Born Again

I've been experiencing a total spiritual renewal over the past week or so, though it has been coming in stages for several months. I can testify that if we allow our trials to help us grow, we will be strengthened by them. When life is hard, I often ask myself, “Why?” in the sense of “What is God trying to teach me, here?” This past year of my life has been filled with trials and emotional turmoil. I wrote a post back in November entitled, “Chains Breaking, Shackles Falling,” and now I am truly feeling the next set of chains breaking away from me. By chains, I mean the ones Satan had wrapped around me so subtly that I did not even know they were there at first.

My last two posts have talked about having faith and praying for charity. Well, I've been doing this. I've been praying that the Lord would transform my heart with His love. With the help of new tools with which to perceive life (ie Sheri Dew's books and James J. Jones' CDs and book), I am more understanding of the emotional baggage I've chosen to pick up and can choose to set down, as well as codependency and healthy boundaries. That, along with my trials, was sort of like the foundation for this change in me. What is bringing it to fruition is sincere daily prayer, morning and night (and lots of times mid-day), pleading with the Lord to change me, as well as daily scripture study and messages I hear at church. Doing all of these things has brought the Holy Ghost into my presence. Now that I know the peace He can give, I realize how much my heart has been at war all this time...without me even realizing it sometimes.

What's amazing is that things around me are not changing. My circumstances have not changed much. My responsibilities have not lessened. My long to-do list hasn't gotten much shorter. People are still the same, mostly. But because I chose to Believe that Christ truly can heal my heart and bring me peace, it is here. This is hard to explain, because I have believed in Christ all my life. I've even had several other times of great spiritual renewal. I've known times of peace. But the habits I wanted to change always came back. The negative attitudes, the perfectionism, eating poorly, not sleeping or exercising enough, judging others, etc, etc. Though I would make efforts at changing and would for a while, somehow, they have always returned, and my heart stayed at war, and I could not fully overcome my “natural man” tendencies as Paul speaks of in the New Testament.

I am not saying that I have fully overcome them now. But I am further down that path than I ever have been before. I am going through each day with peace. Things happen and conversations take place that threaten to take it away again, and the temptation is still there at times to fall into depressed ways of thinking and doing, or rushed, annoyed ones. But in those moments, I am stopping more often than not to “check” whether or not I feel His peace through the Spirit. And if I don't, then I “back up” a bit and usually pray or sing a hymn and then my feelings smooth over and peace returns. It is miraculous to me.

I have prayed for years to overcome some of these things and suddenly I am finding that they simply aren't there anymore! I would get stressed and want to eat something, usually sweet. Too many of my daily cares centered around pleasing other people in an unhealthy, perfectionist way. I was constantly in a hurry to “get to the next thing” on my list and as a result would often overlook the needs of others. Now, suddenly, because of many answered prayers for the pure love of Christ to transform and purify me, I am free! I am free to be who I truly am and want to be.

I am finding that I can speak calmly to my children when they are doing the same things that I used to raise my voice to. I am patient with things and people like never before. Even with very emotional issues that would have had me anxious for days and worrisome for weeks, I am able to find peace in doing what I can do and then giving the rest of the burden to the Lord, patiently waiting for His timing. I am not in a hurry all the time anymore, and if I have to be, it's not the end of my peace! I am living more “in the now” than ever, seizing the moments that can bring joy – tickling my kids and bouncing on the yoga ball with them and laughing when they sneak up on Daddy, chasing my toddler through the house when he gets that look in his eye and laughing like crazy with him when I catch him.

I know much of this is vague and probably not very easy to understand, but I am just so thankful for these changes the Lord has wrought in me. I finally really understand what a “mighty change of heart” is. And the amazing thing is that I thought I already understood it. I thought I knew what it was before now. But now that I am here, I see that I didn't. I hope that in the coming weeks, I will be able to better articulate what I have learned so that I can help others learn it, too.

One of my greatest sorrows now is seeing others in pain who do not understand how to partake of the Savior's healing power. The other is not knowing how to share it with them.

For now, I can at least recommend Sheri Dew's book, “If Life Were Easy, It Wouldn't Be Hard,” along with prayer and scripture study. The Recommended Reading List on my blog is also worth a look, and of course, the scriptures! They have gems of knowledge in them well worth searching for.

I suppose my main message to my readers today is one of Hope. Christ can change you! You can feel peace and joy every day of your lives! You can live! It is actually possible, even in the midst of great trial, if you turn to Him. He said, “Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me: for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light,” (Matthew 11:28-30). Stop trying to carry your burdens by yourself! Seek the healing power of Christ's Atonement now. Can you really afford to wait any longer before making the time to do this?

I wish I had sought Him more diligently long ago. But then again, I have been seeking Him for more than fifteen years, and He has taught me line upon line, a little here and little there, more so when I sought him sincerely, and not so much when I allowed myself to be distracted from Him. I believe He will continue to teach me for the rest of my life. I'm not perfect by any means. That's the whole point! I couldn't do it by myself, but the Lord is changing the things I've tried to change for years. I had to be tried; I had to be chastened and corrected, humbled and taught. I had to let Him change me. Let Him change you, too!