Strive Not for the Mastery, Forgive Yourself

I had a very humbling experience this week. I said something I should not have. I have done that lots of times. I've thought things about people that I shouldn't have. I've judged others and never said so out loud, but made them feel judged with my little comments and little actions here and there. I've always known I wasn't perfect. I have always said that out loud and believed it myself. But today, a part of the facade that is my self broke down a little further. A little more of my pride gave way to a little more humility.

I have this subconscious but desperate need to control as much as I can. Whether it's my scheduled life, my work, my children, my friends, my family, or the circumstances I find myself in, I like to feel like I'm in control. As long as I'm busying myself controlling other people and things (which takes a lot of energy since I can't actually do it), I don't have enough energy left for adequately meeting my own needs. So I have plenty of excuses when I am less than in control of myself.

Of course, I have only recently discovered this. It's quite enlightening to see yourself through a psychologist's eyes.

Today, I saw a nasty truth about myself: I am actually a pretty disrespectful person. All my efforts to become more Christlike and I still will do and say things that are just flat out disrespectful, inconsiderate, and selfish. I'm not sure why, but it does not come naturally to me to just enter into an interaction with a person and be completely considerate of their feelings the whole time. Like the Anatomy of Peace book says, I see too many people too often as objects rather than as real people with real needs and real feelings, just like me. Oh, I'm very good at acting the part, and even doing so out of a genuine desire to help you and do the Christlike charitable thing, but I'm not sure that all of my respectful actions don't have to be just a little bit forced. Maybe it's easier to understand if I say it this way: I do respectful things because I know I'm supposed to, not necessarily always because I deeply respect the people I'm talking to. Now if that's not opening up a vein on my blog, then I don't know what is! Yikes! I only bear my ugly soul to you when I think there might be someone out there whom it can actually help. Anyone? Anyone out there? Moving on...

I have this sort of tunnel vision when I am on a task, that I do not have time to stop long enough for niceties, I just need to get something done and I will blow by you in the process if I have to. I wonder why my daughter does certain things and I realize it's because I model it for her. Sigh.

Something sort of amazing happened today, though. When I admitted this to myself and the Lord, I was asking his forgiveness, and all these things I've been learning lately from James Jones started coming to me. About how I am a perfectionist because I have been trying to prove to myself and the world that I am okay. That I am not broken. He says that people try to focus on fixing everyone else because it is too painful for them to try to work on fixing themselves, because that would mean working through the pain of the past, or the pain of admitting failure. He says I have to forgive myself and realize that I am an okay person, even though I make mistakes. I have to somehow be okay with myself, even happy with myself, after years and years of meticulous self-criticism.

So all this was coming to me and for the first time since I heard his advice, I had a real life opportunity to apply it to my current situation. I was disrespectful of someone when I should have been compassionate. I felt guilty, but I decided I did not want to dwell on this all day. We had planned a special afternoon as a family at a farm with a pumpkin patch and I was determined not to let anything ruin the experience. So I spent an hour or so this morning in prayer, study and reflection to make sure my heart was at peace before we left. It took that long, and even longer as I began to write out my feelings. As I repented in prayer, I asked the Lord to take this seed of disrespect – no, this well grown vibrant chokeweed – and cast it out of my soul. I wept. I remembered many times when I was disrespectful – to my mother, to my sister, to my niece, to my daughter, to my husband, to perfect strangers when I cut in front of them to reach something I needed, or to friends when I can't even wait until they finish speaking before I say my part. It's like I've been walking around in my own little egocentric world, like an emotional five year old, where everything else revolves around me and I am blind to the needs of others!

I asked Him to remove this tendency from me, to help me to turn this weakness into a strength. Then I turned to James 3.

“My brethren, be not many masters.” (The footnote says teachers.)

Ok, so I should not be trying to give advice to everyone else and tell them what they should do. I should not be trying to school everyone about how they ought to live or perform. Control them. Another footnote gives a more clear translation: “Strive not for the mastery.”

This brought a new thought to me, and though it may not be what James intended, it spoke volumes to my heart. It was as though the Lord was saying to me: Tiffany, stop trying to be perfect. You are not. That is why I am here for you to help you. Stop trying to do it all on your own and partake of the Atoning sacrifice of the Savior. He will help you turn this weakness to strength, but you cannot be perfect now. Just accept that and forgive yourself.”

So I did.

I wept, and then I really forgave myself.

You don't realize how huge this is. Normally, I would dwell on this the entire day and let it completely ruin my experiences for days to come. I would have been melodramatic, needy and selfish, so consumed by my own drama that I would not have noticed the needs of others or at least I would have begrudged having to meet them. What bondage I would have placed myself in!

But I forgave myself. Doing so was perhaps the most liberating thing I've done … ever.

I wasn't just forgiving myself for this one infraction. This was the beginning of forgiving myself for not measuring up my entire life. This was the beginning of letting go of my workaholic and codependent tendencies. I had more energy today than I've had in years!

I will continue to pray for the Lord to purify me. For, there are those who I truly desire to help, because I love them deeply. I want to help them, though my efforts may come across as controlling and judgmental. I'm trying to change that.

More help comes from the beloved James, the brother of Jesus, when he wrote: “Who is a wise man and endued with knowledge among you? Let him shew out of a good conversation his works with meekness of wisdom. … The wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy. And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace.” (James 3: 13, 17, 18).

May the Lord first make me pure, that I might be peaceable, full of mercy and good fruits, including the fruit of a deep respect for all people, “which are made after the similitude of God” (James 3:9).

Line of Defense

This post comes to you after many tears have been shed. I have never had any professional counseling before. I never thought I needed that. Don't get me wrong, I've always thought I needed fixing, but I sought help from books instead. I have read parenting book after parenting book, spiritual book after spiritual book, self-help book after self-help book.

I am a writer and I have read more self-help books in the past five years than I have read fiction in the past ten. Is something wrong here?

Yes, something is deeply, shatteringly, unmistakably wrong inside me. But because I am learning about it, I know the Lord will help me to fix it. I was exercising today for the first time in months (finally feeling the gusto to take care of myself before taking care of everything else again...I was slipping back into my old ways, even after that “Love Thyself” post). As I was bobbing up and down on the elliptical, I heard a line in a song say, “your only line of defense.” I felt this surge of determination, that I was my only line of defense for myself, and I pushed the pedals harder.

Then I saw the picture of the Savior on the wall. An image came to my mind of me, here alone in my little world, working and pushing as hard as I could through this life, while all around me Satan's demons were trying to tempt me to choose to think and do the wrong thing. In between myself and them, there was a white-robed circle of angels, arms folded, standing guard. In their midst, right in front of me, strongest of them all, was Jesus Christ. He stood facing Satan with the utmost assurance on his face. He was wearing his red tunic and his strong arms were folded, too. He stared down at Satan as if to say, “I'm helping her; I'm here for her, and there is nothing you can do about it, so get thee hence.” Thankfully, I am not my only line of defense. I have an Elder Brother whose got my back.

You see, I've been listening to a set of seminars that accompanies yet another parenting book, called “Let's Fix the Kids,” by James Jones. I've been learning what codependency is and what proper boundaries are. I've been learning that somehow I seem to think that it is my job to save everybody else and to please them and to do for them what they should be able to do for themselves. I've been carrying around so much guilt for years and years – guilt for other people's choices! Guilt that if I had only done this or that, I could have helped them, I could have prevented this, I could have made them happier. Those of you who know me or are in my family – please don't think I'm writing this to single out any one person in my life. This applies to a whole slew of people in my life! It's quite frightening.

I cannot articulate all of the principles I'm learning right now, but I will try to do another post in the future once I have listened to all the CDs and really learned the material better to try to explain some of what he teaches. For now, I'm going to go try to live my own life and be me. And forgive myself.

Just when I thought the Lord had taught me so much...he goes and teaches me more than I've learned in years.

Hypocrisy Destroys Faith

Last weekend, a General Conference of the members of my church was held. Speakers from around the world shared messages that were inspired of God. As I listened, I began to string together some themes that seemed to be running through almost every talk. Be in tune with the Holy Ghost to give you divine guidance and personal direction. Follow God's living prophet. Several speakers said that mankind is meant “to act and not be acted upon” and that “wickedness never was happiness.” Several mentioned Satan's cunning methods as he tries to gradually drag us down to hell, especially through the influence of various media. I felt the overarching themes throughout the conference, however, were faith and purity, as well as raising our children in righteousness. Perhaps those are simply the themes that stood out to me.

Mary N. Cook spoke of how our actions influence our children's faith. She talked about being a good example and quoted Brigham Young, who said, “We should never permit ourselves to do anything that we are not willing to see our children do. We should set them an example that we wish them to imitate.” This very simple principle hit home to me partly because I have been remaking my parenting style, almost completely overhauling it actually. I've been learning that personal purity is so important in parenting. What message are you sending when you tell a child to do something and then do the opposite yourself? It makes your command to them seem more restrictive, for one thing. But more than that, it destroys your credibility with them. Your words become hollow attempts to control their behavior, not loving admonitions to help them be happier and avoid heartache. You lose the confidence of your children.

Elder D. Todd Christofferson said, “The Savior’s sternest rebukes were to hypocrites. Hypocrisy is terribly destructive, not only to the hypocrite but also to those who observe or know of his or her conduct, especially children. It is faith destroying.” Hypocrisy in parents can destroy the faith of a child!

Outward hypocrisy is really a reflection of inward impurity. The messages that hypocrisy sends are complex. Outwardly, it may seem that I am arrogant, and because I am an adult, I think I can abide by a different set of standards because I am all grown up now and I can do what I want. I don't have my parents around restricting me anymore and I am free to do anything I please. My children, however, haven't earned that privilege by growing up yet. It sends the message that when they grow up, they can do whatever they want. But this could not be further from the truth! Consequences always follow choices, good or bad, for adults and children. If we don't teach our children that, then they grow up thinking they can skate around God's eternal consequences, or be rescued from them, and that is simply not true.

Perhaps a more hidden message of hypocrisy goes back to self-love. If we do not love and respect ourselves enough to follow the standards we've set for our children, the standards we say we believe in, then we portray a very low self-image and self-esteem to them. They see it! They feel it! They know our hearts are not at peace with ourselves. It leaves them confused, and too often feeling the same way about themselves.

Our challenge is to go forward with faith, repent of our own hypocrisy and renew our efforts to live the values that we preach to our children. But this faith is not something that resides quietly in our hearts as we go about our hectic lives giving barely a moment to our relationship with God. I was taught during General Conference that having faith is a choice. It is something that must be sought after and developed through prayer and scripture study. Faith can remove a mountain of doubt and despair. But it requires action! Even just establishing simple righteous patterns, as Elder Lawrence taught, of daily family prayer and scripture study, weekly Family Home Evening, daily family dinner and frequent one-on-one interviews, can make a world of difference in building faith in Jesus Christ. Ultimately, we must work to seek out and understand what the Lord would have us do – to help ourselves, to help others, and to teach our children. Then stop making excuses not to do what we feel He wants us to do.

If you'd like to read more of the inspired messages shared in General Conference, be sure to visit www.lds.org.