Relinquishing Control

Earlier this year, I prayed specifically that the Lord would show me what is amiss in me. I prayed that if there was anything I was not seeing, it would be revealed to me.

Through a series of experiences, some of them quite hurtful, and articles (one of which is Beware of Pride by Ezra Taft Benson), the Lord has revealed to me how controlling I am. Whether it's through passive-aggressive behavior or directly interrupting someone else so I could be in control or just resenting others because they won't let me control them or judging them because they don't do things the way I think they should, or hinting ...oh, there are a myriad of ways.

I am seeing many of my past experiences and current ones in a new light. Friendships I lost. Family members who withdrew from me. I've probably even done it a little bit through this blog. (At a Writer's Conference, one of the presenters was talking about how the Lord helped her to realize that had she continued with her own plan rather than discovering His plan for her writing, her readers would have felt judged and condemned. I thought, Wow, I hope I haven't made my readers feel like that! Yikes!)

So I've been trying to analyze this aspect of myself and seek for answers on how exactly I'm supposed to help others if it is not actually my God-given gift to perceive how to fix everyone else's life and advise them on it. Thankfully, the Lord is not silent on this matter. So, what is my gift from God?

Freedom. Agency. Control – over myself.

Just me. That's all. Not anyone else.

He's given that gift to every one of His children. I'm reading a book by Henry Cloud called Boundaries that outlines all kinds of ways that control of the self and the allowing of others to make their own choices is truly the key to much of life's happiness. My eyes are being opened to how, for most of my life, I've blamed problems more on how others need to change than how I need to change. I am starting to see how even the solution to problems other people cause can be sought out by Yours Truly. Not by nagging the other person or offering my unwanted advice, but by changing the way I approach or think about the problem. I am even seeing how problems that I have blamed others for for years are actually problems that I contributed to creating. It is quite humbling. I asked God to speak to me and He's speaking! Loud and clear.

I know I have to let go of my desire to get others to make better choices. I have to embrace the gift God gave to them: their freedom to choose for themselves. He took care of setting up consequences for them. And, as I am learning, in those cases where I need to set a boundary, or a consequence, I have to step up and do that because if I don't then my silence (allowing others to walk all over me) is actually interfering with God's plan that consequences follow choices.

Yet I still desperately want to help others. How can I do that if I can't get them to change? I guess the truth is that most people want to be better than they are. I can let that be between them and the Lord. I need to focus on keeping my own covenants, which include a promise I made at baptism to do my best to obey all of Heavenly Father's commandments. His two greatest are: Love the Lord thy God with all thy might, mind, and strength, and love thy neighbor as thyself. I must relinquish the desire to control others, and instead do whatever I can to love them. People aren't starving for advice. They are starving for love. Isn't it true? I am my best self when I feel the most loved. And I don't really feel all that loved when someone is giving me advice or criticism that I didn't ask for.

But wasn't it because of love in the first place that I wanted to help others change? Well, yes. So I guess the next step here is to learn what kind of help is actually loving and what kind of love is truly helpful. Does anyone have any thoughts? I'd love to see your comments!