Does anyone else ever just feel like a “stuff manager?” Today was the first chance I had to organize since the annual flood of Christmas (plus one birthday) toys into our home. I threw away broken princess crowns, put all the dress-up stuff in the dress-up bin, and stored away baby toys that my toddler is now past. That last one was the heart-breaker.
As I sorted through toys that both my daughter, who is now 6, and my son, 2, had played with, memories of laughter and giggles came with some toys. Others only brought that surge of mother-guilt that comes to me when I realize I never did even take the time to teach my child how a particular toy worked or the appropriate way to play with it. Like that little plastic butterfly with the tiles in the middle that make noise when you flip them over. I never taught James that you can flip them each over in such a way that they make one bigger picture to look at, like a puzzle.
Some of our large collection of toys comes from the fact that we have a great many extended family members who shower gifts on the children at holiday time. Yet I have to admit that much of it comes from me, their mother, who loves to shower them with gifts as well. Somehow, getting something new to play with just says “I love you” to me. If you've ever read “The Five Love Languages,” you will know what I mean when I say one of my love languages is gifts. It doesn't have to be expensive; it can be as simple as a handwritten note, but the tangible, to me, is a symbol of the love that went into it.
Unfortunately, as the pile of guilt-producing toys grew larger than the memory-producing ones, I realized that a child's central source of joy over a toy is that someone else took the time to join with him as he played with it. What a shame to have a house filled with toys, but very little joys to remember them by. The same thing is true of all relationships, not just those with our children. What good is an Ipod if no one will dance to the music with me?
Tomorrow, I am calling my daughter away from her typical past time (art) to join with me and James in a great big party – complete with the tea set her Great-Grandma Leigh gave her and seats for each stuffed animal.
Showing posts with label children. Show all posts
Showing posts with label children. Show all posts
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Protecting Our Children
I wanted to have some fun with my daughter in our pool one last time before we close it this year. I grabbed the inner-tube around her waist and starting pulling her in a circle around me in the water. She shrieked with laughter and her eyes sparkled. As I whirled her around again and again, I kept a close eye on the edge of the pool beside us. If I got too close to it in my turning, I could have cracked her head on the hard concrete. Joy swelled in my heart as I felt how much I love her and want her to do well in life. As I laughed with her, a thought crystallized.
It comes naturally to me as her mother to want to protect her from physical harm. I would never dream of intentionally hurting her physically. As many of you, I would even risk my life to protect hers. As soon as she looks at the stove, I warn her that it's hot. Before she hops on the jumping ball in front of the stairs, I tell her of the danger.
But do I give the same careful attention to the need to protect my daughter spiritually? Morally? When my daughter sees me cooking, she wants to help. She wants to do what I do. Deeper than that, it just comes naturally to her to imitate what I do. Even if it is something she's been taught is wrong. Children are innocent. They are not accountable for their choices until age eight. In my faith, that is when they are baptized. I have to keep reminding myself of that when my daughter cops an attitude with me. When I stop to think about it, the first time she talked back to me was long before preschool, so I could not blame friend influence for that one. Nope, I had to admit it: She was speaking to me in an exact replica of the tone I used with her when she was doing something I did not approve of. Wow.
Having a family is part of Heavenly Father's plan for us on the earth. No wonder! Being responsible for a child, or just within a child's circle of influence, as a teacher, aunt, or babysitter, is a humbling experience. There is no more effective method for pointing out one's own hypocrisies than with a child who imitates your every action, or who calls you out on your inconsistencies.
Of course, some lessons they have to learn on their own. Sometimes children heed our warnings and avoid touching the hot stove for fear of getting burned. But usually, they have to gain some concept of what “burned” means before they will heed.
A parenting book I read said that consistency is the single most important element of parenting. Mixed messages from parents are some of the most detrimental spiritual and moral messages we can send. If we say one thing and do another, it is just as bad as saying “I'll protect you,” and then cracking their head into the edge of the swimming pool (which thankfully I did not do yesterday). When they are a crying mess afterward, (after the immoral choice they made, for example), what do we say? Oops. I didn't mean to. I'm sorry. It's not my fault. I tried to avoid this pain for you. I tried to tell you. I told you so.
But telling is not enough.
We have to show our children that we can live by the same morals and values we require of them. Or else they get some mixed message that it is impossible to live a morally clean, righteous life. It's impossible to treat others with respect during conflict, etc. Of course, we can't be perfect. And when we make a mistake, as parents, we have to own up to it in front of our children. What good does it do if our children watch their mom and dad have a fight, but never see them apologize and make up with each other? None. You just taught them how to fight. What good does it do for us to tell our children anything, really, if we are doing the opposite?
My intent is not to stir up extra loads of mother-guilt, here, for I know we all have more than enough of that to go around. Children have to be allowed to make their own choices as they grow. Today, we went to the park and I watched my daughter ride away from me on her bike (with training wheels). She was cautious, but she was faster than me and I could not always be right beside her. When I watched her come up on what could be a dangerous situation, I was nervous for her. I thought, “come on, you can do it. Don't fall. Steer yourself right.” I couldn't do it for her. I couldn't catch her. I couldn't shout instructions from twenty feet away. I had to rely on her self-direction.
I don't have time to go back and make sure my blog post makes flowing sense. I hope it does to you. I'll just end with these quotes, which say it better than I can.
President Harold B. Lee said the most important work you do will be within the walls of your own home.
Elder Russell M. Ballard said, “Love your mother.... Respect her. Listen to her. Trust her. She has your best interests at heart. She cares about your eternal safety and happiness. So be kind to her. Be patient with her imperfections, for she has them. We all do. Now may I share a few thoughts with you mothers about the special role you play in your daughters’ lives. We have a family friend who travels often with members of her extended family. Her primary observation after each trip is how much the young women behave like their mothers. If the mothers are thrifty, so are their daughters. If the mothers are modest, so are the girls... Mothers, your example is extremely important to your daughters—even if they don’t acknowledge it.
“Throughout the history of the world, women have always been teachers of moral values. That instruction begins in the cradle and continues throughout the lives of their children. Today our society is bombarded with messages about womanhood and motherhood that are dangerously and wickedly wrong. Following these messages can put your daughters on the path to sin and self-destruction. Your daughters may not understand that unless you tell them or, better, unless you show them how to make good choices. As mothers in Israel, you are your daughters’ first line of defense against the wiles of the world.”
It comes naturally to me as her mother to want to protect her from physical harm. I would never dream of intentionally hurting her physically. As many of you, I would even risk my life to protect hers. As soon as she looks at the stove, I warn her that it's hot. Before she hops on the jumping ball in front of the stairs, I tell her of the danger.
But do I give the same careful attention to the need to protect my daughter spiritually? Morally? When my daughter sees me cooking, she wants to help. She wants to do what I do. Deeper than that, it just comes naturally to her to imitate what I do. Even if it is something she's been taught is wrong. Children are innocent. They are not accountable for their choices until age eight. In my faith, that is when they are baptized. I have to keep reminding myself of that when my daughter cops an attitude with me. When I stop to think about it, the first time she talked back to me was long before preschool, so I could not blame friend influence for that one. Nope, I had to admit it: She was speaking to me in an exact replica of the tone I used with her when she was doing something I did not approve of. Wow.
Having a family is part of Heavenly Father's plan for us on the earth. No wonder! Being responsible for a child, or just within a child's circle of influence, as a teacher, aunt, or babysitter, is a humbling experience. There is no more effective method for pointing out one's own hypocrisies than with a child who imitates your every action, or who calls you out on your inconsistencies.
Of course, some lessons they have to learn on their own. Sometimes children heed our warnings and avoid touching the hot stove for fear of getting burned. But usually, they have to gain some concept of what “burned” means before they will heed.
A parenting book I read said that consistency is the single most important element of parenting. Mixed messages from parents are some of the most detrimental spiritual and moral messages we can send. If we say one thing and do another, it is just as bad as saying “I'll protect you,” and then cracking their head into the edge of the swimming pool (which thankfully I did not do yesterday). When they are a crying mess afterward, (after the immoral choice they made, for example), what do we say? Oops. I didn't mean to. I'm sorry. It's not my fault. I tried to avoid this pain for you. I tried to tell you. I told you so.
But telling is not enough.
We have to show our children that we can live by the same morals and values we require of them. Or else they get some mixed message that it is impossible to live a morally clean, righteous life. It's impossible to treat others with respect during conflict, etc. Of course, we can't be perfect. And when we make a mistake, as parents, we have to own up to it in front of our children. What good does it do if our children watch their mom and dad have a fight, but never see them apologize and make up with each other? None. You just taught them how to fight. What good does it do for us to tell our children anything, really, if we are doing the opposite?
My intent is not to stir up extra loads of mother-guilt, here, for I know we all have more than enough of that to go around. Children have to be allowed to make their own choices as they grow. Today, we went to the park and I watched my daughter ride away from me on her bike (with training wheels). She was cautious, but she was faster than me and I could not always be right beside her. When I watched her come up on what could be a dangerous situation, I was nervous for her. I thought, “come on, you can do it. Don't fall. Steer yourself right.” I couldn't do it for her. I couldn't catch her. I couldn't shout instructions from twenty feet away. I had to rely on her self-direction.
I don't have time to go back and make sure my blog post makes flowing sense. I hope it does to you. I'll just end with these quotes, which say it better than I can.
President Harold B. Lee said the most important work you do will be within the walls of your own home.
Elder Russell M. Ballard said, “Love your mother.... Respect her. Listen to her. Trust her. She has your best interests at heart. She cares about your eternal safety and happiness. So be kind to her. Be patient with her imperfections, for she has them. We all do. Now may I share a few thoughts with you mothers about the special role you play in your daughters’ lives. We have a family friend who travels often with members of her extended family. Her primary observation after each trip is how much the young women behave like their mothers. If the mothers are thrifty, so are their daughters. If the mothers are modest, so are the girls... Mothers, your example is extremely important to your daughters—even if they don’t acknowledge it.
“Throughout the history of the world, women have always been teachers of moral values. That instruction begins in the cradle and continues throughout the lives of their children. Today our society is bombarded with messages about womanhood and motherhood that are dangerously and wickedly wrong. Following these messages can put your daughters on the path to sin and self-destruction. Your daughters may not understand that unless you tell them or, better, unless you show them how to make good choices. As mothers in Israel, you are your daughters’ first line of defense against the wiles of the world.”
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Parents, Children, and Christlike Love
It is sad to me that so many parent/child relationships end up in shambles when the child reaches adulthood. Pondering this has caused me to wonder whether I am already doing things that are leading my daughter toward the can't-wait-to-get-away-from-my-parents attitude so many teenagers have. Our family is focusing on Respect this month and I have begun to realize just how disrespectfully I speak to my daughter at times.
Too often, we are our own worst selves when in the presence of family members because they are the ones with whom we feel the most comfortable. This is unfortunate because these are the people we should treat with the most respect and the best manners of all.
I've wondered what causes this bitter annoyance or resentment that many people have for their parents. Perhaps one of the causes is the basic nature of the relationship. Other than marriage, it is the most challenging relationship in this life in terms of treating one another in a Christlike manner.
We grow up from infancy with our moms and dads. We observe them in every life situation. We see their reactions, attitudes, hypocrisies and flaws. Other than a spouse, there is no other person about whom we know so much. We know their flaws, mistakes, and sins all too well. Unfortunately, we may not have grown up seeing or hearing any of the regret they felt for their mistakes. I think of the times I mentally scold myself for saying one thing and doing another in front of my daughter. She does not hear my mental scolding; she only hears what I say and sees what I do.
The scriptures say, “Of you it is required to forgive all” and “Judge not lest ye be judged.” These relationships in which so many of a person's flaws are blatantly visible create one of the ultimate tests of our faith in this life.
Will we forgive our parents for the flaws we've seen in them for a lifetime and treat them with kindness? Will we willingly serve them with the same Christlike, respectful attitude with which we serve those who are our neighbors, but perhaps are not as familiar to us?
I hope I can improve and show more respect to all of my family members. I've found that the more communicating and seeking to understand I try to do, the better able I am to treat my family members with Christlike love. Families are part of God's plan for our lives. When we face Him in the end, I feel that the way we have handled our family relationships will be very high on the list of things to be reviewed.
Too often, we are our own worst selves when in the presence of family members because they are the ones with whom we feel the most comfortable. This is unfortunate because these are the people we should treat with the most respect and the best manners of all.
I've wondered what causes this bitter annoyance or resentment that many people have for their parents. Perhaps one of the causes is the basic nature of the relationship. Other than marriage, it is the most challenging relationship in this life in terms of treating one another in a Christlike manner.
We grow up from infancy with our moms and dads. We observe them in every life situation. We see their reactions, attitudes, hypocrisies and flaws. Other than a spouse, there is no other person about whom we know so much. We know their flaws, mistakes, and sins all too well. Unfortunately, we may not have grown up seeing or hearing any of the regret they felt for their mistakes. I think of the times I mentally scold myself for saying one thing and doing another in front of my daughter. She does not hear my mental scolding; she only hears what I say and sees what I do.
The scriptures say, “Of you it is required to forgive all” and “Judge not lest ye be judged.” These relationships in which so many of a person's flaws are blatantly visible create one of the ultimate tests of our faith in this life.
Will we forgive our parents for the flaws we've seen in them for a lifetime and treat them with kindness? Will we willingly serve them with the same Christlike, respectful attitude with which we serve those who are our neighbors, but perhaps are not as familiar to us?
I hope I can improve and show more respect to all of my family members. I've found that the more communicating and seeking to understand I try to do, the better able I am to treat my family members with Christlike love. Families are part of God's plan for our lives. When we face Him in the end, I feel that the way we have handled our family relationships will be very high on the list of things to be reviewed.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Time Marches On
I recently attended church in a place I have not been for about seven years. Two years before I left there, I taught a sweet little six-year-old girl who knew all the answers to gospel questions and was amazingly sensitive to spiritual things. As I sat in the congregation, I realized that the beautiful young woman conducting the music was this little girl from my class! I was overwhelmed with joy and love for her and so proud to see her up front, conducting herself so reverently. I smiled brightly at her and she smiled back. After the meeting, I wanted to give her a big, heartfelt hug – I was nearly crying! I asked her if she remembered me.
She said, “No, I’m sorry,” with a polite but blank look on her face.
Something changes in the way you see yourself and the passage of time when things like that happen. Sigh. I’ll be turning thirty this year.
I recently came back into contact with some good friends who have a large family and found myself wondering how well the children would remember me.
It brought into focus a new aspect of adult and childhood for me. Many of you, I’m sure, have already figured this out. (I’m a little slow sometimes.) We grow into adults who have many experiences knowing, loving, teaching, and raising beautiful children. We have memory after memory stored up of these small people. But when they are all grown up, they only remember a very small portion of who you were to them as a child. Hmmm, who is really teaching who, here?
Hopefully the parent-child bond is strong enough to create many positive experiences after a child begins retaining more of their memory. Unfortunately, too many teenagers and parents go their separate ways. Relationships seldom stretch into adulthood so that the man who was once a child can get to know his parents on an adult level.
It all brings to mind the Lord’s promise in the book of Malachi. He said that in the last days, the Elijah would come and turn the hearts of the fathers to their children and the hearts of the children to their fathers (Mal. 4:6). Many people take this to mean that people will take a vested interest in their family history and the many generations that went before them and their stories. But what about just within our immediate family? Sure, we are supposed to leave our parents and cleave unto our spouse when we get married, but that doesn’t have to mean that we stop learning from our parents.
I don’t think I’ve fully allowed myself to consider the day when my daughter leaves home and I no longer have her close by. When I do, I think it will break my heart. Did it break my mom’s heart when I left home? Obviously, life goes on for empty-nesters. Marriage, the most important relationship in life, goes on. Grand-parenting begins and more joy comes as we find ourselves interacting with small people again.
Even though it might break my heart to let her go one day, I hope I will be proud of who she has become. Because even though she might not know everything about me, who I am will be reflected in her – every day – for the rest of her life, whether she remembers it or not. And a little bit of who I am will even be reflected in that little six-year-old, too. If seeing her as a righteous young woman of about fourteen brought me that much joy, then how much more will I be consumed by joy when it is my daughter, all grown up with a testimony of Jesus Christ in her heart? Why are we here, teaching and learning from all these children in our lives? Oh yeah, so we can have joy. And, so we can learn some of the most important lessons God has for us to learn.
She said, “No, I’m sorry,” with a polite but blank look on her face.
Something changes in the way you see yourself and the passage of time when things like that happen. Sigh. I’ll be turning thirty this year.
I recently came back into contact with some good friends who have a large family and found myself wondering how well the children would remember me.
It brought into focus a new aspect of adult and childhood for me. Many of you, I’m sure, have already figured this out. (I’m a little slow sometimes.) We grow into adults who have many experiences knowing, loving, teaching, and raising beautiful children. We have memory after memory stored up of these small people. But when they are all grown up, they only remember a very small portion of who you were to them as a child. Hmmm, who is really teaching who, here?
Hopefully the parent-child bond is strong enough to create many positive experiences after a child begins retaining more of their memory. Unfortunately, too many teenagers and parents go their separate ways. Relationships seldom stretch into adulthood so that the man who was once a child can get to know his parents on an adult level.
It all brings to mind the Lord’s promise in the book of Malachi. He said that in the last days, the Elijah would come and turn the hearts of the fathers to their children and the hearts of the children to their fathers (Mal. 4:6). Many people take this to mean that people will take a vested interest in their family history and the many generations that went before them and their stories. But what about just within our immediate family? Sure, we are supposed to leave our parents and cleave unto our spouse when we get married, but that doesn’t have to mean that we stop learning from our parents.
I don’t think I’ve fully allowed myself to consider the day when my daughter leaves home and I no longer have her close by. When I do, I think it will break my heart. Did it break my mom’s heart when I left home? Obviously, life goes on for empty-nesters. Marriage, the most important relationship in life, goes on. Grand-parenting begins and more joy comes as we find ourselves interacting with small people again.
Even though it might break my heart to let her go one day, I hope I will be proud of who she has become. Because even though she might not know everything about me, who I am will be reflected in her – every day – for the rest of her life, whether she remembers it or not. And a little bit of who I am will even be reflected in that little six-year-old, too. If seeing her as a righteous young woman of about fourteen brought me that much joy, then how much more will I be consumed by joy when it is my daughter, all grown up with a testimony of Jesus Christ in her heart? Why are we here, teaching and learning from all these children in our lives? Oh yeah, so we can have joy. And, so we can learn some of the most important lessons God has for us to learn.
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