The Quiet of a Storm, Part II

Today, I share a personal story that is an example of the Lord's love and wisdom. He has awesome capacity to perform miracles in our lives, even when an unexpected outcome is not what the world would think might be best.

In October, Heath and I found out we were expecting. This was entirely unexpected. What was even more unexpected were the feelings of exhilaration and excitement I had upon finding out. My son was only 21 months old at the time. I had some concerns, and I was still sort of in denial when I went to the doctor at six weeks, but when I saw the tiny heartbeat, I smiled and began to really embrace the idea. Still, I tried to keep myself at least a little detached, waiting for week twelve to get here before I made any announcements or pulled out any maternity clothes. Yet I could not help but begin to feel excited, especially about telling Jesstyn. Sadly, on Saturday, November 12th, I began to bleed. The doctor said to wait until Monday to come in unless the bleeding was really heavy.

I knelt in prayer and poured out my heart, pleading with the Lord to save the pregnancy if that is what would be best for us at this time. Nevertheless, I acknowledged that He can see our lives more clearly than I can and I expressed my willingness to accept any outcome, knowing that He would not give me any trial I could not bear. I closed my prayer and rested for a while.

Though the outcome was still unknown, I think I spent part of Sunday submitting to the belief that I was miscarrying. Though the bleeding had subsided, it did not stop. I came to understand that this would likely be a loss and began preparing myself to have that confirmed on Monday. Although many feelings of sorrow came to me, something else came with them: powerful love and gratitude for my husband and two children. Pure joy and a cherished vision of each of them came to my eyes anew. I knew that the Lord wanted me to carry away these new visions from this experience. So I was really already at peace about it before I heard the news. We scheduled the D&C for Wednesday, Nov 16th. The feelings of joy have continued after the surgery as I cherish the time I have with my children and look forward to playing with them more than I did before. In particular, a much stronger bond has formed between myself and my son, James.

When Jesstyn was born, she was the granting of a very long and drawn out desire to have a child of our very own. We miscarried once before she was conceived. I am seeing now that our two miscarriages are mirror images of one another emotionally. I have often thanked the Lord for the strong bond I formed with my daughter during her first year of life. It was filled with some of the most intensely joyful feelings I have ever felt. Because of the first miscarriage, I deeply desired to enjoy every single moment of mothering my first baby. And I took the time to do it.

When James was born, however, there were many more difficulties associated with his birth and first year that left me feeling emotionally detached from him. I longed for the same feelings of exhilaration that came with baby Jesstyn, but they were only there in fleeting moments. It seemed that I could not relate to this little boy as well, or that I was not capable of devoting as much of myself to him. Now, with the passing of another miscarriage, the Lord has taken my heart and stitched it together with my son's and we are knit together as closely as we ever could have been. My eyes are open wider to see the joy in his eyes as he discovers new things and masters new skills each day.

My husband and I have grown closer through all of this as well. I know that it is not easy to pass through the loss of a child, unborn or not. I know that everyone's experience is different. I do not wish to belittle anyone's sorrow, for I know that there are many experiences much, much worse than mine. I just can't help but share how this experience, for me, has strengthened my faith in the Lord. He does know our needs. He knows what will help us grow. Someone said in church one Sunday that the Lord loves us enough to allow us to hurt so that we can grow and become better from it. I know He knows what is best.

I must say that through all of this, my perspective and pain would have been much worse if I did not have the light of the gospel of Jesus Christ in my heart. My surgery happened on the 14th anniversary of my baptism into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I cannot think that this is mere coincidence. Because of this Church, I know that this life is a test of our faith. I know that the Lord loves me and would not allow me to pass through anything I could not handle, as long as I rely on Him for help. I know that He intends for me to learn from my experiences. I also know that families can be together forever and that our relationships in families will endure beyond this lifetime. I know that there will be opportunity for me to have more children in the future, whether immediate or in eternity. Knowing all this as well as having the Gift of the Holy Ghost to guide me, and being a woman who has made covenants with the Lord, all work together to help me through trials such as these. So I will not allow my loss to place any seeds of doubt about whether or not there is a God or whether or not He cares for me. On the contrary, the blessings that have come to us because of this loss are proof to me that God does exist and that He is very active in our lives in trying to orchestrate experiences that will make not only us, but our families, better and happier.

Lately, it seems as though we, as well as our extended family, have been bombarded with trials all at once. As I've pondered this, I remembered the snowstorm I wrote about two years ago. A weekend that was to be filled with the hectic frenzy of the holidays turned out to be a quiet, cherished weekend enjoying my husband and daughter. Now it seems as though our family has entered a snowstorm of trials and I can't help but wonder whether the Lord is trying to help us to be quiet and still, and know that He is God and there is still much joy to be found in this life.