Perception is Reality

This morning, my daughter was hard at work in the next room until she finally brought me the finished product of her efforts: a birthday card for her mommy. It was quite elaborate, with colorful felt squares, stickers, and even a ribbon tied around it to close up the card. I was touched. What a sweet daughter I have! Later in the day, I went into the living room and discovered the remains of her card making adventure. The contents of my sewing box were strewn all over the couch and I realized that her “ribbon” was actually sewing tape. Now, normally, when I walk up on a mess like this, I would have called for her to come clean it up and firmly reminded her that she should not leave messes laying around the house, probably with a little too much disapproval in my tone. But today, because I correctly perceived her intentions as she was making this mess, I lovingly cleaned it up for her, happy to be reminded of her kindness. Someone once told me that perception is reality – at least for the person living with it.

I've heard women talk about the first six months after having a new baby as sort of a foggy period from which they finally emerge. My son is 7 months old now and I think I am finally re-entering reality as I knew it about a year ago. Some of you may remember my optimistic post on turning 30 and how I had progressed a lot during my twenties and felt that turning thirty was starting a new chapter in my life – one that would be better. Well, the Lord had a few more things to teach me this year. It has been a difficult one. The intense emotion and physical drain brought on by having a new baby left me spent and in great need of the Lord's help.

Looking back, I remember a journal entry made just before Valentine's Day this year in which I stated that I wanted to be the kind of person who acts Christlike even when I am under a lot of pressure and stress. After I said that, life dealt out blow after blow of pressure and stress this year. I kept wondering, why is this such a hard year? I know I had the baby, but all this? This is over and above anything I had prepared myself for. Things have happened. Words have been exchanged. Hearts have hardened. Relationships have changed. My heart has sorrowed. It hasn't been all bad, of course, but this past month especially I have been caught in a dark cloud of guilt and frustration mixed with confusion about my role in life and my family.
Then this morning I started reading some old letters and journal entries I had written. And I realized...

I forgot who I am.

You could say I backpedaled, had some setbacks, got off track. However you sugarcoat it, the truth is that I was being deceived – by the greatest Deceiver of all. His name is Satan and he wants us all to be miserable. He tries to lead us, gently and carefully and ever so gradually down to hell.

But yet again the Lord has used my trials to teach me. He has “consecrated all my afflictions to work together for my good.” As I read those old letters, I started remembering things I had done that I wasn't giving myself credit for. I was harboring all this guilt for not trying harder when in fact, I did try my best. It's like when everything's blurry at the eye doctor's until the right lens clicks into place in front of your eye and suddenly you can see crystal clear. Something clicked into place today and I remembered who I was. Guilt was released. Peace came to me. I felt in tune with the Lord again. I am me again.

I looked at my negativity over the past month and asked myself: What was I doing? I honestly don't know. Except that I was listening to Satan. I am amazed at how subtly he twists ideas and words into prideful suggestions of how to react and think. He slowly and gradually lured me into certain perceptions that simply weren't true. About my family. About people. About myself. I was more angry, more overwhelmed, more resentful and worried, much less productive.
My perception was my reality. I experienced this firsthand this summer. I am pleasantly surprised to remember that things are not so bad after all. I am actually a really good person. I do have pretty good relationships. My family has succeeded at many of our goals. We can truly have the Spirit in our home. I can speak kindly to my daughter all day long.

Some of the biggest misconceptions come when I perceive other people's intentions incorrectly. And when I feel responsible for other people's choices.

Jacob 4:13 says, “The Spirit speaketh of things as they really are.” I was reading those old journals – why? Because while I was praying and studying scriptures in the morning, I felt the need to read them. During all this time that Satan has been luring me away from the truth – guess what I haven't been doing? Studying my scriptures. Guess what I started doing consistently this past month? Studying my scriptures! Praying! I have been asking all year long for the Lord's help. But I wasn't always humbling myself enough to receive it! The talk I gave at church last month was only a turning point (see two posts ago). When I started studying the scriptures and seeking for answers, two things happened. I began to perceive things correctly again. At the same time, Satan also redoubled his efforts.

My friend, Minerva, recently had an article published in a church magazine. In it, she said that God “waits for us to have the faith and strength to come unto Him.” When I read that wonderful insight, I thought, why does it take strength to come unto Him? Now I realize that it takes strength to pull away from Satan's influence. It takes strength, not weakness, to get down on your knees every single day to pray for help. It takes strength to tune out the shouting accusations from Satan and listen to the still, small voice of the Spirit instead. It takes strength to become the people that the Lord would have us be. To climb the mountain and hold our place, to not slide back down. To find the Savior and then keep him close to our hearts.