Paradigm Shift

Both of my children cried themselves to sleep last night. My daughter is five and she still has trouble – or resistance, rather, to going to bed. Oh, I know, all of us sappy hearts (including myself) are hearing the country song play in our heads “let them be little...” But this past week, I've realized some pretty huge things about parenting and how wrong I've been.
Hello. My name is Tiffany Campbell. And I give in. I also rescue, reward arguing and criticize. Since this is confession time, I'll say here that my daughter had her pacifier until she was two and a half. Is that even legal?

So I was sitting in church as they were passing around the bread and I watched my daughter defy me again and again. I told her to sit down several times and she just didn't. She still tests my word. She has always tested and pushed and tried to bend the rules as far as possible just to see how far she could bend them before they would break. “She's such a strong spirit,” I told myself. And she is. She has to be.

All this is due to some family drama last week during which I was called out on my attempts to give my children whatever they want. I went begging for advice of some wise people and was given the book entitled, “Let's Fix the Kids” by James J. Jones. I've been listening to some of his seminars on CD. (I almost typed on tape – yes I'm old enough to remember something that the rising generation thinks is ancient!)

Anyway, his first three rules are Never Lie, Never Argue and Never Criticize. According to him, lying is when you tell the kid she has to finish her dinner to get dessert and after her resistance, you say, well, just take two bites of everything and then you can have dessert. It destroys your credibility with the child. Counting doesn't really work either. I've taught my daughter that she does not have to listen to me unless I count to five. All that teaches is that she can get away with it for four more seconds longer than she should.

When school started, we told her we would leave her room at 8:30 so she could get to sleep on school nights. She doesn't resist every night, but we have been consistent and she doesn't like it much. Oh, we still tickle and laugh and read books and snuggle, but we have to leave at 8:30.
This past week, I finally worked up the courage, thanks to Mr. Jones, to allow the baby to fuss in the middle of the night instead of picking him up every time he wakes up. Finally, after all this time and trouble and sleep-deprivation, I got up, gave him the pacifier, made sure he had a dry diaper and left the room. And what did he do? He cried, he struggled, he got mad and fussed. For fifteen minutes, not even very loudly. Then he went to sleep. The next night, he slept for seven hours straight! And then he did it again the next night. For those of you who don't know or may not remember what it's like to go for months without uninterrupted sleep, let me tell you how glorious and grateful I felt when I woke up after six straight hours of sleep. Just take a really deep breath, feel yourself relax and let go of tension – then magnify that feeling by about a thousand and add a really big smile.

He had a hard time last night because he was woken up from his carseat slumber when we got home, so it was a little harder for him to fall asleep, but he did it just fine. I finished packing lunches for tomorrow and sat on the stairs listening to my daughter fake-cry. I needed to listen. I needed to hear it to remind myself that this is what I have done to her. I have led her to believe that she should always be rescued by mommy before she has to deal with any of her problems. She came into this world not quite sure what to expect. She's taken her cues from me and Daddy. That's it for the most part. We're it.

It was a huge eye-opener learning that children actually have to struggle in order to learn how to cope with life. If we do everything for them or step in every time, we're actually crippling them. If we set a rule and don't enforce it, then we are distorting their view of things as they really are. We teach them to negotiate their way out of consequences (ie ARGUE). Then what do we do? We lament because of all this arguing going on. Don't even get me started on the criticizing and perfectionism...

I bring all these things I've been learning to my blog because of this: The way our children view and respond to us is the way they will view and respond to God.

I watched my daughter resist tonight and I thought of my relationship with Heavenly Father and His Son. How different is it, really? When He gives us His commandments and we have to change some fundamental habit or belief that is so ingrained in our souls in order to become more like Him. There are some commandments that I've been just like an ungrateful, arguing brat about. Each time I'm prompted to make a better choice, I've said, “No!” like a child and done it anyway. Whether I'm saying no to my conscience or the Spirit or God, whatever it is, I have this tendency to want to assert my will over His. To say, “I know how to do it all by myself. I don't need your help. I don't have to. Don't tell me what to do.” Not out loud, of course, but somewhere in me, it's there when I'm ignoring a commandment, or rationalizing my disobedience to it. “I don't have time to pray! Besides...”

Heavenly Father is an unchanging God. What are we teaching if we set a rule and then ten minutes later (or five days), change the rule? With no explanation and no reason other than to make following it easier! Whew! Thank goodness I'm learning about this now. Lots of paradigm shifts going on this past month or so for me. Anyone have any thoughts?

Perception is Reality

This morning, my daughter was hard at work in the next room until she finally brought me the finished product of her efforts: a birthday card for her mommy. It was quite elaborate, with colorful felt squares, stickers, and even a ribbon tied around it to close up the card. I was touched. What a sweet daughter I have! Later in the day, I went into the living room and discovered the remains of her card making adventure. The contents of my sewing box were strewn all over the couch and I realized that her “ribbon” was actually sewing tape. Now, normally, when I walk up on a mess like this, I would have called for her to come clean it up and firmly reminded her that she should not leave messes laying around the house, probably with a little too much disapproval in my tone. But today, because I correctly perceived her intentions as she was making this mess, I lovingly cleaned it up for her, happy to be reminded of her kindness. Someone once told me that perception is reality – at least for the person living with it.

I've heard women talk about the first six months after having a new baby as sort of a foggy period from which they finally emerge. My son is 7 months old now and I think I am finally re-entering reality as I knew it about a year ago. Some of you may remember my optimistic post on turning 30 and how I had progressed a lot during my twenties and felt that turning thirty was starting a new chapter in my life – one that would be better. Well, the Lord had a few more things to teach me this year. It has been a difficult one. The intense emotion and physical drain brought on by having a new baby left me spent and in great need of the Lord's help.

Looking back, I remember a journal entry made just before Valentine's Day this year in which I stated that I wanted to be the kind of person who acts Christlike even when I am under a lot of pressure and stress. After I said that, life dealt out blow after blow of pressure and stress this year. I kept wondering, why is this such a hard year? I know I had the baby, but all this? This is over and above anything I had prepared myself for. Things have happened. Words have been exchanged. Hearts have hardened. Relationships have changed. My heart has sorrowed. It hasn't been all bad, of course, but this past month especially I have been caught in a dark cloud of guilt and frustration mixed with confusion about my role in life and my family.
Then this morning I started reading some old letters and journal entries I had written. And I realized...

I forgot who I am.

You could say I backpedaled, had some setbacks, got off track. However you sugarcoat it, the truth is that I was being deceived – by the greatest Deceiver of all. His name is Satan and he wants us all to be miserable. He tries to lead us, gently and carefully and ever so gradually down to hell.

But yet again the Lord has used my trials to teach me. He has “consecrated all my afflictions to work together for my good.” As I read those old letters, I started remembering things I had done that I wasn't giving myself credit for. I was harboring all this guilt for not trying harder when in fact, I did try my best. It's like when everything's blurry at the eye doctor's until the right lens clicks into place in front of your eye and suddenly you can see crystal clear. Something clicked into place today and I remembered who I was. Guilt was released. Peace came to me. I felt in tune with the Lord again. I am me again.

I looked at my negativity over the past month and asked myself: What was I doing? I honestly don't know. Except that I was listening to Satan. I am amazed at how subtly he twists ideas and words into prideful suggestions of how to react and think. He slowly and gradually lured me into certain perceptions that simply weren't true. About my family. About people. About myself. I was more angry, more overwhelmed, more resentful and worried, much less productive.
My perception was my reality. I experienced this firsthand this summer. I am pleasantly surprised to remember that things are not so bad after all. I am actually a really good person. I do have pretty good relationships. My family has succeeded at many of our goals. We can truly have the Spirit in our home. I can speak kindly to my daughter all day long.

Some of the biggest misconceptions come when I perceive other people's intentions incorrectly. And when I feel responsible for other people's choices.

Jacob 4:13 says, “The Spirit speaketh of things as they really are.” I was reading those old journals – why? Because while I was praying and studying scriptures in the morning, I felt the need to read them. During all this time that Satan has been luring me away from the truth – guess what I haven't been doing? Studying my scriptures. Guess what I started doing consistently this past month? Studying my scriptures! Praying! I have been asking all year long for the Lord's help. But I wasn't always humbling myself enough to receive it! The talk I gave at church last month was only a turning point (see two posts ago). When I started studying the scriptures and seeking for answers, two things happened. I began to perceive things correctly again. At the same time, Satan also redoubled his efforts.

My friend, Minerva, recently had an article published in a church magazine. In it, she said that God “waits for us to have the faith and strength to come unto Him.” When I read that wonderful insight, I thought, why does it take strength to come unto Him? Now I realize that it takes strength to pull away from Satan's influence. It takes strength, not weakness, to get down on your knees every single day to pray for help. It takes strength to tune out the shouting accusations from Satan and listen to the still, small voice of the Spirit instead. It takes strength to become the people that the Lord would have us be. To climb the mountain and hold our place, to not slide back down. To find the Savior and then keep him close to our hearts.