Protecting Our Children

I wanted to have some fun with my daughter in our pool one last time before we close it this year. I grabbed the inner-tube around her waist and starting pulling her in a circle around me in the water. She shrieked with laughter and her eyes sparkled. As I whirled her around again and again, I kept a close eye on the edge of the pool beside us. If I got too close to it in my turning, I could have cracked her head on the hard concrete. Joy swelled in my heart as I felt how much I love her and want her to do well in life. As I laughed with her, a thought crystallized.

It comes naturally to me as her mother to want to protect her from physical harm. I would never dream of intentionally hurting her physically. As many of you, I would even risk my life to protect hers. As soon as she looks at the stove, I warn her that it's hot. Before she hops on the jumping ball in front of the stairs, I tell her of the danger.

But do I give the same careful attention to the need to protect my daughter spiritually? Morally? When my daughter sees me cooking, she wants to help. She wants to do what I do. Deeper than that, it just comes naturally to her to imitate what I do. Even if it is something she's been taught is wrong. Children are innocent. They are not accountable for their choices until age eight. In my faith, that is when they are baptized. I have to keep reminding myself of that when my daughter cops an attitude with me. When I stop to think about it, the first time she talked back to me was long before preschool, so I could not blame friend influence for that one. Nope, I had to admit it: She was speaking to me in an exact replica of the tone I used with her when she was doing something I did not approve of. Wow.

Having a family is part of Heavenly Father's plan for us on the earth. No wonder! Being responsible for a child, or just within a child's circle of influence, as a teacher, aunt, or babysitter, is a humbling experience. There is no more effective method for pointing out one's own hypocrisies than with a child who imitates your every action, or who calls you out on your inconsistencies.

Of course, some lessons they have to learn on their own. Sometimes children heed our warnings and avoid touching the hot stove for fear of getting burned. But usually, they have to gain some concept of what “burned” means before they will heed.

A parenting book I read said that consistency is the single most important element of parenting. Mixed messages from parents are some of the most detrimental spiritual and moral messages we can send. If we say one thing and do another, it is just as bad as saying “I'll protect you,” and then cracking their head into the edge of the swimming pool (which thankfully I did not do yesterday). When they are a crying mess afterward, (after the immoral choice they made, for example), what do we say? Oops. I didn't mean to. I'm sorry. It's not my fault. I tried to avoid this pain for you. I tried to tell you. I told you so.

But telling is not enough.

We have to show our children that we can live by the same morals and values we require of them. Or else they get some mixed message that it is impossible to live a morally clean, righteous life. It's impossible to treat others with respect during conflict, etc. Of course, we can't be perfect. And when we make a mistake, as parents, we have to own up to it in front of our children. What good does it do if our children watch their mom and dad have a fight, but never see them apologize and make up with each other? None. You just taught them how to fight. What good does it do for us to tell our children anything, really, if we are doing the opposite?

My intent is not to stir up extra loads of mother-guilt, here, for I know we all have more than enough of that to go around. Children have to be allowed to make their own choices as they grow. Today, we went to the park and I watched my daughter ride away from me on her bike (with training wheels). She was cautious, but she was faster than me and I could not always be right beside her. When I watched her come up on what could be a dangerous situation, I was nervous for her. I thought, “come on, you can do it. Don't fall. Steer yourself right.” I couldn't do it for her. I couldn't catch her. I couldn't shout instructions from twenty feet away. I had to rely on her self-direction.

I don't have time to go back and make sure my blog post makes flowing sense. I hope it does to you. I'll just end with these quotes, which say it better than I can.

President Harold B. Lee said the most important work you do will be within the walls of your own home.

Elder Russell M. Ballard said, “Love your mother.... Respect her. Listen to her. Trust her. She has your best interests at heart. She cares about your eternal safety and happiness. So be kind to her. Be patient with her imperfections, for she has them. We all do. Now may I share a few thoughts with you mothers about the special role you play in your daughters’ lives. We have a family friend who travels often with members of her extended family. Her primary observation after each trip is how much the young women behave like their mothers. If the mothers are thrifty, so are their daughters. If the mothers are modest, so are the girls... Mothers, your example is extremely important to your daughters—even if they don’t acknowledge it.

“Throughout the history of the world, women have always been teachers of moral values. That instruction begins in the cradle and continues throughout the lives of their children. Today our society is bombarded with messages about womanhood and motherhood that are dangerously and wickedly wrong. Following these messages can put your daughters on the path to sin and self-destruction. Your daughters may not understand that unless you tell them or, better, unless you show them how to make good choices. As mothers in Israel, you are your daughters’ first line of defense against the wiles of the world.”