Sunday, November 21, 2010

Of Things That Matter Most

I've been hearing a lot about self-mastery, faith, and choices lately. I've been going back to the General Conference Archive and listening to some great talks again. President Uchtdorf's talk entitled “Of Things That Matter Most” in particular stood out to me and brought relief.

Last year was a huge leap for me with regards to my novel. I accomplished more in six months than I had in years. I got the first book in the series almost completed. Then I took a break, had some great holidays, had a baby, and well... I think I finished up a few partial chapters back in April and wrote one new one in September. Other than that, I really haven't written all year, other than in my journal and for this blog and a few letters. I kept thinking when my daughter started Kindergarten, I would get back to it consistently. So it's been on my mind for about three months now and I just haven't gotten to it. I've been mostly at peace about it, but a feeling of discord has been rising in me and I've been getting worried that I will never find the time to return to it again.

But a woman at church today said that you have to give your problems to the Lord and then stop worrying. You can still ponder and pray about them, but you can stop worrying and live with faith that the matter is in the Lord's hands. I thought, “Yes, I need to live with faith that if the Lord wants me to write this book, he will prepare a way for me to do it.”

President Uchtdorf said, “When stress levels rise, when distress appears, when tragedy strikes, too often we attempt to keep up the same frantic pace or even accelerate, thinking somehow that the more rushed our pace, the better off we will be...It is said that any virtue when taken to an extreme can become a vice. Overscheduling our days would certainly qualify for this. There comes a point where milestones can become millstones and ambitions, albatrosses around our necks.”

What a blessing it was for me to hear this. I am so incredibly talented at overscheduling my life, it is frightening sometimes. It's always a relief to be reminded that I am allowed to be human.

The parenting CD's I've been listening to gave me another eye-opener when I learned about the things that “drive” children (and thus adults). One of them “Be perfect.” Another is “Be Strong.” Don't let life get you down. No matter what happens, we're supposed to bounce back, take it in stride, never miss a beat, keep on keepin' on, and just keep smiling. Sometimes we get sent this message that we shouldn't feel what we feel. That we need to just get over it and stop crying.

What I'm realizing is that if we want to have self-mastery and be able to make those right choices, to focus on the Things that Matter Most, then we have to know the self we are trying to master. We have to admit the truth. And the truth is weakness. But that's okay! We're human. No matter how hard I try, I'm not superhuman. I can't always get everything done. I can't always smile. I can't always succeed. It's okay to ask for some time alone.

Being perfect has been a big “driver” for me. Learning that it's okay to fail has been hard, but liberating. I'm learning to expect what is realistic. To forgive myself for not accomplishing, or rather to release the feeling that I need to forgive myself. I'm learning that even if I fail at being the perfect example for my children, I can apologize and move forward and try to do better and it won't actually ruin my kid in the process. Kids don't need to see us being perfect all the time. They need to see how we deal with being imperfect. Dealing with that requires reliance on the Savior. Admitting failure. Being weak. They need to see that it's okay to fail, to feel, to cry, to pray, to move on, to try again. When we let go of this facade of always trying to be perfect and strong for ourselves, our family, our friends, we can slow down and focus on the joy of what matters most: them.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Weeding

Today I worked in the beautiful weather weeding my flowerbed. I did several other jobs outside, including cleaning up the shingles that were strewn all over the driveway around the pallet and the wooden pallets/plywood that have been leaning against the house for several years now. Now we can walk in between the house and the shingle load. Amazing. Now why did I not ever do that before? Why did I let my flower garden get overgrown with weeds and messy looking? Why have I allowed my house to get so cluttered? To be so out of order? I am truly seeing now the real connection there can be between the state of one's surroundings and possessions and the state of that person's mind and emotions, and their self-image.

Every weed I pull, every space I declutter, I feel a little more healed.

The most amazing thing about weeding in the flower garden today was that I didn't worry about anything else while I was doing it. I just did the work. I didn't rush through it or begrudge that it had to be done. I didn't even hate myself for allowing it to get so overgrown. I just worked and talked with my daughter. I just enjoyed being outdoors. I didn't feel guilty for not spending the time serving someone else or doing something else. It was the most enjoyable weeding I've ever done in my life. (and I hate weeding!)

Suddenly, I'm not in a hurry all the time about my to do list. It's just there, waiting for me, whenever I can get to it. Of course, there are still things that have deadlines and things that need to be done in a timely manner. But I'm allowing myself to work them into my life, not work my life around the things on my list. It was such a beautiful day and I just wanted to be outside, so I went outside! Too many days of my life, I've come up with excuses for why I cannot waste time outdoors when there is so much to be done in the house. What a shame.

I was feeling so great about my day and then my husband came home. He had a busy, stressful day. I've still been enjoying the bliss of having our family work together to clean up after dinner. But tonight, while Daddy stepped out of the kitchen for a few moments, I encouraged my daughter to help me quickly do his jobs for him so he could relax. It was our big secret that we surprised him with when he came back in.

I am ashamed to admit that this was one of too few times in my life when I felt true charity, as the pure love of Christ. I knew that my husband was going to come back in ready to help clean up, and I knew that he'd had a hard day. It was fun and I was filled with love as I did his jobs for him. I wasn't resentful, like I used to be – ya know, when I never would ask him to help me with anything (well, almost never). It's like now that I am learning how to respect myself and love myself, I am feeling more loved by others, too.

I definitely have a lot more to be thankful for this year at Thanksgiving!

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Chains Breaking, Shackles Falling

Since my eyes have been opened to my workaholic and codependent tendencies, as well as my perfectionism and tendency to feel responsible for the whole world, I have started to change. I almost can't believe it. I almost want to knock on wood right now. It seems too good to be true. But then I remember. It is true. The Lord is teaching me and helping me in ways no one else could. It truly feels like the chains that Satan was binding me with are breaking and his shackles are falling away. I can't believe how much energy I was losing because of worry and stress.

So I've been letting everyone else own their problems. And I've actually had some time to focus on owning my problems... And time to enjoy being with my children. And time to think about what to teach them. And time to exercise. And time to do a few of the things on my to do list that have been sitting there for months and months.

One other thing has happened to coincide with these changes. My husband and I have taken on the responsibility of teaching our children more about order and sharing the family's work and taking care of our own personal items. If I get it out, I put it back. If I didn't get it out...I don't put it back. (So not only am I letting others own their problems, I am letting them own their jobs/work/responsibilities). This has come partially because of the James Jones CDs and partially because of the wonderful Montessori School our daughter is attending.

Daddy decided that the kitchen is closed at 7 pm and then everyone helps clean up. No more eating (ie making messes) after that. So for a week now, every night after dinner, Mommy does dishes, Daddy puts food away, sweeps and wipes counters, and our daughter cleans off the table and helps. This very simple family activity has changed my life! What a blessing it is to wake up to a clean kitchen and have time to spend on other things! What a blessing it is after the kids are in bed not to have to go back to clean a dirty kitchen! What a blessing it is to hang out and be goofy together, singing while we work side by side.

Daddy also decided that we read scriptures, have family prayer, and do the bedtime routine and then it is over at 8:30 and we leave the bedroom. Period. We've been doing that since school started. This has also been a huge blessing.

I told my husband on about the third night of cleaning up together, “All this time, we just needed you to bring order to our home. Thank you.” Hmm. Maybe Daddy should make some more decisions.

It's amazing sometimes what simple solutions there are to problems that have plagued me for years. Sometimes it just takes someone else to point them out to me. What is equally amazing, but scary, is how stealthy Satan can be at gradually binding us down with the chains of worry, guilt, resentment, hate, judgment, disdain, and even a “woe-is-me” attitude about life. He shackles us down so gradually that we believe the weight of his chains is part of who we are and we don't even see them clearly. When the Lord opens the eyes of our understanding, and we do see them, we are surprised at what we find. I was. All along, I held the key that would unlock them. I only needed to discover and understand how to turn it.

What I Believe

I'm a Mormon.

I love Leadership Education

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