Through Another's Eyes

Several things came together in my mind tonight as I continued my reading of “The Anatomy of Peace” by the Arbinger Institute. I have been struggling with feeling connected to my almost-five-year-old daughter for some time now. My having a baby hasn't exactly fostered closeness between us. I thought this summer would allow us to reconnect since she would be home from school. But I became more concerned with my own to do list than with her and I've been anxious as time is flying by faster than it ever has before and there is very little time for me to dedicate to my personal goals. (Yes, sometimes I am really selfish!) Needless to say, I have not had much peace in my heart. So when a friend mentioned she was reading this book, I quickly requested it from the library.

I am only a little ways into it, but it talks about how there are two ways to do any behavior. You can do it with your heart at peace or at war. You can do things while seeing others as people with real hopes, needs, cares and fears or you can do things while seeing others as objects, obstacles, vehicles or irrelevancies. The book explains that many times we choose a course of action that ultimately will harm our own position, such as “stoking the fires of resentment in a spouse or anger in a child.” I read that and thought, 'Yes, I think my daughter has some anger towards me on some level.' Several interactions flashed through my mind. Obstacle: “I can't do that right now, I have to clean the kitchen.” “Let me do it.” Vehicle: “Do you know where brother's paci is?” “Go look at the microwave and tell me what time it is.” Irrelevancy: “What did you do that for?” “We don't have time for that.” “We can't do it that way.”

My daughter feels like an object to me. At least she does sometimes. My heart is not at peace toward her.

As this thought crystallized, I recalled some of my dad's advice that has stayed with me from a very young age. “One of the most important things you will ever learn in your entire life,” he said, “is how to see things through another person's eyes.”

This has come back to me frequently in the past couple of months. Now I see that God was trying to tell me something. I guess I have to read a whole book to figure it out sometimes. I thought about my daughter and the conflicts we regularly have. I get frustrated with her moving her 18 pound baby brother around because it makes him fussy and uncomfortable to be manhandled – or, rather, little-girl handled – like that. She doesn't really hurt him (usually), but I'm afraid she will. So I fuss at her for it. But really, she's just trying to sit him back up when he falls over. She's just trying to comfort him when he's a little fussy. And who should have taught her how to do it properly?

Me.

Another point the book makes is that if we spend the majority of our time helping things go right, we will be successful when we have to deal with things that are going wrong. Sigh. Me again. Did I have to turn 30 to start learning the lessons my parents tried to teach me? Will my daughter have to turn 30 before she starts learning what I'm trying to teach her? I really hope not!