Major Maintenance

Today I gave Jesstyn her very first Major Maintenance consequence. (She probably should have earned about ten by now, but we were adjusting, so I was allowing a little more time for explanation and warning and pre-teaching.) Anyway, she earned an extra chore and I was waiting for her to come to the table so I could teach her how to dust. She was sitting in the recliner on the other side of the room and after a warning that she would get another extra chore if she did not come to me right now, she began inching her way out of the chair while pouting silently. Finally, she fell to the floor off the chair and said, “I'm too tired to walk!” with an oh-so-sad puppy-dog look. In my mind, I'm thinking, hmm...I probably shouldn't have said “extra chore” I should have upped it to the major maintenance. But I didn't pre-teach. So after this, I smiled (because I was getting ready to say something very scripted but that hadn't been used much yet in our language in the home. It was something we had taught her about more than a week ago, and I was a little nervous in using it myself.)

“It seems to me that you might be out of instructional control. I am going to give you an instruction. If you do not follow that instruction, you will earn a Major Maintenance, which is 30 minutes of work. Your instruction is to come here now so that I can teach you how to dust and you can do the extra chore you earned.”

We looked at each other for a moment. She was still pouting, but I think her lips curved into a small smile for a just a split second. I even said, “That was pretty good, wasn't it? I remembered what to say!” (Or at least it is something like that).

She wasn't going to go along this time. She wanted to test the waters and see if Mommy was still as floppy as I used to be. She says, “But I am too tired to walk. I really am!” (All she had to do was take about 5 steps). [Okay, Nicholeen, don't cringe too badly when you read how I still engaged in a bit of a power struggle throughout this next part].

“That is an excuse.”

“No it's not! I really am!”

“No one is too tired to walk this far.”

“Yes I am!”
“People can do hard things.”

We stare at each other for a moment.

I say, “You are doing this to see if I really will give you a Major Maintenance. Are you trying to see how long I'll wait before I give you the Major Maintenance?”

“No, I'm really too tired to walk.” (Hmph! … folded arms...furrowed eyebrows)

We go back and forth a few more times. [I know, I know! I am transitioning from being almost spineless here, give me a break!]. I think I said something about how she was not disagreeing appropriately.

“Okay, you have just earned a Major Maintenance.”

“What!?”

“I am going to give you another instruction. If you do not follow this instruction, you will also earn a SODA.” (SODAS are written problem solving exercises that teach how to choose the right.)

“But I was coming!” Now she is totally caught off guard and breaks down crying. My sweet sensitive girl feels totally wronged and I feel that I have to explain this “new Mommy” to her.

Through sobs, she says, “But I was going to come.” Her tone completely says, this isn't fair. She is a puddle.

I sit down beside her on the floor (she did come to me), and hold her in my arms. Gently, I say, “Sweetheart, I am trying to teach you how to follow instructions so you will be happy in life. It's one of the things you have to learn so you can be happy.”

She is listening, but this just feels sort of hollow. She still doesn't understand. I am straining my brain to remember the exact language that Nicholeen uses in some her teaching examples in the book about being free versus being in bondage and about the four basic skills. I come up with nothing. I think to myself, “okay, why is following instructions so important?”

Inspiration strikes.

“Let me tell you something about myself. I am 32 years old and I have not learned how to follow instructions as well as I should have yet. Because of that, it is sometimes harder for me to say no to what is wrong and yes to what is right. Like when I am so tired and Satan says, “Just eat some more of those chocolate chips and that will perk you right up and it is such a comfort, it will make you feel better.” Then in my mind, I give myself an instruction. I say, “Tiffany, don't eat those chocolate chips because you know that they will make you cranky and mean to the kids and eating them will just make you want even more sugar. They will make you even more tired after they wear off. They even have milk in them and you are lactose intolerant! Don't do that to yourself.” But because I have not learned how to follow instructions very well, what do you think I do?”

She was captivated by this. Her little wheels were turning inside that brain and I could see lights going on in her eyes as she mulled this over.

“You still eat the chocolate chips.”

“Sometimes I follow my instruction and I don't eat them and I am glad. But too many times, I don't follow the instruction and I follow Satan instead. I eat the chocolate chips and then I am unhappy because of it.”

She nods.

“So that is why I am trying to teach you to follow my instructions. Because if you can learn to follow Mommy and Daddy's instructions quickly, you will know how to follow the Savior's instructions and Heavenly Father's commandments and even the instructions that you give yourself about what to do to make yourself happy. Do you understand?”

She nods. Then, being the practical gal that she is, she pleads, (still weepy) “But I didn't understand that before. So can I just not have the Major Maintenance this time?”

Oh, she is so good.

I said, “Well, I'm not going to just take it away, but how about this? I will let you earn having some of the time taken off if you can show me that you can calmly follow instructions to complete this extra chore and for the first ten minutes of your Major Maintenance. But when this happens again, I am not going to do that, okay?”

She nods and gets up to begin learning how to dust, still weepy. I ask her if she needs a minute to calm down, but she doesn't. Then she actually has a lot of fun spraying the cool furniture polish. She did do very well with all the tasks I gave her and did earn time off of the end of her Major Maintenance.

I am so grateful for this experience. I was truly floundering about how to explain the importance of learning to follow instructions, thinking about how she might have to have a job one day and follow a boss. Ugh. When I just cut to the chase and gave her the true nitty gritty on exactly why I wished I knew how to follow instructions better, she really came to understand our new program so much better. Again, we connected while she was being disciplined for something. It felt good to just be real with her. She deserves to know the why. I don't have to hide behind trying to be the perfect Mom anymore who always has a reason and even if the child doesn't really understand it, they are still expected to obey it. Because we are learning this program together, and we are actually learning the Four Basic Skills together, I have to be vulnerable to her and this strengthens our relationship because she sees that I am trying to change so we can all be happier. I'm not just doing this for selfish reasons. She can feel that I am doing it for her happiness, too.

I also have to report that since we decided to have earning extra chores as a consequence for bad behavior, we were led straight into defining more clearly what her regular chores were. Once I talked with her about what her regular chores were going to be, she took off with them. This morning, when I told her to get in the bath tub before her cousins got here, she said, “But Mom, remember how I am supposed to empty the dishwasher and trashcans? I gotta do that first.” I was like, Wow. You go girl. And she did. Awesome.

Read more about this awesome Family Government System at www.teachingselfgovernment.com. The Four Basic Skills are: 1) Following Instructions. 2) Accepting a No Answer 3) Accepting a Consequence and 4) Disagreeing Appropriately. Staying calm while doing all of these things is essential. Once an extra chore has been earned, if the child continues to be “out of instructional control” then they earn more consequences on top of that: a Major Maintenance, a SODA, and finally, 24 hours of no privileges (which means nothing but work and SODAS for 24 hours).