The Power of Calm

Today I chose to be calm in a very frustrating situation.

I spent an hour making a poster. I was careful to watch my son to make sure he didn't write on it – that is, until I was distracted by a very important character issue with my daughter in the next room. He drew on it while I was in the middle of discussing what happened with her.

I was SO angry. I yelled, “I knew it! I knew he would do that!” (if given the chance).

Then I stopped yelling. With all of the listening I've been doing to Nicholeen Peck, I am finally beginning to check myself for calmness. Late on the draw, obviously, in this case, but nonetheless, I did it.

I clenched the tape dispenser with all my strength. I breathed deeply, saying nothing else. Several times. Clench the tape dispenser (it was one of those really big ones with the foam-covered handles). Breathe. Close eyes. Breathe. Clench teeth. Breathe. What am I going to do? What has truly happened here? Is it really all that important? More important than my children? No.

I opened my eyes. Still with some upset rattling around in my chest, but with a calm (for me) and even tone, I described what my son had done and that he was earning a long Time Out and extra chores. (For the record, I'm quite certain I had given him an instruction not to write on it when he was sitting beside me watching me earlier). Then I gently carried my two-year-old to Time Out.

Still not the Queen of Calm, I warned my daughter that now was not the time to discuss any further what she had done and she needed to accept her consequences immediately and do them. (It was an extra chore and a S.O.D.A). I needed some time to calm down (or else I might take this out on her). I left her to vacuum the living room and went downstairs to cool down where the yells of my son could not be heard so clearly.

I paced around with my anger and frustration. My hands scrubbed my face and ran through my hair. I prayed for help. I paced some more. I put my head up against the glass of our french doors. I noted that I still was not hearing the vacuum. Then I prayed more sincerely and humbly for the Lord to take this anger away from me so I could deal with this appropriately without hurting my children or our relationship. I knew I could not do this without Him.

(I have to add here that this happens frequently – not anger this intense, no, but anger nonetheless, or perhaps anxiety is the better word – and too frequently I pray for help in some feeble manner, “Heavenly Father, please just help me” and then without really having faith in myself that I can overcome my upset feelings and actually be calm and loving in the subsequent interaction with my family, regardless of whether or not I prayed, I proceed to speak with a tone that still sounds upset. It's like it's out of habit, and I do it because my past has programmed me to do it, even while feeling a sense of peace in my heart that tells me all will be well and deep in my soul, I am not really all that upset about this.)

I was afraid I was going to do this again. Act out even when I felt capable of true self-control in my heart.

But this time was different. I was continuing to exude upset behavior as I scrubbed my face again and began to clench my muscles and teeth again, wondering how in the world I was going to go back upstairs without doling out some seriously hurtful Disapproval of Children, but then I caught myself. Something was different. I recognized a distinction between my body language and outward actions and the inner peace that was washing over my heart. Instead of giving in to my old habits, I chose to embrace the peace in my heart. I literally thought, “Wait just a minute, these actions are not me anymore. I don't have to fail at this. I can be 'centered.'”

I'm not sure, but I think the only reason it clicked so powerfully this time and got through to me was because someone told me that I had the power to choose to be calm. I always knew that, but I never really knew that. Too often, I am a victim of my emotions, in bondage to them. This time, I embraced the peace Heavenly Father was sending me instead of rejecting it in favor of old familiar 'victim mentality' ways.

I went back upstairs and handled what could have been a very explosive interaction with complete calmness and even a few smiles. At first, my daughter was glum. I actually said to her, “This is me trying to be a better mom,” and I smiled, “okay?” She lightened up after that. I walked her through disagreeing appropriately about the chore I gave her, negotiated fairly with her without letting her infringe on my boundaries (walk all over me) and when my son's ten-minute Time Out was over, I calmly approached him and apologized for yelling at him. I told him how hard I'd worked on the poster and that now I would have to do all of that hard work over again. I told him he had some extra chores to do. He said, “Wotsa extra chores?” I said, “Yes, lots.” Then I calmly required him to do lots of extra chores before I let him off the hook.

As I led my children through their chores, I naturally began to work with them. The work was soothing as I watched my house return to a sense of order. A strange thing happened as I worked with my children. I held absolutely no resentment in my heart toward them for the work I was going to have to redo. Clarity and peace washed over me and increased. I felt empowered, as though I could handle anything (provided I actually remember to sincerely pray for help). I was free of resentment and contention, grumpiness and failure. I was no longer a victim. Wow!

Reservoirs of strength were refilled, or perhaps filled for the first time in my life, I'm not sure which.

Frequently, when things like this happen, my children get over it far sooner than me. This time, I was free. I didn't dwell. I didn't sulk. I didn't mope. I just went on with fixing dinner and being playful with my children. We had a rather lovely evening together.

I did not realize how much power there truly is in simply choosing to be calm. Come to think of it, this morning I read my scriptures (Scripture Power Keeps Me Safe From Sin! Maybe that's why I was better able to stay calm!). I read in James 1. "Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God...Whoso looketh into the perfect law of liberty, and continueth therein, he being not a forgetful hearer, but a doer of the work, this man shall be blessed in his deed." And in verse 26, we must "bridle our tongues."