Changed by His Love

I was walking back into my house after having received a borrowed item from a friend, who had dropped it by. I became aware that this was yet another blessing I had received through the service of others over the past few months, especially since little “Hack” was born. I am not sure if I remember another time in my life when I have been so abundantly blessed by the generosity and sacrifice of other people whom the Lord is using as His instruments to act in my life. Because of our new baby, I really am not able to give much back, other than offering a humble thanks.

As I reached for my door, I was overwhelmed by a sense of gratitude to the Lord for bringing me so many blessings. Just as this sense of love for the Lord filled me, there also came a gentle rebuke from the Spirit in my thoughts. How can I not do all the things the Lord has commanded me to, when He has done so much for me? I believe this epiphany, or change of heart, is the beginning of one I have been praying for – the change of my weaknesses into strengths. I feel a seed of motivation growing in my heart to finally do the things I've known I was supposed to do for years.

Whatever it is, suddenly I am asking myself, How can I not give away all my sins so that I might know Him? How can I not make the time to perform the specific missions I know He's given me? How can I not rise up in faith and conquer the bad habits that plague me? How can I not press forward with a perfect brightness of hope when the Lord loves me so much and truly needs me to change so that He can touch the lives of others? How could I have been so lazy? So neglectful of asserting my efforts to overcome some of the sinful ways that have held me back from accomplishing His will for years? How much could the Lord have accomplished through me already if I had simply trusted in Him and acted in faith, no matter the difficulty?

The Lord says that He gives unto men weakness, so that we will humble ourselves before Him, and that He will turn our weakness into strength when we do. (Ether 12:27) I've been praying for this to happen in me for years. I think I am finally realizing how He does this: through love. He loves us so much and blesses us so abundantly, and when our heart is ready to recognize Him for it, and come unto Him and trust Him, and act in faith, then He will give us the inner strength we need to make the changes we've never been able to make on our own. Sorrowing over my sins, yet feeling a seed of hope that I could actually conquer them, I knelt in prayer and asked for continued help in doing what I must to obtain this blessing of transformation. Since that prayer, the Lord has continued to teach me.

Somehow, Satan shielded me from feeling God's love for me when I was more isolated in my own family. Right now, I am the recipient of so much service, as well as inspiration from others who are living their mission. It's as though a gray veil of forgetfulness has been lifted from my life and I can feel the warmth of the Lord's light blessing me and wrapping me in His love, more poignantly because He is working through others and I see their sacrifice and hard work so clearly. I am inspired to love and serve others, to conquer my weaknesses and live my mission. I feel more of an anchored motivation, or perhaps increased capacity, to live up to the standards I value in daily life. I know this would all be impossible without the greatest Sacrifice of our Savior, Jesus Christ. As he atoned for our sins, he created the power we would need to change: the power of love, His love.

I do not think the Lord meant for us to live isolated lives, where we work independent of others within our own little family unit, trying to apply His principles in our hearts and homes. He meant for us to be involved in our communities and churches, with our brothers and sisters, helping out where we can and being helped by others when needed: receiving and sharing His love.

So thank you to everyone who has served and inspired me and my family. Your impact is more deeply felt than I'm sure you realize.

Do It Yourself...Or Not

Hello. My name is Tiffany Campbell. I have a disease. I am a perfectionist. I have been working toward recovery for several years now.

Wait – if you don't think you are a perfectionist, keep reading anyway. One of Satan's greatest weapons is isolation: disconnection from God, family, friends, and just people in general. He can use perfectionism to isolate you, or a myriad of other tactics, including passive-aggressive resentment, a lack of appropriate boundaries, ingratitude, unhealed childhood trauma, the general frustrations of daily living and just about any other type of emotional bondage he can get his filthy claws on.

One of the symptoms of my perfectionism has been an unwillingness to ask for help. Society's constant glorification of “being independent” has driven the nail further in the coffin on this one. Yep, I'm a do-it-yourselfer. Unfortunately, that seems to include keeping myself emotionally healthy – without anyone else's help. There's the disconnection. It can start in such small ways. Today, I peeled an especially frustrating hard-boiled egg that ended up mutilated in my hands. I was still calming myself from the disruption to my peaceful feeling when my daughter asked me (in the middle of dinner prep) to untie a knot that was also particularly stubborn. My perfectionist self, instead of risking showing any weakness, would have persevered until the knot was out, building up all kinds of anger along the way and allowing Satan's negative whisperings to influence me. Realizing that my peace was drifting further away, I courageously spoke up for my own needs and said, “I need some time to calm down and finish getting dinner ready before I work on this knot, sweetie. I'm feeling really frustrated.” Wow, what a difference that made in my evening!

Not only am I reluctant to seek help and understanding from others in meeting my own needs, I also have at times fallen into a resentment trap within my marriage. This is a boundary and communication issue as well as a perfectionist issue. It happens when instead of quickly finding an appropriate, respectful way to communicate my feelings if I feel I have been wronged or neglected in some way, I don't say anything because of a simple fear of confrontation (having to stand up for oneself and disagree (appropriately) with someone does not come too easily to a perfectionist either, since one of the main culprits that created my perfectionism was my need to please others and receive their praise, affirmation, and approval. If I don't have that, then something must be wrong with me. It's really tough for perfectionists to feel disliked or as though we have displeased someone...it's also really hard not to get what I want, but I didn't say that out loud). When I am falling into this trap, I do not ask for help within my marriage enough. Instead of seeking to connect, I withdraw and actually contribute even more to the disconnect and frustration I was feeling in the first place. Withdrawing from others is dangerous. It puts you right where the Adversary wants you. The less we are connected with others, the more influence the devil seems to have on our thoughts.

Recently my husband has taken the lead once again on our family's memorizing of an inspired document. First, we memorized The Living Christ, a testimony of the divinity and role of Jesus Christ, our Savior. Now, we are memorizing The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Each evening we have worked on this, new power and strength has come to our marriage and family. The first sentence is as follows. “We...solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator's plan for the eternal destiny of his children.” When my daughter asked what “ordained of God” meant, Daddy replied that it meant that God has given marriage special power. Wow. The crippling resentment that I've wasted my energy on has the potential to be replaced with real power when I choose to connect with my husband rather than withdraw. I knew as soon as he said it that it is true. Aside from God himself, I have felt no greater source of happiness and encouragement than in my husband when he is supporting me. No wonder Satan tries so hard to rob our relationship of connection.

Marriage is not the only relationship with power, however. There is a simple uplifting, encouraging strength that comes from connecting with people, whether it's a child, a friend, a spouse, or the local librarian. Shifting your focus from things to experiences, from self to others, is a healing balm like no other.

As I am beginning to understand the simple power of connecting with people, thanks in part to Nicholeen Peck's blog post, and also to Sister RosemaryWixom's talk in General Conference, I am finding new joy in life. As I let down my perfectionist standards and look at the tremendous progress our family has made over the past year, and even in the past month, I am beginning to feel like I'm actually succeeding. Not in a prideful, “all is well in Zion” way, but in a “truth will set you free” way.

The truth is, I don't have to get everything right. I don't have to do everything myself. I don't have to shy away from asking for help because that might mean that I'm weak or a failure. I can take time to connect with my family, to watch when my children ask me to watch – for the twentieth time, to sit down and read a book and let tasks wait that can wait. I can be flexible and allow my agenda to change for the day. I can just hang out with my family and friends. I can reach out instead of withdraw. When my eyes are resting on people, I can't see all the supposed material evidence laying around of all the ways I'm failing. When my focus is on people, I can't feel the nagging guilt that I ought to be achieving something right now instead of wasting my time chatting. (Ick! Do I really think that way sometimes?) Suddenly, surprise visits and interruptions are less of a nuisance and more of a pleasure. What a joyful way to live!

It is most significant that Satan's best efforts seem to be to disconnect me from God. Not only am I reluctant to ask for help from others, but I am forgetful of the partnership I am supposed to maintain with God on a daily – or hourly, if need be – basis through another matchless source of power: Prayer. As a perfectionist, I get into my agenda and can become obsessed with success, forgetting not only those I love, but the God I need. I will plug ahead on my own, with too much confidence in my own abilities, going through the motions of prayer, but not really giving it my thorough attention, then wondering why things aren't going so well. Prayer is like the pulse of my relationship with God. Connection with the Almighty always brings more peace, joy, and an increased capacity to apply the light and truth I've learned and become the person He means for me to be. So as I speak of the power of connection with others, God is most definitely not to be forgotten. In fact, the two are incredibly interrelated. After all, God often answers our prayers through other people. When we seek connection with Him, he responds by sending us other people, through whom we can feel His love.

We're not in this life to do it all by ourselves. We need Him. We need our family. We need our friends. We need people. I'm ready to finally stop resisting my need for connection and start tapping into deep reservoirs of energy, peace, and happiness by reaching out to God and others and responding when they reach out for me. We are instruments in His hands. I know that when we are trying our best to do something good, the Adversary will do his best to stop us, whispering to us that it's not worth it to pray and feeding us negative, isolating thoughts that keep us from connecting with people and reaching out for help. I'm so grateful for the way the Lord is leading me to discover things as they really are and as they really can be.

Missing Keys

This morning I was about to blow it... again. Continuing in my quest to implement Nicholeen Peck's state-of-the-art Self-Government system in my home, I recently realized that a few key elements were missing from my parenting. There's the obvious: my own self-government skills – the ones that I'm working on developing so that I can actually stay calm during all these 'teaching moments' with my children. (But I am making progress!) Then there's the not-so-obvious: 1) practicing the right way to do things when something has gone wrong and 2) teaching my children to think of their daily life as filled with privileges that they are earning.

Now that I am in my second trimester of pregnancy, the morning sickness is gone, but instead I wake up with the morning grumps. So after a tough emotional journey toward getting myself started for the day, the kids and I began our typical home school routine.

One of them had moved the sit-n-spin into our kitchen, right to the very spot where we stand to say the Pledge of Allegiance and our Family Mission statement. So, naturally, they fought about who would stand on it during the Pledge. That was just the beginning of a series of serious rude behaviors. By the time we reached the time for our hymn and scripture reading, each of the children had earned a handful of chores. The voice of discouragement rang loud and clear through my mind about how our school today was going to be a series of battles and take longer than it should. I was already feeling like a failure for not teaching enough the day before. Satan always tries to make me feel like a failure when the children are acting up because surely this is a reflection of my poor mothering skills. There was no sense of calm in my heart. After sending the little one to Time Out so that he could “get ready to follow instructions” I just stood there for a moment, clenching the dry erase marker in my hand very hard and closing my eyes, fighting for a sense of calmness and some form of guidance about how to proceed.

My daughter watched me fighting for control as I followed the one idea that came to me. I brought out the Children's Songbook and shakily announced that instead of singing our normal one song, we would sing several. I could see in her face that her heart became filled with compassion for me and as we sang, she quickly wrote a note and placed it in her own makeshift envelope and handed it to me. Hearing the singing, James rejoined us, although still showing signs of grumpiness. I read her note which said, “Dear Mommy, I love you So Much. Love, Jesstyn.” I was so touched by her kindness that I lost my voice for a line or two in the song. She beamed and came to snuggle for the rest of “I'm Trying to Be Like Jesus.”

The singing and her kindness brought the Spirit back into our home and I was able to be calm and think through what was needful. Too often in my parenting, I am too concerned with keeping our schedule or continuing with my agenda/project/task for the moment. I skip over the seemingly time-consuming parts of the Self-Government system, one of which is practicing the right way to do things. I do usually remember to tell the child what the right way to handle it was, but very seldom do we actually take the time to role play and practice it. Today, once I could feel the Spirit again, I could see that my little one still had not had a change of heart. I could not continue with our lessons for the day until he was a happier boy. So for the next fifteen or twenty minutes (maybe it was only ten minutes, after all, I'm not sure), we role played and practiced the right way to communicate about the sit-n-spin.

This small investment of time made a huge difference in how both children responded to my teaching and reminders about good behavior for the remainder of our morning. The acting out of choosing the right put them in the mindset of wanting to choose the right for the rest of the morning. It was amazing.

In hindsight, he was probably acting up because he was feeling disconnected from me. He was already wanting me to read books to him instead of what we were doing. Had I continued with our routine, his behavior would have worsened. This simple missing key – taking the time to practice the right way with him – actually created the connection he needed at the time and filled a need so that he could feel more secure and be happier and more obedient. Nicholeen once said that the most healing thing she knew of when you are struggling is connecting with people. I am finding this to be so true and helpful for me. It works for children too! Connection! Perhaps that is the true missing key.

Stay tuned for my next post, where I will outline the change that has come over my children as they have begun to understand that free play time, media, snacks and desserts are actually privileges that they earn with good behavior and honest work.

Sifted

About a week and a half ago, I went to a very spiritual church meeting Saturday evening, followed by a Sunday morning service that was also exceptional. Before then, I was struggling for direction from the Lord in several areas of my life and when I left the meeting, I felt He had given me quite a few explicit instructions during the meetings. I went home hopeful and excited, as well as determined to follow His counsel.

However, emotional anxiety and physical discomfort proceeded to beat me to a spiritual pulp over the next several days. Had I been continually watchful, being sure to add small drops of oil to my lamp each day through prayer and scripture study, as well as keeping my standards not just high, but holy, I would have had plenty of strength to endure this time. But for a few weeks, my efforts had already been slipping. I chose more fun music than music that invited the Spirit. I read more fun or interesting things than I did uplifting things. I left the scriptures until very last, when my energy was spent and my mind could barely focus. I let important family goals slide. So I was already spiritually dehydrated. Yet when I came home from the meetings with a list of specific suggestions from the Lord that I knew would help me so much, I felt I had drunk deeply of living waters and would be just fine.

How quickly Satan can do his miserable work.

I can scarcely believe it was little more than a few days since those meetings until I was completely, wholeheartedly distracted from every single prompting the Lord had given me. Instead of virtue, selfishness and fear garnished my thoughts. I lost all focus on staying calm and parenting the right way. Old issues that I thought were long gone from me reared their ugly heads again because I was not careful to communicate with my husband and children using my new skills.

I can almost picture the servants of Lucifer, lying in wait for us to be at our most vulnerable moments so they can jump in with their twisted lies and torment us with discouragement, fear and doubt.

Once I entertained their wicked suggestions just a little, it became harder and harder to resist them, and soon I was almost consumed spiritually with worry and even anger at times. During this dark time, one bright moment came. I was driving and out of desperation, started to sing “I Know that My Redeemer Lives.” Suddenly I was overwhelmed with a piercing feeling of peace and warmth, letting me know that everything was going to be okay. I was so grateful. I just wish I would have clung to it more closely and trusted it for the remainder of the week. Even with that moment of comfort, I failed to fight off the downward spiral in which I was caught. By Saturday morning, I was a weeping mess.

Now many of you reading are thinking, good grief, what happened? This is most definitely not normal for me. (Well, okay, I have my ups and downs, as you know, but not quite like this). I am pregnant. I have miscarried twice and have two children. I was simply scared out of my mind that the moment would come when I would have to suffer loss again. And, of course, extremely hormonal.

It's kind of sobering to see how far I can regress in my behaviors when I am experiencing emotional or physical pain. It makes me wonder how far I really am in my progress of becoming who the Lord would have me to be. As always, his grace is there to save me, after all I can do. That night, all I could do was sing a hymn. He made up the difference and reached down very far from heaven to find me.

Another Sunday came and I found my heart softening. I found faith rising again and I was strengthened by my church family. I was humbled as I recognized how far I'd slipped. I emerged from Sunday bolstered with a more positive attitude and a renewed determination to do my best.

Satan followed me to the doctor's office Monday. I was trying to distract myself from the fear and discouragement he was inspiring. I felt surrounded by his dark filth. Finally, the bright moment came. The little peanut on the screen with the heart beating strong was bigger than expected. I was even further along than I thought. Relief and gratitude swept over me. A sense that angels are watching from the other side of the Veil came to me as I realized that my due date could very well be Grandpa Mike's birthday. Satan had no more power over me. I was elated with the news and drove home with visions of telling my family the good news and seeing the light in their faces as we rejoiced together. I was hopeful that the moment of unity would bring healing to us all.

The scripture is true that says, “ye must watch and pray always, lest ye enter into temptation; for Satan desireth to have you, that he may sift you as wheat” (3 Ne. 18:18). See also Luke 22:31.

Yet I must not allow fear to overcome me. I know the Adversary is there, but the Lord has promised, “I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up” (D&C 84:88). I thank Him for His blessings and grace, and know that I could never have true, deep, lasting joy and peace without Him. “God be thanked for the matchless gift of His divine Son” (The Living Christ).

The Power of Calm

Today I chose to be calm in a very frustrating situation.

I spent an hour making a poster. I was careful to watch my son to make sure he didn't write on it – that is, until I was distracted by a very important character issue with my daughter in the next room. He drew on it while I was in the middle of discussing what happened with her.

I was SO angry. I yelled, “I knew it! I knew he would do that!” (if given the chance).

Then I stopped yelling. With all of the listening I've been doing to Nicholeen Peck, I am finally beginning to check myself for calmness. Late on the draw, obviously, in this case, but nonetheless, I did it.

I clenched the tape dispenser with all my strength. I breathed deeply, saying nothing else. Several times. Clench the tape dispenser (it was one of those really big ones with the foam-covered handles). Breathe. Close eyes. Breathe. Clench teeth. Breathe. What am I going to do? What has truly happened here? Is it really all that important? More important than my children? No.

I opened my eyes. Still with some upset rattling around in my chest, but with a calm (for me) and even tone, I described what my son had done and that he was earning a long Time Out and extra chores. (For the record, I'm quite certain I had given him an instruction not to write on it when he was sitting beside me watching me earlier). Then I gently carried my two-year-old to Time Out.

Still not the Queen of Calm, I warned my daughter that now was not the time to discuss any further what she had done and she needed to accept her consequences immediately and do them. (It was an extra chore and a S.O.D.A). I needed some time to calm down (or else I might take this out on her). I left her to vacuum the living room and went downstairs to cool down where the yells of my son could not be heard so clearly.

I paced around with my anger and frustration. My hands scrubbed my face and ran through my hair. I prayed for help. I paced some more. I put my head up against the glass of our french doors. I noted that I still was not hearing the vacuum. Then I prayed more sincerely and humbly for the Lord to take this anger away from me so I could deal with this appropriately without hurting my children or our relationship. I knew I could not do this without Him.

(I have to add here that this happens frequently – not anger this intense, no, but anger nonetheless, or perhaps anxiety is the better word – and too frequently I pray for help in some feeble manner, “Heavenly Father, please just help me” and then without really having faith in myself that I can overcome my upset feelings and actually be calm and loving in the subsequent interaction with my family, regardless of whether or not I prayed, I proceed to speak with a tone that still sounds upset. It's like it's out of habit, and I do it because my past has programmed me to do it, even while feeling a sense of peace in my heart that tells me all will be well and deep in my soul, I am not really all that upset about this.)

I was afraid I was going to do this again. Act out even when I felt capable of true self-control in my heart.

But this time was different. I was continuing to exude upset behavior as I scrubbed my face again and began to clench my muscles and teeth again, wondering how in the world I was going to go back upstairs without doling out some seriously hurtful Disapproval of Children, but then I caught myself. Something was different. I recognized a distinction between my body language and outward actions and the inner peace that was washing over my heart. Instead of giving in to my old habits, I chose to embrace the peace in my heart. I literally thought, “Wait just a minute, these actions are not me anymore. I don't have to fail at this. I can be 'centered.'”

I'm not sure, but I think the only reason it clicked so powerfully this time and got through to me was because someone told me that I had the power to choose to be calm. I always knew that, but I never really knew that. Too often, I am a victim of my emotions, in bondage to them. This time, I embraced the peace Heavenly Father was sending me instead of rejecting it in favor of old familiar 'victim mentality' ways.

I went back upstairs and handled what could have been a very explosive interaction with complete calmness and even a few smiles. At first, my daughter was glum. I actually said to her, “This is me trying to be a better mom,” and I smiled, “okay?” She lightened up after that. I walked her through disagreeing appropriately about the chore I gave her, negotiated fairly with her without letting her infringe on my boundaries (walk all over me) and when my son's ten-minute Time Out was over, I calmly approached him and apologized for yelling at him. I told him how hard I'd worked on the poster and that now I would have to do all of that hard work over again. I told him he had some extra chores to do. He said, “Wotsa extra chores?” I said, “Yes, lots.” Then I calmly required him to do lots of extra chores before I let him off the hook.

As I led my children through their chores, I naturally began to work with them. The work was soothing as I watched my house return to a sense of order. A strange thing happened as I worked with my children. I held absolutely no resentment in my heart toward them for the work I was going to have to redo. Clarity and peace washed over me and increased. I felt empowered, as though I could handle anything (provided I actually remember to sincerely pray for help). I was free of resentment and contention, grumpiness and failure. I was no longer a victim. Wow!

Reservoirs of strength were refilled, or perhaps filled for the first time in my life, I'm not sure which.

Frequently, when things like this happen, my children get over it far sooner than me. This time, I was free. I didn't dwell. I didn't sulk. I didn't mope. I just went on with fixing dinner and being playful with my children. We had a rather lovely evening together.

I did not realize how much power there truly is in simply choosing to be calm. Come to think of it, this morning I read my scriptures (Scripture Power Keeps Me Safe From Sin! Maybe that's why I was better able to stay calm!). I read in James 1. "Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God...Whoso looketh into the perfect law of liberty, and continueth therein, he being not a forgetful hearer, but a doer of the work, this man shall be blessed in his deed." And in verse 26, we must "bridle our tongues." 

Getting Through to Our Children

I often feel frustrated when I watch my children mistreating each other and others (and me) because I feel as though I have not taught them well enough about how to actually follow that golden rule we've talked about so many times. I mean, really, how many weekly Family Night Lessons and daily devotionals have been devoted to this topic of treating others with respect and kindness? Do unto others as you would have them do unto you!!! Please? (I mean, can't you just ignore all those times I didn't follow it myself instead of absorbing them like a sponge?)

I've wondered all too often what I could say or do differently and whether or not I would ever be able to really get through to them. Why don't they seem to understand the practical application of the principles I've been trying to teach them? (Other than that I don't consistently live them...did I say that out loud?)

Well, this week, a few events coincided that brought about an amazing teaching moment with my daughter, who is seven. Because she will be turning eight this year, she will be reaching what Latter-Day Saints know as the age of accountability. This means she will be old enough to be responsible for her actions and capable of committing sin and repenting. At age eight, she will be eligible to be baptized and receive the Gift of the Holy Ghost. This coming Sunday, there will be a “fireside” service at our church aimed at explaining to the children what baptism is all about and how, through this ordinance, they will be making a covenant with God. They will promise to remember Christ and follow His commandments, and Heavenly Father promises to bless them with His Spirit, forgiveness when they repent, and eternal life.

So, in preparation for this fireside, all of our devotionals have centered around baptism and this covenant she will be making to follow His commandments, especially the Golden Rule, to the best of her ability. Also this week, I listened to a new seminar I purchased over the holidays from Nicholeen Peck, called The Power of Calm. The message is all about how we, as parents, must set an example of calm rather than reacting with anger and feeding into the power struggles our children's behavior often sucks us into. Is it really worth ruining the feeling of love in your home or ruining the loving relationship that you have with your children or spouse just because you feel an impulse to get angry/annoyed over whatever choice that person just made? Um, no. The relationships are more important than any particular situation.

So, this morning, we were reading Alma 7:23, which says, “And now I would that ye should be humble, and be submissive and gentle; easy to be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive.”

While we were trying to make it through this long verse, my daughter was engaging in a particular bad habit which I had given her an instruction not to do during our reading. I gently placed my hand on her hand to remind her of the instruction as I often do, and she flung my hand away with a little grunt. I stopped reading the verse and took this perfect opportunity to teach her what it meant to be patient and long-suffering, and gentle (as in, she was suffering emotionally because she was annoyed that I put my hand on hers). There was a better way to handle this. Instead of flinging my hand away, she could have patiently requested that I move my hand. She responded by gently removing my hand from hers without speaking. I said that was good, too.

Then I said, “Do you see how every situation has two ways that you can deal with it? You can be calm and kind and preserve the love you have between you and that person, or you can be impatient and angry and ruin the feeling of love between you.” It was like I could see the lights going on in her eyes as she internalized this.

Just to be sure she understood, I asked her to tell it back to me. She said, “If you be nice, then it doesn't destroy your love, but if you are mean or yucki, then it destroys the love that you have with them.”

Yes. Wow. How true that is and how ignorant I've been of that fact. It's the why behind the Golden Rule. How selfish I've been at times, putting my own emotional neediness (and perhaps it could be laziness in self-control) over and above these precious relationships with my husband and children.

It will take time for this new habit to take root both in my daughter and in myself. It will be a retraining of our brains. When anger begins to form in our hearts, we must train ourselves to ask whether or not satisfying the angry (or annoyed) impulse is worth ruining the feeling of love in our relationships and home. It might mean that Mommy takes a time-out herself before she discusses what just happened. It might mean we stand there together and breathe deeply for a few minutes. Whatever it takes, it will be worth it to preserve our love, build a calm atmosphere and finally learn how to actually follow that Golden Rule.