Who Shall Separate Us From the Love of Christ?

Setback. Today, I thought, 'If only my readers could see me now. What a hypocrite they would think me to be.' I thought I was doing so well, being so happy, getting over my old self, but today was like a time warp straight back to my pre-Charity era. Some things...attitudes...people...weren't working out like I would have hoped and as a result I was back to my old self. My old negative thinking, unmotivated self. I forgot my goals and ate too many cookies from someone else's cookie jar. I did workout, though, but I was angry and pushing for part of the time and sad and sluggish for the other part. I still plowed through the day and tried to do some of the same things that usually brought me joy, but it just wasn't there.

I kept wondering, why? Why have I lost that high feeling of transformation that I had this past couple of weeks? What is different? Thoughts came with possible explanations and I gained some understanding, but I still felt lost and unable to feel that sweet joy and peace in my heart like before. Even when I checked off a very big to do on my list. Even when I was praying and reading the scriptures...a little. Even when my toddler was laughing at his sister.

As I listened with my daughter to one of her electronic storybooks about Beauty and the Beast, I noticed how the Beast could not change back into his true form as a prince until he received love from someone else. Belle's fallen tear as she spoke the words, “I love you,” reminded me of how it is the Savior's Pure Love that is changing me. Why couldn't I feel that love today? (He even loves us when we're beastly)!

It was not until late in the evening that I made it into a very dirty kitchen to begin cleaning it up that I decided to listen to a talk from church. Our church has this great website where you can click on talks that were recently broadcast at our General Conference and listen to them over again. So I found one entitled, “More Than Conquerors Through Him That Loved Us,” referencing Paul's words in the book of Romans.

In his talk, Paul V. Johnson states, “A pattern in the scriptures and in life shows that many times the darkest, most dangerous tests immediately precede remarkable events and tremendous growth. “After much tribulation come the blessings.” The children of Israel were trapped against the Red Sea before it was parted...Time after time we see marvelous blessings on the heels of great trials.”

This particular trial I am experiencing today feels more difficult to bear than all the previous ones from this past year or so added together. Since such great light and joy came after those trials, I am hoping that this will also lead to even more joy in the near future.

But tonight as I write this, I am at peace once again and beginning to feel Christ's charity and love transform me a little more. Here are the scriptures that finally released me from Satan's grasp:

“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? ...Nay, in all these things, we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:35,37-39).

Today, it was me. I was allowing my tribulation to separate me from God. Another scripture reference from the talk was this: “Whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day” (Alma 36:3).

Today, it was me. I was not trusting God with my burden. I was picking up unnecessary emotional baggage. I had to choose to set it back down. The true burden of our trials is to be laid at His feet with total trust. If we can do that, then we will be “more than conquerors.”

In this chapter, Alma goes on to explain his own spiritual rebirth to his son, Helaman. He says, “and from that time even until now, I have labored without ceasing that I might bring souls unto repentance; that I might bring them to taste of the exceeding joy of which I did taste; that they might also be born of God, and be filled with the Holy Ghost. Yea, and now behold, O my son, the Lord doth give me exceedingly great joy in the fruit of my labors,” (Alma 36:24-25).

Today, it was me. I slacked off in my efforts to feel true love and charity in my heart. I did not “labor without ceasing.” As I read this, I thought that this transformation I'm experiencing does not mean that I will have things easy from now on. On the contrary, my trials will give me what I need to learn more. They will still be there. I will still have to fight them. I will still have to labor without ceasing. But “I do put my trust in Him, and He will still deliver me” (Alma 36:27).

Once I was out of Satan's grasp, I felt a lot better, and I was able to feel God's love and act with charity. Then things...attitudes...people got a lot better too.

Born Again

I've been experiencing a total spiritual renewal over the past week or so, though it has been coming in stages for several months. I can testify that if we allow our trials to help us grow, we will be strengthened by them. When life is hard, I often ask myself, “Why?” in the sense of “What is God trying to teach me, here?” This past year of my life has been filled with trials and emotional turmoil. I wrote a post back in November entitled, “Chains Breaking, Shackles Falling,” and now I am truly feeling the next set of chains breaking away from me. By chains, I mean the ones Satan had wrapped around me so subtly that I did not even know they were there at first.

My last two posts have talked about having faith and praying for charity. Well, I've been doing this. I've been praying that the Lord would transform my heart with His love. With the help of new tools with which to perceive life (ie Sheri Dew's books and James J. Jones' CDs and book), I am more understanding of the emotional baggage I've chosen to pick up and can choose to set down, as well as codependency and healthy boundaries. That, along with my trials, was sort of like the foundation for this change in me. What is bringing it to fruition is sincere daily prayer, morning and night (and lots of times mid-day), pleading with the Lord to change me, as well as daily scripture study and messages I hear at church. Doing all of these things has brought the Holy Ghost into my presence. Now that I know the peace He can give, I realize how much my heart has been at war all this time...without me even realizing it sometimes.

What's amazing is that things around me are not changing. My circumstances have not changed much. My responsibilities have not lessened. My long to-do list hasn't gotten much shorter. People are still the same, mostly. But because I chose to Believe that Christ truly can heal my heart and bring me peace, it is here. This is hard to explain, because I have believed in Christ all my life. I've even had several other times of great spiritual renewal. I've known times of peace. But the habits I wanted to change always came back. The negative attitudes, the perfectionism, eating poorly, not sleeping or exercising enough, judging others, etc, etc. Though I would make efforts at changing and would for a while, somehow, they have always returned, and my heart stayed at war, and I could not fully overcome my “natural man” tendencies as Paul speaks of in the New Testament.

I am not saying that I have fully overcome them now. But I am further down that path than I ever have been before. I am going through each day with peace. Things happen and conversations take place that threaten to take it away again, and the temptation is still there at times to fall into depressed ways of thinking and doing, or rushed, annoyed ones. But in those moments, I am stopping more often than not to “check” whether or not I feel His peace through the Spirit. And if I don't, then I “back up” a bit and usually pray or sing a hymn and then my feelings smooth over and peace returns. It is miraculous to me.

I have prayed for years to overcome some of these things and suddenly I am finding that they simply aren't there anymore! I would get stressed and want to eat something, usually sweet. Too many of my daily cares centered around pleasing other people in an unhealthy, perfectionist way. I was constantly in a hurry to “get to the next thing” on my list and as a result would often overlook the needs of others. Now, suddenly, because of many answered prayers for the pure love of Christ to transform and purify me, I am free! I am free to be who I truly am and want to be.

I am finding that I can speak calmly to my children when they are doing the same things that I used to raise my voice to. I am patient with things and people like never before. Even with very emotional issues that would have had me anxious for days and worrisome for weeks, I am able to find peace in doing what I can do and then giving the rest of the burden to the Lord, patiently waiting for His timing. I am not in a hurry all the time anymore, and if I have to be, it's not the end of my peace! I am living more “in the now” than ever, seizing the moments that can bring joy – tickling my kids and bouncing on the yoga ball with them and laughing when they sneak up on Daddy, chasing my toddler through the house when he gets that look in his eye and laughing like crazy with him when I catch him.

I know much of this is vague and probably not very easy to understand, but I am just so thankful for these changes the Lord has wrought in me. I finally really understand what a “mighty change of heart” is. And the amazing thing is that I thought I already understood it. I thought I knew what it was before now. But now that I am here, I see that I didn't. I hope that in the coming weeks, I will be able to better articulate what I have learned so that I can help others learn it, too.

One of my greatest sorrows now is seeing others in pain who do not understand how to partake of the Savior's healing power. The other is not knowing how to share it with them.

For now, I can at least recommend Sheri Dew's book, “If Life Were Easy, It Wouldn't Be Hard,” along with prayer and scripture study. The Recommended Reading List on my blog is also worth a look, and of course, the scriptures! They have gems of knowledge in them well worth searching for.

I suppose my main message to my readers today is one of Hope. Christ can change you! You can feel peace and joy every day of your lives! You can live! It is actually possible, even in the midst of great trial, if you turn to Him. He said, “Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me: for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light,” (Matthew 11:28-30). Stop trying to carry your burdens by yourself! Seek the healing power of Christ's Atonement now. Can you really afford to wait any longer before making the time to do this?

I wish I had sought Him more diligently long ago. But then again, I have been seeking Him for more than fifteen years, and He has taught me line upon line, a little here and little there, more so when I sought him sincerely, and not so much when I allowed myself to be distracted from Him. I believe He will continue to teach me for the rest of my life. I'm not perfect by any means. That's the whole point! I couldn't do it by myself, but the Lord is changing the things I've tried to change for years. I had to be tried; I had to be chastened and corrected, humbled and taught. I had to let Him change me. Let Him change you, too!

The Greatest of These

I've been listening to Sheri Dew's book, “If Life Were Easy, It Wouldn't Be Hard.” She includes many profound perspectives, including how to set down the emotional baggage we carry, and some ideas about how charity is greater than faith or hope. Charity is the pure love of Christ. I could quote the entire thirteenth chapter of 1 Corinthians here. I encourage you to read it soon. Verse 13 says, “And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.”

Sheri Dew shed a new light on charity, or love. She said, “Charity is a healing, transforming balm bestowed by the Father, applied by the Holy Ghost, to true followers of his Son, that will change our very nature as it purifies us.”

As we pray for this charity, we can change! The Lord will transform us, for we cannot transform ourselves. I'm sure everyone knows what it is like to know that something is wrong in our souls, but to not feel capable of fixing it. Or to have pain from abuse or tragedy and not be able to eradicate its effects. Or to know that we have a destructive habit or behavior, but feel as though no matter what we do, we have not been able to conquer it. Of course we can't conquer it! We need the Lord to transform us first and then when we have His pure love in our hearts, we will be able to conquer bad habits, to heal and to let go of pain. He stands at the door and knocks, waiting for us to open our hearts and truly let Him in. He will not force us.

I have prayed that he would purify me, knowing that I could not overcome my weaknesses by myself. I have prayed to be filled with the love of God. That I would be able to have true charity toward all and the ability to truly love others and not judge them no matter how badly they hurt me or the others around them. (Verse 4: Charity suffereth long, and is kind.) But I never quite thought of charity this way. Now I am praying for the Lord to apply the transforming power of His Atonement to my heart so I may change the things I know I must if I am to find everlasting joy in this life and teach my children how to find it as well. I am so thankful for the gospel of Jesus Christ and that the Lord is always willing to teach me when I seek Him!

If Mommy's Happy...

What a fiasco this afternoon was! But thanks to a good night's sleep, a morning of prayer and scripture study, plus writing, a workout on the elliptical, and some cartwheels with my daughter, (I didn't know I could still do them! It was fun!), I made it through a crying, screaming, smiling baby with a rash and runny nose, making sugar cookies (the roll and cut out kind) for my daughter's preschool class, making lasagna for dinner (one fuss-food-lactose-free pan for me and one regular version for my husband), holding a very ambitious Family Home Evening lesson during which we scrubbed the (nasty, disgusting) bath tub and shower and related it to the principle of repentance and change, how we feel dirty when we make wrong choices and clean and spotless when we repent and do what is right.

It was about to fall apart when the baby was screaming during the tub scrub and I made the executive decision to stop scrubbing and discuss the scripture that went with our lesson, (while I nursed a quieter baby), have our treats and get on with bed time. As we tried to finish the lesson, my daughter was her usual self, anxiously awaiting the treat while Mommy droned on about something she didn't understand. Daddy saved the night with a suggestion to vary my voice. So the rest of the discussion was given by all in various Sesame Street voices, to which my daughter listened intently and we all laughed a lot, but learned something. The house shows the path of the tornado that hit it this afternoon. But in my heart there is peace.

Our lesson was about changing our family from an old family who speaks unkindly at times and is too frequently disrespectful and untidy into a new family who tries to speak in more of a Christ-like manner and tone, being careful not to hurt one another, but to help and teach. We talked about how we should be like the people in the scriptures who “could not look upon sin save it were with abhorrence.” (I could not look upon our bathtub save it was with abhorrence). We talked about making wrong choices, repenting, and making right choices.

In the end, it was Mommy who stayed up late finishing the cookie decorating and scrubbing of the tub (and tile and grout...). My poor husband put in some elbow grease during the group effort, but collapsed again after it was over and thanked me for my efforts and work. (He's been sick for a few days now.) Anyway, as I worked, I sang hymns and hummed songs, including the new Primary song, “My Eternal Family,” which we sang during family night. It occurred to me that my doing a large portion of the work to make the tub “pure and spotless” was very appropriate in relation to the lesson I had given.

Change in the family is, of course, so very important for each member to participate in. But I am the Mother. If I want my family to change in the way they speak to one another, if I want them to be more kind, then I must, in a way, do more work to change myself and the way I speak and act. If the Mother changes her tone and speaks more Christlike, if the Mother is more kind and tenderhearted, understanding and long-suffering, if the Mother looks for moments to teach the children about the Savior, then the whole family cannot help but follow along. So goes the old saying, “If Mom's not happy, no one is.” On the flip side, “If Mom is happy, (or kind, considerate, loving, etc), there's a pretty good chance everyone else is, too.”

Love Causes Change

Sunday morning this week was a bear. I'm grouchy when I'm sleepy anyway, but this morning was especially trying. The time change might help some people, but for us, we're always tricked into staying up late thinking that we have an extra hour anyway, only to overdo it and face a groggy morning with a very awake daughter who thinks it is an hour later than we do. There was an extra Grrr in my grouchiness on this particular morning.

I prayed for help during a few quiet moments. Angry feelings stayed with me for a while until I finally told my daughter that I needed to feel the Holy Ghost and I had not yet read my scriptures. She wanted me to read to her from a church magazine, so I compromised and told her I would choose the story to make sure it had some good scriptures in it that would help me feel the Spirit.

I turned to the first message in the Friend magazine and read President Thomas S. Monson's message. The first line was “Love causes change.” Immediately, my heart was pierced with the message from the Spirit that the love I have for my family should cause me to change. I felt sorry for my angry feelings and repented in that moment, feeling the Lord heal my heart with his love for me.

The scripture quoted there was John 13:34, “A new commandment I give unto you, that ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.”

I tried for the rest of the morning to show my family the same love the Savior shows me. The angry feelings were completely gone. Forgiveness came. Then a situation arose that would have normally tried my patience beyond my ability to remain calm. A power struggle with my daughter. Amazingly, I still felt the Spirit throughout the whole almost hour long ordeal. (We don't have church until 11:30). The Lord wasn't just helping me control my anger. He helped me so that the anger never even appeared in my heart! After the episode, I was filled with gratitude that I was able to handle it in a kind, firm way without giving in.

I testify that the Savior's love changes our hearts, not only in the moment we first choose to follow Him, but in all the challenging moments after that as well. His love causes change. Our love for our family and Him cause us to change for the better. The experience reminds me of the scripture that says, “Awake my soul! No longer droop in sin.” As I tried to teach my daughter that bad choices do not help us feel joy, I realized that I am still learning the same lesson myself. Her actions were paralleling what I had done that morning. I hope I can teach her that Jesus can change our hearts even when we are caught up in bad feelings if we choose to seek Him.