Do It Yourself...Or Not

Hello. My name is Tiffany Campbell. I have a disease. I am a perfectionist. I have been working toward recovery for several years now.

Wait – if you don't think you are a perfectionist, keep reading anyway. One of Satan's greatest weapons is isolation: disconnection from God, family, friends, and just people in general. He can use perfectionism to isolate you, or a myriad of other tactics, including passive-aggressive resentment, a lack of appropriate boundaries, ingratitude, unhealed childhood trauma, the general frustrations of daily living and just about any other type of emotional bondage he can get his filthy claws on.

One of the symptoms of my perfectionism has been an unwillingness to ask for help. Society's constant glorification of “being independent” has driven the nail further in the coffin on this one. Yep, I'm a do-it-yourselfer. Unfortunately, that seems to include keeping myself emotionally healthy – without anyone else's help. There's the disconnection. It can start in such small ways. Today, I peeled an especially frustrating hard-boiled egg that ended up mutilated in my hands. I was still calming myself from the disruption to my peaceful feeling when my daughter asked me (in the middle of dinner prep) to untie a knot that was also particularly stubborn. My perfectionist self, instead of risking showing any weakness, would have persevered until the knot was out, building up all kinds of anger along the way and allowing Satan's negative whisperings to influence me. Realizing that my peace was drifting further away, I courageously spoke up for my own needs and said, “I need some time to calm down and finish getting dinner ready before I work on this knot, sweetie. I'm feeling really frustrated.” Wow, what a difference that made in my evening!

Not only am I reluctant to seek help and understanding from others in meeting my own needs, I also have at times fallen into a resentment trap within my marriage. This is a boundary and communication issue as well as a perfectionist issue. It happens when instead of quickly finding an appropriate, respectful way to communicate my feelings if I feel I have been wronged or neglected in some way, I don't say anything because of a simple fear of confrontation (having to stand up for oneself and disagree (appropriately) with someone does not come too easily to a perfectionist either, since one of the main culprits that created my perfectionism was my need to please others and receive their praise, affirmation, and approval. If I don't have that, then something must be wrong with me. It's really tough for perfectionists to feel disliked or as though we have displeased someone...it's also really hard not to get what I want, but I didn't say that out loud). When I am falling into this trap, I do not ask for help within my marriage enough. Instead of seeking to connect, I withdraw and actually contribute even more to the disconnect and frustration I was feeling in the first place. Withdrawing from others is dangerous. It puts you right where the Adversary wants you. The less we are connected with others, the more influence the devil seems to have on our thoughts.

Recently my husband has taken the lead once again on our family's memorizing of an inspired document. First, we memorized The Living Christ, a testimony of the divinity and role of Jesus Christ, our Savior. Now, we are memorizing The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Each evening we have worked on this, new power and strength has come to our marriage and family. The first sentence is as follows. “We...solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator's plan for the eternal destiny of his children.” When my daughter asked what “ordained of God” meant, Daddy replied that it meant that God has given marriage special power. Wow. The crippling resentment that I've wasted my energy on has the potential to be replaced with real power when I choose to connect with my husband rather than withdraw. I knew as soon as he said it that it is true. Aside from God himself, I have felt no greater source of happiness and encouragement than in my husband when he is supporting me. No wonder Satan tries so hard to rob our relationship of connection.

Marriage is not the only relationship with power, however. There is a simple uplifting, encouraging strength that comes from connecting with people, whether it's a child, a friend, a spouse, or the local librarian. Shifting your focus from things to experiences, from self to others, is a healing balm like no other.

As I am beginning to understand the simple power of connecting with people, thanks in part to Nicholeen Peck's blog post, and also to Sister RosemaryWixom's talk in General Conference, I am finding new joy in life. As I let down my perfectionist standards and look at the tremendous progress our family has made over the past year, and even in the past month, I am beginning to feel like I'm actually succeeding. Not in a prideful, “all is well in Zion” way, but in a “truth will set you free” way.

The truth is, I don't have to get everything right. I don't have to do everything myself. I don't have to shy away from asking for help because that might mean that I'm weak or a failure. I can take time to connect with my family, to watch when my children ask me to watch – for the twentieth time, to sit down and read a book and let tasks wait that can wait. I can be flexible and allow my agenda to change for the day. I can just hang out with my family and friends. I can reach out instead of withdraw. When my eyes are resting on people, I can't see all the supposed material evidence laying around of all the ways I'm failing. When my focus is on people, I can't feel the nagging guilt that I ought to be achieving something right now instead of wasting my time chatting. (Ick! Do I really think that way sometimes?) Suddenly, surprise visits and interruptions are less of a nuisance and more of a pleasure. What a joyful way to live!

It is most significant that Satan's best efforts seem to be to disconnect me from God. Not only am I reluctant to ask for help from others, but I am forgetful of the partnership I am supposed to maintain with God on a daily – or hourly, if need be – basis through another matchless source of power: Prayer. As a perfectionist, I get into my agenda and can become obsessed with success, forgetting not only those I love, but the God I need. I will plug ahead on my own, with too much confidence in my own abilities, going through the motions of prayer, but not really giving it my thorough attention, then wondering why things aren't going so well. Prayer is like the pulse of my relationship with God. Connection with the Almighty always brings more peace, joy, and an increased capacity to apply the light and truth I've learned and become the person He means for me to be. So as I speak of the power of connection with others, God is most definitely not to be forgotten. In fact, the two are incredibly interrelated. After all, God often answers our prayers through other people. When we seek connection with Him, he responds by sending us other people, through whom we can feel His love.

We're not in this life to do it all by ourselves. We need Him. We need our family. We need our friends. We need people. I'm ready to finally stop resisting my need for connection and start tapping into deep reservoirs of energy, peace, and happiness by reaching out to God and others and responding when they reach out for me. We are instruments in His hands. I know that when we are trying our best to do something good, the Adversary will do his best to stop us, whispering to us that it's not worth it to pray and feeding us negative, isolating thoughts that keep us from connecting with people and reaching out for help. I'm so grateful for the way the Lord is leading me to discover things as they really are and as they really can be.