How do I Fix This? I don't.

Friday was one of those almost perfect days.

Thursday was its absolute opposite. The Lord always tries to teach me a lesson with my hardship. He has set in place governing principles in this earth life such that no matter what I try, I cannot fully succeed in life without humbly seeking His divine help. He is so much wiser than me. You'd think I would have learned that by now.

Thursday, I was at my breaking point. Both kids were sick, with different illnesses. James was especially clingy all week. He had a stomach virus. Jesstyn became more cranky and testy by the day, with all the turmoil bothering everyone over James' state of being. This was not the only contribution however. Of course, my moods were hormonal - what a coincidence. I was not sleeping enough, exercising enough, or eating enough veggies. I was loose with my parenting and household running and trying to tackle what I thought was a really great curriculum plan for this week (one I stayed up Sunday night planning). As the sickness came, though, most of our plans were shot out of the water. I still pressed forward with trying to accomplish as much as I'd planned. I canceled outings, but went on with our home plan, not thinking the kids were sick enough to justify undoing school for the week.

As the week wore on, it became apparent that our school routine does not have enough of the right kind of structure. James has been unsatisfied and probably feeling neglected at times while I worked with Jesstyn and tried to keep him occupied.

I studied up on the recommendations from Rachel DeMille (Thomas Jefferson Education) and determined to move the TV out of the upstairs family room. All day Thursday, I wished for the TV to be gone, but did not want to try to lift it on my own. I was a wreck, emotionally fed up with the kids, my own parenting, or lack thereof, and frustrated with being cooped up all week and unable to go anywhere.

Thursday, I was at this breaking point and Jesstyn and I were having this confrontation during which I was struggling for the right words, but my tone was coming across disrespectfully. I was anything but calm. Finally, I said something like, “I know I haven't been a very good Mom today...” Jesstyn nodded in exasperation. Then with a shaky voice, she said, “I just want you to be a good mom. I don't want to have to wait. Can't you just … ?”

For a moment I was stunned. Then I began to weep as my daughter's words threw me full force out of the situation and cleared my head long enough for me to see a glimpse of how inappropriately I had been treating my children that day. Not that I was cold-hearted and callous, but I was fatally inconsistent with my discipline and expectations. The anger coming through my tone made it all worse. Anxiety had built up in my children and I was its source. Simply not knowing exactly what was expected from her in school and in our home, and then on top of that, having a whiny, inconsolable James running around making everything harder, was just too much for her. She was pressing the limits, trying to figure me out. (Actually James was perfectly consolable if I just stopped trying to poorly carry out my agenda and let him snuggle with me all day.) What a bad mothering moment.

I felt a small portion of what Moses felt after he saw a vision of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and all their creations, and coming back to himself, said, “Now … I know that man is nothing, which thing I never had supposed” (Moses 1:10).

So I wept and I told my daughter I was sorry. Then that sweet moment came when I saw that I had the opportunity to bear my testimony to my daughter about exactly why I was grateful that the Savior suffered and died for me, so that I could repent and become clean of the sins I had committed. Not only that, but I was extremely grateful for the principles of the gospel. I told her that I had not been exercising, or sleeping enough, praying and reading my scriptures enough, and in so doing had not taken care to obey the Lord's commandments. I was staying up late nightly, reading home school philosophies and recommendations, but I was not putting in enough time praying and studying the scriptures and seeking for divine help. I was only praying enough to check it off my list.

Thursday night, after putting the kids to bed, I knelt in prayer for a very long time. I repented and asked for help. After some time on my knees, I began to experience a feeling of peace enveloping my heart and soul. I felt that sweet comforting feeling that can only be brought by the great Comforter – the Holy Ghost. Then I stood and I went to work. For more than an hour, I rearranged home school supplies and toys, books and furniture. I created a preschool reading corner and job center, moved the TV out of what will now be our school area. All the while, I felt the comfort of the Spirit. Finally, I went to bed with hope. Friday morning, I awoke with fresh ideas pouring into me and wrote out a workable routine for school that would fully include James.

I knelt and thanked my Heavenly Father for his help. Then I stood and with a prayer in my heart that the final missing links would come to me, I gathered my children around me for our most successful home school day ever. Tears of gratitude are in my eyes as I write this. Songs and ideas sprang to my mind spontaneously throughout the day. It was not my putting in the effort that made the difference. It was being inspired by the Holy Spirit about exactly what it was I should put my efforts toward. All along, I'd been asking, “How do I fix this?” and not remembering that I don't.

The kids were feeling mostly better Friday, physically. Their emotional anxiety was virtually gone as well, because I was a confident mother with an inspired plan and the Spirit of God. I remembered what they were expected to do; I gave them consequences when they didn't do it. I was more of a rock for them today. Yesterday, my sandy foundation gave way under the storm. Today, it stood strong, thanks to the Rock of our Redeemer. The best part of all was testifying to Jesstyn that the reason I was a better mom and teacher today was because Jesus Christ helped me to be. I taught her what receiving “personal revelation” means and told her again how grateful I am for my Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost. Without them, I am nothing.

(Another 'best part' was the smile in James' eyes when he said, “This is for me?” when we introduced him to his reading corner.)

Now that was a great mothering moment.

Perfect Love

This morning, I had listened to part of Hour 4 of Nicholeen Peck's Audio Seminar. I went downstairs to work out for the first time in … a while. And before I got very far in, something really hit me. Or perhaps I should say, it lifted me.

I realized that I was experiencing a change of heart. I have always loved my family and many of my actions have been motivated by this love over the years. However, so many of the times I reacted to negative behavior with negative behavior of my own, I was motivated by anger and frustration, not love. Even after I began trying to implement Nicholeen's Self-Government system, I was focused on keeping my voice calm, not keeping the way my heart feels toward my children peaceful and loving.

I would think, “Just stay calm so they won't feel your anger” instead of “Be calm because you love them and you want to help these innocent souls learn how to govern themselves in a Christlike way.”

Yet I could not teach them what I did not know. I could not convey a feeling that I did not feel in that moment.

What lifted me this morning was a feeling of exhilaration and a deep release of anxiety. Finally, I am learning exactly how to love.

I am learning what love in action truly means and I feel this exhilaration that stems from the relief that I feel deep inside my soul that someone has finally shown me HOW to do it. I have been so insecure for years about my parenting and my abilities as a spouse and a friend, even as a Christian.

As I felt this exhilaration wash over me this morning, I realized that this is the relief of anxiety that has been with me since childhood. In fact, it is the very same anxiety that my children have felt because I wasn't showing them HOW to love correctly. They have this deep need to know how. Children want to do what is right, but they just don't know how and they need us to show, explain, and model it for them. As I teach my children this new way, their anxiety has begun to be relieved as well and I know that it will only blossom in the coming months as I get better at teaching them this way.

We lost our course for a while and it was because I wasn't figuring out how to govern myself. My own anger and frustration with their behavior and with my life in general was showing through and I was distracted by home school prep and other things in my life. Now that the distractions are clearing and I have time to focus on my family, I am trying to get it again.

I am now beginning to understand what Nicholeen Peck means when she talks about the “feeling in the home.” Is life in my home generally negative or is it happy and positive, filled with praise and love, and trust that the child will choose to do what is right if it is simply explained to them and they are given consistent consequences in a loving way?

My daughter has struggled for so long with anxiety over having others pay attention to her and being in front of a group of people. Other areas involving courage have also been a struggle – riding a bike, jumping off the diving board. She is beginning to conquer her fears now. It came to me as a piercing arrow of light to my heart one day when I was standing there and the scripture came to my mind: “Perfect love casteth out all fear.” I had taught it to her in terms of Christ's love, letting her know that His love would help her to be courageous. Suddenly it hit me that it was MY love shown to her through all these little interactions we were having each day, that would ultimately “unlock her courage” and cast out her fear.

How is she to feel Christ's love if she cannot feel it through me?

Feed my lambs, the Savior said. Show them His love through your actions. This brings true freedom to the soul. Happiness can blossom. Courage can grow. And that is what it is all about – freedom. Helping the child to feel free and also capable of governing herself because someone showed her how. I will be ever grateful to the Lord for guiding me to the sources that would teach me how and inspire in me a change of heart.

Remembering

So for the past month I have been wanting to blog about all the amazing joys I've experienced since I started home schooling. There have been SO many!! Truly, this is one of the best things I've ever done. I feel more fulfilled than ever, and I am taking great joy in watching my children learn and become great friends. Yet tonight, I was sitting here feeling defeated after one of the more trying days, maybe the most trying, since we began four weeks ago.

I won't bore you with the details of why – mostly, it had to do with waking up tired and attempting to introduce my two year old to Quiet Time in place of his Nap, then realizing (too late) that no one is ready for him to give up his nap, including him, and that I need to just shorten his naps rather than give them up altogether. The mounting frustration dampened my mothering skills. Add the rain and there you have a recipe for a difficult day in home school.

Just recently, I was telling someone that we are given our problems so that we can learn to turn to Jesus Christ to have help in solving, or at least enduring, them. Life has a funny way of testing me on whether or not I follow any of the advice that I dole out.

As I sat here, wondering what went wrong today, I realized that I had not sincerely turned to the Lord for help. Oh, there were a few small prayers throughout the day where I pled for His help and did receive strength to keep going, but they were brief and the results were short-lived before I returned to being put-out that things were not going very well. Had I truly remembered Him, His nature, and thought through how He might handle things, I would have knelt down on my knees and prayed much longer than a brief moment. I would have asked for His forgiveness sooner. I would have asked for more specific guidance and then waited reverently for His Spirit to fill me, and His answer to come. My attitude would have changed because of the power of His Atonement and I would have had a lovely afternoon after a tough morning instead of what I had.

What was I thinking? Well, I guess I wasn't much. I was too tossed about by the events of the day. I did not draw myself away and create a space for prayer and receiving His inspiration. Had I done so, even for fifteen minutes with a sincere heart, I would have seen Him change the tide of the day. I know, because He has done it for me many times before. How could I forget Him? Just two days ago, I partook of the bread and water and renewed my covenant to remember Him.

Tomorrow will be better. I know it.