Perfect Love

This morning, I had listened to part of Hour 4 of Nicholeen Peck's Audio Seminar. I went downstairs to work out for the first time in … a while. And before I got very far in, something really hit me. Or perhaps I should say, it lifted me.

I realized that I was experiencing a change of heart. I have always loved my family and many of my actions have been motivated by this love over the years. However, so many of the times I reacted to negative behavior with negative behavior of my own, I was motivated by anger and frustration, not love. Even after I began trying to implement Nicholeen's Self-Government system, I was focused on keeping my voice calm, not keeping the way my heart feels toward my children peaceful and loving.

I would think, “Just stay calm so they won't feel your anger” instead of “Be calm because you love them and you want to help these innocent souls learn how to govern themselves in a Christlike way.”

Yet I could not teach them what I did not know. I could not convey a feeling that I did not feel in that moment.

What lifted me this morning was a feeling of exhilaration and a deep release of anxiety. Finally, I am learning exactly how to love.

I am learning what love in action truly means and I feel this exhilaration that stems from the relief that I feel deep inside my soul that someone has finally shown me HOW to do it. I have been so insecure for years about my parenting and my abilities as a spouse and a friend, even as a Christian.

As I felt this exhilaration wash over me this morning, I realized that this is the relief of anxiety that has been with me since childhood. In fact, it is the very same anxiety that my children have felt because I wasn't showing them HOW to love correctly. They have this deep need to know how. Children want to do what is right, but they just don't know how and they need us to show, explain, and model it for them. As I teach my children this new way, their anxiety has begun to be relieved as well and I know that it will only blossom in the coming months as I get better at teaching them this way.

We lost our course for a while and it was because I wasn't figuring out how to govern myself. My own anger and frustration with their behavior and with my life in general was showing through and I was distracted by home school prep and other things in my life. Now that the distractions are clearing and I have time to focus on my family, I am trying to get it again.

I am now beginning to understand what Nicholeen Peck means when she talks about the “feeling in the home.” Is life in my home generally negative or is it happy and positive, filled with praise and love, and trust that the child will choose to do what is right if it is simply explained to them and they are given consistent consequences in a loving way?

My daughter has struggled for so long with anxiety over having others pay attention to her and being in front of a group of people. Other areas involving courage have also been a struggle – riding a bike, jumping off the diving board. She is beginning to conquer her fears now. It came to me as a piercing arrow of light to my heart one day when I was standing there and the scripture came to my mind: “Perfect love casteth out all fear.” I had taught it to her in terms of Christ's love, letting her know that His love would help her to be courageous. Suddenly it hit me that it was MY love shown to her through all these little interactions we were having each day, that would ultimately “unlock her courage” and cast out her fear.

How is she to feel Christ's love if she cannot feel it through me?

Feed my lambs, the Savior said. Show them His love through your actions. This brings true freedom to the soul. Happiness can blossom. Courage can grow. And that is what it is all about – freedom. Helping the child to feel free and also capable of governing herself because someone showed her how. I will be ever grateful to the Lord for guiding me to the sources that would teach me how and inspire in me a change of heart.