Getting Through to Our Children

I often feel frustrated when I watch my children mistreating each other and others (and me) because I feel as though I have not taught them well enough about how to actually follow that golden rule we've talked about so many times. I mean, really, how many weekly Family Night Lessons and daily devotionals have been devoted to this topic of treating others with respect and kindness? Do unto others as you would have them do unto you!!! Please? (I mean, can't you just ignore all those times I didn't follow it myself instead of absorbing them like a sponge?)

I've wondered all too often what I could say or do differently and whether or not I would ever be able to really get through to them. Why don't they seem to understand the practical application of the principles I've been trying to teach them? (Other than that I don't consistently live them...did I say that out loud?)

Well, this week, a few events coincided that brought about an amazing teaching moment with my daughter, who is seven. Because she will be turning eight this year, she will be reaching what Latter-Day Saints know as the age of accountability. This means she will be old enough to be responsible for her actions and capable of committing sin and repenting. At age eight, she will be eligible to be baptized and receive the Gift of the Holy Ghost. This coming Sunday, there will be a “fireside” service at our church aimed at explaining to the children what baptism is all about and how, through this ordinance, they will be making a covenant with God. They will promise to remember Christ and follow His commandments, and Heavenly Father promises to bless them with His Spirit, forgiveness when they repent, and eternal life.

So, in preparation for this fireside, all of our devotionals have centered around baptism and this covenant she will be making to follow His commandments, especially the Golden Rule, to the best of her ability. Also this week, I listened to a new seminar I purchased over the holidays from Nicholeen Peck, called The Power of Calm. The message is all about how we, as parents, must set an example of calm rather than reacting with anger and feeding into the power struggles our children's behavior often sucks us into. Is it really worth ruining the feeling of love in your home or ruining the loving relationship that you have with your children or spouse just because you feel an impulse to get angry/annoyed over whatever choice that person just made? Um, no. The relationships are more important than any particular situation.

So, this morning, we were reading Alma 7:23, which says, “And now I would that ye should be humble, and be submissive and gentle; easy to be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive.”

While we were trying to make it through this long verse, my daughter was engaging in a particular bad habit which I had given her an instruction not to do during our reading. I gently placed my hand on her hand to remind her of the instruction as I often do, and she flung my hand away with a little grunt. I stopped reading the verse and took this perfect opportunity to teach her what it meant to be patient and long-suffering, and gentle (as in, she was suffering emotionally because she was annoyed that I put my hand on hers). There was a better way to handle this. Instead of flinging my hand away, she could have patiently requested that I move my hand. She responded by gently removing my hand from hers without speaking. I said that was good, too.

Then I said, “Do you see how every situation has two ways that you can deal with it? You can be calm and kind and preserve the love you have between you and that person, or you can be impatient and angry and ruin the feeling of love between you.” It was like I could see the lights going on in her eyes as she internalized this.

Just to be sure she understood, I asked her to tell it back to me. She said, “If you be nice, then it doesn't destroy your love, but if you are mean or yucki, then it destroys the love that you have with them.”

Yes. Wow. How true that is and how ignorant I've been of that fact. It's the why behind the Golden Rule. How selfish I've been at times, putting my own emotional neediness (and perhaps it could be laziness in self-control) over and above these precious relationships with my husband and children.

It will take time for this new habit to take root both in my daughter and in myself. It will be a retraining of our brains. When anger begins to form in our hearts, we must train ourselves to ask whether or not satisfying the angry (or annoyed) impulse is worth ruining the feeling of love in our relationships and home. It might mean that Mommy takes a time-out herself before she discusses what just happened. It might mean we stand there together and breathe deeply for a few minutes. Whatever it takes, it will be worth it to preserve our love, build a calm atmosphere and finally learn how to actually follow that Golden Rule.