Through Another's Eyes

Several things came together in my mind tonight as I continued my reading of “The Anatomy of Peace” by the Arbinger Institute. I have been struggling with feeling connected to my almost-five-year-old daughter for some time now. My having a baby hasn't exactly fostered closeness between us. I thought this summer would allow us to reconnect since she would be home from school. But I became more concerned with my own to do list than with her and I've been anxious as time is flying by faster than it ever has before and there is very little time for me to dedicate to my personal goals. (Yes, sometimes I am really selfish!) Needless to say, I have not had much peace in my heart. So when a friend mentioned she was reading this book, I quickly requested it from the library.

I am only a little ways into it, but it talks about how there are two ways to do any behavior. You can do it with your heart at peace or at war. You can do things while seeing others as people with real hopes, needs, cares and fears or you can do things while seeing others as objects, obstacles, vehicles or irrelevancies. The book explains that many times we choose a course of action that ultimately will harm our own position, such as “stoking the fires of resentment in a spouse or anger in a child.” I read that and thought, 'Yes, I think my daughter has some anger towards me on some level.' Several interactions flashed through my mind. Obstacle: “I can't do that right now, I have to clean the kitchen.” “Let me do it.” Vehicle: “Do you know where brother's paci is?” “Go look at the microwave and tell me what time it is.” Irrelevancy: “What did you do that for?” “We don't have time for that.” “We can't do it that way.”

My daughter feels like an object to me. At least she does sometimes. My heart is not at peace toward her.

As this thought crystallized, I recalled some of my dad's advice that has stayed with me from a very young age. “One of the most important things you will ever learn in your entire life,” he said, “is how to see things through another person's eyes.”

This has come back to me frequently in the past couple of months. Now I see that God was trying to tell me something. I guess I have to read a whole book to figure it out sometimes. I thought about my daughter and the conflicts we regularly have. I get frustrated with her moving her 18 pound baby brother around because it makes him fussy and uncomfortable to be manhandled – or, rather, little-girl handled – like that. She doesn't really hurt him (usually), but I'm afraid she will. So I fuss at her for it. But really, she's just trying to sit him back up when he falls over. She's just trying to comfort him when he's a little fussy. And who should have taught her how to do it properly?

Me.

Another point the book makes is that if we spend the majority of our time helping things go right, we will be successful when we have to deal with things that are going wrong. Sigh. Me again. Did I have to turn 30 to start learning the lessons my parents tried to teach me? Will my daughter have to turn 30 before she starts learning what I'm trying to teach her? I really hope not!

Define Yourself

Someone at church today asked us to think back to our childhood to a time when we dreamed of the future and what we would be when we grew up. Then she asked if all that had transpired in our lives matched up to those dreams. Did we plan on trials? Are we where we thought we'd be at our age? As I thought this over, joy swelled in my heart as I realized that I do already have or am working toward everything I dreamed of then, at least within my own little family. There are other dreams that have yet to be realized, but I have faith in the Lord that in His own good time, those will come into being as well.

The speaker went on to say that when we look back over our lives as a whole, there are moments that define who we really are. I thought back over the past six months and realized that my husband and I have probably faced more trials in this six month period than we have in the past few years. I looked over at my husband and thought of how much closer we had become through these trials. We are much more unified, much more concerned for one another, and though I never thought it possible, much more in love. Our trials have forced us into moments that define who we really are.

I have had cause this year to see many broken relationships all around me. I look at my amazing marriage and my beautiful children and my friendships. I see that I still have a relationship with my parents although I am all grown up now. I wonder why I am so blessed, so incredibly blessed to have all this around me. And when the tears in my eyes are wiped away and I can see clearly, one bold emblazoned truth shines before me. It takes the form of our Savior, Jesus Christ, and his awesome guiding force in my life.

The topic of the speaker's talk today was “Come Unto Christ.” The times in my life when I have tried my hardest to come unto the Savior are the times when my relationships have been strengthened and preserved. If I have turned away from him in any degree, then those relationships suffer.  

Throughout my life, I have evaluated myself frequently for how I could improve this way or that way. Do more, be better, etc. This weekend as I had several moments to reflect on the people my husband and I have become, I felt a surge of confidence overwhelm me. Not so much a feeling of pride as it was a simple assurance that my Heavenly Father is pleased with me and I can be happy to be who I am. Not long after, another feeling followed on its heels: a feeling of humble gratitude for my life.  

Had He not guided me to the family I was born into, to the man I love, to the Church I belong to, I would be lost. Lost and looking for peace, yet I would not know where to find it. I am incredibly grateful because he did bring me to parents who would do their best to shape me into a woman with a testimony of Christ and his teachings. He did bring me to a husband who is man enough to lead me and cherish me, to the Church that taught me how to hear my Heavenly Father's will through that still small voice that is His Holy Spirit and taught me how to grow closer to His Son, Jesus Christ. It is that relationship that strengthens all the others.

I know, (and I am forever grateful to Him for this knowledge), that I am a daughter of God. I know He has a plan for my life. I know He gave each of us talents and dreams that we might lift up those around us and strengthen our relationships. I know that each soul is of great worth in His sight. I know that He needs us to stand up for what is right, even when taking a stand is more frightening than all we have experienced and we risk losing that which is dear to us. He who is the Father of the human race has confidence in His children. Is there a dream He has planted in your heart that remains unrealized? Is there a talent that remains unused? Pray for help, and stand up and act in faith. Create a moment that will define who you really are. Then watch as the masterpiece of your life unfolds before you, beautiful and glorious as only the Master can paint it.