Accepting Life's No Answers

Lately, our daily devotionals have centered around gratitude, in honor of Thanksgiving Day. We have talked about being happy to receive something versus being grateful to receive something. The first is more self-centered and the second is more other-centered.

In the midst of all this teaching on gratitude, another lesson came to us through a sweet and simple book called, “Porter Earns a Quarter.” In it, four-year-old Porter repeatedly whines when he is given a “no answer,” which he is supposed to accept calmly. In our family study of the Four Basic Skills of Self-Government, we have learned that Accepting No Answers or Criticism is one of those basic skills that is necessary to our own happiness in life. In this children's book, Porter earns a quarter for helping his Grandpa build a doghouse, but then the quarter falls out of a hole in his pocket and sadly, is lost. Porter grumps and whines and cries about his loss. He calls Grandpa, who teaches him that he needs to learn the skill of accepting it when life gives him a “no answer.” He says that when something happens that you don't prefer, it's like getting a no answer.  

Up until reading this book, I had thought of no answers as those times when Mom or Dad has to say “No” to their child in response to the plethora of requests that come from children every day. As I read this and considered its application in my own life, it was as though I could feel the pathways in my brain remaking themselves. My paradigm shifted and I felt it spiritually and temporally. I began to re-frame everything in my life. What about all the times life had given me something I didn't prefer and rather than humbly, calmly accept it, I pouted and complained, whined and stressed and used it as an excuse for destructive or addictive behaviors and attitudes?

After this, my daughter and I had another one of our confrontations where I attempted to do my best at disciplining her appropriately and explaining once again why I wanted her to learn the skill of accepting no answers. With this new understanding now in my mind, I wanted to explain to her how accepting no answers could really lead to living a happier life with more room for gratitude. As I often do, I began to use myself and my husband as examples. I wanted to demonstrate how not being very good at accepting life's no answers was one of the primary reasons we were unhappy in life sometimes.

Caught up in the zeal of explaining, I asked a question and once it was out of my mouth, it was like a ticking time bomb. But I already knew what her answer would be. I had known it for months, if not years.

“Do you think Mommy and Daddy are happy most of the time or unhappy most of the time?”

Tick-tick-tick. I could feel my heart beating. I was curious to hear what she would say, yet her answer had already haunted my parenting nightmares.

“Unhappy.”

Well, unfortunately, by her own perspective, she was right. She can't see all the prayers I have at night, where the Lord puts peace in my heart again. She can't feel the peace in my heart all those times I was not smiling, but just doing the housework with a straight face. Just her perspective, right? Even so, I had to ask myself whether her answer was really true.

After relating this experience to my husband, I witnessed an amazing change come over him. After hearing that his daughter saw him that way, he dedicated himself to making sure his family knows he is happy when he is home. The most amazing part is that in doing so, he has actually felt happier, too. In fact, he is choosing to be happier and it is contagious and infecting us all! We've laughed and played more, joked more, and just enjoyed being together more. After four days of this, my daughter said to me, “I'm starting to like Daddy a lot more.” We laughed and I told her she should tell him that when he got home from work. She did and he told her he was glad and that he was trying to be a better Dad.

This story gets even longer, but this is my life. With the coming of the first Thanksgiving Day without Grandpa, I have been thinking of him a lot lately. I have been missing him dearly. Some of those feelings I never thought I would feel have been rearing their ugly heads – anger, bleak sorrow, and wondering why it all had to happen this way. Feelings like that come from not accepting the ultimate “no answer” that was his death. They leave little room for gratitude.

Wanting to soothe myself, I went onto the memorial website we made in honor of Dad. I read the stories that are posted there in his own words. One of those stories is Muffin theAristocrat, a story about a sweet little baby bird that he rescued and kept as a family pet until six weeks later when its life was suddenly ended. Dad's moral to the story was that we all should make the most of our time together, for it seems that time is always too short. He said, “His spirit also taught us to notice and learn to love the small and simple things in life, thus slowing the fast pace of life and the steady march of time.” He noted that “Perhaps the secret to immortality lies in the close association we share with our Creator, having the effect of bringing time to a happy and blissful standstill.”

When I read that, I thought of how my husband's happy actions had caused our family to experience that very thing of bringing time to a standstill and helping us notice the beauty in life and one another and feel grateful for it.

As I have pondered over what I might do to help the family honor Dad's memory this Thanksgiving, I have fretted over making a scrapbook, gathering photos and thoughts to assemble together, and other ideas that just seem to fall flat. When I read Dad's story, I realized that this is how we can honor him.

We can actually make the most of the time we have together with friends and family. We do this precisely by not dwelling on our sorrow that he is gone. He is, in fact, right around the corner. If he peeks in on us, I want him to see us smiling and joyful, making the most of our time together, having learned an important life lesson in honor of him, and being grateful for it.

How do I Fix This? I don't.

Friday was one of those almost perfect days.

Thursday was its absolute opposite. The Lord always tries to teach me a lesson with my hardship. He has set in place governing principles in this earth life such that no matter what I try, I cannot fully succeed in life without humbly seeking His divine help. He is so much wiser than me. You'd think I would have learned that by now.

Thursday, I was at my breaking point. Both kids were sick, with different illnesses. James was especially clingy all week. He had a stomach virus. Jesstyn became more cranky and testy by the day, with all the turmoil bothering everyone over James' state of being. This was not the only contribution however. Of course, my moods were hormonal - what a coincidence. I was not sleeping enough, exercising enough, or eating enough veggies. I was loose with my parenting and household running and trying to tackle what I thought was a really great curriculum plan for this week (one I stayed up Sunday night planning). As the sickness came, though, most of our plans were shot out of the water. I still pressed forward with trying to accomplish as much as I'd planned. I canceled outings, but went on with our home plan, not thinking the kids were sick enough to justify undoing school for the week.

As the week wore on, it became apparent that our school routine does not have enough of the right kind of structure. James has been unsatisfied and probably feeling neglected at times while I worked with Jesstyn and tried to keep him occupied.

I studied up on the recommendations from Rachel DeMille (Thomas Jefferson Education) and determined to move the TV out of the upstairs family room. All day Thursday, I wished for the TV to be gone, but did not want to try to lift it on my own. I was a wreck, emotionally fed up with the kids, my own parenting, or lack thereof, and frustrated with being cooped up all week and unable to go anywhere.

Thursday, I was at this breaking point and Jesstyn and I were having this confrontation during which I was struggling for the right words, but my tone was coming across disrespectfully. I was anything but calm. Finally, I said something like, “I know I haven't been a very good Mom today...” Jesstyn nodded in exasperation. Then with a shaky voice, she said, “I just want you to be a good mom. I don't want to have to wait. Can't you just … ?”

For a moment I was stunned. Then I began to weep as my daughter's words threw me full force out of the situation and cleared my head long enough for me to see a glimpse of how inappropriately I had been treating my children that day. Not that I was cold-hearted and callous, but I was fatally inconsistent with my discipline and expectations. The anger coming through my tone made it all worse. Anxiety had built up in my children and I was its source. Simply not knowing exactly what was expected from her in school and in our home, and then on top of that, having a whiny, inconsolable James running around making everything harder, was just too much for her. She was pressing the limits, trying to figure me out. (Actually James was perfectly consolable if I just stopped trying to poorly carry out my agenda and let him snuggle with me all day.) What a bad mothering moment.

I felt a small portion of what Moses felt after he saw a vision of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and all their creations, and coming back to himself, said, “Now … I know that man is nothing, which thing I never had supposed” (Moses 1:10).

So I wept and I told my daughter I was sorry. Then that sweet moment came when I saw that I had the opportunity to bear my testimony to my daughter about exactly why I was grateful that the Savior suffered and died for me, so that I could repent and become clean of the sins I had committed. Not only that, but I was extremely grateful for the principles of the gospel. I told her that I had not been exercising, or sleeping enough, praying and reading my scriptures enough, and in so doing had not taken care to obey the Lord's commandments. I was staying up late nightly, reading home school philosophies and recommendations, but I was not putting in enough time praying and studying the scriptures and seeking for divine help. I was only praying enough to check it off my list.

Thursday night, after putting the kids to bed, I knelt in prayer for a very long time. I repented and asked for help. After some time on my knees, I began to experience a feeling of peace enveloping my heart and soul. I felt that sweet comforting feeling that can only be brought by the great Comforter – the Holy Ghost. Then I stood and I went to work. For more than an hour, I rearranged home school supplies and toys, books and furniture. I created a preschool reading corner and job center, moved the TV out of what will now be our school area. All the while, I felt the comfort of the Spirit. Finally, I went to bed with hope. Friday morning, I awoke with fresh ideas pouring into me and wrote out a workable routine for school that would fully include James.

I knelt and thanked my Heavenly Father for his help. Then I stood and with a prayer in my heart that the final missing links would come to me, I gathered my children around me for our most successful home school day ever. Tears of gratitude are in my eyes as I write this. Songs and ideas sprang to my mind spontaneously throughout the day. It was not my putting in the effort that made the difference. It was being inspired by the Holy Spirit about exactly what it was I should put my efforts toward. All along, I'd been asking, “How do I fix this?” and not remembering that I don't.

The kids were feeling mostly better Friday, physically. Their emotional anxiety was virtually gone as well, because I was a confident mother with an inspired plan and the Spirit of God. I remembered what they were expected to do; I gave them consequences when they didn't do it. I was more of a rock for them today. Yesterday, my sandy foundation gave way under the storm. Today, it stood strong, thanks to the Rock of our Redeemer. The best part of all was testifying to Jesstyn that the reason I was a better mom and teacher today was because Jesus Christ helped me to be. I taught her what receiving “personal revelation” means and told her again how grateful I am for my Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost. Without them, I am nothing.

(Another 'best part' was the smile in James' eyes when he said, “This is for me?” when we introduced him to his reading corner.)

Now that was a great mothering moment.

Perfect Love

This morning, I had listened to part of Hour 4 of Nicholeen Peck's Audio Seminar. I went downstairs to work out for the first time in … a while. And before I got very far in, something really hit me. Or perhaps I should say, it lifted me.

I realized that I was experiencing a change of heart. I have always loved my family and many of my actions have been motivated by this love over the years. However, so many of the times I reacted to negative behavior with negative behavior of my own, I was motivated by anger and frustration, not love. Even after I began trying to implement Nicholeen's Self-Government system, I was focused on keeping my voice calm, not keeping the way my heart feels toward my children peaceful and loving.

I would think, “Just stay calm so they won't feel your anger” instead of “Be calm because you love them and you want to help these innocent souls learn how to govern themselves in a Christlike way.”

Yet I could not teach them what I did not know. I could not convey a feeling that I did not feel in that moment.

What lifted me this morning was a feeling of exhilaration and a deep release of anxiety. Finally, I am learning exactly how to love.

I am learning what love in action truly means and I feel this exhilaration that stems from the relief that I feel deep inside my soul that someone has finally shown me HOW to do it. I have been so insecure for years about my parenting and my abilities as a spouse and a friend, even as a Christian.

As I felt this exhilaration wash over me this morning, I realized that this is the relief of anxiety that has been with me since childhood. In fact, it is the very same anxiety that my children have felt because I wasn't showing them HOW to love correctly. They have this deep need to know how. Children want to do what is right, but they just don't know how and they need us to show, explain, and model it for them. As I teach my children this new way, their anxiety has begun to be relieved as well and I know that it will only blossom in the coming months as I get better at teaching them this way.

We lost our course for a while and it was because I wasn't figuring out how to govern myself. My own anger and frustration with their behavior and with my life in general was showing through and I was distracted by home school prep and other things in my life. Now that the distractions are clearing and I have time to focus on my family, I am trying to get it again.

I am now beginning to understand what Nicholeen Peck means when she talks about the “feeling in the home.” Is life in my home generally negative or is it happy and positive, filled with praise and love, and trust that the child will choose to do what is right if it is simply explained to them and they are given consistent consequences in a loving way?

My daughter has struggled for so long with anxiety over having others pay attention to her and being in front of a group of people. Other areas involving courage have also been a struggle – riding a bike, jumping off the diving board. She is beginning to conquer her fears now. It came to me as a piercing arrow of light to my heart one day when I was standing there and the scripture came to my mind: “Perfect love casteth out all fear.” I had taught it to her in terms of Christ's love, letting her know that His love would help her to be courageous. Suddenly it hit me that it was MY love shown to her through all these little interactions we were having each day, that would ultimately “unlock her courage” and cast out her fear.

How is she to feel Christ's love if she cannot feel it through me?

Feed my lambs, the Savior said. Show them His love through your actions. This brings true freedom to the soul. Happiness can blossom. Courage can grow. And that is what it is all about – freedom. Helping the child to feel free and also capable of governing herself because someone showed her how. I will be ever grateful to the Lord for guiding me to the sources that would teach me how and inspire in me a change of heart.

Remembering

So for the past month I have been wanting to blog about all the amazing joys I've experienced since I started home schooling. There have been SO many!! Truly, this is one of the best things I've ever done. I feel more fulfilled than ever, and I am taking great joy in watching my children learn and become great friends. Yet tonight, I was sitting here feeling defeated after one of the more trying days, maybe the most trying, since we began four weeks ago.

I won't bore you with the details of why – mostly, it had to do with waking up tired and attempting to introduce my two year old to Quiet Time in place of his Nap, then realizing (too late) that no one is ready for him to give up his nap, including him, and that I need to just shorten his naps rather than give them up altogether. The mounting frustration dampened my mothering skills. Add the rain and there you have a recipe for a difficult day in home school.

Just recently, I was telling someone that we are given our problems so that we can learn to turn to Jesus Christ to have help in solving, or at least enduring, them. Life has a funny way of testing me on whether or not I follow any of the advice that I dole out.

As I sat here, wondering what went wrong today, I realized that I had not sincerely turned to the Lord for help. Oh, there were a few small prayers throughout the day where I pled for His help and did receive strength to keep going, but they were brief and the results were short-lived before I returned to being put-out that things were not going very well. Had I truly remembered Him, His nature, and thought through how He might handle things, I would have knelt down on my knees and prayed much longer than a brief moment. I would have asked for His forgiveness sooner. I would have asked for more specific guidance and then waited reverently for His Spirit to fill me, and His answer to come. My attitude would have changed because of the power of His Atonement and I would have had a lovely afternoon after a tough morning instead of what I had.

What was I thinking? Well, I guess I wasn't much. I was too tossed about by the events of the day. I did not draw myself away and create a space for prayer and receiving His inspiration. Had I done so, even for fifteen minutes with a sincere heart, I would have seen Him change the tide of the day. I know, because He has done it for me many times before. How could I forget Him? Just two days ago, I partook of the bread and water and renewed my covenant to remember Him.

Tomorrow will be better. I know it.

Major Maintenance

Today I gave Jesstyn her very first Major Maintenance consequence. (She probably should have earned about ten by now, but we were adjusting, so I was allowing a little more time for explanation and warning and pre-teaching.) Anyway, she earned an extra chore and I was waiting for her to come to the table so I could teach her how to dust. She was sitting in the recliner on the other side of the room and after a warning that she would get another extra chore if she did not come to me right now, she began inching her way out of the chair while pouting silently. Finally, she fell to the floor off the chair and said, “I'm too tired to walk!” with an oh-so-sad puppy-dog look. In my mind, I'm thinking, hmm...I probably shouldn't have said “extra chore” I should have upped it to the major maintenance. But I didn't pre-teach. So after this, I smiled (because I was getting ready to say something very scripted but that hadn't been used much yet in our language in the home. It was something we had taught her about more than a week ago, and I was a little nervous in using it myself.)

“It seems to me that you might be out of instructional control. I am going to give you an instruction. If you do not follow that instruction, you will earn a Major Maintenance, which is 30 minutes of work. Your instruction is to come here now so that I can teach you how to dust and you can do the extra chore you earned.”

We looked at each other for a moment. She was still pouting, but I think her lips curved into a small smile for a just a split second. I even said, “That was pretty good, wasn't it? I remembered what to say!” (Or at least it is something like that).

She wasn't going to go along this time. She wanted to test the waters and see if Mommy was still as floppy as I used to be. She says, “But I am too tired to walk. I really am!” (All she had to do was take about 5 steps). [Okay, Nicholeen, don't cringe too badly when you read how I still engaged in a bit of a power struggle throughout this next part].

“That is an excuse.”

“No it's not! I really am!”

“No one is too tired to walk this far.”

“Yes I am!”
“People can do hard things.”

We stare at each other for a moment.

I say, “You are doing this to see if I really will give you a Major Maintenance. Are you trying to see how long I'll wait before I give you the Major Maintenance?”

“No, I'm really too tired to walk.” (Hmph! … folded arms...furrowed eyebrows)

We go back and forth a few more times. [I know, I know! I am transitioning from being almost spineless here, give me a break!]. I think I said something about how she was not disagreeing appropriately.

“Okay, you have just earned a Major Maintenance.”

“What!?”

“I am going to give you another instruction. If you do not follow this instruction, you will also earn a SODA.” (SODAS are written problem solving exercises that teach how to choose the right.)

“But I was coming!” Now she is totally caught off guard and breaks down crying. My sweet sensitive girl feels totally wronged and I feel that I have to explain this “new Mommy” to her.

Through sobs, she says, “But I was going to come.” Her tone completely says, this isn't fair. She is a puddle.

I sit down beside her on the floor (she did come to me), and hold her in my arms. Gently, I say, “Sweetheart, I am trying to teach you how to follow instructions so you will be happy in life. It's one of the things you have to learn so you can be happy.”

She is listening, but this just feels sort of hollow. She still doesn't understand. I am straining my brain to remember the exact language that Nicholeen uses in some her teaching examples in the book about being free versus being in bondage and about the four basic skills. I come up with nothing. I think to myself, “okay, why is following instructions so important?”

Inspiration strikes.

“Let me tell you something about myself. I am 32 years old and I have not learned how to follow instructions as well as I should have yet. Because of that, it is sometimes harder for me to say no to what is wrong and yes to what is right. Like when I am so tired and Satan says, “Just eat some more of those chocolate chips and that will perk you right up and it is such a comfort, it will make you feel better.” Then in my mind, I give myself an instruction. I say, “Tiffany, don't eat those chocolate chips because you know that they will make you cranky and mean to the kids and eating them will just make you want even more sugar. They will make you even more tired after they wear off. They even have milk in them and you are lactose intolerant! Don't do that to yourself.” But because I have not learned how to follow instructions very well, what do you think I do?”

She was captivated by this. Her little wheels were turning inside that brain and I could see lights going on in her eyes as she mulled this over.

“You still eat the chocolate chips.”

“Sometimes I follow my instruction and I don't eat them and I am glad. But too many times, I don't follow the instruction and I follow Satan instead. I eat the chocolate chips and then I am unhappy because of it.”

She nods.

“So that is why I am trying to teach you to follow my instructions. Because if you can learn to follow Mommy and Daddy's instructions quickly, you will know how to follow the Savior's instructions and Heavenly Father's commandments and even the instructions that you give yourself about what to do to make yourself happy. Do you understand?”

She nods. Then, being the practical gal that she is, she pleads, (still weepy) “But I didn't understand that before. So can I just not have the Major Maintenance this time?”

Oh, she is so good.

I said, “Well, I'm not going to just take it away, but how about this? I will let you earn having some of the time taken off if you can show me that you can calmly follow instructions to complete this extra chore and for the first ten minutes of your Major Maintenance. But when this happens again, I am not going to do that, okay?”

She nods and gets up to begin learning how to dust, still weepy. I ask her if she needs a minute to calm down, but she doesn't. Then she actually has a lot of fun spraying the cool furniture polish. She did do very well with all the tasks I gave her and did earn time off of the end of her Major Maintenance.

I am so grateful for this experience. I was truly floundering about how to explain the importance of learning to follow instructions, thinking about how she might have to have a job one day and follow a boss. Ugh. When I just cut to the chase and gave her the true nitty gritty on exactly why I wished I knew how to follow instructions better, she really came to understand our new program so much better. Again, we connected while she was being disciplined for something. It felt good to just be real with her. She deserves to know the why. I don't have to hide behind trying to be the perfect Mom anymore who always has a reason and even if the child doesn't really understand it, they are still expected to obey it. Because we are learning this program together, and we are actually learning the Four Basic Skills together, I have to be vulnerable to her and this strengthens our relationship because she sees that I am trying to change so we can all be happier. I'm not just doing this for selfish reasons. She can feel that I am doing it for her happiness, too.

I also have to report that since we decided to have earning extra chores as a consequence for bad behavior, we were led straight into defining more clearly what her regular chores were. Once I talked with her about what her regular chores were going to be, she took off with them. This morning, when I told her to get in the bath tub before her cousins got here, she said, “But Mom, remember how I am supposed to empty the dishwasher and trashcans? I gotta do that first.” I was like, Wow. You go girl. And she did. Awesome.

Read more about this awesome Family Government System at www.teachingselfgovernment.com. The Four Basic Skills are: 1) Following Instructions. 2) Accepting a No Answer 3) Accepting a Consequence and 4) Disagreeing Appropriately. Staying calm while doing all of these things is essential. Once an extra chore has been earned, if the child continues to be “out of instructional control” then they earn more consequences on top of that: a Major Maintenance, a SODA, and finally, 24 hours of no privileges (which means nothing but work and SODAS for 24 hours).

An Afternoon Adjusting to the Peck Principles

We finally get home from our errands of the day. Jesstyn had earned 2 chores earlier in the day and she starts doing the first one just fine – wiping the kitchen floor. She wipes most of the floor with some spray and a sponge, focusing on big, obvious spots. Thinking she was finished, she leaves the job to go do something else. On her way, I say, “Wait a minute, remember what to do!”

She twirls on the stairs and flops down on them, (I'm still in the kitchen) and says, “What else do I do?”

“Come in here so we can talk about what we see.” (I see large sections of the floor that were overlooked).

“I am listening right here,” she says, apparently too lazy to get up and come back into the room.

“I know, but I want you to come in here so we can look at this together and talk about it.”

“Why do I have to come in there?”

“Because I want you to be able to see what I am talking about, so please come in.”

“Why can't I just stay here because - ”

“Sweetheart,” (I was doing really well at keeping calm this time. Calm leads to more calm, right?)

“I told you my answer: that I want you to see what I see. Now please come in here.”

“You interrupted me!”

“That's because -”

“I wasn't finished speaking!” (By now she had actually migrated into the kitchen).

“Okay, fine. I'm sorry I interrupted you. What did you want to say?”

“Well,” (she looks around for a second) “I would know what you were talking about even if I was still on the stairs.”

“Okay, but you are arguing. This is the type of thing that is going to earn you a major maintenance.” Still calm. Doing very well. No attitude in Mom. I continued to explain her behavior a little more clearly. “Do you understand?” (Meanwhile, the toddler's glue project is going awry and I have to pause my conversation with her to teach him how to properly use a glue stick without pushing all the glue up to the top. He resists and I tell him I will take it away unless he uses it appropriately. Mercifully, he agrees and starts gluing again).

She nods in response to my question.

“So I'm not going to give you the major maintenance this time because we're still learning about this. But I want you to understand that this type of interchange between us where I ask you several times and you do not drop the subject and accept my answer and obey, is what will earn you a major maintenance. Okay?”

“Yes! I understand! You don't have to tell me again!” (with attitude).

“You are not being calm right now. The way you just said that was disrespectful, okay? That earns you an extra chore, too.”

She sort of looked to the side and seemed to take a moment to register that. (I seriously don't think she always realizes the attitude in her voice as inappropriate – she was so immersed in it with her friends in public school that it's just there. [Note: Since I last wrote this sentence, I read Nicholeen's advice about making sure your tolerances are low instead of high. Now I see that my daughter speaks this way, not only because of outside influences, but because I have tolerated it for years without realizing it.] Of course, yesterday, after reprimanding her for wagging her head at me and putting her hand on her hip while speaking to me with raised eyebrows, etc, I caught myself doing the very same thing back to her later in the day. I said, “There I just did it to you, didn't I?” We just smiled, then laughed, and I said, “We're all working on this, aren't we?” She said, “Yep.”)

Anyway, back to the story.

“So are you ready to talk to me about this last job of wiping the floor?”

She nodded.

We go over checking for missed spots, redoing them, cleaning the sponge, closing the bottle sprayer and putting the bottle away. She does all of these very cooperatively, almost showing off how well she can do this “following instructions” thing.

I praise her and thank her. I tell her she did these so well that I'm going to take away the chore she just earned. But she still has the second one from earlier, so we have to do that and I'm going to have her wipe the bathroom mirror.

Instead of just setting it all up for her, I remember what I read recently about working with your children and taking the time to teach them how to do jobs correctly, etc. So I waited for her follow me in and asked her questions and helped her think through properly removing toothbrushes from the counter before spraying, etc and we go through this process. I leave to help the toddler with gluing again and she comes into the kitchen and sits down to glue with us a few minutes later.

I say, “What's the last step of following instructions?”

After a second, she says, “Report back!” proud of herself for remembering.

“Yes, so...?”

“I did it!”

“Okay, let's go check it.”

“I want to glue. You can check it.”

“No, I want you to come in here so you can see what I see and we can talk about it.” (she caught the same language from our earlier confrontation). I was in the bathroom at this point.

She says, “Coming!” and runs right down the hall to join me.

I look her in the eye and say with a big smile, “Thank you for coming in here when I asked you to. It makes me feel really connected to you right now.” She smiles proudly and I give her side arm hug and we look at the mirror. I continue to teach her about properly cleaning a mirror. There were streaks and missed spots. We talked about them and she made suggestions and I guided her along.

I was a happy teacher and she was a happy student. We were connecting, while she was being “disciplined” for something! We were connecting during the administration of a consequence.

It's not that I have never connected with her before while teaching how to do a chore. But this time, it was a result of our family system of teaching self-government and she was contributing instead of arguing or sulking. It was amazingly fulfilling as a parent. I felt so good!

I have been so inspired by Nicholeen Peck's program for Teaching Self-Government to families. I hope my readers will visit her blog at www.teachingselfgovernment.com. Ever since I learned of her, I just want to shout her message to everyone! She truly is bringing freedom to families.

Elected Governor (of Myself)

Elected Governor (Of Myself)

In May, Heath and I attended four classes by Nicholeen Peck, author of “Parenting a House United.” As I sat in her class, listening to her speak about the “Power of Calm” and the “Four Basic Skills” that everyone must have in order to properly govern themselves, I could feel that this was one of those life-changing moments. The scriptures speak of how a seed is planted in our hearts and we can know that is it a good seed by how it grows and sprouts. You know something is a good seed by how it “hath swelled your souls...that your understanding doth begin to be enlightened, and your mind doth begin to expand” (Alma 32:34).

This is what I have felt. The seeds of new perspective that Nicholeen planted in my heart have continued to grow in the weeks since then as my husband and I have stumbled our way along, trying our best to implement the principles we learned. Even with our inadequate attempts to follow our notes and change into parents who calmly hold our kids accountable when they show disrespect or disobedience the first time (instead of waiting until the third, fourth, or fifth time), our relationships with each other and our children are already stronger.

The first couple of days after we explained the new program to our daughter, we had several interchanges that went something like this:

#1:

Mom gives an instruction to daughter.

Daughter remains silent and continues her activity.

Mom realizes (later than I should have) that daughter still has not performed the instruction she gave her. Then I remember that she was also supposed to look at me and say okay. Oh, so that means I need to stand near her from the time I give her the instruction until the time I see her get up and go to do it.

Ok. Do-over.

Mom gives the same instruction to daughter and this time, says, “Okay?” and waits for an answer.

Daughter remembers that she is supposed to be saying “Okay” now. So she does.

“Okay, mom.”

Then she keeps playing. Mom comes over and looks at her with a smile and a raised eyebrow, and says, “Okaaaay.”

Daughter gets up to do the instruction. She forgets to report back. Mom forgets that she's supposed to.

#2

Dad sees daughter breaking a rule or being disrespectful.

“Go to Time Out.”

Mom says, “She doesn't go to Time Out anymore.”

“Oh, okay, well, then you get an extra chore.”

Dad looks at Mom. “What can she do?”

#3

Dad sees daughter breaking a rule and gives her an extra chore.

Daughter continues to delay obedience.

Dad looks at Mom and says, “Okay, what's after that?”

Mom says, “I don't know, I have to get my notes... Oh yeah, major maintenance.”

#4

Dad yells at two year old.

Mom looks at Dad and says with a smile, “Are you calm?”

Dad follows the crying two year old (who left the room) and apologizes. He then explains why he should not have done what he did, teaches him the right way and plays with him to reconnect.

Mom gets tears in her eyes and thanks the Lord (again) for Nicholeen Peck.

Several days and a few Family Night Lessons about our new methods later, our daughter has caught on to the “How to Disagree Appropriately” skill that we have been teaching her. She uses it almost every time we ask her to do something. We're still having trouble remembering the part where she is supposed to drop the subject.

I still seem to have the hardest time just calling her out on her inappropriate behavior! I give her the extra chore and then ten minutes later I am giving her an extra chore again and arguing about it a little and then she finally does the extra chore.

Yet I am still trying to wrap my mind around stepping up my parenting role and truly becoming a person who expects to be respected.

Being a proactive parent who expects to be respected is actually kind of hard work! I can't be lazy! I can't just do what is easy anymore! I can't just keep delaying the confrontations that have to happen because I hate confrontation. I am realizing now how my daughter was putting up the power struggles since birth and because I have had serious self-doubts and lack of confidence in my parenting skills, and because of a lack of my own self-respect, I have been letting her win too often because it is easier than calling her out on it and confronting her behavior with expectations and consequences.

This parenting program is making me realize so much about myself! There has been some weakness deep inside my heart. Perhaps it was a fear that I would do something wrong. Or a fear that I would hurt someone else or damage them somehow if I hurt their feelings or confronted them. Or maybe I was scared of hurting the relationship and losing the closeness with my daughter that I thrived on emotionally. I couldn't bear to hurt her or make her cry because then I might lose one of the sources of love in my life. One of the sources that makes me feel validated, needed, and unconditionally loved.

But what I didn't realize was that some of my behavior toward her, ever since babyhood, was feeding into an unhealthy set of manipulative behaviors, both on my part and on her part. It was also feeding a lifestyle of passivity. (I would tell her to do something, she would say, “no, I want to...” and then proceed to do what she wanted. I would try to talk her into doing what I wanted, using every form of bribery and manipulation to get her to change her desire into my desire when what I should have been doing was teaching her to obey my instruction, and giving her consequences (calmly!) every time she didn't.) The times when she just wouldn't change her desire into mine, I caved and let her do it her way first and then tried again to convince her to do what I needed her to do. That's what I mean by passive. It was easier for me to do that than to face the battle of a power struggle and have to give her consequences and watch her suffer them.

Then there were the times when I did take up the battle and faced the power struggle. (“You have to pick your battles” was something I always used to say.) I would get angry and cop attitude. My tone was threatening and annoyed. Behind my voice was “what's wrong with you that you won't give in to me?” I was reacting. I was not calm. I did not think loving thoughts about my child in those moments. I was insecure.

Now I realize that a tendency to just react to something is actually a lack of self-government. Governing myself wisely means that I calmly accept that something inappropriate just happened. Then I calmly and lovingly describe what just happened to that child (ie call them out on it) and teach them what would have been the appropriate way to handle it. I give consequences (which I proactively set up before this incident happened).

As we have taken the time to discuss these principles with our daughter, who is almost 7, she has responded very well. I tell her that we are learning how to be better parents. She is grateful for our efforts to do so. Deep inside her spirit somewhere, she senses that things haven't been quite right and that she isn't quite learning what she needs to learn in order to govern herself. As we've implemented these principles, even though at times she is doing things she doesn't want to do, she glows when she reports back and says that she's completed a task. She chooses to behave well at times because she is motivated to avoid the consequences, but she doesn't behave well with resentment in her heart toward us for “forcing” her. She behaves well because she can see the right choice more clearly now. It's like her little spirit is just soaking up the responsibility and saying “Thank you for trusting me that I can do these hard things. Thank you for helping me grow and learn how to choose them. Look what I can do!”

I think she used to have this sense of being controlled. Now that she is realizing that she is in fact in control of her own life, and the choices she makes really do have meaningful consequences, both good and bad, (and they actually match the behavior – meaning she doesn't get a good consequence for doing something bad) – she is relieved. She says we are better parents already, even though we are still getting the hang of everything. We are able to stay connected and she still feels loved when she is disciplined! This is truly the clearest, most sensible and Christ-centered parenting program I have ever seen. Thank you, Nicholeen Peck!

You can visit Nicholeen's blog at www.teachingselfgovernment.com and buy her book “Parenting a House United.” She also has several video interviews and audio clips available on her blog.

Enabling Power of Christ

For a long time now, I have been striving for spiritual growth by focusing on listening to the Spirit. However, this morning, I read an article by Elder David A. Bednar called “The Atonement and the Journey of Mortality.” As I read, my eyes began to be opened to a significant part of the gospel that I have been overlooking too often. I know the power that Jesus Christ has to cleanse me from sin, but what about the power He has to change me, to strengthen me, and to enable me to do much more than I am capable of on my own? I have experienced this second kind of power; I know it is real, but I am coming to understand that this power can literally carry me through every hour of the day when I call on Him. I am reminded of Laurel Christenson's admonishment in her talk at Time Out for Women to “pray with faith, live with faith, and think with faith.” She said we would do well to start living with the expectation that things will actually turn out the way we want them to. What a positive change that would bring to my daily struggles! Of course, for the times when the Lord does not see fit to bless us with what we have desired, he can strengthen us to bear up underneath the burdens that are laid upon us through trials and suffering. Even so, are there times when I have fallen short of the faith that could have brought me miracles and deliverance, had I been insightful enough to ask for the strength to overcome them? Elder Bednar recounts numerous times in the scriptures when men of great faith prayed specifically to have the strength to be able to change their circumstances. He notes that they did not pray to have their circumstances changed. They prayed to have the strength and wisdom and power to act, even unto deliverance. Nephi prayed for the strength to break the cords with which his brothers had bound him. Elder Bednar says, “I do not think the bands with which Nephi was bound just magically fell from his hands and wrists. Rather, I suspect he was blessed with both persistence and personal strength beyond his natural capacity, that he then, “in the strength of the Lord,” worked and twisted and tugged on the cords, and ultimately and literally was enabled to break the bands.” Sometimes I feel as though I have been working and twisting and tugging and just...failing. Yet over and over again, I have asked the Lord what task I am to eliminate from my busy life and over and over again, he says, “You can do all that I have commanded you to do.” Yet as I plan and work and do, still at times, things do not fall together as it seems they should. Elder Bednar said, “Individual willpower, personal determination and motivation, effective planning and goal setting are necessary but ultimately insufficient for us to triumphantly complete this mortal journey. Truly, we must come to rely upon “the merits, and mercy, and grace of the Holy Messiah” (2 Nephi 2:8). Elder Bednar also recounts the story of some Mormon pioneers who had nothing left to eat but the raw hides of starved cattle. They tried eating it, but it made everyone sick. Still, they prayed for a solution and one young man, Daniel W. Jones, was inspired with instruction from the Lord on how to cook it so that it would be edible and not make everyone sick. He followed the Lord's instruction carefully, later recording that, “We asked the Lord to bless our stomachs and adapt them to this food...On eating now all seemed to relish the feast.” They ate this for six weeks thereafter, enjoyably! This story brought to memory a comment made by Elder Hinds, a missionary from my church. He said that our bodies are not our own. They are tools given to us by the Lord. How often have I felt as though my spirit was a slave to this mortal body? Subject to its whims of desires, appetites, and fatigue? Have I ever prayed for the Lord to adapt my body so that I can better use it as a tool for serving the Lord on this earth? What great faith! I am excited to go forward with this new understanding and make sure that I make time daily (and at times even hourly!) to pray with faith for the enabling and strengthening power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

Mike Campbell's Memorial Service

For those of you who may not know me, I am Mike Campbell's daughter-in-law, Tiffany Campbell. I married his second son, Heath. Although he is my father-in-law, ever since we were married, I have called him Dad. He is like a second father to me and I am ever grateful for the welcoming arms of acceptance that he held out to me. I am sure that many of you felt that same positive attitude of acceptance and understanding from him as well.

Near the end of his life, Dad was at peace and fully accepted the Lord's will that it was his time to die. He calmly reassured each of us that all would be well and that he had important work to do for the Lord on the other side. He ministered to his family, giving Father's blessings and spiritual counsel to each of us until the very end. One of the things he repeated frequently to us was the counsel to be sure that our children knew we loved them each and every day. As the end drew ever nearer, all his earthly cares melted away and his concerns were for the relationships that mattered. One of the last clearly audible things he spoke out loud was “I love my family so much.”

President George Albert Smith said, “The treasures that we will find when we go to the other side will be those that we have laid up there by ministering to our Father’s other sons and daughters with whom we have associated here. ... during our stay here we will be happier serving our fellow[man] than we could possibly be in any other way.” I've had so many people come up to me and say what a good friend Mike was, and what a good man. Truly, he was happiest when he was in the service of others and he has laid up many treasures in heaven.

Many of you may know he is a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, but perhaps you are not familiar with what exactly he believes. I'd like to share with you some of the core beliefs of our faith. I think it will bring Dad great joy to know that many of those whom he loves and has special relationships with, both in and out of the family, will hear these things on this day when we honor and celebrate his life.

Some people go through this life wondering if there is a God. They wonder why they are here and where they came from. They wonder where they are going after they die, or if there is anything at all after this life.

I am here to testify to you tonight, as boldly as I believe my father-in-law would have me to testify, that there is a God, and that God would have us call him “Father.” He loves each and every one of His children and is mindful of every triumph and trial. Indeed, we lived with our Heavenly Father as literal spirit sons and daughters before we came to live on this earth. We came from a heavenly home and it is to that heavenly home that our Father wishes us to return to live with Him one day. Our existence is eternal. This mortal life, though very crucial, is but one small part of the eternal life span that is truly ours.

We came to this earth with a purpose. We knew that living a mortal life would give us experiences to help us grow and become more like Him. We knew there were risks in coming here, that all would have their freedom to choose between good and evil and we knew that some would choose evil, and we might suffer as a result of the choices others made. We knew that we might have to say good-bye to loved ones early. Nevertheless, we shouted for joy when the time came for us to be born, for we knew that coming here would lead to our progression toward eternal happiness. We knew this life would test our faith, but we came ready and willing to face that test. We came, excited at the prospect of being the son or daughter of earthly parents, and then growing up to establish our own family. Our Heavenly Father has said, “This is my work and my glory, to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man” and I testify to you that He wants you to receive eternal life with Him.
Part of accomplishing that work required that he send a Savior to die for us. Jesus suffered so that we could be cleansed of our sins if we repent. Not only that, but because of his Atoning Sacrifice, we can be healed of any pain that has ever been caused in our lives, even those caused by the sins of others. Because of Jesus Christ, we can feel joy again even after we have suffered greatly.

I am going to try to follow some of Dad's advice today when he told me to seek after simple wisdom. One of the simplest ways of teaching what we believe about eternity is through a children's song called “I lived in Heaven.”

I lived in heaven a long time ago, It is true.
Lived there and loved there with people I know, So did you.
Then Heavenly Father presented a beautiful plan,
All about earth and eternal salvation for man.

Father said he needed someone who had enough love
To give his life so we all could return there above.
There was another who sought for the honor divine.
Jesus said, “Father, send me, and the glory be thine.”

Jesus was chosen, and as the Messiah he came,
Conquering evil and death through his glorious name,
Giving us hope of a wonderful life yet to be—
Home in that heaven where Father is waiting for me.

It is because he knew these simple yet profound truths about the eternal nature of our existence and our relationships that Dad was able to feel such peace and joy at the end of his mortal life. He knew that this ending was yet another beginning, and that one day, we will each be resurrected and receive a body that is perfect and glorified. Like Dad, I did not grow up as a member of this church. Shortly after I met my husband, a dear friend of mine died suddenly in a car accident. I was devastated and utterly distressed. I daresay I was approaching a state of anger toward God. How could he allow this to happen?

Yet when I presented my concerns to the young man who would become my husband, I was at first surprised and then calmly soothed by his peaceful attitude toward death. He said to me that surely there must have been a purpose in the Lord's taking him so early from this earthly life. Perhaps he had a specific mission to fulfill on the other side of the Veil, or perhaps he was needed by someone there who had missed him dearly.

Now, fifteen years after that experience, I am again impressed with the way the Campbell family handles death. Especially with the way Dad handled it. Our hearts drew a measure of peace from the tranquility we saw in his own eyes each day.

The overriding message of my talk today is of the peace and joy that the gospel brings. I cannot speak of this without speaking of the family. Many people take notice of how much our church focuses on the family. Living prophets on the earth today have declared that “Family is central to the Creator's plan for the eternal destiny of his children. …In the premortal realm, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshiped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize their divine destiny as heirs of eternal life. The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave.”

That means that our eternal destiny is meant to include our family. We may say that we have “lost” a loved one, but the reality is that they are not lost from us at all. We often say that someone who has died “looks down upon us from heaven,” but the reality is that they do much more than simply watch us. I believe that very often, thoughts of what we should do, and feelings of encouragement and strength, come to us as a result of the efforts and whisperings, even the very close presence of those we love, or who love us, who have gone on before us in death. They serve as instruments in the hands of the Lord from the other side of the Veil just as much as we can here on this side, if not more. Perhaps helping us here is part of the very work for which Dad was needed on the other side.

Spencer W. Kimball said, “If we live in such a way that the considerations of eternity press upon us, we will make better decisions.” The fact that Dad died so much earlier than any of us would have ever expected has most definitely turned our hearts toward him and toward the relationships of family. This is what matters in eternity. I know that Mike Campbell would have us all remember that what matters most is the way we treat others and that this life is meant to be filled with the joy that comes from accepting and serving others, the joy that comes from knowing and loving and just enjoying those simple, special moments with our family. He would have us remember that life can be calmed by the matchless peace that comes through the power that Jesus Christ has to change our hearts. It is because of His Atoning Sacrifice that we can live now with true joy and peace, even in the midst of what may seem like a tragedy. The Lord sees all. He knows all. We can trust His vision for our lives. 2 Nephi 2:25, a scripture from the Book of Mormon says, “Adam fell that man might be and men are that they might have joy.” Dad and Mom believe that, and even as he suffered through his cancer, they took note of the many tender mercies of the Lord as He watched over them and offered them comfort along the way.

When speaking at the funeral of a dear friend, President George Albert Smith said,
“To know that life is eternal is a wonderful blessing,—to know that throughout eternity the blessings that this good man has lived for will be his. ...He has laid the foundation deep and secure upon which he has built and will continue to build throughout eternity. The joy that he has experienced here upon earth will be added upon. …
When an occasion like this occurs it seems that [our loved ones] are [so] distant, but as a matter of fact they are not, … Instead of extending the condolence that sometimes might go to those who are bereaved, I feel more like rejoicing this day that I know that this is not the end.”

This is not the end of Dad's eternal life. It does not have to be the end of our relationship with him. Families can be together forever. Because of this understanding, Dad was and is at peace. Our Savior, Jesus Christ said, “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” Elder Jeffrey R. Holland recently testified “of the renewing power of God’s love and the miracle of His grace. His concern is for the faith at which you finally arrive, not the hour of the day in which you got there...So if you have made covenants, keep them. If you haven’t made them, make them. If you have made them and broken them, repent and repair them. It is never too late so long as the Master of the vineyard says there is time. Please listen to the prompting of the Holy Spirit telling you right now, this very moment, that you should accept the atoning gift of the Lord Jesus Christ and enjoy the fellowship of His labor.”

On behalf of my father-in-law, I invite each of you to “Come unto [Christ], all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and [He] will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28). In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.”

Relinquishing Control

Earlier this year, I prayed specifically that the Lord would show me what is amiss in me. I prayed that if there was anything I was not seeing, it would be revealed to me.

Through a series of experiences, some of them quite hurtful, and articles (one of which is Beware of Pride by Ezra Taft Benson), the Lord has revealed to me how controlling I am. Whether it's through passive-aggressive behavior or directly interrupting someone else so I could be in control or just resenting others because they won't let me control them or judging them because they don't do things the way I think they should, or hinting ...oh, there are a myriad of ways.

I am seeing many of my past experiences and current ones in a new light. Friendships I lost. Family members who withdrew from me. I've probably even done it a little bit through this blog. (At a Writer's Conference, one of the presenters was talking about how the Lord helped her to realize that had she continued with her own plan rather than discovering His plan for her writing, her readers would have felt judged and condemned. I thought, Wow, I hope I haven't made my readers feel like that! Yikes!)

So I've been trying to analyze this aspect of myself and seek for answers on how exactly I'm supposed to help others if it is not actually my God-given gift to perceive how to fix everyone else's life and advise them on it. Thankfully, the Lord is not silent on this matter. So, what is my gift from God?

Freedom. Agency. Control – over myself.

Just me. That's all. Not anyone else.

He's given that gift to every one of His children. I'm reading a book by Henry Cloud called Boundaries that outlines all kinds of ways that control of the self and the allowing of others to make their own choices is truly the key to much of life's happiness. My eyes are being opened to how, for most of my life, I've blamed problems more on how others need to change than how I need to change. I am starting to see how even the solution to problems other people cause can be sought out by Yours Truly. Not by nagging the other person or offering my unwanted advice, but by changing the way I approach or think about the problem. I am even seeing how problems that I have blamed others for for years are actually problems that I contributed to creating. It is quite humbling. I asked God to speak to me and He's speaking! Loud and clear.

I know I have to let go of my desire to get others to make better choices. I have to embrace the gift God gave to them: their freedom to choose for themselves. He took care of setting up consequences for them. And, as I am learning, in those cases where I need to set a boundary, or a consequence, I have to step up and do that because if I don't then my silence (allowing others to walk all over me) is actually interfering with God's plan that consequences follow choices.

Yet I still desperately want to help others. How can I do that if I can't get them to change? I guess the truth is that most people want to be better than they are. I can let that be between them and the Lord. I need to focus on keeping my own covenants, which include a promise I made at baptism to do my best to obey all of Heavenly Father's commandments. His two greatest are: Love the Lord thy God with all thy might, mind, and strength, and love thy neighbor as thyself. I must relinquish the desire to control others, and instead do whatever I can to love them. People aren't starving for advice. They are starving for love. Isn't it true? I am my best self when I feel the most loved. And I don't really feel all that loved when someone is giving me advice or criticism that I didn't ask for.

But wasn't it because of love in the first place that I wanted to help others change? Well, yes. So I guess the next step here is to learn what kind of help is actually loving and what kind of love is truly helpful. Does anyone have any thoughts? I'd love to see your comments!

Toys and Time

Does anyone else ever just feel like a “stuff manager?” Today was the first chance I had to organize since the annual flood of Christmas (plus one birthday) toys into our home. I threw away broken princess crowns, put all the dress-up stuff in the dress-up bin, and stored away baby toys that my toddler is now past. That last one was the heart-breaker.

As I sorted through toys that both my daughter, who is now 6, and my son, 2, had played with, memories of laughter and giggles came with some toys. Others only brought that surge of mother-guilt that comes to me when I realize I never did even take the time to teach my child how a particular toy worked or the appropriate way to play with it. Like that little plastic butterfly with the tiles in the middle that make noise when you flip them over. I never taught James that you can flip them each over in such a way that they make one bigger picture to look at, like a puzzle.

Some of our large collection of toys comes from the fact that we have a great many extended family members who shower gifts on the children at holiday time. Yet I have to admit that much of it comes from me, their mother, who loves to shower them with gifts as well. Somehow, getting something new to play with just says “I love you” to me. If you've ever read “The Five Love Languages,” you will know what I mean when I say one of my love languages is gifts. It doesn't have to be expensive; it can be as simple as a handwritten note, but the tangible, to me, is a symbol of the love that went into it.

Unfortunately, as the pile of guilt-producing toys grew larger than the memory-producing ones, I realized that a child's central source of joy over a toy is that someone else took the time to join with him as he played with it. What a shame to have a house filled with toys, but very little joys to remember them by. The same thing is true of all relationships, not just those with our children. What good is an Ipod if no one will dance to the music with me?

Tomorrow, I am calling my daughter away from her typical past time (art) to join with me and James in a great big party – complete with the tea set her Great-Grandma Leigh gave her and seats for each stuffed animal.

Hatred: A Heavy Burden

This past Christmas season, my family and I read suggested scriptures from an Advent Calendar. One night, we read this entry: “Jesus came to lift our burdens. One of the heaviest burdens we carry is that of hate. In teaching us to forgive, the Lord set us free.” This season, I came to know just how that true that really is.

Because of some events surrounding Thanksgiving, I had already been reflecting on the many ways I needed to remove the beam from my own eye instead of trying to remove the mote from everyone else's. It seemed that I kept catching myself committing similar sins to those I'd been criticizing in others. They may have been different in the way they manifested, but underneath the surface, they were the same. As I saw this, it became easier to forgive others and my heart began to feel more of this freedom.

However, the feeling was challenged mid-season as I found myself once again facing this burden of hatred in some form. Emotions like resentment, desire for revenge and the fulfillment of angry desires in reaction to being wronged by others swirled around me and at times even entered my own heart. Then I read this entry, along with these scriptures.

Matthew 18:21-22 is the scripture where Jesus says we should forgive those who wrong us repeatedly. Not just seven times, but seventy times seven. As I explained to my daughter that night that the numbers were symbols for an infinity of forgiveness, my heart was pricked and I knew that forgiveness would always be required of me and others no matter how many times we were wronged.

Then I read Matthew 6:14-15, which says, “For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” My own deep need to be forgiven became very real to me again and I began to remember how free it feels to just forgive. I let go and enjoyed the Spirit of Christmas to a greater degree after that.

Yet another time near the end of the season, I felt wronged again. This time it was personal. I was angry. I needed time. I needed to experience all the emotions flowing through me and then, I had to humble myself in prayer. I had to ask the Lord to do what I could not do: help me to love the one whom I felt had wronged me. And as I prayed and wept, thoughts of my own hypocrisy came back to me again along with these words: “[The person who wronged you] is trying the best they can. They have flaws just like you. Their flaws are just different than yours. But in their heart they have no malice toward you. They are doing the best they can.” It seemed as though a window opened in my mind into the life of this person. New understanding came about the way they might see things and I wept all the more as my heart was released from the chains of hatred. I made amends, and after that, it seemed as though I was soaring through my days, free to concern myself with my own dreams, the joys of my family, and when necessary, the beams in my own eye, rather than being weighed down by my hatred of someone else's mote.

I'm so thankful for the way the Lord teaches me when I allow Him to. I'm so thankful for the way He changes my heart when I ask Him to. Truly, God's Son is the greatest gift ever given in all of eternity. What He can do for you and me is simply amazing.