About a week and a half ago, I went to
a very spiritual church meeting Saturday evening, followed by a
Sunday morning service that was also exceptional. Before then, I was
struggling for direction from the Lord in several areas of my life
and when I left the meeting, I felt He had given me quite a few
explicit instructions during the meetings. I went home hopeful and
excited, as well as determined to follow His counsel.
However, emotional anxiety and physical
discomfort proceeded to beat me to a spiritual pulp over the next
several days. Had I been continually watchful, being sure to add
small drops of oil to my lamp each day through prayer and scripture
study, as well as keeping my standards not just high, but holy, I
would have had plenty of strength to endure this time. But for a few
weeks, my efforts had already been slipping. I chose more fun music
than music that invited the Spirit. I read more fun or interesting
things than I did uplifting things. I left the scriptures until very
last, when my energy was spent and my mind could barely focus. I let
important family goals slide. So I was already spiritually
dehydrated. Yet when I came home from the meetings with a list of
specific suggestions from the Lord that I knew would help me so much,
I felt I had drunk deeply of living waters and would be just fine.
How quickly Satan can do his miserable
work.
I can scarcely believe it was little
more than a few days since those meetings until I was completely,
wholeheartedly distracted from every single prompting the Lord had
given me. Instead of virtue, selfishness and fear garnished my
thoughts. I lost all focus on staying calm and parenting the right
way. Old issues that I thought were long gone from me reared their
ugly heads again because I was not careful to communicate with my
husband and children using my new skills.
I can almost picture the servants of
Lucifer, lying in wait for us to be at our most vulnerable moments so
they can jump in with their twisted lies and torment us with
discouragement, fear and doubt.
Once I entertained their wicked
suggestions just a little, it became harder and harder to resist
them, and soon I was almost consumed spiritually with worry and even
anger at times. During this dark time, one bright moment came. I was
driving and out of desperation, started to sing “I Know that My
Redeemer Lives.” Suddenly I was overwhelmed with a piercing feeling
of peace and warmth, letting me know that everything was going to be
okay. I was so grateful. I just wish I would have clung to it more
closely and trusted it for the remainder of the week. Even with that
moment of comfort, I failed to fight off the downward spiral in which
I was caught. By Saturday morning, I was a weeping mess.
Now many of you reading are thinking,
good grief, what happened? This is most definitely not normal for me.
(Well, okay, I have my ups and downs, as you know, but not quite like
this). I am pregnant. I have miscarried twice and have two children.
I was simply scared out of my mind that the moment would come when I
would have to suffer loss again. And, of course, extremely hormonal.
It's kind of sobering to see how far I
can regress in my behaviors when I am experiencing emotional or
physical pain. It makes me wonder how far I really am in my progress
of becoming who the Lord would have me to be. As always, his grace is
there to save me, after all I can do. That night, all I could do was
sing a hymn. He made up the difference and reached down very far from
heaven to find me.
Another Sunday came and I found my
heart softening. I found faith rising again and I was strengthened by
my church family. I was humbled as I recognized how far I'd slipped.
I emerged from Sunday bolstered with a more positive attitude and a
renewed determination to do my best.
Satan followed me to the doctor's
office Monday. I was trying to distract myself from the fear and
discouragement he was inspiring. I felt surrounded by his dark filth.
Finally, the bright moment came. The little peanut on the screen with
the heart beating strong was bigger than expected. I was even further
along than I thought. Relief and gratitude swept over me. A sense
that angels are watching from the other side of the Veil came to me
as I realized that my due date could very well be Grandpa Mike's
birthday. Satan had no more power over me. I was elated with the news
and drove home with visions of telling my family the good news and
seeing the light in their faces as we rejoiced together. I was
hopeful that the moment of unity would bring healing to us all.
The scripture is true that says, “ye
must watch and pray always, lest ye enter into temptation; for Satan
desireth to have you, that he may sift you as wheat” (3 Ne. 18:18).
See also Luke 22:31.
Yet I must not allow fear to overcome
me. I know the Adversary is there, but the Lord has promised, “I
will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your
left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round
about you, to bear you up” (D&C 84:88). I thank Him for His
blessings and grace, and know that I could never have true, deep,
lasting joy and peace without Him. “God be thanked for the
matchless gift of His divine Son” (The Living Christ).
