Paradigm Shift

Both of my children cried themselves to sleep last night. My daughter is five and she still has trouble – or resistance, rather, to going to bed. Oh, I know, all of us sappy hearts (including myself) are hearing the country song play in our heads “let them be little...” But this past week, I've realized some pretty huge things about parenting and how wrong I've been.
Hello. My name is Tiffany Campbell. And I give in. I also rescue, reward arguing and criticize. Since this is confession time, I'll say here that my daughter had her pacifier until she was two and a half. Is that even legal?

So I was sitting in church as they were passing around the bread and I watched my daughter defy me again and again. I told her to sit down several times and she just didn't. She still tests my word. She has always tested and pushed and tried to bend the rules as far as possible just to see how far she could bend them before they would break. “She's such a strong spirit,” I told myself. And she is. She has to be.

All this is due to some family drama last week during which I was called out on my attempts to give my children whatever they want. I went begging for advice of some wise people and was given the book entitled, “Let's Fix the Kids” by James J. Jones. I've been listening to some of his seminars on CD. (I almost typed on tape – yes I'm old enough to remember something that the rising generation thinks is ancient!)

Anyway, his first three rules are Never Lie, Never Argue and Never Criticize. According to him, lying is when you tell the kid she has to finish her dinner to get dessert and after her resistance, you say, well, just take two bites of everything and then you can have dessert. It destroys your credibility with the child. Counting doesn't really work either. I've taught my daughter that she does not have to listen to me unless I count to five. All that teaches is that she can get away with it for four more seconds longer than she should.

When school started, we told her we would leave her room at 8:30 so she could get to sleep on school nights. She doesn't resist every night, but we have been consistent and she doesn't like it much. Oh, we still tickle and laugh and read books and snuggle, but we have to leave at 8:30.
This past week, I finally worked up the courage, thanks to Mr. Jones, to allow the baby to fuss in the middle of the night instead of picking him up every time he wakes up. Finally, after all this time and trouble and sleep-deprivation, I got up, gave him the pacifier, made sure he had a dry diaper and left the room. And what did he do? He cried, he struggled, he got mad and fussed. For fifteen minutes, not even very loudly. Then he went to sleep. The next night, he slept for seven hours straight! And then he did it again the next night. For those of you who don't know or may not remember what it's like to go for months without uninterrupted sleep, let me tell you how glorious and grateful I felt when I woke up after six straight hours of sleep. Just take a really deep breath, feel yourself relax and let go of tension – then magnify that feeling by about a thousand and add a really big smile.

He had a hard time last night because he was woken up from his carseat slumber when we got home, so it was a little harder for him to fall asleep, but he did it just fine. I finished packing lunches for tomorrow and sat on the stairs listening to my daughter fake-cry. I needed to listen. I needed to hear it to remind myself that this is what I have done to her. I have led her to believe that she should always be rescued by mommy before she has to deal with any of her problems. She came into this world not quite sure what to expect. She's taken her cues from me and Daddy. That's it for the most part. We're it.

It was a huge eye-opener learning that children actually have to struggle in order to learn how to cope with life. If we do everything for them or step in every time, we're actually crippling them. If we set a rule and don't enforce it, then we are distorting their view of things as they really are. We teach them to negotiate their way out of consequences (ie ARGUE). Then what do we do? We lament because of all this arguing going on. Don't even get me started on the criticizing and perfectionism...

I bring all these things I've been learning to my blog because of this: The way our children view and respond to us is the way they will view and respond to God.

I watched my daughter resist tonight and I thought of my relationship with Heavenly Father and His Son. How different is it, really? When He gives us His commandments and we have to change some fundamental habit or belief that is so ingrained in our souls in order to become more like Him. There are some commandments that I've been just like an ungrateful, arguing brat about. Each time I'm prompted to make a better choice, I've said, “No!” like a child and done it anyway. Whether I'm saying no to my conscience or the Spirit or God, whatever it is, I have this tendency to want to assert my will over His. To say, “I know how to do it all by myself. I don't need your help. I don't have to. Don't tell me what to do.” Not out loud, of course, but somewhere in me, it's there when I'm ignoring a commandment, or rationalizing my disobedience to it. “I don't have time to pray! Besides...”

Heavenly Father is an unchanging God. What are we teaching if we set a rule and then ten minutes later (or five days), change the rule? With no explanation and no reason other than to make following it easier! Whew! Thank goodness I'm learning about this now. Lots of paradigm shifts going on this past month or so for me. Anyone have any thoughts?