Perception is Reality

This morning, my daughter was hard at work in the next room until she finally brought me the finished product of her efforts: a birthday card for her mommy. It was quite elaborate, with colorful felt squares, stickers, and even a ribbon tied around it to close up the card. I was touched. What a sweet daughter I have! Later in the day, I went into the living room and discovered the remains of her card making adventure. The contents of my sewing box were strewn all over the couch and I realized that her “ribbon” was actually sewing tape. Now, normally, when I walk up on a mess like this, I would have called for her to come clean it up and firmly reminded her that she should not leave messes laying around the house, probably with a little too much disapproval in my tone. But today, because I correctly perceived her intentions as she was making this mess, I lovingly cleaned it up for her, happy to be reminded of her kindness. Someone once told me that perception is reality – at least for the person living with it.

I've heard women talk about the first six months after having a new baby as sort of a foggy period from which they finally emerge. My son is 7 months old now and I think I am finally re-entering reality as I knew it about a year ago. Some of you may remember my optimistic post on turning 30 and how I had progressed a lot during my twenties and felt that turning thirty was starting a new chapter in my life – one that would be better. Well, the Lord had a few more things to teach me this year. It has been a difficult one. The intense emotion and physical drain brought on by having a new baby left me spent and in great need of the Lord's help.

Looking back, I remember a journal entry made just before Valentine's Day this year in which I stated that I wanted to be the kind of person who acts Christlike even when I am under a lot of pressure and stress. After I said that, life dealt out blow after blow of pressure and stress this year. I kept wondering, why is this such a hard year? I know I had the baby, but all this? This is over and above anything I had prepared myself for. Things have happened. Words have been exchanged. Hearts have hardened. Relationships have changed. My heart has sorrowed. It hasn't been all bad, of course, but this past month especially I have been caught in a dark cloud of guilt and frustration mixed with confusion about my role in life and my family.
Then this morning I started reading some old letters and journal entries I had written. And I realized...

I forgot who I am.

You could say I backpedaled, had some setbacks, got off track. However you sugarcoat it, the truth is that I was being deceived – by the greatest Deceiver of all. His name is Satan and he wants us all to be miserable. He tries to lead us, gently and carefully and ever so gradually down to hell.

But yet again the Lord has used my trials to teach me. He has “consecrated all my afflictions to work together for my good.” As I read those old letters, I started remembering things I had done that I wasn't giving myself credit for. I was harboring all this guilt for not trying harder when in fact, I did try my best. It's like when everything's blurry at the eye doctor's until the right lens clicks into place in front of your eye and suddenly you can see crystal clear. Something clicked into place today and I remembered who I was. Guilt was released. Peace came to me. I felt in tune with the Lord again. I am me again.

I looked at my negativity over the past month and asked myself: What was I doing? I honestly don't know. Except that I was listening to Satan. I am amazed at how subtly he twists ideas and words into prideful suggestions of how to react and think. He slowly and gradually lured me into certain perceptions that simply weren't true. About my family. About people. About myself. I was more angry, more overwhelmed, more resentful and worried, much less productive.
My perception was my reality. I experienced this firsthand this summer. I am pleasantly surprised to remember that things are not so bad after all. I am actually a really good person. I do have pretty good relationships. My family has succeeded at many of our goals. We can truly have the Spirit in our home. I can speak kindly to my daughter all day long.

Some of the biggest misconceptions come when I perceive other people's intentions incorrectly. And when I feel responsible for other people's choices.

Jacob 4:13 says, “The Spirit speaketh of things as they really are.” I was reading those old journals – why? Because while I was praying and studying scriptures in the morning, I felt the need to read them. During all this time that Satan has been luring me away from the truth – guess what I haven't been doing? Studying my scriptures. Guess what I started doing consistently this past month? Studying my scriptures! Praying! I have been asking all year long for the Lord's help. But I wasn't always humbling myself enough to receive it! The talk I gave at church last month was only a turning point (see two posts ago). When I started studying the scriptures and seeking for answers, two things happened. I began to perceive things correctly again. At the same time, Satan also redoubled his efforts.

My friend, Minerva, recently had an article published in a church magazine. In it, she said that God “waits for us to have the faith and strength to come unto Him.” When I read that wonderful insight, I thought, why does it take strength to come unto Him? Now I realize that it takes strength to pull away from Satan's influence. It takes strength, not weakness, to get down on your knees every single day to pray for help. It takes strength to tune out the shouting accusations from Satan and listen to the still, small voice of the Spirit instead. It takes strength to become the people that the Lord would have us be. To climb the mountain and hold our place, to not slide back down. To find the Savior and then keep him close to our hearts.

Define Yourself

Someone at church today asked us to think back to our childhood to a time when we dreamed of the future and what we would be when we grew up. Then she asked if all that had transpired in our lives matched up to those dreams. Did we plan on trials? Are we where we thought we'd be at our age? As I thought this over, joy swelled in my heart as I realized that I do already have or am working toward everything I dreamed of then, at least within my own little family. There are other dreams that have yet to be realized, but I have faith in the Lord that in His own good time, those will come into being as well.

The speaker went on to say that when we look back over our lives as a whole, there are moments that define who we really are. I thought back over the past six months and realized that my husband and I have probably faced more trials in this six month period than we have in the past few years. I looked over at my husband and thought of how much closer we had become through these trials. We are much more unified, much more concerned for one another, and though I never thought it possible, much more in love. Our trials have forced us into moments that define who we really are.

I have had cause this year to see many broken relationships all around me. I look at my amazing marriage and my beautiful children and my friendships. I see that I still have a relationship with my parents although I am all grown up now. I wonder why I am so blessed, so incredibly blessed to have all this around me. And when the tears in my eyes are wiped away and I can see clearly, one bold emblazoned truth shines before me. It takes the form of our Savior, Jesus Christ, and his awesome guiding force in my life.

The topic of the speaker's talk today was “Come Unto Christ.” The times in my life when I have tried my hardest to come unto the Savior are the times when my relationships have been strengthened and preserved. If I have turned away from him in any degree, then those relationships suffer.  

Throughout my life, I have evaluated myself frequently for how I could improve this way or that way. Do more, be better, etc. This weekend as I had several moments to reflect on the people my husband and I have become, I felt a surge of confidence overwhelm me. Not so much a feeling of pride as it was a simple assurance that my Heavenly Father is pleased with me and I can be happy to be who I am. Not long after, another feeling followed on its heels: a feeling of humble gratitude for my life.  

Had He not guided me to the family I was born into, to the man I love, to the Church I belong to, I would be lost. Lost and looking for peace, yet I would not know where to find it. I am incredibly grateful because he did bring me to parents who would do their best to shape me into a woman with a testimony of Christ and his teachings. He did bring me to a husband who is man enough to lead me and cherish me, to the Church that taught me how to hear my Heavenly Father's will through that still small voice that is His Holy Spirit and taught me how to grow closer to His Son, Jesus Christ. It is that relationship that strengthens all the others.

I know, (and I am forever grateful to Him for this knowledge), that I am a daughter of God. I know He has a plan for my life. I know He gave each of us talents and dreams that we might lift up those around us and strengthen our relationships. I know that each soul is of great worth in His sight. I know that He needs us to stand up for what is right, even when taking a stand is more frightening than all we have experienced and we risk losing that which is dear to us. He who is the Father of the human race has confidence in His children. Is there a dream He has planted in your heart that remains unrealized? Is there a talent that remains unused? Pray for help, and stand up and act in faith. Create a moment that will define who you really are. Then watch as the masterpiece of your life unfolds before you, beautiful and glorious as only the Master can paint it.

Perfect Love Casteth Out All Fear

Today I wanted to record the pure joy I felt as a mother watching my daughter overcome a fear of hers and speak into the microphone at church – in front of all those people watching her. The children's presentation was this weekend and my four-year-old had a few short lines to say. It was a blessing that I am a teacher of her age group. Though she is not normally in my class, I was able to be the one helping her at the microphone, whispering her part into her ear.

At the last practice, she was too afraid to do it. So, this past week, I prayed about how to help her overcome this because I knew it would be a real stepping stone for her to become more brave at being in front of crowds. She doesn't like all the eyes to be on her in any situation. So I knew this would be a great opportunity for her to feel brave and feel proud of herself and that she could do things that are a little scary.

As I prayed, the Holy Ghost impressed me that I ought to search for scriptures about fear to share with my daughter. I share a very short verse of scripture with her each day, so I started looking and found the one in D&C 38 which reads, “If ye are prepared, ye shall not fear.” I talked to her about how if we get ready for something, then we don't have to be scared to do it.

The next day, the Spirit helped me to find another scripture, which reads: “for perfect love casteth out all fear. … I love little children with a perfect love” (Moroni 8:16-17). This was the perfect scripture! I shared it with my daughter and this one seemed to get through as I explained how Jesus loved her with this perfect love and that He would help her to throw away her fear. I added that even if she still felt a little scared, the Lord would help her feel more brave than she felt scared and she could do it anyway. We talked about how proud we would all be if she did it and how she would feel the love of Jesus in her heart helping her. I offered my prayers Sunday morning, reminded her of what the scriptures said, and we were off to church. I don't think I've ever seen her bite her nails as much as she did that morning.

Then she did it! And as she was saying her part, she was turning red in the face and smiling a little and looking back and forth from me to the congregation. When she was done, she looked at me with the happiest eyes I've ever seen and hugged me tight before going back to her seat. She was just shining.

Now you tell me that the Lord does not answer our prayers specifically right now in this day and age. I testify that He does! He lives! And He cares about each on of us so much that He will tell us, through the power of His Holy Spirit and the scriptures, how to live this life with success. He will help us learn how to live with joy and peace as our constant companions. He will answer prayer and help us to know in our minds and hearts how to raise our families.

The thoughts we have during prayer and study of His word are not always our own. They are the whisperings of a divine and loving Father who wants to help His children. He has a “perfect love” for me, for all of us. Because I am assured that He will help me, I can cast out all my fear and worry and live with joy. I can even do things that seem a little scary.