Line of Defense

This post comes to you after many tears have been shed. I have never had any professional counseling before. I never thought I needed that. Don't get me wrong, I've always thought I needed fixing, but I sought help from books instead. I have read parenting book after parenting book, spiritual book after spiritual book, self-help book after self-help book.

I am a writer and I have read more self-help books in the past five years than I have read fiction in the past ten. Is something wrong here?

Yes, something is deeply, shatteringly, unmistakably wrong inside me. But because I am learning about it, I know the Lord will help me to fix it. I was exercising today for the first time in months (finally feeling the gusto to take care of myself before taking care of everything else again...I was slipping back into my old ways, even after that “Love Thyself” post). As I was bobbing up and down on the elliptical, I heard a line in a song say, “your only line of defense.” I felt this surge of determination, that I was my only line of defense for myself, and I pushed the pedals harder.

Then I saw the picture of the Savior on the wall. An image came to my mind of me, here alone in my little world, working and pushing as hard as I could through this life, while all around me Satan's demons were trying to tempt me to choose to think and do the wrong thing. In between myself and them, there was a white-robed circle of angels, arms folded, standing guard. In their midst, right in front of me, strongest of them all, was Jesus Christ. He stood facing Satan with the utmost assurance on his face. He was wearing his red tunic and his strong arms were folded, too. He stared down at Satan as if to say, “I'm helping her; I'm here for her, and there is nothing you can do about it, so get thee hence.” Thankfully, I am not my only line of defense. I have an Elder Brother whose got my back.

You see, I've been listening to a set of seminars that accompanies yet another parenting book, called “Let's Fix the Kids,” by James Jones. I've been learning what codependency is and what proper boundaries are. I've been learning that somehow I seem to think that it is my job to save everybody else and to please them and to do for them what they should be able to do for themselves. I've been carrying around so much guilt for years and years – guilt for other people's choices! Guilt that if I had only done this or that, I could have helped them, I could have prevented this, I could have made them happier. Those of you who know me or are in my family – please don't think I'm writing this to single out any one person in my life. This applies to a whole slew of people in my life! It's quite frightening.

I cannot articulate all of the principles I'm learning right now, but I will try to do another post in the future once I have listened to all the CDs and really learned the material better to try to explain some of what he teaches. For now, I'm going to go try to live my own life and be me. And forgive myself.

Just when I thought the Lord had taught me so much...he goes and teaches me more than I've learned in years.