Who Shall Separate Us From the Love of Christ?

Setback. Today, I thought, 'If only my readers could see me now. What a hypocrite they would think me to be.' I thought I was doing so well, being so happy, getting over my old self, but today was like a time warp straight back to my pre-Charity era. Some things...attitudes...people...weren't working out like I would have hoped and as a result I was back to my old self. My old negative thinking, unmotivated self. I forgot my goals and ate too many cookies from someone else's cookie jar. I did workout, though, but I was angry and pushing for part of the time and sad and sluggish for the other part. I still plowed through the day and tried to do some of the same things that usually brought me joy, but it just wasn't there.

I kept wondering, why? Why have I lost that high feeling of transformation that I had this past couple of weeks? What is different? Thoughts came with possible explanations and I gained some understanding, but I still felt lost and unable to feel that sweet joy and peace in my heart like before. Even when I checked off a very big to do on my list. Even when I was praying and reading the scriptures...a little. Even when my toddler was laughing at his sister.

As I listened with my daughter to one of her electronic storybooks about Beauty and the Beast, I noticed how the Beast could not change back into his true form as a prince until he received love from someone else. Belle's fallen tear as she spoke the words, “I love you,” reminded me of how it is the Savior's Pure Love that is changing me. Why couldn't I feel that love today? (He even loves us when we're beastly)!

It was not until late in the evening that I made it into a very dirty kitchen to begin cleaning it up that I decided to listen to a talk from church. Our church has this great website where you can click on talks that were recently broadcast at our General Conference and listen to them over again. So I found one entitled, “More Than Conquerors Through Him That Loved Us,” referencing Paul's words in the book of Romans.

In his talk, Paul V. Johnson states, “A pattern in the scriptures and in life shows that many times the darkest, most dangerous tests immediately precede remarkable events and tremendous growth. “After much tribulation come the blessings.” The children of Israel were trapped against the Red Sea before it was parted...Time after time we see marvelous blessings on the heels of great trials.”

This particular trial I am experiencing today feels more difficult to bear than all the previous ones from this past year or so added together. Since such great light and joy came after those trials, I am hoping that this will also lead to even more joy in the near future.

But tonight as I write this, I am at peace once again and beginning to feel Christ's charity and love transform me a little more. Here are the scriptures that finally released me from Satan's grasp:

“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? ...Nay, in all these things, we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:35,37-39).

Today, it was me. I was allowing my tribulation to separate me from God. Another scripture reference from the talk was this: “Whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day” (Alma 36:3).

Today, it was me. I was not trusting God with my burden. I was picking up unnecessary emotional baggage. I had to choose to set it back down. The true burden of our trials is to be laid at His feet with total trust. If we can do that, then we will be “more than conquerors.”

In this chapter, Alma goes on to explain his own spiritual rebirth to his son, Helaman. He says, “and from that time even until now, I have labored without ceasing that I might bring souls unto repentance; that I might bring them to taste of the exceeding joy of which I did taste; that they might also be born of God, and be filled with the Holy Ghost. Yea, and now behold, O my son, the Lord doth give me exceedingly great joy in the fruit of my labors,” (Alma 36:24-25).

Today, it was me. I slacked off in my efforts to feel true love and charity in my heart. I did not “labor without ceasing.” As I read this, I thought that this transformation I'm experiencing does not mean that I will have things easy from now on. On the contrary, my trials will give me what I need to learn more. They will still be there. I will still have to fight them. I will still have to labor without ceasing. But “I do put my trust in Him, and He will still deliver me” (Alma 36:27).

Once I was out of Satan's grasp, I felt a lot better, and I was able to feel God's love and act with charity. Then things...attitudes...people got a lot better too.

Born Again

I've been experiencing a total spiritual renewal over the past week or so, though it has been coming in stages for several months. I can testify that if we allow our trials to help us grow, we will be strengthened by them. When life is hard, I often ask myself, “Why?” in the sense of “What is God trying to teach me, here?” This past year of my life has been filled with trials and emotional turmoil. I wrote a post back in November entitled, “Chains Breaking, Shackles Falling,” and now I am truly feeling the next set of chains breaking away from me. By chains, I mean the ones Satan had wrapped around me so subtly that I did not even know they were there at first.

My last two posts have talked about having faith and praying for charity. Well, I've been doing this. I've been praying that the Lord would transform my heart with His love. With the help of new tools with which to perceive life (ie Sheri Dew's books and James J. Jones' CDs and book), I am more understanding of the emotional baggage I've chosen to pick up and can choose to set down, as well as codependency and healthy boundaries. That, along with my trials, was sort of like the foundation for this change in me. What is bringing it to fruition is sincere daily prayer, morning and night (and lots of times mid-day), pleading with the Lord to change me, as well as daily scripture study and messages I hear at church. Doing all of these things has brought the Holy Ghost into my presence. Now that I know the peace He can give, I realize how much my heart has been at war all this time...without me even realizing it sometimes.

What's amazing is that things around me are not changing. My circumstances have not changed much. My responsibilities have not lessened. My long to-do list hasn't gotten much shorter. People are still the same, mostly. But because I chose to Believe that Christ truly can heal my heart and bring me peace, it is here. This is hard to explain, because I have believed in Christ all my life. I've even had several other times of great spiritual renewal. I've known times of peace. But the habits I wanted to change always came back. The negative attitudes, the perfectionism, eating poorly, not sleeping or exercising enough, judging others, etc, etc. Though I would make efforts at changing and would for a while, somehow, they have always returned, and my heart stayed at war, and I could not fully overcome my “natural man” tendencies as Paul speaks of in the New Testament.

I am not saying that I have fully overcome them now. But I am further down that path than I ever have been before. I am going through each day with peace. Things happen and conversations take place that threaten to take it away again, and the temptation is still there at times to fall into depressed ways of thinking and doing, or rushed, annoyed ones. But in those moments, I am stopping more often than not to “check” whether or not I feel His peace through the Spirit. And if I don't, then I “back up” a bit and usually pray or sing a hymn and then my feelings smooth over and peace returns. It is miraculous to me.

I have prayed for years to overcome some of these things and suddenly I am finding that they simply aren't there anymore! I would get stressed and want to eat something, usually sweet. Too many of my daily cares centered around pleasing other people in an unhealthy, perfectionist way. I was constantly in a hurry to “get to the next thing” on my list and as a result would often overlook the needs of others. Now, suddenly, because of many answered prayers for the pure love of Christ to transform and purify me, I am free! I am free to be who I truly am and want to be.

I am finding that I can speak calmly to my children when they are doing the same things that I used to raise my voice to. I am patient with things and people like never before. Even with very emotional issues that would have had me anxious for days and worrisome for weeks, I am able to find peace in doing what I can do and then giving the rest of the burden to the Lord, patiently waiting for His timing. I am not in a hurry all the time anymore, and if I have to be, it's not the end of my peace! I am living more “in the now” than ever, seizing the moments that can bring joy – tickling my kids and bouncing on the yoga ball with them and laughing when they sneak up on Daddy, chasing my toddler through the house when he gets that look in his eye and laughing like crazy with him when I catch him.

I know much of this is vague and probably not very easy to understand, but I am just so thankful for these changes the Lord has wrought in me. I finally really understand what a “mighty change of heart” is. And the amazing thing is that I thought I already understood it. I thought I knew what it was before now. But now that I am here, I see that I didn't. I hope that in the coming weeks, I will be able to better articulate what I have learned so that I can help others learn it, too.

One of my greatest sorrows now is seeing others in pain who do not understand how to partake of the Savior's healing power. The other is not knowing how to share it with them.

For now, I can at least recommend Sheri Dew's book, “If Life Were Easy, It Wouldn't Be Hard,” along with prayer and scripture study. The Recommended Reading List on my blog is also worth a look, and of course, the scriptures! They have gems of knowledge in them well worth searching for.

I suppose my main message to my readers today is one of Hope. Christ can change you! You can feel peace and joy every day of your lives! You can live! It is actually possible, even in the midst of great trial, if you turn to Him. He said, “Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me: for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light,” (Matthew 11:28-30). Stop trying to carry your burdens by yourself! Seek the healing power of Christ's Atonement now. Can you really afford to wait any longer before making the time to do this?

I wish I had sought Him more diligently long ago. But then again, I have been seeking Him for more than fifteen years, and He has taught me line upon line, a little here and little there, more so when I sought him sincerely, and not so much when I allowed myself to be distracted from Him. I believe He will continue to teach me for the rest of my life. I'm not perfect by any means. That's the whole point! I couldn't do it by myself, but the Lord is changing the things I've tried to change for years. I had to be tried; I had to be chastened and corrected, humbled and taught. I had to let Him change me. Let Him change you, too!