Exercise Hope

I've been up and down the roller-coaster of emotion and life, with hills of zealous plans for accomplishment and valleys in the mundane slowness of life. All this in the midst of an effort to try to get back to a routine for my life that provides time for reaching goals while allowing flexibility to meet needs and nurture my family. I am finding that each time I progress and learn, I always return to my Lists and Schedules. Sometimes I overdo it, but I just cannot seem to live without structure and still thrive. When I let good habits slide, all other areas of my life begin to slide, too, as well as my attitudes and quality of life. Here's my list: I wake up early, pray, read scriptures, exercise most days, do garden or housework, shower, have family prayer, and so on. There are a number of things in the evening, too, such as family scripture study, more prayer and preparation for the following day, as well as spending time with my husband, that all have their own routine and place in ending my day well.

Anyway, just as I was getting into following that routine, which helps me eat healthier, too, (top of the hill, here) I decided one evening after the kids were in bed to try to start putting away the three large laundry baskets filled with clutter that had been cleared from other spaces in the house while cleaning over the past few weeks. For whatever reason, I just wasn't at the top of my game that night and I got really overwhelmed by the task. So I shirked the work and made cookies instead. It was a steep ride downhill from there. In no time, I was sailing straight into the depths of misery as I consumed many more cookies than I should have, inadvertently overlooking the milk warning on the chocolate chip label. (I am lactose intolerant). I was sick the whole night, not terribly, but enough to be unhappy. I was mostly mad at myself for the loss of control over such a small thing.

If I had just plowed through the task and used all that time more wisely, it would have been done and I would have been happy with the accomplishment. Or, if I had just followed my end of day routine and spent time talking with my husband, or praying for help, I would have been much more at peace in allowing the task to wait another day. The loopty-loops continued the following day as I drove 20 minutes to buy beads, then shopped for clothing for 1.5 hours with NO success with two children along, then missed my toddler's nap because he had a catnap on the way home and he couldn't go back to sleep after that...you can imagine what the rest of my day was like. I was depressed and down on myself. Dare I say I had allowed despair to displace all hope.

How does that happen? One moment we are at the top of the world, and in a matter of one or two choices, one or two thoughts, one or two reactions, and we are plummeting into despair faster than we can call for help.

I began to recover from that little episode as I read about hope in Elder Steven E. Snow's recent talk. I learned that hope is something that we can choose to exercise, just like faith and charity. He said, “Hope is an emotion which brings richness to our everyday lives. It is defined as “the feeling that … events will turn out for the best.” When we exercise hope, we 'look forward … with desire and reasonable confidence.' As such, hope brings a certain calming influence to our lives as we confidently look forward to future events.”

You know, usually, when things are just going wrong for me...like when I get online to research something and the internet doesn't work … or I search for ten minutes for my favorite cookie recipe and I can't find it … or I can't seem to find anything at all at the store, I usually try to take that as a sign that I should be doing something more worthwhile. Such as spending time with my children or husband or Lord. If I remember to do that and choose to just set my currently frustrating task aside (with hope that all things will work out for the best in the future), and go spend time in my relationships, then I am much more likely to have peace. But sometimes I choose to react to frustration with hopelessness and allow despair to replace my hope.

Of this, Elder Snow says, “We should never let hope be displaced by despair. The Apostle Paul wrote that we “should plow in hope” (1 Corinthians 9:10). The exercise of hope enriches our lives and helps us look forward to the future. Whether we are plowing fields to plant or plowing through life, it is imperative we ... have hope.”

The roller-coaster didn't end there. I returned to my routine and was steady for a while, until another hill crested and I began to be consumed by something else. That's for another post. For now, let's just say that I'm getting a lot of practice exercising my hope muscles. Slow and steady. Don't let the good habits slide. And what should I be doing that is more worthwhile?

Family First

Today I went to the grocery store and used one of the carts that has a race car attached to the front of it. The children sat in the front pretending to drive around the store. It was my toddler's first time and he emphatically turned the wheel and called out, “Eeeeeeeee!” all the way to the checkout line. We received so many smiles from passersby – and dodgers – and I generally enjoyed the trip. As I walked – or was chauffeured – to my van, another lady was backing up and caught a glimpse of us out her window. She looked like she might be about sixty-something. She smiled and glanced at the children repeatedly, clearly enjoying the glee on their faces.

I thought, why is it that we all are drawn to the children in a crowd, at a party, at the store, or a get-together? Why do I get so many smiles? All of the smiles are not the same. Some smiles are tolerant. Some smiles – from the other moms with small children – feel my pain/joy. Some smiles – from the empty-nesters – are reminiscent smiles as they think of a past that went by all too quickly. Those are the smiles that help me to have an eternal perspective about the trials of life.

Those are the smiles that make me remember that one day I will be the sixty-year-old smiling at the cute kids and … and what? Will I be remembering all the great things we did together? Savoring the beautiful feelings that those experiences created in me? Or will I be wishing with all my heart that I had spent so much more time loving and teaching them and less time doing … whatever else I was doing. Will there be a little sorrow behind my smile or will it be filled with true joy? I can choose that. Right. Now.