The Power of Calm

Today I chose to be calm in a very frustrating situation.

I spent an hour making a poster. I was careful to watch my son to make sure he didn't write on it – that is, until I was distracted by a very important character issue with my daughter in the next room. He drew on it while I was in the middle of discussing what happened with her.

I was SO angry. I yelled, “I knew it! I knew he would do that!” (if given the chance).

Then I stopped yelling. With all of the listening I've been doing to Nicholeen Peck, I am finally beginning to check myself for calmness. Late on the draw, obviously, in this case, but nonetheless, I did it.

I clenched the tape dispenser with all my strength. I breathed deeply, saying nothing else. Several times. Clench the tape dispenser (it was one of those really big ones with the foam-covered handles). Breathe. Close eyes. Breathe. Clench teeth. Breathe. What am I going to do? What has truly happened here? Is it really all that important? More important than my children? No.

I opened my eyes. Still with some upset rattling around in my chest, but with a calm (for me) and even tone, I described what my son had done and that he was earning a long Time Out and extra chores. (For the record, I'm quite certain I had given him an instruction not to write on it when he was sitting beside me watching me earlier). Then I gently carried my two-year-old to Time Out.

Still not the Queen of Calm, I warned my daughter that now was not the time to discuss any further what she had done and she needed to accept her consequences immediately and do them. (It was an extra chore and a S.O.D.A). I needed some time to calm down (or else I might take this out on her). I left her to vacuum the living room and went downstairs to cool down where the yells of my son could not be heard so clearly.

I paced around with my anger and frustration. My hands scrubbed my face and ran through my hair. I prayed for help. I paced some more. I put my head up against the glass of our french doors. I noted that I still was not hearing the vacuum. Then I prayed more sincerely and humbly for the Lord to take this anger away from me so I could deal with this appropriately without hurting my children or our relationship. I knew I could not do this without Him.

(I have to add here that this happens frequently – not anger this intense, no, but anger nonetheless, or perhaps anxiety is the better word – and too frequently I pray for help in some feeble manner, “Heavenly Father, please just help me” and then without really having faith in myself that I can overcome my upset feelings and actually be calm and loving in the subsequent interaction with my family, regardless of whether or not I prayed, I proceed to speak with a tone that still sounds upset. It's like it's out of habit, and I do it because my past has programmed me to do it, even while feeling a sense of peace in my heart that tells me all will be well and deep in my soul, I am not really all that upset about this.)

I was afraid I was going to do this again. Act out even when I felt capable of true self-control in my heart.

But this time was different. I was continuing to exude upset behavior as I scrubbed my face again and began to clench my muscles and teeth again, wondering how in the world I was going to go back upstairs without doling out some seriously hurtful Disapproval of Children, but then I caught myself. Something was different. I recognized a distinction between my body language and outward actions and the inner peace that was washing over my heart. Instead of giving in to my old habits, I chose to embrace the peace in my heart. I literally thought, “Wait just a minute, these actions are not me anymore. I don't have to fail at this. I can be 'centered.'”

I'm not sure, but I think the only reason it clicked so powerfully this time and got through to me was because someone told me that I had the power to choose to be calm. I always knew that, but I never really knew that. Too often, I am a victim of my emotions, in bondage to them. This time, I embraced the peace Heavenly Father was sending me instead of rejecting it in favor of old familiar 'victim mentality' ways.

I went back upstairs and handled what could have been a very explosive interaction with complete calmness and even a few smiles. At first, my daughter was glum. I actually said to her, “This is me trying to be a better mom,” and I smiled, “okay?” She lightened up after that. I walked her through disagreeing appropriately about the chore I gave her, negotiated fairly with her without letting her infringe on my boundaries (walk all over me) and when my son's ten-minute Time Out was over, I calmly approached him and apologized for yelling at him. I told him how hard I'd worked on the poster and that now I would have to do all of that hard work over again. I told him he had some extra chores to do. He said, “Wotsa extra chores?” I said, “Yes, lots.” Then I calmly required him to do lots of extra chores before I let him off the hook.

As I led my children through their chores, I naturally began to work with them. The work was soothing as I watched my house return to a sense of order. A strange thing happened as I worked with my children. I held absolutely no resentment in my heart toward them for the work I was going to have to redo. Clarity and peace washed over me and increased. I felt empowered, as though I could handle anything (provided I actually remember to sincerely pray for help). I was free of resentment and contention, grumpiness and failure. I was no longer a victim. Wow!

Reservoirs of strength were refilled, or perhaps filled for the first time in my life, I'm not sure which.

Frequently, when things like this happen, my children get over it far sooner than me. This time, I was free. I didn't dwell. I didn't sulk. I didn't mope. I just went on with fixing dinner and being playful with my children. We had a rather lovely evening together.

I did not realize how much power there truly is in simply choosing to be calm. Come to think of it, this morning I read my scriptures (Scripture Power Keeps Me Safe From Sin! Maybe that's why I was better able to stay calm!). I read in James 1. "Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God...Whoso looketh into the perfect law of liberty, and continueth therein, he being not a forgetful hearer, but a doer of the work, this man shall be blessed in his deed." And in verse 26, we must "bridle our tongues." 

Getting Through to Our Children

I often feel frustrated when I watch my children mistreating each other and others (and me) because I feel as though I have not taught them well enough about how to actually follow that golden rule we've talked about so many times. I mean, really, how many weekly Family Night Lessons and daily devotionals have been devoted to this topic of treating others with respect and kindness? Do unto others as you would have them do unto you!!! Please? (I mean, can't you just ignore all those times I didn't follow it myself instead of absorbing them like a sponge?)

I've wondered all too often what I could say or do differently and whether or not I would ever be able to really get through to them. Why don't they seem to understand the practical application of the principles I've been trying to teach them? (Other than that I don't consistently live them...did I say that out loud?)

Well, this week, a few events coincided that brought about an amazing teaching moment with my daughter, who is seven. Because she will be turning eight this year, she will be reaching what Latter-Day Saints know as the age of accountability. This means she will be old enough to be responsible for her actions and capable of committing sin and repenting. At age eight, she will be eligible to be baptized and receive the Gift of the Holy Ghost. This coming Sunday, there will be a “fireside” service at our church aimed at explaining to the children what baptism is all about and how, through this ordinance, they will be making a covenant with God. They will promise to remember Christ and follow His commandments, and Heavenly Father promises to bless them with His Spirit, forgiveness when they repent, and eternal life.

So, in preparation for this fireside, all of our devotionals have centered around baptism and this covenant she will be making to follow His commandments, especially the Golden Rule, to the best of her ability. Also this week, I listened to a new seminar I purchased over the holidays from Nicholeen Peck, called The Power of Calm. The message is all about how we, as parents, must set an example of calm rather than reacting with anger and feeding into the power struggles our children's behavior often sucks us into. Is it really worth ruining the feeling of love in your home or ruining the loving relationship that you have with your children or spouse just because you feel an impulse to get angry/annoyed over whatever choice that person just made? Um, no. The relationships are more important than any particular situation.

So, this morning, we were reading Alma 7:23, which says, “And now I would that ye should be humble, and be submissive and gentle; easy to be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive.”

While we were trying to make it through this long verse, my daughter was engaging in a particular bad habit which I had given her an instruction not to do during our reading. I gently placed my hand on her hand to remind her of the instruction as I often do, and she flung my hand away with a little grunt. I stopped reading the verse and took this perfect opportunity to teach her what it meant to be patient and long-suffering, and gentle (as in, she was suffering emotionally because she was annoyed that I put my hand on hers). There was a better way to handle this. Instead of flinging my hand away, she could have patiently requested that I move my hand. She responded by gently removing my hand from hers without speaking. I said that was good, too.

Then I said, “Do you see how every situation has two ways that you can deal with it? You can be calm and kind and preserve the love you have between you and that person, or you can be impatient and angry and ruin the feeling of love between you.” It was like I could see the lights going on in her eyes as she internalized this.

Just to be sure she understood, I asked her to tell it back to me. She said, “If you be nice, then it doesn't destroy your love, but if you are mean or yucki, then it destroys the love that you have with them.”

Yes. Wow. How true that is and how ignorant I've been of that fact. It's the why behind the Golden Rule. How selfish I've been at times, putting my own emotional neediness (and perhaps it could be laziness in self-control) over and above these precious relationships with my husband and children.

It will take time for this new habit to take root both in my daughter and in myself. It will be a retraining of our brains. When anger begins to form in our hearts, we must train ourselves to ask whether or not satisfying the angry (or annoyed) impulse is worth ruining the feeling of love in our relationships and home. It might mean that Mommy takes a time-out herself before she discusses what just happened. It might mean we stand there together and breathe deeply for a few minutes. Whatever it takes, it will be worth it to preserve our love, build a calm atmosphere and finally learn how to actually follow that Golden Rule.