Relinquishing Control

Earlier this year, I prayed specifically that the Lord would show me what is amiss in me. I prayed that if there was anything I was not seeing, it would be revealed to me.

Through a series of experiences, some of them quite hurtful, and articles (one of which is Beware of Pride by Ezra Taft Benson), the Lord has revealed to me how controlling I am. Whether it's through passive-aggressive behavior or directly interrupting someone else so I could be in control or just resenting others because they won't let me control them or judging them because they don't do things the way I think they should, or hinting ...oh, there are a myriad of ways.

I am seeing many of my past experiences and current ones in a new light. Friendships I lost. Family members who withdrew from me. I've probably even done it a little bit through this blog. (At a Writer's Conference, one of the presenters was talking about how the Lord helped her to realize that had she continued with her own plan rather than discovering His plan for her writing, her readers would have felt judged and condemned. I thought, Wow, I hope I haven't made my readers feel like that! Yikes!)

So I've been trying to analyze this aspect of myself and seek for answers on how exactly I'm supposed to help others if it is not actually my God-given gift to perceive how to fix everyone else's life and advise them on it. Thankfully, the Lord is not silent on this matter. So, what is my gift from God?

Freedom. Agency. Control – over myself.

Just me. That's all. Not anyone else.

He's given that gift to every one of His children. I'm reading a book by Henry Cloud called Boundaries that outlines all kinds of ways that control of the self and the allowing of others to make their own choices is truly the key to much of life's happiness. My eyes are being opened to how, for most of my life, I've blamed problems more on how others need to change than how I need to change. I am starting to see how even the solution to problems other people cause can be sought out by Yours Truly. Not by nagging the other person or offering my unwanted advice, but by changing the way I approach or think about the problem. I am even seeing how problems that I have blamed others for for years are actually problems that I contributed to creating. It is quite humbling. I asked God to speak to me and He's speaking! Loud and clear.

I know I have to let go of my desire to get others to make better choices. I have to embrace the gift God gave to them: their freedom to choose for themselves. He took care of setting up consequences for them. And, as I am learning, in those cases where I need to set a boundary, or a consequence, I have to step up and do that because if I don't then my silence (allowing others to walk all over me) is actually interfering with God's plan that consequences follow choices.

Yet I still desperately want to help others. How can I do that if I can't get them to change? I guess the truth is that most people want to be better than they are. I can let that be between them and the Lord. I need to focus on keeping my own covenants, which include a promise I made at baptism to do my best to obey all of Heavenly Father's commandments. His two greatest are: Love the Lord thy God with all thy might, mind, and strength, and love thy neighbor as thyself. I must relinquish the desire to control others, and instead do whatever I can to love them. People aren't starving for advice. They are starving for love. Isn't it true? I am my best self when I feel the most loved. And I don't really feel all that loved when someone is giving me advice or criticism that I didn't ask for.

But wasn't it because of love in the first place that I wanted to help others change? Well, yes. So I guess the next step here is to learn what kind of help is actually loving and what kind of love is truly helpful. Does anyone have any thoughts? I'd love to see your comments!

Self Discovery

There is a preoccupation with self discovery among youth and adults alike in our world. It's like this need that has been programmed into us all to find out “who I am.” I grew up thinking about this and I'm sure several of you did, too. What it took me a long time to understand is that really, finding out who you are is a function of your choices. You are who you choose to be. Your choices govern who you become.

Also, we, as adults or youth, are not one well-defined person who needs to simply be uncovered. We are changing beings who learn from mistakes and improve (hopefully).

Some definitions are great and as we make choices in life, we add to our self-definition. The choice to be chaste, sober, married, etc. Definitions that help us live up to righteous standards are good. Standards and values should be well-defined and followed. But sometimes when we define ourselves, it can actually limit us from growing. We may not say them aloud, but some of us actually define ourselves in negative ways. We are addicts, we can't hear God's answers to prayer, we are too sick to do what we want or need to do.
What is it that makes you feel like you don't know who you are in the first place? Usually, wrong choices do. It's not that you don't know who you are; it's that you are not making all the choices that you know you should be. We don't quite live in complete faith that God will guide our lives one step at a time. If we did, we would feel really good about ourselves.

Sometimes we feel lost because of the challenges that come with circumstance. Several things go wrong at once and we wonder who we are or if we are doing something wrong to deserve this. Perhaps we may wonder if God is punishing us. I am grateful to have an understanding about God that leads me to ask the question, “What is God trying to teach me through this trial?” rather than a “woe is me” attitude, or even a “I don't even know who I am anymore” attitude. If I have consistently tried to make good choices, I have a solid foundation for who I think I am. Of course, the Lord knows better. He knows how I need to grow even if I can't see it. So if a moment comes when I am asking, “Who am I?” because of a trial, I can ask with the understanding that the Lord is only trying to mold me into someone better.

Escape versus Prayer

Today at church, someone spoke about how we are eternal beings and will live forever. But we have one short earthly life to live and learn from. So, we should get serious about learning all we can and becoming more Christlike in this life, which is very short in the eternal scheme of things.

The comment made me think about escape. I have an unfortunate tendency to want to escape from life when it is getting too hard for me to handle. I want to read Harry Potter for hours or just watch a movie, get out of the house, go away for the weekend, send my daughter to Grandma's, etc, etc. I even just want to escape to the brief pleasure that comes from eating a piece of chocolate.

The problem with this is that when I'm back from my escape, my problems are still there. Sometimes they are worse. Those of you who know me are probably wondering what in the world kind of problems I have in my amazingly blessed and seemingly trial-free life. Well, I'm the first one to admit that most of my problems come from my own attitude about things. Anyway, that doesn't matter. We all have problems.

Relaxing in life does, of course, have its place. We all need fun and recreation to renew our energies and help us enjoy life. But I've found that escaping every time I reach the boiling point of frustration or stress is actually hindering my spirituality and closeness to Jesus Christ.

It is taking me so long to learn this lesson, but I am gradually figuring out that it's true. When I am bustling around the house, feeling sorry for myself because of all the work I have to do, or anytime I am feeling depressed for any reason, escape is not a productive solution.

I am finding that whenever I feel like escaping from life, if I kneel down and pray instead, or read the scriptures or a spiritual article, then the Lord changes my heart and helps me to feel better, allowing me to go about my work with a light heart and a positive attitude. He helps me to remember the many blessings I should be feeling grateful for and how many people there are who would give much to be in my situation.

We are here on earth to learn something. The Lord is our teacher. If we spend our whole life escaping from problems, we won't learn anything. We are eternal beings. Whether it is one day soon or after we die, we will have to face the problems we struggle with and will not be able to escape them. Ultimately, real escape is impossible. I would rather face it now and learn something.

It always brings me more happiness to learn from God in prayer and scripture study. Escape only brings temporary relief. I don't want to face my Maker after I die and have him tell me what I should have learned from the experiences I had on the earth. I think a habit of escape is one of Satan's tools to distract us from becoming more like the Savior and to keep us from being happy. The Lord gave us freedom of choice so we could act, not be acted upon. Escape is a reaction to the forces I feel acting upon me. Prayer, however, is an act, a choice I take to help me cope with and learn from those forces. Anyone else have any experiences or thoughts to share? I'd love to see your comments.