Elected Governor (of Myself)

Elected Governor (Of Myself)

In May, Heath and I attended four classes by Nicholeen Peck, author of “Parenting a House United.” As I sat in her class, listening to her speak about the “Power of Calm” and the “Four Basic Skills” that everyone must have in order to properly govern themselves, I could feel that this was one of those life-changing moments. The scriptures speak of how a seed is planted in our hearts and we can know that is it a good seed by how it grows and sprouts. You know something is a good seed by how it “hath swelled your souls...that your understanding doth begin to be enlightened, and your mind doth begin to expand” (Alma 32:34).

This is what I have felt. The seeds of new perspective that Nicholeen planted in my heart have continued to grow in the weeks since then as my husband and I have stumbled our way along, trying our best to implement the principles we learned. Even with our inadequate attempts to follow our notes and change into parents who calmly hold our kids accountable when they show disrespect or disobedience the first time (instead of waiting until the third, fourth, or fifth time), our relationships with each other and our children are already stronger.

The first couple of days after we explained the new program to our daughter, we had several interchanges that went something like this:

#1:

Mom gives an instruction to daughter.

Daughter remains silent and continues her activity.

Mom realizes (later than I should have) that daughter still has not performed the instruction she gave her. Then I remember that she was also supposed to look at me and say okay. Oh, so that means I need to stand near her from the time I give her the instruction until the time I see her get up and go to do it.

Ok. Do-over.

Mom gives the same instruction to daughter and this time, says, “Okay?” and waits for an answer.

Daughter remembers that she is supposed to be saying “Okay” now. So she does.

“Okay, mom.”

Then she keeps playing. Mom comes over and looks at her with a smile and a raised eyebrow, and says, “Okaaaay.”

Daughter gets up to do the instruction. She forgets to report back. Mom forgets that she's supposed to.

#2

Dad sees daughter breaking a rule or being disrespectful.

“Go to Time Out.”

Mom says, “She doesn't go to Time Out anymore.”

“Oh, okay, well, then you get an extra chore.”

Dad looks at Mom. “What can she do?”

#3

Dad sees daughter breaking a rule and gives her an extra chore.

Daughter continues to delay obedience.

Dad looks at Mom and says, “Okay, what's after that?”

Mom says, “I don't know, I have to get my notes... Oh yeah, major maintenance.”

#4

Dad yells at two year old.

Mom looks at Dad and says with a smile, “Are you calm?”

Dad follows the crying two year old (who left the room) and apologizes. He then explains why he should not have done what he did, teaches him the right way and plays with him to reconnect.

Mom gets tears in her eyes and thanks the Lord (again) for Nicholeen Peck.

Several days and a few Family Night Lessons about our new methods later, our daughter has caught on to the “How to Disagree Appropriately” skill that we have been teaching her. She uses it almost every time we ask her to do something. We're still having trouble remembering the part where she is supposed to drop the subject.

I still seem to have the hardest time just calling her out on her inappropriate behavior! I give her the extra chore and then ten minutes later I am giving her an extra chore again and arguing about it a little and then she finally does the extra chore.

Yet I am still trying to wrap my mind around stepping up my parenting role and truly becoming a person who expects to be respected.

Being a proactive parent who expects to be respected is actually kind of hard work! I can't be lazy! I can't just do what is easy anymore! I can't just keep delaying the confrontations that have to happen because I hate confrontation. I am realizing now how my daughter was putting up the power struggles since birth and because I have had serious self-doubts and lack of confidence in my parenting skills, and because of a lack of my own self-respect, I have been letting her win too often because it is easier than calling her out on it and confronting her behavior with expectations and consequences.

This parenting program is making me realize so much about myself! There has been some weakness deep inside my heart. Perhaps it was a fear that I would do something wrong. Or a fear that I would hurt someone else or damage them somehow if I hurt their feelings or confronted them. Or maybe I was scared of hurting the relationship and losing the closeness with my daughter that I thrived on emotionally. I couldn't bear to hurt her or make her cry because then I might lose one of the sources of love in my life. One of the sources that makes me feel validated, needed, and unconditionally loved.

But what I didn't realize was that some of my behavior toward her, ever since babyhood, was feeding into an unhealthy set of manipulative behaviors, both on my part and on her part. It was also feeding a lifestyle of passivity. (I would tell her to do something, she would say, “no, I want to...” and then proceed to do what she wanted. I would try to talk her into doing what I wanted, using every form of bribery and manipulation to get her to change her desire into my desire when what I should have been doing was teaching her to obey my instruction, and giving her consequences (calmly!) every time she didn't.) The times when she just wouldn't change her desire into mine, I caved and let her do it her way first and then tried again to convince her to do what I needed her to do. That's what I mean by passive. It was easier for me to do that than to face the battle of a power struggle and have to give her consequences and watch her suffer them.

Then there were the times when I did take up the battle and faced the power struggle. (“You have to pick your battles” was something I always used to say.) I would get angry and cop attitude. My tone was threatening and annoyed. Behind my voice was “what's wrong with you that you won't give in to me?” I was reacting. I was not calm. I did not think loving thoughts about my child in those moments. I was insecure.

Now I realize that a tendency to just react to something is actually a lack of self-government. Governing myself wisely means that I calmly accept that something inappropriate just happened. Then I calmly and lovingly describe what just happened to that child (ie call them out on it) and teach them what would have been the appropriate way to handle it. I give consequences (which I proactively set up before this incident happened).

As we have taken the time to discuss these principles with our daughter, who is almost 7, she has responded very well. I tell her that we are learning how to be better parents. She is grateful for our efforts to do so. Deep inside her spirit somewhere, she senses that things haven't been quite right and that she isn't quite learning what she needs to learn in order to govern herself. As we've implemented these principles, even though at times she is doing things she doesn't want to do, she glows when she reports back and says that she's completed a task. She chooses to behave well at times because she is motivated to avoid the consequences, but she doesn't behave well with resentment in her heart toward us for “forcing” her. She behaves well because she can see the right choice more clearly now. It's like her little spirit is just soaking up the responsibility and saying “Thank you for trusting me that I can do these hard things. Thank you for helping me grow and learn how to choose them. Look what I can do!”

I think she used to have this sense of being controlled. Now that she is realizing that she is in fact in control of her own life, and the choices she makes really do have meaningful consequences, both good and bad, (and they actually match the behavior – meaning she doesn't get a good consequence for doing something bad) – she is relieved. She says we are better parents already, even though we are still getting the hang of everything. We are able to stay connected and she still feels loved when she is disciplined! This is truly the clearest, most sensible and Christ-centered parenting program I have ever seen. Thank you, Nicholeen Peck!

You can visit Nicholeen's blog at www.teachingselfgovernment.com and buy her book “Parenting a House United.” She also has several video interviews and audio clips available on her blog.