08:00

Most of you know that since my last post, I have given birth to a beautiful son. I've always been a natural, no drugs kinda girl. I believe God made my body to be able to do this and women have been giving birth since the beginning of time, so I should be able to as well. I did okay with my first one and so I thought I would be fine with this one, too. Well, everything went okay until the end and I sort of panicked when I felt the pain, which was worse this time. The only choice I had was to go on and finish. It didn't matter that I was exhausted or felt that I didn't have the strength or capacity to handle it. I had to get my son here and no one else could do it for me. Of course, once I was holding him, I forgot the pain and felt the sweet joy and relief that only a mother knows when her children are finally in her arms.

I have since reflected on the physical pain that so much of the human race has lived through. The pain of torture as a prisoner of war, the pain of chronic illness or disabling injury. People who have lived in past ages who had to undergo such physical hardship as I will never have to know. How could they have done it? Why do our spirits not flee our bodies in fear and shed the mortal shell to which they are bound? Where does the will to continue come from? The strength to keep fighting? I suppose Jesus Christ was the only being who really had the power to “commend [His] spirit” into the Father's hands. Even He shrank from the bitter cup with which He was presented.

There was a moment during my pain when I wept and mentally called on God for strength and help. I looked at my husband and it was as though my spirit received strength from him and from God. After that, I was able to do what I needed to do.
In those moments when the pain is excruciating, what is it that helps us through? My pain had a very clear purpose. But what about when there is no clear purpose? When we simply must have faith that God knows the purpose even if we can't see it?

I came to realize that the same thing that motivated me is what motivates any and all creatures to “endure to the end.” I had hope that my suffering would end and that it had a purpose: to bring one of God's beautiful children into the world.

Whether we know the specific purpose or not, as followers of Jesus Christ, we know that all our suffering is at the very least to teach us something and that we will not be given anything that we cannot bear. We have hope that no matter what happens now, all will turn out well in the end.

The scripture comes to mind, “Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life.”

Fight the Good Fight of Faith

2010-01-19T17:12:00.000-08:00

I have not posted in a long time. A month, actually. I apologize. My energies have turned from making a spiritual and loving Christmas season for my family to preparations for having a new baby boy come to us and make us whole. We've dealt with sicknesses and overtime hours as well and that has been a challenge to my accomplishing the many tasks a mother feels are necessary before her baby comes.

I have had moments of quiet comfort from the Spirit of the Lord and reassurance come to me. I have been uplifted and strengthened. Yet I have not felt able to write a post because I have spiritually been hanging on by the skin of my teeth as far as keeping it together. Part of this is because I was so much more prepared for the birth of my daughter than I have been for this one. I spent so much time reflecting and visualizing and praying over her birth, mentally preparing myself for all I may have to face. This time, I have barely been able to keep up with normal life, much less prepare myself mentally.

Last week was a low point for me. I was frantically trying to accomplish all that I could while still physically capable. A good friend asked how I was doing and I admitted to feeling overwhelmed and ready for this pregnancy to be over. In her reply, she wisely counseled me “not to let the Adversary steal away any of the spiritual aspects of this experience for you.”

Her comment pierced my soul and I realized this is exactly what I was allowing Satan to do. I've been so distracted from spiritual things that I have not spent adequate time reflecting on the joyous moment this is for our family. From that moment, I began to recover from my “woe is me” attitude and focus on what truly matters.

Then I read 1 Timothy 6:12, where we are counseled to “fight the good fight of faith.” I realized that I had allowed so much doubt and negativity to enter my mind and heart that I was unable to exercise my faith. Faith and doubt cannot exist in the same heart at the same time. True faith will chase away doubt.

But many times, It - Is - A - Fight.

We are at war here on this earth. Good and evil are the opposing forces. Evil fights every chance it gets to try to own our hearts and minds. We must fight the good fight of faith and defeat it, choosing the good over the evil. That is why we are here.

I refer to this as fighting to regain the fullness of my faith. The fight is choosing to kneel in prayer, choosing to study His Word, choosing to act kindly, choosing to listen to and sing uplifting songs, choosing to repent of wrongdoing, choosing to spend time with family, choosing to discard negative thoughts and think more virtuous ones.

The Lord has blessed me with these last couple of weeks. I think He knew I would need them to finish up the necessary preparations, let go of the unnecessary ones and be motivated to go through whatever I need to go through to bring one of his precious sons into the world. He knew I would need the time to receive and bear witness to my daughter that bringing a child into this world is one of the most sacred experiences we can have and that it should be reverenced. He knew I would need the time to fight the good fight. I am so thankful He knows what I need.

The Quiet of a Storm

2009-12-19T17:57:00.000-08:00

Today, we were supposed to bake tons of chocolate chip cookies to give away at church. We were supposed to thoroughly clean the house and make ham rolls and chocolate cake for the family Christmas Party that was to be in our home. We were supposed to bake more sugar cookies and decorate them to give away to my daughters' friends at church. We were supposed to get everything else ready for tomorrow. We were supposed to have a busy, busy day.

But it snowed more than a foot.

We are buried in beautiful blissful escape.

Instead, I kept my Pajamas on all day. I took video and pictures of my family playing in the snow. I huffed and puffed my pregnant self through the knee deep snow and played in it. I laughed when I fell backwards and my husband had to pull me up out of it. I enjoyed some hot chocolate with marshmallows (Warm chocolate soymilk is not so bad!). I still made cookies, but they were the healthy oatmeal walnut chocolate chip lactose free kind, not the mix I had been planning on using for convenience. I still ate too many chocolate chips. My daughter and I colored lots of pictures with a brand new box of crayons. I watched my husband play with my daughter outside and fell more in love with him. He let her try to play his trumpet after filling the house with Christmas and spiritual music for a while.

After dinner, she snuggled with daddy in the recliner while he read the scriptures and we said family prayer. Then we turned out all the lights and looked at the lighted manger scene and tree. We sang Christmas carols together. It was peaceful and filled with joy. It was what Christmas is all about. I love the Savior. I love my family. I love that I can be with them most of the days of my life. I love Christmas. I love snow.

I love it when Heavenly Father sends a blizzard to quiet the storm of our lives.

When I Am Weak, Then Am I Strong

2009-12-10T07:00:00.000-08:00

In his second letter to the Corinthians, Paul gives us the above statement. After a mostly pleasant morning became colored by my frustrations and annoyances, I read this and wondered, now what do you mean, Paul? When I am Weak, Then am I Strong? How exactly?

The matter required further delving into the scriptures to understand. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 is given after Paul tells us he prayed three times for the Lord to remove his “thorn in the flesh” from him. The scripture says, “And he (the Lord) said unto me, “My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.” Most gladly therefore will I (Paul) rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then am I strong.” (I added the quotes and names for clarification).

Okay, Paul, so what you are saying is that because you have weaknesses, there are qualities in your character which need the power of Christ to change. When the power of Christ is there with you, helping you, you are strong because of His presence.

But what about how I was frustrated this morning? I didn't feel strong. I didn't feel Christ working in me. Of course, I realized, that's because I wasn't letting Him. I mean, I was giving into my weakness instead of asking for His help with it. Without His help, when I am weak, I'm just weak.

I studied further. One of the footnotes led me to this scripture: “And if men come unto me, I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.” (Ether 12:27).

Ah. So the next time in the same situation, if I am humble and aware of my weakness, and if I slow down and take the time to petition the Lord for His help, then He will help me to change my direction and choose actions that are more reflective of a Christlike nature. Sometimes the petition may just be a 10 second prayer and a few deep breaths. Other times, a weakness or distress may feel so strong that it overcomes our whole souls for a time. When this happens, we must fall to our knees as well, and humbly petition the Lord for His help in whatever capacity we need. We can faithfully offer prayer to Him for as long as it takes until His healing peace and comfort, even His strength and grace overwhelms our souls and changes us from someone who feels out of control into someone who can handle anything.

My Testimony of Jesus Christ

2009-11-20T08:41:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling the holiday season approach a little earlier this year. Maybe it's because I already heard 'Jingle Bell Rock' on the radio station. Or maybe it's because I've already been shopping for gifts and putting packages together, complete with red and green ribbons. Maybe it's because I've already bought the 2 dozen eggs I'll need for the pumpkin bread I'm going to make and give away. I'm excitedly anticipating getting out the Christmas decorations and I think I am set on actually doing some of that before Thanksgiving this year, which is way out of my normal 'Christmas season boundaries.'

One of the things that has caused me to think more about Christmas this year is planning how I am going to teach my daughter about Jesus Christ. I'm already anticipating the magical way that the Christmas season can bring us closer to the Savior if we allow it to.

So today, I want to share a simple testimony of the power of Jesus Christ. I say simple, but in fact there are many different facets to it, as the many different colors reflected altogether to produce a beautiful pure white to our eyes.

First and foremost, I know that He suffered and died for me, taking on the punishment for my sins so that the demands of justice would be met. Because He did this, I am able to be made clean through Him, a recipient of infinite mercy at his hands. I know that after three days, He was resurrected, and overcame death for all of us. I know I will be resurrected because of His power. I know that He lives. I know that He loves each one of us. I know that He wants us to come unto Him, to repent, to pray, to study His word and follow the example He set for us in how to treat our neighbor.

I also know what it is to wander through this life, feeling as though its purpose has eluded me. I know what it is to be beset on all sides by depression, negativity, heartache, loneliness and doubt. I know what it is to long for something more. To long for change. To long for happiness. To long for peace. Because of my Savior, Jesus Christ, I know what it is to feel a sure purpose, to be guided out of the depths of sorrow, and to receive the peace I have longed for.

My deepest knowledge of the Savior has come to me in quiet moments of prayer and study, or in the times I am able to listen to the words His Spirit speaks to my heart as I listen to the lessons I hear at church or the testimony of friends and family. It is in those moments, when it feels as though an arrow of emotion is piercing through my heart, that I have learned for myself that He lives. I have learned that He does have the power to lighten our burdens if we will but hand them over. I have learned that He will take anger and judgment away from our hearts if we will let Him in far enough to do so. I have learned that He will answer our prayers for others if we will have the faith to step back and patiently watch His hands at work. I have learned that He can speak peace to our hearts even in the midst of chaos all around. I have learned that He can truly turn our weaknesses into strengths. I have learned that through Him, we can press forward in this life, with a perfect brightness of hope for what the future contains. If we truly make it our goal to follow Him, our Good Shepherd will lead us safely home. That we may all draw ourselves closer to Jesus Christ our Savior this Christmas season is my prayer.

Love One Another

2009-11-10T16:28:00.000-08:00

It's so amazing how friends can impact your life so much. Just being friends with people and loving them dearly, to the point that I hear about their struggles and triumphs in life, can make such a huge difference in my own perspective and mood.

This is a month of gratitude. As we are teaching our daughter this month, we are counseled in the scriptures to “love one another, even as I have loved you.” (See John 13:34-35). The more I pray for Heavenly Father to bless me to feel great love for other people, the better able I am to push the pause button on my own life and simply listen to others. The more love I feel for them, the more I am convinced that the Lord wants us to love others not only to serve and help them, but because it will change our own hearts as well.

As I see the struggles others face, my own struggles dwindle into near nothingness, or at the very least become much more manageable. He makes my “burdens light” as He shows me the tremendous burdens that others face. Matthew 10:39 says, “He that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.” As I love others as Jesus loves me, I actually find myself. I find more joy and gratitude in my heart. I don't blow things out of proportion or get angry easily. I don't dwell on my own problems because I am humbled by the problems other people are facing. I don't waste time on unnecessary things and forget about the priorities and goals I've set for myself and family. So, Love! As you go into this holiday season, Love One Another! It will increase your capacity to feel the Savior's love for you, too.

Love Causes Change

2009-11-02T06:52:00.000-08:00

Sunday morning this week was a bear. I'm grouchy when I'm sleepy anyway, but this morning was especially trying. The time change might help some people, but for us, we're always tricked into staying up late thinking that we have an extra hour anyway, only to overdo it and face a groggy morning with a very awake daughter who thinks it is an hour later than we do. There was an extra Grrr in my grouchiness on this particular morning.

I prayed for help during a few quiet moments. Angry feelings stayed with me for a while until I finally told my daughter that I needed to feel the Holy Ghost and I had not yet read my scriptures. She wanted me to read to her from a church magazine, so I compromised and told her I would choose the story to make sure it had some good scriptures in it that would help me feel the Spirit.

I turned to the first message in the Friend magazine and read President Thomas S. Monson's message. The first line was “Love causes change.” Immediately, my heart was pierced with the message from the Spirit that the love I have for my family should cause me to change. I felt sorry for my angry feelings and repented in that moment, feeling the Lord heal my heart with his love for me.

The scripture quoted there was John 13:34, “A new commandment I give unto you, that ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.”

I tried for the rest of the morning to show my family the same love the Savior shows me. The angry feelings were completely gone. Forgiveness came. Then a situation arose that would have normally tried my patience beyond my ability to remain calm. A power struggle with my daughter. Amazingly, I still felt the Spirit throughout the whole almost hour long ordeal. (We don't have church until 11:30). The Lord wasn't just helping me control my anger. He helped me so that the anger never even appeared in my heart! After the episode, I was filled with gratitude that I was able to handle it in a kind, firm way without giving in.

I testify that the Savior's love changes our hearts, not only in the moment we first choose to follow Him, but in all the challenging moments after that as well. His love causes change. Our love for our family and Him cause us to change for the better. The experience reminds me of the scripture that says, “Awake my soul! No longer droop in sin.” As I tried to teach my daughter that bad choices do not help us feel joy, I realized that I am still learning the same lesson myself. Her actions were paralleling what I had done that morning. I hope I can teach her that Jesus can change our hearts even when we are caught up in bad feelings if we choose to seek Him.

Charity Never Faileth

2009-10-25T07:15:00.000-07:00

I had several opportunities to give and observe service to others this past week. For a while now, I've been in the process of organizing my time and household so that I could keep up with everything and not feel behind all the time. Amazingly, I feel I have succeeded, with the Lord's help, of course. This week I found that offering service to others is so much easier when I am caught up on my personal and family responsibilities. It made me wonder what the Lord expects of us in terms of giving service to others. Should I never serve outside my family unless I am caught up at home? I don't think that sounds right. So what is the right balance between service to others and our own responsibilities?

My perspective about how much service I give has improved as I have taken on this project of keeping up at home. I've come to understand that while my family members are responsible for their own portion, the cleaning of my home is actually a service to them (and it helps me, too). But it's not just cleaning that I feel I need to keep up with. It is teaching my daughter right from wrong, making sure there are good influences in her life, teaching her the scriptures and making sure all family members are communicating well and taking care of one another. I won't list everything I do here. I'm sure you moms out there know what responsibilities I am referring to.

I believe it was President Thomas S. Monson who said, “Don't ever let the solving of a problem become more important than the loving of a person.” Priorities are so important here. I don't think striking a balance is going to be the same every day or week or month or year. It will just vary from time to time. Sometimes sacrificing your own to do list in favor of serving someone else is what the Lord would have you do. And sometimes He would have you focus your service within the walls of your own home before taking your efforts outside it.

I have found that as I am sure to make prayer and scripture study a part of my regular morning routine, then I am able to listen to the voice of the Lord's Spirit in my heart. He shows me what areas need my attention. I read 1 Corinthians 13 this morning. This includes the famous passage of scripture “faith, hope, and love, but the greatest of these is love.” I prefer the KJV, which keeps the more original translation “charity” rather than love. Charity is love, after all.

Giving service is not really about a list of tasks you have done. Charity is an attitude of Christlike love. Verse 3 says, “And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.” We can run ourselves ragged performing acts of service, but it doesn't matter if we don't have charity, or true love, in our hearts as we do them.

The important thing as we decide how much service to give is to keep ourselves in communication with our Heavenly Father. We will feel peace when He is pleased with our efforts. If there is something He would have us to do, His Spirit will whisper it to our hearts. So my first responsibility, no matter how busy I am otherwise, is to pray and study His word enough each day so that I can hear His voice. Doing so will also help me to develop an attitude of charity in all the things I do, and remember that, “Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not, charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never faileth,” (1 Cor. 13:4-8).

Perfect Love Casteth Out All Fear

2009-10-19T07:48:00.000-07:00

Today I wanted to record the pure joy I felt as a mother watching my daughter overcome a fear of hers and speak into the microphone at church – in front of all those people watching her. The children's presentation was this weekend and my four-year-old had a few short lines to say. It was a blessing that I am a teacher of her age group. Though she is not normally in my class, I was able to be the one helping her at the microphone, whispering her part into her ear.

At the last practice, she was too afraid to do it. So, this past week, I prayed about how to help her overcome this because I knew it would be a real stepping stone for her to become more brave at being in front of crowds. She doesn't like all the eyes to be on her in any situation. So I knew this would be a great opportunity for her to feel brave and feel proud of herself and that she could do things that are a little scary.

As I prayed, the Holy Ghost impressed me that I ought to search for scriptures about fear to share with my daughter. I share a very short verse of scripture with her each day, so I started looking and found the one in D&C 38 which reads, “If ye are prepared, ye shall not fear.” I talked to her about how if we get ready for something, then we don't have to be scared to do it.

The next day, the Spirit helped me to find another scripture, which reads: “for perfect love casteth out all fear. … I love little children with a perfect love” (Moroni 8:16-17). This was the perfect scripture! I shared it with my daughter and this one seemed to get through as I explained how Jesus loved her with this perfect love and that He would help her to throw away her fear. I added that even if she still felt a little scared, the Lord would help her feel more brave than she felt scared and she could do it anyway. We talked about how proud we would all be if she did it and how she would feel the love of Jesus in her heart helping her. I offered my prayers Sunday morning, reminded her of what the scriptures said, and we were off to church. I don't think I've ever seen her bite her nails as much as she did that morning.

Then she did it! And as she was saying her part, she was turning red in the face and smiling a little and looking back and forth from me to the congregation. When she was done, she looked at me with the happiest eyes I've ever seen and hugged me tight before going back to her seat. She was just shining.

Now you tell me that the Lord does not answer our prayers specifically right now in this day and age. I testify that He does! He lives! And He cares about each on of us so much that He will tell us, through the power of His Holy Spirit and the scriptures, how to live this life with success. He will help us learn how to live with joy and peace as our constant companions. He will answer prayer and help us to know in our minds and hearts how to raise our families.

The thoughts we have during prayer and study of His word are not always our own. They are the whisperings of a divine and loving Father who wants to help His children. He has a “perfect love” for me, for all of us. Because I am assured that He will help me, I can cast out all my fear and worry and live with joy. I can even do things that seem a little scary.

Communication is the Key

2009-10-14T06:56:00.000-07:00

We talk about all different kinds of keys in our culture. Keys open doors and opportunities and unlock power or success. We even go so far as to tell our significant other “You have the key to my heart.” Something that has been brought to my attention repeatedly over the years is that communication is the key to life. Perhaps it could even be called the secret of happiness.

Without question, every single time there has been a problem in my marriage, it has been because of a breakdown in communication. The same goes for any friendship problem I've had, as well as most of my challenges with children. Lack of communication is also the source of stagnation in my spiritual life.

The first and best way to find an answer to any problem, is, of course, prayer. What is prayer? Communication with our Father in Heaven. If Satan can distract us from prayer in any way, he will try. I cannot count the number of times I've thought, Okay, time for morning prayer, and then on my way toward the spot where I was going to kneel, I have stopped to return an object to its rightful place, then seen the mountain of laundry waiting to be folded, then felt the pressure of the days activities and time creeping up on me, answered the phone and before I know it, I am in the van driving on my first errand, never having uttered a word of prayer. Needless to say, I pray a lot when I'm driving, with my eyes open of course.

I really believe two of Satan's best tools are distraction and lack of communication. The latter can be brought about in so many ways, including our own pride or feeling of hopelessness. But we need to remember that God is our Father. Do you think He would send us here without setting up a way that we could communicate with him when we need to? He wants us to pray to Him for help! Not just in generalities, but with specifics. If we pray specifically, He will answer us specifically.

And as far as communicating with other people, take courage! People are people and as long as you are being respectful, you can usually find that some misunderstanding has occurred, or that a person has much more depth to them than you previously thought. Communication brings the discovery that most of us do actually have good intentions and are doing the best we can. Most of us aren't trying to hurt anyone else. So, pray for humility and take the time and effort it takes to communicate! It is so worth it. Many times, it is the key that unlocks the door to happiness.

Heart Transplant

2009-10-04T19:36:00.000-07:00

Today, I listened to a speaker from the LDS General Conference, held every six months and broadcast on BYUTV. Elder Renlund gave a very insightful analogy that I would like to recount here, because it is so relevant to what I am trying to do with this blog.

He talked about how a heart transplant procedure is done. The human body's reaction to receiving a new organ is to reject it. Medications have to be administered to help the body suppress this reaction and accept the new heart. People have to continue taking this medication daily to prevent problems from occurring. He was surprised at how often he would come across people skipping doses and becoming negligent about their medications.

He related this to the mighty change of heart we experience when we are converted through Jesus Christ. The tendency of the “natural man” is to reject the new, spiritually changed heart. We must actively administer “medications” that will keep our heart from hardening and turning back into stone. These medications are, of course, regular prayer and scripture study, service, worship, and obedience to the commandments, etc. In other words, living what we believe. If we skip doses and become negligent about our prayers and study, we can slip back into old habits and our hearts will not stay as close to Jesus Christ.

Thanks for the great analogy, Elder Renlund! I hope that I am in my small way helping my readers to remember to keep their hearts soft and close to the Savior.

Can't Do It Alone

2009-09-29T07:23:00.000-07:00

Today I am once again reminded that I simply cannot do it alone. I am in dire need of my Heavenly Father and his Son, Jesus Christ, as well as the Holy Ghost, every single hour of my life. It always amazes me how quickly I can go from feeling peace and gratitude in my heart, and enjoying my blessings to feeling frustrated and irritable or angry, etc. I can go from being Christlike to being the opposite in a matter of hours. And sometimes it can last for days before I humble myself enough to offer an earnest prayer for help. To admit to Heavenly Father that I am not doing something right and I need help to overcome my feelings. Or to plead with him to help me overcome the feelings induced by the unfortunate choices of others around me.

Nothing helps me faster than prayer. This morning, I prayed and felt that I should exercise. So I did, and I put the extra “umph” into it in an effort to release the angry feelings I was having. It really helped! As I physically released that angry energy, I was able to soften my heart and hear the voice of the Holy Ghost. He was reminding me of some specific things I have already learned, but that I have forgotten. Remembering these small details helped me to put into perspective a situation that I was misconstruing. I was able to pray and offer the Lord more sincere repentance after my workout was over. He always knows just what I need! I'm so thankful that he cares enough about my little life in the grand scheme of things to lend me his grace and help me through it.

Self Discovery

2009-09-22T06:47:00.000-07:00

There is a preoccupation with self discovery among youth and adults alike in our world. It's like this need that has been programmed into us all to find out “who I am.” I grew up thinking about this and I'm sure several of you did, too. What it took me a long time to understand is that really, finding out who you are is a function of your choices. You are who you choose to be. Your choices govern who you become.

Also, we, as adults or youth, are not one well-defined person who needs to simply be uncovered. We are changing beings who learn from mistakes and improve (hopefully).

Some definitions are great and as we make choices in life, we add to our self-definition. The choice to be chaste, sober, married, etc. Definitions that help us live up to righteous standards are good. Standards and values should be well-defined and followed. But sometimes when we define ourselves, it can actually limit us from growing. We may not say them aloud, but some of us actually define ourselves in negative ways. We are addicts, we can't hear God's answers to prayer, we are too sick to do what we want or need to do.
What is it that makes you feel like you don't know who you are in the first place? Usually, wrong choices do. It's not that you don't know who you are; it's that you are not making all the choices that you know you should be. We don't quite live in complete faith that God will guide our lives one step at a time. If we did, we would feel really good about ourselves.

Sometimes we feel lost because of the challenges that come with circumstance. Several things go wrong at once and we wonder who we are or if we are doing something wrong to deserve this. Perhaps we may wonder if God is punishing us. I am grateful to have an understanding about God that leads me to ask the question, “What is God trying to teach me through this trial?” rather than a “woe is me” attitude, or even a “I don't even know who I am anymore” attitude. If I have consistently tried to make good choices, I have a solid foundation for who I think I am. Of course, the Lord knows better. He knows how I need to grow even if I can't see it. So if a moment comes when I am asking, “Who am I?” because of a trial, I can ask with the understanding that the Lord is only trying to mold me into someone better.

Being an Instrument

2009-09-17T08:30:00.000-07:00

Today I sort of reached a point where I was floundering a bit in knowing what the Lord would have me to do. (How appropriate, considering my last two posts). So I prayed more than usual this morning and studied the scriptures more than usual and afterward I was feeling the Spirit again.

Now that my daughter is in preschool for 3 hours every morning, I made a general commitment that I would use most of that time for my writing, meaning my novel. However, this week, I completed an amazing two chapters by Wednesday afternoon. I was feeling so good, but so weird. All of the sudden, I do have more time to write. The writing is flowing along nicely, so I started to feel like I should use my precious alone time to do some other important things. I suddenly have time to look at the other priorities the Lord has given me that I may have neglected, like helping other people, for example.

I felt I should write my testimony in a letter format and give it to a friend. So I did. I also felt I should write another letter to a friend that might help them grow spiritually. So I did. Now I am writing this and I feel really good about what I did with my morning.

I had tons of other things and errands I could have been doing, but I felt out of sync with the Lord's will. It was just a feeling like I was missing something. I realized that all of my writing and creativity can't be constantly poured into only one thing – my novel, that is. I have been given this gift because the Lord wants me to use it as a tool. I do feel He will use my novel as a tool to help others grow spiritually, but that is not all he wants me to do. Writing a novel takes a long time. A very looooong time sometimes. In the meantime, life goes by!

I felt today that the Lord was telling me, just as he led me to start this blog, to use my talent in other ways to bless the lives of people I love. I just have to pay enough attention to the ones I love and pray over them and seek the Lord's will for how he would use me as an instrument in their lives. Nothing feels better than being used as an instrument in the Lord's hands, whether it is through writing a letter, or doing a small or great service. Some people think they can't sacrifice their time to serve others or write tedious letters because then they would not get anything else done that they wanted to and then they would not be happy. On the contrary, when we sacrifice what we thought would bring us happiness to do what the Lord wants us to do instead, then we actually find true joy and contentment. The Lord amazes me with his ways! He is wonderful.

Faith, Pride, and Trials: Part II

2009-09-13T16:57:00.000-07:00

Last time I talked about not assuming superiority over the truth. As in, we need to admit the truth to ourselves when things are going wrong instead of pridefully continuing in our feelings of resentment, anger, etc. I referenced James 3:14.

We should not assume superiority over God's will, either. I know people who have acted on the guidance they received in answer to prayer. Then as they continued to do what they were sure was God's will for them, things went in the wrong direction and turned out to be a big challenge. When this happens, people sometimes lose faith in their ability to know what God's will is for them. If whatever happened had been God's will, then it would not have gone awry.

Well, I believe that we cannot presume to know the mind of the Lord as we follow His will. I do know that He will guide and direct us through the power of the Holy Ghost as we humbly seek answers to our prayers. He gives us direction concerning the things we are responsible for (as in ourselves and family, not the President of the United States). If we have faith, we can receive guidance and answers to know what to do in our lives specifically. The Lord knows each of us better than we know ourselves. He knows what lessons we need to learn. He knows what we can and can't handle. We must have faith that He knows what He is doing. He is God.

How could we react differently to challenges like this? When we thought we were doing something right, but it just didn't work out. In the midst of all trials, no matter what happens, we can keep our faith in Jesus Christ. Abraham kept his faith even when he was asked to sacrifice his son! We can keep our faith that the Lord knows what he is doing, even if we don't understand it. I studied the Book of Revelation in depth once and realized, with the help of a religion instructor, that the main message of the entire Revelation to John is that God is in control. He knows what He is doing.

Even when it feels like our lives are out of control, He is watching over us and will guide our steps if we let Him. Just look at what the Lord allowed to happen to Job. But Job never lost faith, even when all he owned and all his children and even his health were taken from him! All at once almost! The Lord never would have allowed it if He had known Job could not handle it. But He did. And Job kept his faith strong. He did not assume superiority over God's judgment in allowing these terrible things to happen to him. And the Lord blessed him beyond what he had before after the trials were over.

Projects we began because we were following God's will may not always go the way we thought they would. But the Lord can use even failed projects to meet other objectives and to bring blessings into people's lives in ways we may not be able to see until after we die. Even in the midst of our trials, we can find peace in moments of quiet prayer and study of His word. We can find peace as we humble ourselves and keep our faith in the Lord and his timing.

Faith, Pride, and Trials: Part I

2009-09-08T07:20:00.000-07:00

I was reading in James this week, chapter 3. Verse 14 reads, “But if ye have bitter envying and strife in your hearts, glory not, and lie not against the truth.” The word “glory” has a footnote with the Greek translation, which means, “do not assume superiority over.” So, with that in mind, we could read, “If ye have bitter envying and strife in your hearts, do not assume superiority over the truth.”

This verse has really helped me to humble myself enough to pray to receive God's help. Who among us does not have some kind of strife in our hearts from time to time? Whether it is anger or depression or just a generally negative attitude. Usually when we are continuing to have these feelings without resolution, it is because we have not admitted the truth to ourselves. Pride plays a major role here as we continue to feel angry at God for something gone wrong or depressed that our lives aren't happier when actually they are pretty blessed.

Pride helps us justify what we are feeling and doing. Resentment and anger feeds itself as we neglect the truth. We presume to know what another person was thinking when he did such and such. We are angry because a child is repeatedly disobedient. But if we examined the situation for truth, we would see that perhaps that person had good intentions after all, or was unaware. We would see that we had been neglecting the child all day in favor of errands and housework and that we are the ones who do not have our priorities in order.

Part of admitting the truth to ourselves is admitting that we need the Lord's help to change our hearts. Sometimes part of the anger we feel is anger at ourselves for not being able to change and do what is right, or feel the right way about something. But the truth we must realize is that we cannot do it all by ourselves. Our relationship with the Savior is vital here. We must remember to pray and study His word, two things that pride keeps us from doing. Prayer and study help us to receive the blessings of His Atoning Sacrifice. He is only waiting for us to ask for His help. When we are humble enough to admit we need it, He pours out blessings upon us. He changes our hearts like no other source can.

I have had this experience many times. Everything seems to be going wrong with my week or day and I am resentful and irritable and depressed and angry. When I finally remember to take a step back and examine what is really going on, I realize that I haven't said my prayers, I haven't studied my scriptures, and I am not feeling the Holy Spirit with me. The problem was me, not my circumstances. I have knelt in prayer at these times and poured my heart out to the Lord. He hears me every time and I count it nothing less than a miracle that when I stand up again, my heart is changed and the bitter feelings have been taken away by the Lord Jesus Christ himself.

The Teenager Attitude

2009-08-30T21:17:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I am frustrated with the behavior of preteens and teenagers and I chalk it up to that “teenager attitude” everyone seems to label them as having. Well, I was thinking about that this weekend. I had to handle some bickering and fighting between some children that age and I found myself acting almost as disrespectful as they were!

I was thinking, wow, my true colors really show through when I am under stress. Is this who I really am? Well, no, who I really am depends on all my choices and actions, most of which I hope are pretty good. And yes, I do have room for improvement.

Someone at church today said, though, that we must use righteous judgment as we choose to place ourselves in any situation. We should try our best to avoid situations in which we know we may become tempted to act inappropriately. Hmmm, I thought. Does that mean I should just avoid the situation where I will have to handle arguing teenagers? Maybe. It does tempt me sorely to act in a way that is not Christlike.

So I was thinking about this disrespectful behavior (mine and theirs). Then it occurred to me that there is no such thing as a teenager attitude. It is all one big continuum over a lifetime.
There are simply attitudes and behaviors that we observe as children and adopt as we grow up, whether we realize we are doing so or not. (Mostly not.) We either keep them for a lifetime or work for a lifetime to overcome them.

They manifest differently at different ages. I am now wondering what the strong-willed nature of my four-year-old will turn into later. I hope I can overcome my own disrespectful tendencies enough to live a good example for her to observe and imitate.

What a gift it is to our children if we teach them the basics of respecting others and themselves! Basic manners and kindness such as not interrupting, cleaning up after yourself, saying please and thank you, actually caring about your family members and trying to understand them, and other family habits like sitting down together to eat a meal...these used to be taught in homes and schools but seem to have gotten lost somewhere in our culture over the past several decades.

The scriptures say in James 3 that, “In many things we offend all. If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man, and able also to bridle the whole body,” and “Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing (of God) and cursing (of man)....these things ought not so to be.”

What a gift that lasts a lifetime if we can teach our children to speak softly and guard their speech carefully. If we can teach them to be calm and have the attitude of a peacemaker. I'm going to have to pray for a lot of help and patience to teach this one. Does anyone else struggle with this?

Parents, Children, and Christlike Love

2009-08-23T18:21:00.000-07:00

It is sad to me that so many parent/child relationships end up in shambles when the child reaches adulthood. Pondering this has caused me to wonder whether I am already doing things that are leading my daughter toward the can't-wait-to-get-away-from-my-parents attitude so many teenagers have. Our family is focusing on Respect this month and I have begun to realize just how disrespectfully I speak to my daughter at times.

Too often, we are our own worst selves when in the presence of family members because they are the ones with whom we feel the most comfortable. This is unfortunate because these are the people we should treat with the most respect and the best manners of all.

I've wondered what causes this bitter annoyance or resentment that many people have for their parents. Perhaps one of the causes is the basic nature of the relationship. Other than marriage, it is the most challenging relationship in this life in terms of treating one another in a Christlike manner.

We grow up from infancy with our moms and dads. We observe them in every life situation. We see their reactions, attitudes, hypocrisies and flaws. Other than a spouse, there is no other person about whom we know so much. We know their flaws, mistakes, and sins all too well. Unfortunately, we may not have grown up seeing or hearing any of the regret they felt for their mistakes. I think of the times I mentally scold myself for saying one thing and doing another in front of my daughter. She does not hear my mental scolding; she only hears what I say and sees what I do.

The scriptures say, “Of you it is required to forgive all” and “Judge not lest ye be judged.” These relationships in which so many of a person's flaws are blatantly visible create one of the ultimate tests of our faith in this life.

Will we forgive our parents for the flaws we've seen in them for a lifetime and treat them with kindness? Will we willingly serve them with the same Christlike, respectful attitude with which we serve those who are our neighbors, but perhaps are not as familiar to us?

I hope I can improve and show more respect to all of my family members. I've found that the more communicating and seeking to understand I try to do, the better able I am to treat my family members with Christlike love. Families are part of God's plan for our lives. When we face Him in the end, I feel that the way we have handled our family relationships will be very high on the list of things to be reviewed.

Escape versus Prayer

2009-08-16T12:08:00.000-07:00

Today at church, someone spoke about how we are eternal beings and will live forever. But we have one short earthly life to live and learn from. So, we should get serious about learning all we can and becoming more Christlike in this life, which is very short in the eternal scheme of things.

The comment made me think about escape. I have an unfortunate tendency to want to escape from life when it is getting too hard for me to handle. I want to read Harry Potter for hours or just watch a movie, get out of the house, go away for the weekend, send my daughter to Grandma's, etc, etc. I even just want to escape to the brief pleasure that comes from eating a piece of chocolate.

The problem with this is that when I'm back from my escape, my problems are still there. Sometimes they are worse. Those of you who know me are probably wondering what in the world kind of problems I have in my amazingly blessed and seemingly trial-free life. Well, I'm the first one to admit that most of my problems come from my own attitude about things. Anyway, that doesn't matter. We all have problems.

Relaxing in life does, of course, have its place. We all need fun and recreation to renew our energies and help us enjoy life. But I've found that escaping every time I reach the boiling point of frustration or stress is actually hindering my spirituality and closeness to Jesus Christ.

It is taking me so long to learn this lesson, but I am gradually figuring out that it's true. When I am bustling around the house, feeling sorry for myself because of all the work I have to do, or anytime I am feeling depressed for any reason, escape is not a productive solution.

I am finding that whenever I feel like escaping from life, if I kneel down and pray instead, or read the scriptures or a spiritual article, then the Lord changes my heart and helps me to feel better, allowing me to go about my work with a light heart and a positive attitude. He helps me to remember the many blessings I should be feeling grateful for and how many people there are who would give much to be in my situation.

We are here on earth to learn something. The Lord is our teacher. If we spend our whole life escaping from problems, we won't learn anything. We are eternal beings. Whether it is one day soon or after we die, we will have to face the problems we struggle with and will not be able to escape them. Ultimately, real escape is impossible. I would rather face it now and learn something.

It always brings me more happiness to learn from God in prayer and scripture study. Escape only brings temporary relief. I don't want to face my Maker after I die and have him tell me what I should have learned from the experiences I had on the earth. I think a habit of escape is one of Satan's tools to distract us from becoming more like the Savior and to keep us from being happy. The Lord gave us freedom of choice so we could act, not be acted upon. Escape is a reaction to the forces I feel acting upon me. Prayer, however, is an act, a choice I take to help me cope with and learn from those forces. Anyone else have any experiences or thoughts to share? I'd love to see your comments.

Faith

2009-08-13T18:57:00.000-07:00

I just got around to watching the movie Bucket List last night. It's a sad but uplifting story about two men who are diagnosed with cancer and given a year to live. While they are on a last chance get-away trip together, they have a conversation about faith and the existence of God. Cole says something like, “You don't claim to know anything I don't know.” Carter replies that he “just has faith.”

As I watched this, I felt sad for the millions of people out there who think that belief is all that faith can be. I am so grateful that I have been taught about how God speaks to us through the power of the Holy Ghost. Those sweet assurances that have come to me during times of prayer enable me to say with no doubt that I know God lives and Jesus Christ is our Savior. I know they are real. I have felt it through the power of the Holy Ghost and there is nothing that would ever cause me to say that I merely believe or have faith that they are real. They have performed miracles and answered prayers in my life.

So if you are one of those people who think faith can never progress into a perfect knowledge until after death, then I have a challenge for you. Pray. Pray simply for your Heavenly Father to manifest to you the truthfulness of the scriptures, or of the existence of Him and His Son. The Lord has promised that if you pray in faith, believing that you will receive an answer to your prayer, you will receive.

I do not wish to belittle the faith of others. Faith is how it all begins! Faith is absolutely necessary! But be assured that in a conversation like Carter's, it is possible to reply with a sure knowledge that God is real because of the witness felt in the heart.

Time Marches On

2009-07-25T19:04:00.000-07:00

I recently attended church in a place I have not been for about seven years. Two years before I left there, I taught a sweet little six-year-old girl who knew all the answers to gospel questions and was amazingly sensitive to spiritual things. As I sat in the congregation, I realized that the beautiful young woman conducting the music was this little girl from my class! I was overwhelmed with joy and love for her and so proud to see her up front, conducting herself so reverently. I smiled brightly at her and she smiled back. After the meeting, I wanted to give her a big, heartfelt hug – I was nearly crying! I asked her if she remembered me.

She said, “No, I’m sorry,” with a polite but blank look on her face.

Something changes in the way you see yourself and the passage of time when things like that happen. Sigh. I’ll be turning thirty this year.

I recently came back into contact with some good friends who have a large family and found myself wondering how well the children would remember me.

It brought into focus a new aspect of adult and childhood for me. Many of you, I’m sure, have already figured this out. (I’m a little slow sometimes.) We grow into adults who have many experiences knowing, loving, teaching, and raising beautiful children. We have memory after memory stored up of these small people. But when they are all grown up, they only remember a very small portion of who you were to them as a child. Hmmm, who is really teaching who, here?

Hopefully the parent-child bond is strong enough to create many positive experiences after a child begins retaining more of their memory. Unfortunately, too many teenagers and parents go their separate ways. Relationships seldom stretch into adulthood so that the man who was once a child can get to know his parents on an adult level.

It all brings to mind the Lord’s promise in the book of Malachi. He said that in the last days, the Elijah would come and turn the hearts of the fathers to their children and the hearts of the children to their fathers (Mal. 4:6). Many people take this to mean that people will take a vested interest in their family history and the many generations that went before them and their stories. But what about just within our immediate family? Sure, we are supposed to leave our parents and cleave unto our spouse when we get married, but that doesn’t have to mean that we stop learning from our parents.

I don’t think I’ve fully allowed myself to consider the day when my daughter leaves home and I no longer have her close by. When I do, I think it will break my heart. Did it break my mom’s heart when I left home? Obviously, life goes on for empty-nesters. Marriage, the most important relationship in life, goes on. Grand-parenting begins and more joy comes as we find ourselves interacting with small people again.

Even though it might break my heart to let her go one day, I hope I will be proud of who she has become. Because even though she might not know everything about me, who I am will be reflected in her – every day – for the rest of her life, whether she remembers it or not. And a little bit of who I am will even be reflected in that little six-year-old, too. If seeing her as a righteous young woman of about fourteen brought me that much joy, then how much more will I be consumed by joy when it is my daughter, all grown up with a testimony of Jesus Christ in her heart? Why are we here, teaching and learning from all these children in our lives? Oh yeah, so we can have joy. And, so we can learn some of the most important lessons God has for us to learn.

Patting Yourself on the Back

2009-07-08T20:03:00.000-07:00

Last time, I asked how many people you know who pat themselves on the back at the end of the day. Today, I want to point out that if you do know any people like that, you should emulate them.

It goes back to fault-finding. Those of us who are so good at finding faults in others are also experts at finding faults within ourselves. Whether or not we are willing to openly admit to their existence, faults can cause us guilt and pain and self-hatred.

We cannot overcome our faults, however, without knowing what they are. So it is not a bad thing for me to realize it when I’ve made a mistake, especially when I’ve made one repeatedly and thought that it was a justified action. (What? You mean all that resenting didn’t actually give my husband any clues about how to treat me? You mean it’s not okay to drop subtle hints about how a person should be doing things my way (which is, of course, the right way)? Oh, so I really am supposed to pray every single day…)

The crucial point is what happens after we’ve realized a fault within ourselves. Naturally, we feel guilty, perhaps disappointed. We are frustrated or angry with ourselves. What is wrong with me?

Well, what is wrong with us is that we are human. That is not an excuse for behavior, but a realization that as children of God, we humans possess the God-given ability to progress, to overcome, to learn from mistakes, to repent, to commune with our Savior and be changed. In fact, that is one of the reasons we are here: to experience weakness so that we can have it turned into strength.

After we have truly come unto the Savior, there is another step that we frequently do not complete. We must forgive ourselves. We must show ourselves the unconditional love that the Savior shows to us. We must choose to feel happy with ourselves now instead of continuing to feel the guilt we felt when we first realized our mistake. We deserve to be happy. In case you didn’t know, another reason we are actually are here on earth so that we may have joy. (See my second post).

So instead of fault-finding, I’m going to work on joy-finding. There’s an ironic thing about loving yourself and being happy. It increases your ability to love others and help them feel happy, too. And it helps us all to do better today rather than worrying over what we should have done yesterday.

Unconditional Love

2009-07-01T12:23:00.000-07:00

In my life, I’ve had the experience of watching other people (and myself) make choices and express attitudes that are detrimental to themselves and others. I’ve seen them hurt others, whether knowingly or not. I’ve seen them justify and rationalize their own actions and attitudes as they’ve passed judgment on others.

One time, I was so frustrated with someone that I was on the brink of telling them (in the most polite way possible, of course), that they were hurting others and themselves and why couldn’t they just show some unconditional love, for heaven’s sake!

Then someone told me that solutions like that aren’t really solutions; they usually make things worse. So I restrained myself.

We humans are just too good at fault-finding sometimes. Fault-finding is kind of an interesting term. It all depends on your basic attitude toward people whether their faults are like neon stickers popping out all over their forehead until you can’t see their face anymore or whether we actually have to look with a magnifying glass to find a person’s faults. And if we would need to look closer, do we take the precious time from our lives to actually do the looking?

Even if we do notice a fault or two or two hundred in someone else, do we actually point it out to them? Do we do it indirectly, with even the subtlest of hints because we just cannot restrain ourselves from fixing their faults? Or do we just waste precious time worrying over them?

The likelihood is that those with whom you would find fault have already found plenty of faults in themselves. How many people do you know who pat themselves on the back at the end of the day?

How many do you know who weep with guilt over the things they wish they could have done differently? Who smile at you when you see them, but on the inside they are decaying with self-loathing.

You might say, but the Savior pointed out when people had wrong thoughts or feelings, or were disobeying God’s law. He told people their faults. Why can’t I? I’m a follower of Christ, I want others to be more Christ like, wouldn’t I just be helping them by gently telling them what they could do better?

Well, there are just a few small differences between us and the Savior.
1) He’s perfect. We’re not.
2) He fully forgives those who repent. We don’t even have the power to always know when a person is penitent about their sins. And whether they are or not, we’re expected to forgive them anyway.
3) He unconditionally loves everyone. We – well – we can (and should) try.

I was weeding the garden when it hit me. I was so angry with someone for being judgmental and hurtful and I was about to go judge and hurt them.

If we really want to help someone do better, shouldn’t we just love them unconditionally? (It’s all I wanted this person to do.) Then if the Lord truly prompts us to “reprove” someone, it will be in the context of love and could actually have the potential to inspire change. We can also pray for them and have faith that the Lord knows how to teach them better than we do.

How do you like it when someone gently tells you what you could do better? Yeah, remember the last time that happened? Occasionally this can be well received in a deeply loving relationship, but usually it only hurts.

Now, do you remember the last time God gently told you what you could do better? How did you respond to that? Isn’t it much easier to accept correction from someone who unconditionally loves you?

Just for the Joy

2009-06-15T18:03:00.000-07:00

I recently attended a horse show that people had come from all over the country to participate in. I watched as a few of the English Riders each took their turn on the course. I love to watch horseback riding and always wish that I could do that. I see what great pleasure the riders get out of what they are doing.

I also recently watched a movie about one man’s journey into NFL football.

Then my husband gave me a compliment on how well I can impersonate cartoon voices and the voices of other people. (Don’t ask me to do it for you; I can only do it for him and my daughter).

I know you are wondering what in the world all these things could have in common.

Sometimes I wonder why these certain things exist, not in an insulting sort of way, just in a curious-about-their-eternal-purpose sort of way. Football, horseback riding, the strange talent of impersonation. Competition, physical achievement, humor.

I spend a great deal of time in life making sure that I’m not doing anything that’s unnecessary. I don’t want to waste time on things that will have no benefit to my progress and learning or to the blessing of other people’s lives.

It has dawned on me in recent years that relaxing, having fun, and being funny are not actually a waste of time. Laughing brings great renewal and healing. It’s amazing. It can even bond people together. Impersonating cartoons makes my whole family smile and laugh. For the same reason, I stayed in the rain with them and set my own personal hula-hoop record, laughing hysterically the whole time.

As for football and horseback riding, doing something for the pure joy that it brings us is actually pleasing to our Father in heaven. Pilots love to fly. Writers love to write. Competitions in which the underdog succeeds can inspire thousands of people with hope.

Why did God make children with an inherent desire for an adult to play with them as often as possible? One reason is because it brings us great joy when we do it. Sometimes it is the only thing in the day that helps us remember we are supposed to be feeling happy. Why does He give some people the drive to compete? The desire to ride horses? The inclination to teach?

One of the deepest truths of which I can testify is that the Lord wants us to be happy. When we do what we feel inspired to do, whether over a lifetime or in one spontaneous moment of humor, we experience one of the purposes for which we came to earth: Joy.

Believe in the Ripples

2009-06-12T08:10:00.000-07:00

Some time ago, I was sitting by a lake in the early morning. A man was pouring buckets of water out of his canoe nearby. As I looked out over the lake, there were tiny waves all over it, ripples extending clear to the opposite shore, all from this one man’s very small bucket of water. I followed the ripples closely – surely the ones in the pattern of the water so far away could not be from this one man. But then he stopped. The water grew still again and I saw clearly that his small splash was indeed making ripples so far away that I was sure he was entirely unaware of them. He had his head down, looking at the boat the whole time.

‘Just keep on writing,’ said the voice of the Spirit to my heart. One day, I will finally pour the last bucket of water into these novels and I will look up and be astonished at the lake full of waves I have created, touching people’s lives, I hope.

Sometimes I feel guilty about not committing more time to writing since I have felt very much led by the Lord to do it. Occasionally, He has to remind me that taking care of myself and my family and teaching my daughter come first. I think the Lord leads many of us to do certain things that will have ripple effects we may never understand. It may not be writing for you. It may not even be the same thing every day.

Others are at times astounded that I have stuck with my writing for so long without even submitting for publishing yet or moving on to something else or just giving up. I’m not sure if “stuck with” is the right phrasing. I just keep coming back to my writing every time I’ve abandoned it to work on other pursuits – service in extended family or for other church members, family history endeavors, cleaning up my house, or painting it, having babies. When I can, I pour another bucket, no matter how small the splash may be. (One day this week I worked for three hours and ended up with one page of new text).

But part of why I’ve been able to do this is that I believe in the ripples. My goal is not singularly to ripple through the publishing world or make money. Of course, one of my goals is to get it right and to have it be the best it can be. (Yes, I hear all you writers out there saying that you have to know when to stop editing, and I hear you, but that’s not what this is – I’m really just not finished creating.)

I believe in other ripples, some as simple as having my friends and family read it for me before I submit for publishing and have it impact their lives in whatever way the Lord intends. Another ripple is the eternal perspective it helps me to keep on life, because of the nature of what I’m writing. It’s also prompted me to study the gospel more deeply than ever before. And it has brought me into relationships with people whom I never would have met had I not decided to become a writer. Ripples have even come from the things I’ve done while the writing was on pause. I’m okay with that.

So I will keep trying to live my life – Keeping Christ at the center as much as I can, remembering my family and my own spirituality and teaching my children first – and pouring bucket after bucket into my writing, no matter how small each splash may be, having faith that the Lord will take the ripples as far as He needs them to go.