How do I Fix This? I don't.

Friday was one of those almost perfect days.

Thursday was its absolute opposite. The Lord always tries to teach me a lesson with my hardship. He has set in place governing principles in this earth life such that no matter what I try, I cannot fully succeed in life without humbly seeking His divine help. He is so much wiser than me. You'd think I would have learned that by now.

Thursday, I was at my breaking point. Both kids were sick, with different illnesses. James was especially clingy all week. He had a stomach virus. Jesstyn became more cranky and testy by the day, with all the turmoil bothering everyone over James' state of being. This was not the only contribution however. Of course, my moods were hormonal - what a coincidence. I was not sleeping enough, exercising enough, or eating enough veggies. I was loose with my parenting and household running and trying to tackle what I thought was a really great curriculum plan for this week (one I stayed up Sunday night planning). As the sickness came, though, most of our plans were shot out of the water. I still pressed forward with trying to accomplish as much as I'd planned. I canceled outings, but went on with our home plan, not thinking the kids were sick enough to justify undoing school for the week.

As the week wore on, it became apparent that our school routine does not have enough of the right kind of structure. James has been unsatisfied and probably feeling neglected at times while I worked with Jesstyn and tried to keep him occupied.

I studied up on the recommendations from Rachel DeMille (Thomas Jefferson Education) and determined to move the TV out of the upstairs family room. All day Thursday, I wished for the TV to be gone, but did not want to try to lift it on my own. I was a wreck, emotionally fed up with the kids, my own parenting, or lack thereof, and frustrated with being cooped up all week and unable to go anywhere.

Thursday, I was at this breaking point and Jesstyn and I were having this confrontation during which I was struggling for the right words, but my tone was coming across disrespectfully. I was anything but calm. Finally, I said something like, “I know I haven't been a very good Mom today...” Jesstyn nodded in exasperation. Then with a shaky voice, she said, “I just want you to be a good mom. I don't want to have to wait. Can't you just … ?”

For a moment I was stunned. Then I began to weep as my daughter's words threw me full force out of the situation and cleared my head long enough for me to see a glimpse of how inappropriately I had been treating my children that day. Not that I was cold-hearted and callous, but I was fatally inconsistent with my discipline and expectations. The anger coming through my tone made it all worse. Anxiety had built up in my children and I was its source. Simply not knowing exactly what was expected from her in school and in our home, and then on top of that, having a whiny, inconsolable James running around making everything harder, was just too much for her. She was pressing the limits, trying to figure me out. (Actually James was perfectly consolable if I just stopped trying to poorly carry out my agenda and let him snuggle with me all day.) What a bad mothering moment.

I felt a small portion of what Moses felt after he saw a vision of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and all their creations, and coming back to himself, said, “Now … I know that man is nothing, which thing I never had supposed” (Moses 1:10).

So I wept and I told my daughter I was sorry. Then that sweet moment came when I saw that I had the opportunity to bear my testimony to my daughter about exactly why I was grateful that the Savior suffered and died for me, so that I could repent and become clean of the sins I had committed. Not only that, but I was extremely grateful for the principles of the gospel. I told her that I had not been exercising, or sleeping enough, praying and reading my scriptures enough, and in so doing had not taken care to obey the Lord's commandments. I was staying up late nightly, reading home school philosophies and recommendations, but I was not putting in enough time praying and studying the scriptures and seeking for divine help. I was only praying enough to check it off my list.

Thursday night, after putting the kids to bed, I knelt in prayer for a very long time. I repented and asked for help. After some time on my knees, I began to experience a feeling of peace enveloping my heart and soul. I felt that sweet comforting feeling that can only be brought by the great Comforter – the Holy Ghost. Then I stood and I went to work. For more than an hour, I rearranged home school supplies and toys, books and furniture. I created a preschool reading corner and job center, moved the TV out of what will now be our school area. All the while, I felt the comfort of the Spirit. Finally, I went to bed with hope. Friday morning, I awoke with fresh ideas pouring into me and wrote out a workable routine for school that would fully include James.

I knelt and thanked my Heavenly Father for his help. Then I stood and with a prayer in my heart that the final missing links would come to me, I gathered my children around me for our most successful home school day ever. Tears of gratitude are in my eyes as I write this. Songs and ideas sprang to my mind spontaneously throughout the day. It was not my putting in the effort that made the difference. It was being inspired by the Holy Spirit about exactly what it was I should put my efforts toward. All along, I'd been asking, “How do I fix this?” and not remembering that I don't.

The kids were feeling mostly better Friday, physically. Their emotional anxiety was virtually gone as well, because I was a confident mother with an inspired plan and the Spirit of God. I remembered what they were expected to do; I gave them consequences when they didn't do it. I was more of a rock for them today. Yesterday, my sandy foundation gave way under the storm. Today, it stood strong, thanks to the Rock of our Redeemer. The best part of all was testifying to Jesstyn that the reason I was a better mom and teacher today was because Jesus Christ helped me to be. I taught her what receiving “personal revelation” means and told her again how grateful I am for my Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost. Without them, I am nothing.

(Another 'best part' was the smile in James' eyes when he said, “This is for me?” when we introduced him to his reading corner.)

Now that was a great mothering moment.