Hatred: A Heavy Burden

This past Christmas season, my family and I read suggested scriptures from an Advent Calendar. One night, we read this entry: “Jesus came to lift our burdens. One of the heaviest burdens we carry is that of hate. In teaching us to forgive, the Lord set us free.” This season, I came to know just how that true that really is.

Because of some events surrounding Thanksgiving, I had already been reflecting on the many ways I needed to remove the beam from my own eye instead of trying to remove the mote from everyone else's. It seemed that I kept catching myself committing similar sins to those I'd been criticizing in others. They may have been different in the way they manifested, but underneath the surface, they were the same. As I saw this, it became easier to forgive others and my heart began to feel more of this freedom.

However, the feeling was challenged mid-season as I found myself once again facing this burden of hatred in some form. Emotions like resentment, desire for revenge and the fulfillment of angry desires in reaction to being wronged by others swirled around me and at times even entered my own heart. Then I read this entry, along with these scriptures.

Matthew 18:21-22 is the scripture where Jesus says we should forgive those who wrong us repeatedly. Not just seven times, but seventy times seven. As I explained to my daughter that night that the numbers were symbols for an infinity of forgiveness, my heart was pricked and I knew that forgiveness would always be required of me and others no matter how many times we were wronged.

Then I read Matthew 6:14-15, which says, “For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” My own deep need to be forgiven became very real to me again and I began to remember how free it feels to just forgive. I let go and enjoyed the Spirit of Christmas to a greater degree after that.

Yet another time near the end of the season, I felt wronged again. This time it was personal. I was angry. I needed time. I needed to experience all the emotions flowing through me and then, I had to humble myself in prayer. I had to ask the Lord to do what I could not do: help me to love the one whom I felt had wronged me. And as I prayed and wept, thoughts of my own hypocrisy came back to me again along with these words: “[The person who wronged you] is trying the best they can. They have flaws just like you. Their flaws are just different than yours. But in their heart they have no malice toward you. They are doing the best they can.” It seemed as though a window opened in my mind into the life of this person. New understanding came about the way they might see things and I wept all the more as my heart was released from the chains of hatred. I made amends, and after that, it seemed as though I was soaring through my days, free to concern myself with my own dreams, the joys of my family, and when necessary, the beams in my own eye, rather than being weighed down by my hatred of someone else's mote.

I'm so thankful for the way the Lord teaches me when I allow Him to. I'm so thankful for the way He changes my heart when I ask Him to. Truly, God's Son is the greatest gift ever given in all of eternity. What He can do for you and me is simply amazing.

The Quiet of a Storm, Part II

Today, I share a personal story that is an example of the Lord's love and wisdom. He has awesome capacity to perform miracles in our lives, even when an unexpected outcome is not what the world would think might be best.

In October, Heath and I found out we were expecting. This was entirely unexpected. What was even more unexpected were the feelings of exhilaration and excitement I had upon finding out. My son was only 21 months old at the time. I had some concerns, and I was still sort of in denial when I went to the doctor at six weeks, but when I saw the tiny heartbeat, I smiled and began to really embrace the idea. Still, I tried to keep myself at least a little detached, waiting for week twelve to get here before I made any announcements or pulled out any maternity clothes. Yet I could not help but begin to feel excited, especially about telling Jesstyn. Sadly, on Saturday, November 12th, I began to bleed. The doctor said to wait until Monday to come in unless the bleeding was really heavy.

I knelt in prayer and poured out my heart, pleading with the Lord to save the pregnancy if that is what would be best for us at this time. Nevertheless, I acknowledged that He can see our lives more clearly than I can and I expressed my willingness to accept any outcome, knowing that He would not give me any trial I could not bear. I closed my prayer and rested for a while.

Though the outcome was still unknown, I think I spent part of Sunday submitting to the belief that I was miscarrying. Though the bleeding had subsided, it did not stop. I came to understand that this would likely be a loss and began preparing myself to have that confirmed on Monday. Although many feelings of sorrow came to me, something else came with them: powerful love and gratitude for my husband and two children. Pure joy and a cherished vision of each of them came to my eyes anew. I knew that the Lord wanted me to carry away these new visions from this experience. So I was really already at peace about it before I heard the news. We scheduled the D&C for Wednesday, Nov 16th. The feelings of joy have continued after the surgery as I cherish the time I have with my children and look forward to playing with them more than I did before. In particular, a much stronger bond has formed between myself and my son, James.

When Jesstyn was born, she was the granting of a very long and drawn out desire to have a child of our very own. We miscarried once before she was conceived. I am seeing now that our two miscarriages are mirror images of one another emotionally. I have often thanked the Lord for the strong bond I formed with my daughter during her first year of life. It was filled with some of the most intensely joyful feelings I have ever felt. Because of the first miscarriage, I deeply desired to enjoy every single moment of mothering my first baby. And I took the time to do it.

When James was born, however, there were many more difficulties associated with his birth and first year that left me feeling emotionally detached from him. I longed for the same feelings of exhilaration that came with baby Jesstyn, but they were only there in fleeting moments. It seemed that I could not relate to this little boy as well, or that I was not capable of devoting as much of myself to him. Now, with the passing of another miscarriage, the Lord has taken my heart and stitched it together with my son's and we are knit together as closely as we ever could have been. My eyes are open wider to see the joy in his eyes as he discovers new things and masters new skills each day.

My husband and I have grown closer through all of this as well. I know that it is not easy to pass through the loss of a child, unborn or not. I know that everyone's experience is different. I do not wish to belittle anyone's sorrow, for I know that there are many experiences much, much worse than mine. I just can't help but share how this experience, for me, has strengthened my faith in the Lord. He does know our needs. He knows what will help us grow. Someone said in church one Sunday that the Lord loves us enough to allow us to hurt so that we can grow and become better from it. I know He knows what is best.

I must say that through all of this, my perspective and pain would have been much worse if I did not have the light of the gospel of Jesus Christ in my heart. My surgery happened on the 14th anniversary of my baptism into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I cannot think that this is mere coincidence. Because of this Church, I know that this life is a test of our faith. I know that the Lord loves me and would not allow me to pass through anything I could not handle, as long as I rely on Him for help. I know that He intends for me to learn from my experiences. I also know that families can be together forever and that our relationships in families will endure beyond this lifetime. I know that there will be opportunity for me to have more children in the future, whether immediate or in eternity. Knowing all this as well as having the Gift of the Holy Ghost to guide me, and being a woman who has made covenants with the Lord, all work together to help me through trials such as these. So I will not allow my loss to place any seeds of doubt about whether or not there is a God or whether or not He cares for me. On the contrary, the blessings that have come to us because of this loss are proof to me that God does exist and that He is very active in our lives in trying to orchestrate experiences that will make not only us, but our families, better and happier.

Lately, it seems as though we, as well as our extended family, have been bombarded with trials all at once. As I've pondered this, I remembered the snowstorm I wrote about two years ago. A weekend that was to be filled with the hectic frenzy of the holidays turned out to be a quiet, cherished weekend enjoying my husband and daughter. Now it seems as though our family has entered a snowstorm of trials and I can't help but wonder whether the Lord is trying to help us to be quiet and still, and know that He is God and there is still much joy to be found in this life.

Time Out for Women

This past weekend I attended my third Time Out for Women Conference, this one in Richmond, Virginia. These conferences are always so uplifting. I always come home with renewed determination to live the gospel of Jesus Christ and feel the joy it brings.

The flavor of this Conference was a little different this time. In the past, I've gone and spent the time mostly being made to feel better about how I was doing. I've thrived on hearing others who relate to me and what I go through as a Christian, a wife, a mother. This time, a few other messages came across, albeit in a very strengthening, empowering way. I came away feeling challenged to do more, to become more.

One message was that, yes, we all have trials, and they keep piling on sometimes. We get to where we think we're in too deep and we cannot handle it any longer. Yet with an eternal perspective, we can see that right in the midst of trials and hardship is where we want to be. That's because the trials put us in a place where we seek to be the closest to the Lord that we have ever been. They make us aware of His tender mercies in our lives. Were the trials not there, we could not see His awesome power in alleviating them or in causing us to feel peace and grow in their midst. We must open our hearts to the great Atoning Sacrifice of the Lord, and allow his power to transform us.

Another message was that Jesus Christ can heal all wounds and bring peace to any soul no matter what has happened to them in the past. An African woman bore solemn witness of how the Savior has healed her and continues to help her feel peace daily as she seeks Him and commits her life to serving Him. She experienced horrific crimes against her in Africa when she was thirteen and she and a group of friends were attacked, and some were terribly mutilated and killed. Somehow she was rescued from death at their hands. She quoted scripture after scripture from memory about how He helps us. She spoke of one of the women who stood with her in the final moments of rescue from their attackers. She kept in touch with this woman over the years. She said when she speaks with her now, her friend says to her that she speaks as if nothing ever happened. That is because the Lord has healed her. She even spoke of forgiving her attackers, and how the Lord forgave those who mocked him, “for they know not what they do.” She talked of being so grateful for the small hygiene kit she'd received from the Church as a refugee and how she was able to share it with twenty-five women who were deeply grateful. Hearing her message was very eye-opening about other parts of the world and how much more difficult the trials of others can be.

After this, I surprisingly met a South African woman who was also attending the Conference. She has been living in the US for 3 years, after 17 years of waiting to get a green card to move here with her family. Her home in South Africa, as everyone's home, was protected from gangs with black bars on every window, alarms on the roof, six foot high walls surrounding it with barbed wire at the top. That is how they live! Schools have to have extreme security there. We have no idea how great we have it in America! Again, my eyes were opened to my extremely blessed situation.

The overriding message was reliance on the Savior. We must truly search the scriptures and pray over them until we are filled with the love of God and His Holy Spirit. That is the only way we can face our trials. We were never meant to face them alone! Life wasn't meant to be easy, but it can be peaceful and joyful. You can find holiness in the midst of chaos. You do it by searching the scriptures, prayerfully asking the Lord specifically for what you need, (not just asking that he bless everyone else), and going all out, leaping with faith toward the goal of becoming the person you were meant to become, and seeking small ways to serve others daily. The Lord has a plan for your life. He knows your struggles. He's allowed them so that they will drive you to seek Him. With every trial, we have another opportunity to choose faith. We have to turn our hearts over to Him completely so that He can transform us into new beings. We often pray to be relieved of stress and trials without realizing that it is our trials that challenge us and change us and ultimately save our eternal lives!

One speaker recounted how his born-again Christian friends would ask him, “Have you been saved by grace?” He would emphatically answer, “Yes! Have you been changed by grace?” We know that the Lord saves us, but what does he save us for? We will not only return to live with our Heavenly Father, but we will feel comfortable living there because we will be like Him. When the Savior performed his first miracle of changing the water into wine, He was announcing in a powerful way that He has the power to change things – even things that seem impossible to change. If you cry out, “This is just who I am, I can't be any better,” then you are denying His power to work in your life.

Practical advice included: Identify the least holy moments in your daily life and try to do something to make them a little more holy and remember the Savior. (Such as piling all the kids in the car – say I love you to each one individually as you buckle them in, or put on some music while doing the dinner clean-up). Also, find friends who go through what you go through and interact with them. Spend half an hour Sunday planning and reflecting on your family's interaction. Frequently get away from it all for 24 hours to just reflect about life and evaluate where you are and where you want to be and what you need.

A few of my favorite quotes were:
“If you can't stand it anymore, kneel!”
“A person who is too busy to pray is busier than the Lord would have him or her to be.”
“LDS stands for Let's Do Something.”
“We become what we want to be by consistently being what we want to become.”
“Tribulation can make you bitter or better.”
“Our relationship with Christ should be like the air we breathe.”
“Don't be the one thing that stands in your way.”
“If it was right when you prayed about it, it's right now.”
“We gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” (Eleanor Roosevelt)

As usual, Time Out for Women was a great experience. I am just as determined as before to do all the Lord has commanded me to do, to become the woman he meant for me to be – but now I remember that I must rely on His power to help me each and every day.

Blessings and Trials

These past few weeks have been challenging to say the least. A few times, I've been so exhausted that I felt as though I might reach my breaking point. I've been going and going and giving and giving. Just doing it. Because it is the right thing to do. This past Sunday, I bore testimony at church about how I am receiving some of my greatest blessings while going through some of the toughest trials I've ever been through. Because so much of my time is devoted to doing what I must to help take care of someone who needs me, what I want has dropped nearly out of the picture. Out of necessity, my daily tasks and desires for accomplishment have been stripped to a bare minimum. I've been forced to prioritize. I've had to go easy on what I expect to accomplish.

Knowing that I could never make it through this without the Lord's help, I have knelt in prayer more frequently than usual. I have tried to make sure I read the scriptures daily, searching them more deeply at times. I know that if I allow this trial to steal away my time with the Lord, then Satan will take advantage of his chance to steal away my peace and undermine my self-control.

Also knowing that I could never make it through this without feeling my family's support and love, I've tried my best to subvert all other tasks to simply spending time with my husband and children in the small moments that I can find it. I'm even making more eye contact with them, seeing them as treasures each time I look. I could not allow this trial to give Satan the opportunity to sabotage my closest relationships toward failure.

All this said, I am not perfect. I could have done better most days. Nor am I anywhere near capable of handling what I've handled in the past few weeks all on my own. Yesterday, I prayed while sitting under a tree in my front yard waiting for my daughter to get off the bus. All afternoon and evening, I was at peace. It was one of those days where I occasionally thought, 'okay, this is getting more stressful, you are not going to be able to handle all of this, you are going to snap.' But even while having these thoughts, I was still at peace. In reality, I came nowhere near breaking down.

It was like I was watching myself in slow motion and wondering, “Wow, how am I doing this?” and “This is incredible.”

Late last evening, it dawned on me that I am not the only one praying for me. I told my husband, “This must be what it feels like to feel the prayers of others.” The tremendous peace I've felt and the sustaining strength that the Lord has given me is in answer to the prayers of many. Thank you to all those who have prayed and will pray for me.

I can't say that a few years ago I would have handled all this as well. In the past, I have allowed Satan to take advantage of stressful times, expecting myself to keep caught up on things, losing sleep, worrying my way through every task and every relationship, snapping at my family because of the stress I'd put myself under, forgetting to pray and sing hymns and study the scriptures and wondering why the Lord wasn't helping me more.

This time, instead of feeling resentful because of how much I've sacrificed, wishing vainly that others would acknowledge my suffering, my eyes have been opened to just how much I am loved. Our family has more unity and feelings of love than it did before. My prayers are more filled with gratitude for the incredible answers to prayers we've received. Gratitude that things are not much, much worse.

How is it that I can receive such blessings in the midst of such trials? I don't think there is any other way that I could receive them. Now I know what James meant when he said, “My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into many afflictions” (James 1:2).

All is Well

I suppose I've been somewhat silent for a time on my blog. I have had many impressions come and go as to things I ought to write about. Teachings of the Savior that I am learning line by line, little by little. I seem to recall praying about a year and a half ago that the Lord would purify me and help me to be truly “born again” into a new person who is very Christlike and not so … like my old self. As I have endured the trials he's sent my way, I have learned many things. Much of that learning has come from reacting the wrong way first – with harsh words or feelings - and then later coming to understand how the Savior would act. I'm trying to bring myself into alignment with Him. I think I am succeeding now more than I did a year and a half ago. For that, I am grateful, though it took trials, study and prayer to get me here.

Wendy Nelson said that change is like turning a corner. When we truly make a deeply heartfelt change in our lives, we cannot look back and see the old self. It is gone from us. We do not react the same way we used to. We are made new through the power of Christ's Atonement as we faithfully pray for him to strengthen us, because our own strength and determination is not enough. I testify that he truly answers those prayers. He really can change our hearts and make us so that we feel and think differently – better – than we used to.

When the possibility of losing a loved one arises, it seems the most exquisite trial one could face. All sorts of reactions may result. Yet to me, more devastating than mortal death is the spiritual death of a loved one, or their lack of spiritual health to whatever degree, or the death of a family or marriage. One of the most heart wrenching pains I feel as I live this life on earth is that sorrow that comes as I witness unnecessary pain in the lives of those I love, (myself included). When we live beneath our potential. When we make it harder than it needs to be because we try to do it all by ourselves, without the Lord. When we lack the faith to pray and ask for help as the scriptures say (over and over again!), “Ask and it shall be given unto you. Seek and ye shall find. Knock and the door shall be opened unto you.” I can still hear the tune that I learned as a child singing these words.

Though I know that each person is at his or her own point in their lifelong journey of learning, it is still painful to know that there are so many blessings our Heavenly Father would pour out upon them, if they simply obeyed His word, humbled themselves, and asked for help. Asking is not the whole deal, though. There are many who would say, “Now wait just a minute, I've been asking for help for years and I've got nothing to show for it.” There is more than just frantically asking when you feel hopeless and helpless. Or asking out of despair because you just can't take anymore, or because you just feel lost.

He will give unto you, but what good is a gift if he to whom it is given doth not receive it? He will help you find what you need, but you have to reach out and embrace it. He will open the door for you, but you have to walk through it. In other words, BELIEVE in his promise. He can change you, much easier than you can change yourself. Faith is to be acted upon, not just thought about. We must listen for what he tells us to act on. We must rise up from our knees, determined to obey His instruction.

Death is not really scary to me. It is difficult to handle, for certain. There are missed opportunities, and longings, and heartache. But one of the principles of the gospel that attracted me the most when I first learned of it was this: Death is only one step in our eternal progression. It is not something to be feared. Mourned, surely, but ultimately we can be at peace about it. Even those who perhaps were not quite yet prepared to meet God will have the chance, on the other side of the Veil, to continue progressing, repenting, gaining understanding and knowledge, reviewing the lessons learned from their earth life, and even receiving the blessings ordinances such as baptism. As they progress, they are prepared to share this glad message of Christ with others who are still trying to understand. They are even allowed to watch over the family they left behind on the earth and help them along their journey.

So when we are presented with a trial that may lead to the physical death of someone we love, or even ourselves, we can pray for peace and receive it. We can have faith and trust in the Lord. We can and should hope for a miracle. But if it is indeed time for someone to pass through the Veil, we can exercise faith and allow it to drive us to spiritually grow, knowing we will see them again one day.

A few months after I first met my husband, a dear friend of mine died suddenly in a car accident. He was 19. I was hysterical. But Heath was at peace. His amazing ability to be relaxed about it was so comforting to me. He said that perhaps this young man had a mission to fulfill on the other side of the Veil. Something important that Heavenly Father needed him to do. I was so shocked and intrigued by this incredibly peaceful eternal perspective. Now I know that we must trust in the Lord in the face of death. He knows more than we do. He knows what we can handle. He knows what we might regret and how much that can teach us and propel us into spiritual growth. Perhaps as a loving Father in Heaven, He allows physical suffering, and even death, in order to prevent the more important spiritual death that may take us if we allow it to. It is one of the trials we knew we might face when we came here to the earth. Yet we took fresh courage and came anyway, knowing our God would never forsake us.

A hymn we sang at church today includes the line: “And if we die before our journey's through, Happy Day, All is Well.” I believe it would take a long period of mourning before I could sing with a full heart that All is Well. But because of what I know to be true in the gospel of Jesus Christ, I know that day would come and I would “make that chorus swell. All is well. All is well.”

Born Again

I've been experiencing a total spiritual renewal over the past week or so, though it has been coming in stages for several months. I can testify that if we allow our trials to help us grow, we will be strengthened by them. When life is hard, I often ask myself, “Why?” in the sense of “What is God trying to teach me, here?” This past year of my life has been filled with trials and emotional turmoil. I wrote a post back in November entitled, “Chains Breaking, Shackles Falling,” and now I am truly feeling the next set of chains breaking away from me. By chains, I mean the ones Satan had wrapped around me so subtly that I did not even know they were there at first.

My last two posts have talked about having faith and praying for charity. Well, I've been doing this. I've been praying that the Lord would transform my heart with His love. With the help of new tools with which to perceive life (ie Sheri Dew's books and James J. Jones' CDs and book), I am more understanding of the emotional baggage I've chosen to pick up and can choose to set down, as well as codependency and healthy boundaries. That, along with my trials, was sort of like the foundation for this change in me. What is bringing it to fruition is sincere daily prayer, morning and night (and lots of times mid-day), pleading with the Lord to change me, as well as daily scripture study and messages I hear at church. Doing all of these things has brought the Holy Ghost into my presence. Now that I know the peace He can give, I realize how much my heart has been at war all this time...without me even realizing it sometimes.

What's amazing is that things around me are not changing. My circumstances have not changed much. My responsibilities have not lessened. My long to-do list hasn't gotten much shorter. People are still the same, mostly. But because I chose to Believe that Christ truly can heal my heart and bring me peace, it is here. This is hard to explain, because I have believed in Christ all my life. I've even had several other times of great spiritual renewal. I've known times of peace. But the habits I wanted to change always came back. The negative attitudes, the perfectionism, eating poorly, not sleeping or exercising enough, judging others, etc, etc. Though I would make efforts at changing and would for a while, somehow, they have always returned, and my heart stayed at war, and I could not fully overcome my “natural man” tendencies as Paul speaks of in the New Testament.

I am not saying that I have fully overcome them now. But I am further down that path than I ever have been before. I am going through each day with peace. Things happen and conversations take place that threaten to take it away again, and the temptation is still there at times to fall into depressed ways of thinking and doing, or rushed, annoyed ones. But in those moments, I am stopping more often than not to “check” whether or not I feel His peace through the Spirit. And if I don't, then I “back up” a bit and usually pray or sing a hymn and then my feelings smooth over and peace returns. It is miraculous to me.

I have prayed for years to overcome some of these things and suddenly I am finding that they simply aren't there anymore! I would get stressed and want to eat something, usually sweet. Too many of my daily cares centered around pleasing other people in an unhealthy, perfectionist way. I was constantly in a hurry to “get to the next thing” on my list and as a result would often overlook the needs of others. Now, suddenly, because of many answered prayers for the pure love of Christ to transform and purify me, I am free! I am free to be who I truly am and want to be.

I am finding that I can speak calmly to my children when they are doing the same things that I used to raise my voice to. I am patient with things and people like never before. Even with very emotional issues that would have had me anxious for days and worrisome for weeks, I am able to find peace in doing what I can do and then giving the rest of the burden to the Lord, patiently waiting for His timing. I am not in a hurry all the time anymore, and if I have to be, it's not the end of my peace! I am living more “in the now” than ever, seizing the moments that can bring joy – tickling my kids and bouncing on the yoga ball with them and laughing when they sneak up on Daddy, chasing my toddler through the house when he gets that look in his eye and laughing like crazy with him when I catch him.

I know much of this is vague and probably not very easy to understand, but I am just so thankful for these changes the Lord has wrought in me. I finally really understand what a “mighty change of heart” is. And the amazing thing is that I thought I already understood it. I thought I knew what it was before now. But now that I am here, I see that I didn't. I hope that in the coming weeks, I will be able to better articulate what I have learned so that I can help others learn it, too.

One of my greatest sorrows now is seeing others in pain who do not understand how to partake of the Savior's healing power. The other is not knowing how to share it with them.

For now, I can at least recommend Sheri Dew's book, “If Life Were Easy, It Wouldn't Be Hard,” along with prayer and scripture study. The Recommended Reading List on my blog is also worth a look, and of course, the scriptures! They have gems of knowledge in them well worth searching for.

I suppose my main message to my readers today is one of Hope. Christ can change you! You can feel peace and joy every day of your lives! You can live! It is actually possible, even in the midst of great trial, if you turn to Him. He said, “Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me: for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light,” (Matthew 11:28-30). Stop trying to carry your burdens by yourself! Seek the healing power of Christ's Atonement now. Can you really afford to wait any longer before making the time to do this?

I wish I had sought Him more diligently long ago. But then again, I have been seeking Him for more than fifteen years, and He has taught me line upon line, a little here and little there, more so when I sought him sincerely, and not so much when I allowed myself to be distracted from Him. I believe He will continue to teach me for the rest of my life. I'm not perfect by any means. That's the whole point! I couldn't do it by myself, but the Lord is changing the things I've tried to change for years. I had to be tried; I had to be chastened and corrected, humbled and taught. I had to let Him change me. Let Him change you, too!

The Substance of Things Hoped For

I am a list-maker. I like to plan ahead to be sure that I am well-prepared for whatever comes my way...or at least what I know is coming. Unfortunately, I can get a little OCD about it. I can get a little perfectionist about it and start planning my life so that it is filled to the maximum and over-flowing with things “To Do.” This results in my feeling way too overwhelmed with life and because I feel so overwhelmed, I usually become paralyzed and make little or no progress at all. Meanwhile, my relationships weaken, both with immediate and extended family, and with friends. I miss opportunities to be an instrument in the Lord's hands to uplift and strengthen others.

Lately, I've been trying to overcome this obsession with lists. This year, I've been trying to pray to become more in tune with the Holy Ghost. This way, I know that if I am praying, studying, and listening for the Lord, he will prompt me to know what the most important things are. He will help me to have patience to wait on the things I cannot now achieve, and He will tell me what things I may not need to do at all.

One of the characters in my novel desires to have the power to foresee the future, thinking that if she can have this gift, it would be a close guarantee of success during her mortal journey. I was listening to a book on CD by Sheri Dew, entitled, “If Life Were Easy, It Wouldn't Be Hard.” The last chapter is “You Might Be Making Life Harder Than It Needs To Be.” As I listened to her talk about how we can call on the powers of heaven to help us daily in any matter that we feel we need the Lord's help in, I realized that I have not always had enough faith to ask for his help. We are told in the scriptures, “Ask, and ye shall receive.” Do we really believe that?

With all my list-making and planning tasks into my life, I was trying desperately on my own to see my future. I wanted to plan it and have it in my mind before it happened. (I don't do well with sudden change). However, as I have tried to invite the Spirit into my life more often, I have witnessed that He can guide me and give me peace on a daily basis. Some planning needs to happen, but I am not obsessively worried about my long To Do list anymore.

All this time, what I sought after on my own was mine to choose. I wanted assurance that the future would bring success and accomplishment, happiness and progress. Now I know that I must have FAITH, for “Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” (Hebrews 11:1) When I live with faith each day that the Lord will help me, I can have peace. I can live in a more relaxed state of mind and heart, taking the time to pray, to ponder the scriptures, to spend time meeting my family's needs and loving them, to exercise, to focus some of my energy on eating healthier. I can be reassured.

As I am beginning to exercise my faith in this way, I am also realizing, with the help of Sheri Dew, that I must pray to be transformed into someone who possesses true charity, the pure love of Christ. As I am filled with the Lord's love for all, I will be strengthened to overcome my weaknesses, not through my own power or planning, but through the Lord's tender, merciful answers to my prayers. Prayers that include my To Do List, for sure, but are more focused on changing my heart. Now that I have more faith, I have more hope for the future, too. Not only hope, but a blessed assurance “of things hoped for.” And, with that hope in my heart, I can stop being so frenzied about my To Do List and start seeing the people around me as people who need that pure love of Christ. Hopefully, the Lord will see fit to show it to them through me sometimes.

I'm so thankful for the scriptures and the words of other followers of Christ. I'm so thankful for the Holy Ghost, through whom the Lord helps me each day. I'm thankful for the power of prayer and the knowledge that my Savior can transform me like I never could.

Of Things That Matter Most

I've been hearing a lot about self-mastery, faith, and choices lately. I've been going back to the General Conference Archive and listening to some great talks again. President Uchtdorf's talk entitled “Of Things That Matter Most” in particular stood out to me and brought relief.

Last year was a huge leap for me with regards to my novel. I accomplished more in six months than I had in years. I got the first book in the series almost completed. Then I took a break, had some great holidays, had a baby, and well... I think I finished up a few partial chapters back in April and wrote one new one in September. Other than that, I really haven't written all year, other than in my journal and for this blog and a few letters. I kept thinking when my daughter started Kindergarten, I would get back to it consistently. So it's been on my mind for about three months now and I just haven't gotten to it. I've been mostly at peace about it, but a feeling of discord has been rising in me and I've been getting worried that I will never find the time to return to it again.

But a woman at church today said that you have to give your problems to the Lord and then stop worrying. You can still ponder and pray about them, but you can stop worrying and live with faith that the matter is in the Lord's hands. I thought, “Yes, I need to live with faith that if the Lord wants me to write this book, he will prepare a way for me to do it.”

President Uchtdorf said, “When stress levels rise, when distress appears, when tragedy strikes, too often we attempt to keep up the same frantic pace or even accelerate, thinking somehow that the more rushed our pace, the better off we will be...It is said that any virtue when taken to an extreme can become a vice. Overscheduling our days would certainly qualify for this. There comes a point where milestones can become millstones and ambitions, albatrosses around our necks.”

What a blessing it was for me to hear this. I am so incredibly talented at overscheduling my life, it is frightening sometimes. It's always a relief to be reminded that I am allowed to be human.

The parenting CD's I've been listening to gave me another eye-opener when I learned about the things that “drive” children (and thus adults). One of them “Be perfect.” Another is “Be Strong.” Don't let life get you down. No matter what happens, we're supposed to bounce back, take it in stride, never miss a beat, keep on keepin' on, and just keep smiling. Sometimes we get sent this message that we shouldn't feel what we feel. That we need to just get over it and stop crying.

What I'm realizing is that if we want to have self-mastery and be able to make those right choices, to focus on the Things that Matter Most, then we have to know the self we are trying to master. We have to admit the truth. And the truth is weakness. But that's okay! We're human. No matter how hard I try, I'm not superhuman. I can't always get everything done. I can't always smile. I can't always succeed. It's okay to ask for some time alone.

Being perfect has been a big “driver” for me. Learning that it's okay to fail has been hard, but liberating. I'm learning to expect what is realistic. To forgive myself for not accomplishing, or rather to release the feeling that I need to forgive myself. I'm learning that even if I fail at being the perfect example for my children, I can apologize and move forward and try to do better and it won't actually ruin my kid in the process. Kids don't need to see us being perfect all the time. They need to see how we deal with being imperfect. Dealing with that requires reliance on the Savior. Admitting failure. Being weak. They need to see that it's okay to fail, to feel, to cry, to pray, to move on, to try again. When we let go of this facade of always trying to be perfect and strong for ourselves, our family, our friends, we can slow down and focus on the joy of what matters most: them.

Hypocrisy Destroys Faith

Last weekend, a General Conference of the members of my church was held. Speakers from around the world shared messages that were inspired of God. As I listened, I began to string together some themes that seemed to be running through almost every talk. Be in tune with the Holy Ghost to give you divine guidance and personal direction. Follow God's living prophet. Several speakers said that mankind is meant “to act and not be acted upon” and that “wickedness never was happiness.” Several mentioned Satan's cunning methods as he tries to gradually drag us down to hell, especially through the influence of various media. I felt the overarching themes throughout the conference, however, were faith and purity, as well as raising our children in righteousness. Perhaps those are simply the themes that stood out to me.

Mary N. Cook spoke of how our actions influence our children's faith. She talked about being a good example and quoted Brigham Young, who said, “We should never permit ourselves to do anything that we are not willing to see our children do. We should set them an example that we wish them to imitate.” This very simple principle hit home to me partly because I have been remaking my parenting style, almost completely overhauling it actually. I've been learning that personal purity is so important in parenting. What message are you sending when you tell a child to do something and then do the opposite yourself? It makes your command to them seem more restrictive, for one thing. But more than that, it destroys your credibility with them. Your words become hollow attempts to control their behavior, not loving admonitions to help them be happier and avoid heartache. You lose the confidence of your children.

Elder D. Todd Christofferson said, “The Savior’s sternest rebukes were to hypocrites. Hypocrisy is terribly destructive, not only to the hypocrite but also to those who observe or know of his or her conduct, especially children. It is faith destroying.” Hypocrisy in parents can destroy the faith of a child!

Outward hypocrisy is really a reflection of inward impurity. The messages that hypocrisy sends are complex. Outwardly, it may seem that I am arrogant, and because I am an adult, I think I can abide by a different set of standards because I am all grown up now and I can do what I want. I don't have my parents around restricting me anymore and I am free to do anything I please. My children, however, haven't earned that privilege by growing up yet. It sends the message that when they grow up, they can do whatever they want. But this could not be further from the truth! Consequences always follow choices, good or bad, for adults and children. If we don't teach our children that, then they grow up thinking they can skate around God's eternal consequences, or be rescued from them, and that is simply not true.

Perhaps a more hidden message of hypocrisy goes back to self-love. If we do not love and respect ourselves enough to follow the standards we've set for our children, the standards we say we believe in, then we portray a very low self-image and self-esteem to them. They see it! They feel it! They know our hearts are not at peace with ourselves. It leaves them confused, and too often feeling the same way about themselves.

Our challenge is to go forward with faith, repent of our own hypocrisy and renew our efforts to live the values that we preach to our children. But this faith is not something that resides quietly in our hearts as we go about our hectic lives giving barely a moment to our relationship with God. I was taught during General Conference that having faith is a choice. It is something that must be sought after and developed through prayer and scripture study. Faith can remove a mountain of doubt and despair. But it requires action! Even just establishing simple righteous patterns, as Elder Lawrence taught, of daily family prayer and scripture study, weekly Family Home Evening, daily family dinner and frequent one-on-one interviews, can make a world of difference in building faith in Jesus Christ. Ultimately, we must work to seek out and understand what the Lord would have us do – to help ourselves, to help others, and to teach our children. Then stop making excuses not to do what we feel He wants us to do.

If you'd like to read more of the inspired messages shared in General Conference, be sure to visit www.lds.org.

Fight the Good Fight of Faith

I have not posted in a long time. A month, actually. I apologize. My energies have turned from making a spiritual and loving Christmas season for my family to preparations for having a new baby boy come to us and make us whole. We've dealt with sicknesses and overtime hours as well and that has been a challenge to my accomplishing the many tasks a mother feels are necessary before her baby comes.

I have had moments of quiet comfort from the Spirit of the Lord and reassurance come to me. I have been uplifted and strengthened. Yet I have not felt able to write a post because I have spiritually been hanging on by the skin of my teeth as far as keeping it together. Part of this is because I was so much more prepared for the birth of my daughter than I have been for this one. I spent so much time reflecting and visualizing and praying over her birth, mentally preparing myself for all I may have to face. This time, I have barely been able to keep up with normal life, much less prepare myself mentally.

Last week was a low point for me. I was frantically trying to accomplish all that I could while still physically capable. A good friend asked how I was doing and I admitted to feeling overwhelmed and ready for this pregnancy to be over. In her reply, she wisely counseled me “not to let the Adversary steal away any of the spiritual aspects of this experience for you.”

Her comment pierced my soul and I realized this is exactly what I was allowing Satan to do. I've been so distracted from spiritual things that I have not spent adequate time reflecting on the joyous moment this is for our family. From that moment, I began to recover from my “woe is me” attitude and focus on what truly matters.

Then I read 1 Timothy 6:12, where we are counseled to “fight the good fight of faith.” I realized that I had allowed so much doubt and negativity to enter my mind and heart that I was unable to exercise my faith. Faith and doubt cannot exist in the same heart at the same time. True faith will chase away doubt.

But many times, It - Is - A - Fight.

We are at war here on this earth. Good and evil are the opposing forces. Evil fights every chance it gets to try to own our hearts and minds. We must fight the good fight of faith and defeat it, choosing the good over the evil. That is why we are here.

I refer to this as fighting to regain the fullness of my faith. The fight is choosing to kneel in prayer, choosing to study His Word, choosing to act kindly, choosing to listen to and sing uplifting songs, choosing to repent of wrongdoing, choosing to spend time with family, choosing to discard negative thoughts and think more virtuous ones.

The Lord has blessed me with these last couple of weeks. I think He knew I would need them to finish up the necessary preparations, let go of the unnecessary ones and be motivated to go through whatever I need to go through to bring one of his precious sons into the world. He knew I would need the time to receive and bear witness to my daughter that bringing a child into this world is one of the most sacred experiences we can have and that it should be reverenced. He knew I would need the time to fight the good fight. I am so thankful He knows what I need.

Faith, Pride, and Trials: Part II

Last time I talked about not assuming superiority over the truth. As in, we need to admit the truth to ourselves when things are going wrong instead of pridefully continuing in our feelings of resentment, anger, etc. I referenced James 3:14.

We should not assume superiority over God's will, either. I know people who have acted on the guidance they received in answer to prayer. Then as they continued to do what they were sure was God's will for them, things went in the wrong direction and turned out to be a big challenge. When this happens, people sometimes lose faith in their ability to know what God's will is for them. If whatever happened had been God's will, then it would not have gone awry.

Well, I believe that we cannot presume to know the mind of the Lord as we follow His will. I do know that He will guide and direct us through the power of the Holy Ghost as we humbly seek answers to our prayers. He gives us direction concerning the things we are responsible for (as in ourselves and family, not the President of the United States). If we have faith, we can receive guidance and answers to know what to do in our lives specifically. The Lord knows each of us better than we know ourselves. He knows what lessons we need to learn. He knows what we can and can't handle. We must have faith that He knows what He is doing. He is God.

How could we react differently to challenges like this? When we thought we were doing something right, but it just didn't work out. In the midst of all trials, no matter what happens, we can keep our faith in Jesus Christ. Abraham kept his faith even when he was asked to sacrifice his son! We can keep our faith that the Lord knows what he is doing, even if we don't understand it. I studied the Book of Revelation in depth once and realized, with the help of a religion instructor, that the main message of the entire Revelation to John is that God is in control. He knows what He is doing.

Even when it feels like our lives are out of control, He is watching over us and will guide our steps if we let Him. Just look at what the Lord allowed to happen to Job. But Job never lost faith, even when all he owned and all his children and even his health were taken from him! All at once almost! The Lord never would have allowed it if He had known Job could not handle it. But He did. And Job kept his faith strong. He did not assume superiority over God's judgment in allowing these terrible things to happen to him. And the Lord blessed him beyond what he had before after the trials were over.

Projects we began because we were following God's will may not always go the way we thought they would. But the Lord can use even failed projects to meet other objectives and to bring blessings into people's lives in ways we may not be able to see until after we die. Even in the midst of our trials, we can find peace in moments of quiet prayer and study of His word. We can find peace as we humble ourselves and keep our faith in the Lord and his timing.

Faith, Pride, and Trials: Part I

I was reading in James this week, chapter 3. Verse 14 reads, “But if ye have bitter envying and strife in your hearts, glory not, and lie not against the truth.” The word “glory” has a footnote with the Greek translation, which means, “do not assume superiority over.” So, with that in mind, we could read, “If ye have bitter envying and strife in your hearts, do not assume superiority over the truth.”

This verse has really helped me to humble myself enough to pray to receive God's help. Who among us does not have some kind of strife in our hearts from time to time? Whether it is anger or depression or just a generally negative attitude. Usually when we are continuing to have these feelings without resolution, it is because we have not admitted the truth to ourselves. Pride plays a major role here as we continue to feel angry at God for something gone wrong or depressed that our lives aren't happier when actually they are pretty blessed.

Pride helps us justify what we are feeling and doing. Resentment and anger feeds itself as we neglect the truth. We presume to know what another person was thinking when he did such and such. We are angry because a child is repeatedly disobedient. But if we examined the situation for truth, we would see that perhaps that person had good intentions after all, or was unaware. We would see that we had been neglecting the child all day in favor of errands and housework and that we are the ones who do not have our priorities in order.

Part of admitting the truth to ourselves is admitting that we need the Lord's help to change our hearts. Sometimes part of the anger we feel is anger at ourselves for not being able to change and do what is right, or feel the right way about something. But the truth we must realize is that we cannot do it all by ourselves. Our relationship with the Savior is vital here. We must remember to pray and study His word, two things that pride keeps us from doing. Prayer and study help us to receive the blessings of His Atoning Sacrifice. He is only waiting for us to ask for His help. When we are humble enough to admit we need it, He pours out blessings upon us. He changes our hearts like no other source can.

I have had this experience many times. Everything seems to be going wrong with my week or day and I am resentful and irritable and depressed and angry. When I finally remember to take a step back and examine what is really going on, I realize that I haven't said my prayers, I haven't studied my scriptures, and I am not feeling the Holy Spirit with me. The problem was me, not my circumstances. I have knelt in prayer at these times and poured my heart out to the Lord. He hears me every time and I count it nothing less than a miracle that when I stand up again, my heart is changed and the bitter feelings have been taken away by the Lord Jesus Christ himself.

Faith

I just got around to watching the movie Bucket List last night. It's a sad but uplifting story about two men who are diagnosed with cancer and given a year to live. While they are on a last chance get-away trip together, they have a conversation about faith and the existence of God. Cole says something like, “You don't claim to know anything I don't know.” Carter replies that he “just has faith.”

As I watched this, I felt sad for the millions of people out there who think that belief is all that faith can be. I am so grateful that I have been taught about how God speaks to us through the power of the Holy Ghost. Those sweet assurances that have come to me during times of prayer enable me to say with no doubt that I know God lives and Jesus Christ is our Savior. I know they are real. I have felt it through the power of the Holy Ghost and there is nothing that would ever cause me to say that I merely believe or have faith that they are real. They have performed miracles and answered prayers in my life.

So if you are one of those people who think faith can never progress into a perfect knowledge until after death, then I have a challenge for you. Pray. Pray simply for your Heavenly Father to manifest to you the truthfulness of the scriptures, or of the existence of Him and His Son. The Lord has promised that if you pray in faith, believing that you will receive an answer to your prayer, you will receive.

I do not wish to belittle the faith of others. Faith is how it all begins! Faith is absolutely necessary! But be assured that in a conversation like Carter's, it is possible to reply with a sure knowledge that God is real because of the witness felt in the heart.

Believe in the Ripples

Some time ago, I was sitting by a lake in the early morning. A man was pouring buckets of water out of his canoe nearby. As I looked out over the lake, there were tiny waves all over it, ripples extending clear to the opposite shore, all from this one man’s very small bucket of water. I followed the ripples closely – surely the ones in the pattern of the water so far away could not be from this one man. But then he stopped. The water grew still again and I saw clearly that his small splash was indeed making ripples so far away that I was sure he was entirely unaware of them. He had his head down, looking at the boat the whole time.

‘Just keep on writing,’ said the voice of the Spirit to my heart. One day, I will finally pour the last bucket of water into these novels and I will look up and be astonished at the lake full of waves I have created, touching people’s lives, I hope.

Sometimes I feel guilty about not committing more time to writing since I have felt very much led by the Lord to do it. Occasionally, He has to remind me that taking care of myself and my family and teaching my daughter come first. I think the Lord leads many of us to do certain things that will have ripple effects we may never understand. It may not be writing for you. It may not even be the same thing every day.

Others are at times astounded that I have stuck with my writing for so long without even submitting for publishing yet or moving on to something else or just giving up. I’m not sure if “stuck with” is the right phrasing. I just keep coming back to my writing every time I’ve abandoned it to work on other pursuits – service in extended family or for other church members, family history endeavors, cleaning up my house, or painting it, having babies. When I can, I pour another bucket, no matter how small the splash may be. (One day this week I worked for three hours and ended up with one page of new text).

But part of why I’ve been able to do this is that I believe in the ripples. My goal is not singularly to ripple through the publishing world or make money. Of course, one of my goals is to get it right and to have it be the best it can be. (Yes, I hear all you writers out there saying that you have to know when to stop editing, and I hear you, but that’s not what this is – I’m really just not finished creating.)

I believe in other ripples, some as simple as having my friends and family read it for me before I submit for publishing and have it impact their lives in whatever way the Lord intends. Another ripple is the eternal perspective it helps me to keep on life, because of the nature of what I’m writing. It’s also prompted me to study the gospel more deeply than ever before. And it has brought me into relationships with people whom I never would have met had I not decided to become a writer. Ripples have even come from the things I’ve done while the writing was on pause. I’m okay with that.

So I will keep trying to live my life – Keeping Christ at the center as much as I can, remembering my family and my own spirituality and teaching my children first – and pouring bucket after bucket into my writing, no matter how small each splash may be, having faith that the Lord will take the ripples as far as He needs them to go.