Today, I share a personal story that is an example of the Lord's love and wisdom. He has awesome capacity to perform miracles in our lives, even when an unexpected outcome is not what the world would think might be best.
In October, Heath and I found out we were expecting. This was entirely unexpected. What was even more unexpected were the feelings of exhilaration and excitement I had upon finding out. My son was only 21 months old at the time. I had some concerns, and I was still sort of in denial when I went to the doctor at six weeks, but when I saw the tiny heartbeat, I smiled and began to really embrace the idea. Still, I tried to keep myself at least a little detached, waiting for week twelve to get here before I made any announcements or pulled out any maternity clothes. Yet I could not help but begin to feel excited, especially about telling Jesstyn. Sadly, on Saturday, November 12th, I began to bleed. The doctor said to wait until Monday to come in unless the bleeding was really heavy.
I knelt in prayer and poured out my heart, pleading with the Lord to save the pregnancy if that is what would be best for us at this time. Nevertheless, I acknowledged that He can see our lives more clearly than I can and I expressed my willingness to accept any outcome, knowing that He would not give me any trial I could not bear. I closed my prayer and rested for a while.
Though the outcome was still unknown, I think I spent part of Sunday submitting to the belief that I was miscarrying. Though the bleeding had subsided, it did not stop. I came to understand that this would likely be a loss and began preparing myself to have that confirmed on Monday. Although many feelings of sorrow came to me, something else came with them: powerful love and gratitude for my husband and two children. Pure joy and a cherished vision of each of them came to my eyes anew. I knew that the Lord wanted me to carry away these new visions from this experience. So I was really already at peace about it before I heard the news. We scheduled the D&C for Wednesday, Nov 16th. The feelings of joy have continued after the surgery as I cherish the time I have with my children and look forward to playing with them more than I did before. In particular, a much stronger bond has formed between myself and my son, James.
When Jesstyn was born, she was the granting of a very long and drawn out desire to have a child of our very own. We miscarried once before she was conceived. I am seeing now that our two miscarriages are mirror images of one another emotionally. I have often thanked the Lord for the strong bond I formed with my daughter during her first year of life. It was filled with some of the most intensely joyful feelings I have ever felt. Because of the first miscarriage, I deeply desired to enjoy every single moment of mothering my first baby. And I took the time to do it.
When James was born, however, there were many more difficulties associated with his birth and first year that left me feeling emotionally detached from him. I longed for the same feelings of exhilaration that came with baby Jesstyn, but they were only there in fleeting moments. It seemed that I could not relate to this little boy as well, or that I was not capable of devoting as much of myself to him. Now, with the passing of another miscarriage, the Lord has taken my heart and stitched it together with my son's and we are knit together as closely as we ever could have been. My eyes are open wider to see the joy in his eyes as he discovers new things and masters new skills each day.
My husband and I have grown closer through all of this as well. I know that it is not easy to pass through the loss of a child, unborn or not. I know that everyone's experience is different. I do not wish to belittle anyone's sorrow, for I know that there are many experiences much, much worse than mine. I just can't help but share how this experience, for me, has strengthened my faith in the Lord. He does know our needs. He knows what will help us grow. Someone said in church one Sunday that the Lord loves us enough to allow us to hurt so that we can grow and become better from it. I know He knows what is best.
I must say that through all of this, my perspective and pain would have been much worse if I did not have the light of the gospel of Jesus Christ in my heart. My surgery happened on the 14th anniversary of my baptism into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I cannot think that this is mere coincidence. Because of this Church, I know that this life is a test of our faith. I know that the Lord loves me and would not allow me to pass through anything I could not handle, as long as I rely on Him for help. I know that He intends for me to learn from my experiences. I also know that families can be together forever and that our relationships in families will endure beyond this lifetime. I know that there will be opportunity for me to have more children in the future, whether immediate or in eternity. Knowing all this as well as having the Gift of the Holy Ghost to guide me, and being a woman who has made covenants with the Lord, all work together to help me through trials such as these. So I will not allow my loss to place any seeds of doubt about whether or not there is a God or whether or not He cares for me. On the contrary, the blessings that have come to us because of this loss are proof to me that God does exist and that He is very active in our lives in trying to orchestrate experiences that will make not only us, but our families, better and happier.
Lately, it seems as though we, as well as our extended family, have been bombarded with trials all at once. As I've pondered this, I remembered the snowstorm I wrote about two years ago. A weekend that was to be filled with the hectic frenzy of the holidays turned out to be a quiet, cherished weekend enjoying my husband and daughter. Now it seems as though our family has entered a snowstorm of trials and I can't help but wonder whether the Lord is trying to help us to be quiet and still, and know that He is God and there is still much joy to be found in this life.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
White Doves and Gratitude
Today was wonderful! This is not the first time this has happened to me, where a period that feels like a mist of darkness is followed by a day that is simply perfect. I mean, so perfect that I grew more and more pleasantly astonished as the afternoon turned to evening and the day continued to be filled with joy and goodness.
Okay, okay, so the morning did not start off the greatest, I guess, now that I think about it. The time change helped my 21-month-old wake up at 5 am asking for “ro-ro's” (cheerios). And I went to bed late the night before. I laid in bed until he brought me a marker with no lid. Then I figured I'd better get up and see what he was up to in the next room. It helped my attitude that he had not marked on anything but himself and I was hungry, too. So we shared a bowl. These early morning wakings also afford us more time to just play and look at books. It was time for me to enjoy my son. When it was time, we woke up sister with a cheerio book and the morning was off. Somehow, I stayed on task and everyone was happy and she got on the bus on time with all of her breakfast actually in her tummy.
Then I was able to go back to sleep for an hour before my husband left for work. This made up for the 5 am awakening. We said another prayer together before my husband left for work, a humble plea for help at the beginning of a new week.
So...then we played trains. Then I was able to accomplish a few things while James played by himself. Oh, okay and I guess nap time went a little awry, too...didn't feed him enough lunch, apparently. But somehow it didn't mess up my day. He still went down for his nap and I still had plenty of time before Jesstyn got home. Then I was inspired to write. And I finished a chapter! The chapter I'd been trying to finish for a year and a half! Hello!? That was awesome. And the timing was just perfect. I finished right before Jesstyn got off the bus and James woke up.
And when I went outside to get her, it was a beautifully perfect day! Picturesque. Except a picture can't convey the perfect temperature and the feel of the sunlight or the crunch of the leaves. Or the shrieks of laughter from my children or the thrill in their eyes as they played. My dad came by for a surprise visit. We raked up the biggest pile of leaves of the season. Jesstyn made leaf angels. We went over to our neighbor's house and picked some turnips that were beautiful.
The highlight of the afternoon, though, was watching two white doves fly above our heads. It was the first time I'd ever seen white doves. These magnificent creatures stood out brightly against all that was around them. No matter where they flew, we could still clearly see them. I was so impressed with their loveliness and thought it is no wonder that Heavenly Father chose this bird as a symbol of his Holy Spirit. Those who are filled with the Holy Ghost are a light to the world and all who are around them. The Spirit brings an amazing light to our understanding.
My father and I gazed at them in wonder. I commented on their whiteness and he told me of a vase he created in honor of my mother. It has three candles at the top, the middle one higher. It stands for Christ and the two side candles are for the thieves who were crucified beside him. The base is snow white. He said, with tears in his eyes and his face turning red, “That is what your mother is to me.” He paused and added, “I know none of us are perfect and white, but to me, that's what she is.” I nodded as I gazed into his eyes and felt thankful for him and his genuine love for my mother.
We said good-bye to “PePop” and went inside to do homework. We had an early dinner and used our “Thanking Cap” inspired by last night's Family Night lesson, where we had to say five things we were thankful for when wearing the cap. The sun set. We caught the beautiful scene out the front window of the glow of descending twilight on the yellow-leaved trees. We had time for baths. We had time for a card game together with Daddy when he got home. We read scriptures. My daughter said our prayer and she said “We thank thee...” for more than just “this day.” I enjoyed putting my son to bed. I enjoyed a conversation on the phone and the feeling of helping someone. Now I am writing about it all. It is the way a day should end.
What is different about this day? Certainly, the Lord intervened. Yet does he not intervene each and every day of my life to give me blessings, even many times blessings I do not deserve? What was different about today?
The difference was that I felt grateful for it. Because I was not busy being negative or complaining or worrying or stressing or feeling behind or feeling obligated or feeling resentful or feeling disconnected...I was free to feel joy.
I felt so much joy that I could not help but feel grateful for it. Grateful to the Lord, whose hand is in my life each day. How much clearer I see my life when I acknowledge His hand in it! D&C 59:21 says, “And in nothing doth man offend God, or against none is his wrath kindled, save those who confess not his hand in all things.”
Instead of lamenting the loss of sleep, I enjoyed the time with my son, hoping that I would sleep later. When the morning went well, I was pleased. When I napped, I was grateful. When I kept a slow pace so I could just play with my son, I enjoyed watching him learn how to properly play with the train set. When I worked on some things for the end of the year, I was not unhappy about it taking up my time, but was grateful to have the time to do it before life got too busy and overwhelming with the holidays. When my son wouldn't go to sleep, I was still able to let those events flow with my housework and still get things done – and I was happy for it to work out that way. When I sat down to write, I prayed for inspiration and then received it. I was so grateful.
I continued throughout the day to notice its beauty and how well the timing of everything was working out. Each time I took note of a blessing, my thoughts were underscored by the knowledge that it wasn't my doing; it was the Lord's. That is what made the difference. My husband told me about the beautiful doves just yesterday. He sees them often, apparently, but I told him I'd never noticed them. And do you know what he said? “Look up sometimes.” Today, I did.
Okay, okay, so the morning did not start off the greatest, I guess, now that I think about it. The time change helped my 21-month-old wake up at 5 am asking for “ro-ro's” (cheerios). And I went to bed late the night before. I laid in bed until he brought me a marker with no lid. Then I figured I'd better get up and see what he was up to in the next room. It helped my attitude that he had not marked on anything but himself and I was hungry, too. So we shared a bowl. These early morning wakings also afford us more time to just play and look at books. It was time for me to enjoy my son. When it was time, we woke up sister with a cheerio book and the morning was off. Somehow, I stayed on task and everyone was happy and she got on the bus on time with all of her breakfast actually in her tummy.
Then I was able to go back to sleep for an hour before my husband left for work. This made up for the 5 am awakening. We said another prayer together before my husband left for work, a humble plea for help at the beginning of a new week.
So...then we played trains. Then I was able to accomplish a few things while James played by himself. Oh, okay and I guess nap time went a little awry, too...didn't feed him enough lunch, apparently. But somehow it didn't mess up my day. He still went down for his nap and I still had plenty of time before Jesstyn got home. Then I was inspired to write. And I finished a chapter! The chapter I'd been trying to finish for a year and a half! Hello!? That was awesome. And the timing was just perfect. I finished right before Jesstyn got off the bus and James woke up.
And when I went outside to get her, it was a beautifully perfect day! Picturesque. Except a picture can't convey the perfect temperature and the feel of the sunlight or the crunch of the leaves. Or the shrieks of laughter from my children or the thrill in their eyes as they played. My dad came by for a surprise visit. We raked up the biggest pile of leaves of the season. Jesstyn made leaf angels. We went over to our neighbor's house and picked some turnips that were beautiful.
The highlight of the afternoon, though, was watching two white doves fly above our heads. It was the first time I'd ever seen white doves. These magnificent creatures stood out brightly against all that was around them. No matter where they flew, we could still clearly see them. I was so impressed with their loveliness and thought it is no wonder that Heavenly Father chose this bird as a symbol of his Holy Spirit. Those who are filled with the Holy Ghost are a light to the world and all who are around them. The Spirit brings an amazing light to our understanding.
My father and I gazed at them in wonder. I commented on their whiteness and he told me of a vase he created in honor of my mother. It has three candles at the top, the middle one higher. It stands for Christ and the two side candles are for the thieves who were crucified beside him. The base is snow white. He said, with tears in his eyes and his face turning red, “That is what your mother is to me.” He paused and added, “I know none of us are perfect and white, but to me, that's what she is.” I nodded as I gazed into his eyes and felt thankful for him and his genuine love for my mother.
We said good-bye to “PePop” and went inside to do homework. We had an early dinner and used our “Thanking Cap” inspired by last night's Family Night lesson, where we had to say five things we were thankful for when wearing the cap. The sun set. We caught the beautiful scene out the front window of the glow of descending twilight on the yellow-leaved trees. We had time for baths. We had time for a card game together with Daddy when he got home. We read scriptures. My daughter said our prayer and she said “We thank thee...” for more than just “this day.” I enjoyed putting my son to bed. I enjoyed a conversation on the phone and the feeling of helping someone. Now I am writing about it all. It is the way a day should end.
What is different about this day? Certainly, the Lord intervened. Yet does he not intervene each and every day of my life to give me blessings, even many times blessings I do not deserve? What was different about today?
The difference was that I felt grateful for it. Because I was not busy being negative or complaining or worrying or stressing or feeling behind or feeling obligated or feeling resentful or feeling disconnected...I was free to feel joy.
I felt so much joy that I could not help but feel grateful for it. Grateful to the Lord, whose hand is in my life each day. How much clearer I see my life when I acknowledge His hand in it! D&C 59:21 says, “And in nothing doth man offend God, or against none is his wrath kindled, save those who confess not his hand in all things.”
Instead of lamenting the loss of sleep, I enjoyed the time with my son, hoping that I would sleep later. When the morning went well, I was pleased. When I napped, I was grateful. When I kept a slow pace so I could just play with my son, I enjoyed watching him learn how to properly play with the train set. When I worked on some things for the end of the year, I was not unhappy about it taking up my time, but was grateful to have the time to do it before life got too busy and overwhelming with the holidays. When my son wouldn't go to sleep, I was still able to let those events flow with my housework and still get things done – and I was happy for it to work out that way. When I sat down to write, I prayed for inspiration and then received it. I was so grateful.
I continued throughout the day to notice its beauty and how well the timing of everything was working out. Each time I took note of a blessing, my thoughts were underscored by the knowledge that it wasn't my doing; it was the Lord's. That is what made the difference. My husband told me about the beautiful doves just yesterday. He sees them often, apparently, but I told him I'd never noticed them. And do you know what he said? “Look up sometimes.” Today, I did.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Time Out for Women
This past weekend I attended my third Time Out for Women Conference, this one in Richmond, Virginia. These conferences are always so uplifting. I always come home with renewed determination to live the gospel of Jesus Christ and feel the joy it brings.
The flavor of this Conference was a little different this time. In the past, I've gone and spent the time mostly being made to feel better about how I was doing. I've thrived on hearing others who relate to me and what I go through as a Christian, a wife, a mother. This time, a few other messages came across, albeit in a very strengthening, empowering way. I came away feeling challenged to do more, to become more.
One message was that, yes, we all have trials, and they keep piling on sometimes. We get to where we think we're in too deep and we cannot handle it any longer. Yet with an eternal perspective, we can see that right in the midst of trials and hardship is where we want to be. That's because the trials put us in a place where we seek to be the closest to the Lord that we have ever been. They make us aware of His tender mercies in our lives. Were the trials not there, we could not see His awesome power in alleviating them or in causing us to feel peace and grow in their midst. We must open our hearts to the great Atoning Sacrifice of the Lord, and allow his power to transform us.
Another message was that Jesus Christ can heal all wounds and bring peace to any soul no matter what has happened to them in the past. An African woman bore solemn witness of how the Savior has healed her and continues to help her feel peace daily as she seeks Him and commits her life to serving Him. She experienced horrific crimes against her in Africa when she was thirteen and she and a group of friends were attacked, and some were terribly mutilated and killed. Somehow she was rescued from death at their hands. She quoted scripture after scripture from memory about how He helps us. She spoke of one of the women who stood with her in the final moments of rescue from their attackers. She kept in touch with this woman over the years. She said when she speaks with her now, her friend says to her that she speaks as if nothing ever happened. That is because the Lord has healed her. She even spoke of forgiving her attackers, and how the Lord forgave those who mocked him, “for they know not what they do.” She talked of being so grateful for the small hygiene kit she'd received from the Church as a refugee and how she was able to share it with twenty-five women who were deeply grateful. Hearing her message was very eye-opening about other parts of the world and how much more difficult the trials of others can be.
After this, I surprisingly met a South African woman who was also attending the Conference. She has been living in the US for 3 years, after 17 years of waiting to get a green card to move here with her family. Her home in South Africa, as everyone's home, was protected from gangs with black bars on every window, alarms on the roof, six foot high walls surrounding it with barbed wire at the top. That is how they live! Schools have to have extreme security there. We have no idea how great we have it in America! Again, my eyes were opened to my extremely blessed situation.
The overriding message was reliance on the Savior. We must truly search the scriptures and pray over them until we are filled with the love of God and His Holy Spirit. That is the only way we can face our trials. We were never meant to face them alone! Life wasn't meant to be easy, but it can be peaceful and joyful. You can find holiness in the midst of chaos. You do it by searching the scriptures, prayerfully asking the Lord specifically for what you need, (not just asking that he bless everyone else), and going all out, leaping with faith toward the goal of becoming the person you were meant to become, and seeking small ways to serve others daily. The Lord has a plan for your life. He knows your struggles. He's allowed them so that they will drive you to seek Him. With every trial, we have another opportunity to choose faith. We have to turn our hearts over to Him completely so that He can transform us into new beings. We often pray to be relieved of stress and trials without realizing that it is our trials that challenge us and change us and ultimately save our eternal lives!
One speaker recounted how his born-again Christian friends would ask him, “Have you been saved by grace?” He would emphatically answer, “Yes! Have you been changed by grace?” We know that the Lord saves us, but what does he save us for? We will not only return to live with our Heavenly Father, but we will feel comfortable living there because we will be like Him. When the Savior performed his first miracle of changing the water into wine, He was announcing in a powerful way that He has the power to change things – even things that seem impossible to change. If you cry out, “This is just who I am, I can't be any better,” then you are denying His power to work in your life.
Practical advice included: Identify the least holy moments in your daily life and try to do something to make them a little more holy and remember the Savior. (Such as piling all the kids in the car – say I love you to each one individually as you buckle them in, or put on some music while doing the dinner clean-up). Also, find friends who go through what you go through and interact with them. Spend half an hour Sunday planning and reflecting on your family's interaction. Frequently get away from it all for 24 hours to just reflect about life and evaluate where you are and where you want to be and what you need.
A few of my favorite quotes were:
“If you can't stand it anymore, kneel!”
“A person who is too busy to pray is busier than the Lord would have him or her to be.”
“LDS stands for Let's Do Something.”
“We become what we want to be by consistently being what we want to become.”
“Tribulation can make you bitter or better.”
“Our relationship with Christ should be like the air we breathe.”
“Don't be the one thing that stands in your way.”
“If it was right when you prayed about it, it's right now.”
“We gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” (Eleanor Roosevelt)
As usual, Time Out for Women was a great experience. I am just as determined as before to do all the Lord has commanded me to do, to become the woman he meant for me to be – but now I remember that I must rely on His power to help me each and every day.
The flavor of this Conference was a little different this time. In the past, I've gone and spent the time mostly being made to feel better about how I was doing. I've thrived on hearing others who relate to me and what I go through as a Christian, a wife, a mother. This time, a few other messages came across, albeit in a very strengthening, empowering way. I came away feeling challenged to do more, to become more.
One message was that, yes, we all have trials, and they keep piling on sometimes. We get to where we think we're in too deep and we cannot handle it any longer. Yet with an eternal perspective, we can see that right in the midst of trials and hardship is where we want to be. That's because the trials put us in a place where we seek to be the closest to the Lord that we have ever been. They make us aware of His tender mercies in our lives. Were the trials not there, we could not see His awesome power in alleviating them or in causing us to feel peace and grow in their midst. We must open our hearts to the great Atoning Sacrifice of the Lord, and allow his power to transform us.
Another message was that Jesus Christ can heal all wounds and bring peace to any soul no matter what has happened to them in the past. An African woman bore solemn witness of how the Savior has healed her and continues to help her feel peace daily as she seeks Him and commits her life to serving Him. She experienced horrific crimes against her in Africa when she was thirteen and she and a group of friends were attacked, and some were terribly mutilated and killed. Somehow she was rescued from death at their hands. She quoted scripture after scripture from memory about how He helps us. She spoke of one of the women who stood with her in the final moments of rescue from their attackers. She kept in touch with this woman over the years. She said when she speaks with her now, her friend says to her that she speaks as if nothing ever happened. That is because the Lord has healed her. She even spoke of forgiving her attackers, and how the Lord forgave those who mocked him, “for they know not what they do.” She talked of being so grateful for the small hygiene kit she'd received from the Church as a refugee and how she was able to share it with twenty-five women who were deeply grateful. Hearing her message was very eye-opening about other parts of the world and how much more difficult the trials of others can be.
After this, I surprisingly met a South African woman who was also attending the Conference. She has been living in the US for 3 years, after 17 years of waiting to get a green card to move here with her family. Her home in South Africa, as everyone's home, was protected from gangs with black bars on every window, alarms on the roof, six foot high walls surrounding it with barbed wire at the top. That is how they live! Schools have to have extreme security there. We have no idea how great we have it in America! Again, my eyes were opened to my extremely blessed situation.
The overriding message was reliance on the Savior. We must truly search the scriptures and pray over them until we are filled with the love of God and His Holy Spirit. That is the only way we can face our trials. We were never meant to face them alone! Life wasn't meant to be easy, but it can be peaceful and joyful. You can find holiness in the midst of chaos. You do it by searching the scriptures, prayerfully asking the Lord specifically for what you need, (not just asking that he bless everyone else), and going all out, leaping with faith toward the goal of becoming the person you were meant to become, and seeking small ways to serve others daily. The Lord has a plan for your life. He knows your struggles. He's allowed them so that they will drive you to seek Him. With every trial, we have another opportunity to choose faith. We have to turn our hearts over to Him completely so that He can transform us into new beings. We often pray to be relieved of stress and trials without realizing that it is our trials that challenge us and change us and ultimately save our eternal lives!
One speaker recounted how his born-again Christian friends would ask him, “Have you been saved by grace?” He would emphatically answer, “Yes! Have you been changed by grace?” We know that the Lord saves us, but what does he save us for? We will not only return to live with our Heavenly Father, but we will feel comfortable living there because we will be like Him. When the Savior performed his first miracle of changing the water into wine, He was announcing in a powerful way that He has the power to change things – even things that seem impossible to change. If you cry out, “This is just who I am, I can't be any better,” then you are denying His power to work in your life.
Practical advice included: Identify the least holy moments in your daily life and try to do something to make them a little more holy and remember the Savior. (Such as piling all the kids in the car – say I love you to each one individually as you buckle them in, or put on some music while doing the dinner clean-up). Also, find friends who go through what you go through and interact with them. Spend half an hour Sunday planning and reflecting on your family's interaction. Frequently get away from it all for 24 hours to just reflect about life and evaluate where you are and where you want to be and what you need.
A few of my favorite quotes were:
“If you can't stand it anymore, kneel!”
“A person who is too busy to pray is busier than the Lord would have him or her to be.”
“LDS stands for Let's Do Something.”
“We become what we want to be by consistently being what we want to become.”
“Tribulation can make you bitter or better.”
“Our relationship with Christ should be like the air we breathe.”
“Don't be the one thing that stands in your way.”
“If it was right when you prayed about it, it's right now.”
“We gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” (Eleanor Roosevelt)
As usual, Time Out for Women was a great experience. I am just as determined as before to do all the Lord has commanded me to do, to become the woman he meant for me to be – but now I remember that I must rely on His power to help me each and every day.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Blessings and Trials
These past few weeks have been challenging to say the least. A few times, I've been so exhausted that I felt as though I might reach my breaking point. I've been going and going and giving and giving. Just doing it. Because it is the right thing to do. This past Sunday, I bore testimony at church about how I am receiving some of my greatest blessings while going through some of the toughest trials I've ever been through. Because so much of my time is devoted to doing what I must to help take care of someone who needs me, what I want has dropped nearly out of the picture. Out of necessity, my daily tasks and desires for accomplishment have been stripped to a bare minimum. I've been forced to prioritize. I've had to go easy on what I expect to accomplish.
Knowing that I could never make it through this without the Lord's help, I have knelt in prayer more frequently than usual. I have tried to make sure I read the scriptures daily, searching them more deeply at times. I know that if I allow this trial to steal away my time with the Lord, then Satan will take advantage of his chance to steal away my peace and undermine my self-control.
Also knowing that I could never make it through this without feeling my family's support and love, I've tried my best to subvert all other tasks to simply spending time with my husband and children in the small moments that I can find it. I'm even making more eye contact with them, seeing them as treasures each time I look. I could not allow this trial to give Satan the opportunity to sabotage my closest relationships toward failure.
All this said, I am not perfect. I could have done better most days. Nor am I anywhere near capable of handling what I've handled in the past few weeks all on my own. Yesterday, I prayed while sitting under a tree in my front yard waiting for my daughter to get off the bus. All afternoon and evening, I was at peace. It was one of those days where I occasionally thought, 'okay, this is getting more stressful, you are not going to be able to handle all of this, you are going to snap.' But even while having these thoughts, I was still at peace. In reality, I came nowhere near breaking down.
It was like I was watching myself in slow motion and wondering, “Wow, how am I doing this?” and “This is incredible.”
Late last evening, it dawned on me that I am not the only one praying for me. I told my husband, “This must be what it feels like to feel the prayers of others.” The tremendous peace I've felt and the sustaining strength that the Lord has given me is in answer to the prayers of many. Thank you to all those who have prayed and will pray for me.
I can't say that a few years ago I would have handled all this as well. In the past, I have allowed Satan to take advantage of stressful times, expecting myself to keep caught up on things, losing sleep, worrying my way through every task and every relationship, snapping at my family because of the stress I'd put myself under, forgetting to pray and sing hymns and study the scriptures and wondering why the Lord wasn't helping me more.
This time, instead of feeling resentful because of how much I've sacrificed, wishing vainly that others would acknowledge my suffering, my eyes have been opened to just how much I am loved. Our family has more unity and feelings of love than it did before. My prayers are more filled with gratitude for the incredible answers to prayers we've received. Gratitude that things are not much, much worse.
How is it that I can receive such blessings in the midst of such trials? I don't think there is any other way that I could receive them. Now I know what James meant when he said, “My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into many afflictions” (James 1:2).
Knowing that I could never make it through this without the Lord's help, I have knelt in prayer more frequently than usual. I have tried to make sure I read the scriptures daily, searching them more deeply at times. I know that if I allow this trial to steal away my time with the Lord, then Satan will take advantage of his chance to steal away my peace and undermine my self-control.
Also knowing that I could never make it through this without feeling my family's support and love, I've tried my best to subvert all other tasks to simply spending time with my husband and children in the small moments that I can find it. I'm even making more eye contact with them, seeing them as treasures each time I look. I could not allow this trial to give Satan the opportunity to sabotage my closest relationships toward failure.
All this said, I am not perfect. I could have done better most days. Nor am I anywhere near capable of handling what I've handled in the past few weeks all on my own. Yesterday, I prayed while sitting under a tree in my front yard waiting for my daughter to get off the bus. All afternoon and evening, I was at peace. It was one of those days where I occasionally thought, 'okay, this is getting more stressful, you are not going to be able to handle all of this, you are going to snap.' But even while having these thoughts, I was still at peace. In reality, I came nowhere near breaking down.
It was like I was watching myself in slow motion and wondering, “Wow, how am I doing this?” and “This is incredible.”
Late last evening, it dawned on me that I am not the only one praying for me. I told my husband, “This must be what it feels like to feel the prayers of others.” The tremendous peace I've felt and the sustaining strength that the Lord has given me is in answer to the prayers of many. Thank you to all those who have prayed and will pray for me.
I can't say that a few years ago I would have handled all this as well. In the past, I have allowed Satan to take advantage of stressful times, expecting myself to keep caught up on things, losing sleep, worrying my way through every task and every relationship, snapping at my family because of the stress I'd put myself under, forgetting to pray and sing hymns and study the scriptures and wondering why the Lord wasn't helping me more.
This time, instead of feeling resentful because of how much I've sacrificed, wishing vainly that others would acknowledge my suffering, my eyes have been opened to just how much I am loved. Our family has more unity and feelings of love than it did before. My prayers are more filled with gratitude for the incredible answers to prayers we've received. Gratitude that things are not much, much worse.
How is it that I can receive such blessings in the midst of such trials? I don't think there is any other way that I could receive them. Now I know what James meant when he said, “My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into many afflictions” (James 1:2).
Sunday, July 24, 2011
All is Well
I suppose I've been somewhat silent for a time on my blog. I have had many impressions come and go as to things I ought to write about. Teachings of the Savior that I am learning line by line, little by little. I seem to recall praying about a year and a half ago that the Lord would purify me and help me to be truly “born again” into a new person who is very Christlike and not so … like my old self. As I have endured the trials he's sent my way, I have learned many things. Much of that learning has come from reacting the wrong way first – with harsh words or feelings - and then later coming to understand how the Savior would act. I'm trying to bring myself into alignment with Him. I think I am succeeding now more than I did a year and a half ago. For that, I am grateful, though it took trials, study and prayer to get me here.
Wendy Nelson said that change is like turning a corner. When we truly make a deeply heartfelt change in our lives, we cannot look back and see the old self. It is gone from us. We do not react the same way we used to. We are made new through the power of Christ's Atonement as we faithfully pray for him to strengthen us, because our own strength and determination is not enough. I testify that he truly answers those prayers. He really can change our hearts and make us so that we feel and think differently – better – than we used to.
When the possibility of losing a loved one arises, it seems the most exquisite trial one could face. All sorts of reactions may result. Yet to me, more devastating than mortal death is the spiritual death of a loved one, or their lack of spiritual health to whatever degree, or the death of a family or marriage. One of the most heart wrenching pains I feel as I live this life on earth is that sorrow that comes as I witness unnecessary pain in the lives of those I love, (myself included). When we live beneath our potential. When we make it harder than it needs to be because we try to do it all by ourselves, without the Lord. When we lack the faith to pray and ask for help as the scriptures say (over and over again!), “Ask and it shall be given unto you. Seek and ye shall find. Knock and the door shall be opened unto you.” I can still hear the tune that I learned as a child singing these words.
Though I know that each person is at his or her own point in their lifelong journey of learning, it is still painful to know that there are so many blessings our Heavenly Father would pour out upon them, if they simply obeyed His word, humbled themselves, and asked for help. Asking is not the whole deal, though. There are many who would say, “Now wait just a minute, I've been asking for help for years and I've got nothing to show for it.” There is more than just frantically asking when you feel hopeless and helpless. Or asking out of despair because you just can't take anymore, or because you just feel lost.
He will give unto you, but what good is a gift if he to whom it is given doth not receive it? He will help you find what you need, but you have to reach out and embrace it. He will open the door for you, but you have to walk through it. In other words, BELIEVE in his promise. He can change you, much easier than you can change yourself. Faith is to be acted upon, not just thought about. We must listen for what he tells us to act on. We must rise up from our knees, determined to obey His instruction.
Death is not really scary to me. It is difficult to handle, for certain. There are missed opportunities, and longings, and heartache. But one of the principles of the gospel that attracted me the most when I first learned of it was this: Death is only one step in our eternal progression. It is not something to be feared. Mourned, surely, but ultimately we can be at peace about it. Even those who perhaps were not quite yet prepared to meet God will have the chance, on the other side of the Veil, to continue progressing, repenting, gaining understanding and knowledge, reviewing the lessons learned from their earth life, and even receiving the blessings ordinances such as baptism. As they progress, they are prepared to share this glad message of Christ with others who are still trying to understand. They are even allowed to watch over the family they left behind on the earth and help them along their journey.
So when we are presented with a trial that may lead to the physical death of someone we love, or even ourselves, we can pray for peace and receive it. We can have faith and trust in the Lord. We can and should hope for a miracle. But if it is indeed time for someone to pass through the Veil, we can exercise faith and allow it to drive us to spiritually grow, knowing we will see them again one day.
A few months after I first met my husband, a dear friend of mine died suddenly in a car accident. He was 19. I was hysterical. But Heath was at peace. His amazing ability to be relaxed about it was so comforting to me. He said that perhaps this young man had a mission to fulfill on the other side of the Veil. Something important that Heavenly Father needed him to do. I was so shocked and intrigued by this incredibly peaceful eternal perspective. Now I know that we must trust in the Lord in the face of death. He knows more than we do. He knows what we can handle. He knows what we might regret and how much that can teach us and propel us into spiritual growth. Perhaps as a loving Father in Heaven, He allows physical suffering, and even death, in order to prevent the more important spiritual death that may take us if we allow it to. It is one of the trials we knew we might face when we came here to the earth. Yet we took fresh courage and came anyway, knowing our God would never forsake us.
A hymn we sang at church today includes the line: “And if we die before our journey's through, Happy Day, All is Well.” I believe it would take a long period of mourning before I could sing with a full heart that All is Well. But because of what I know to be true in the gospel of Jesus Christ, I know that day would come and I would “make that chorus swell. All is well. All is well.”
Wendy Nelson said that change is like turning a corner. When we truly make a deeply heartfelt change in our lives, we cannot look back and see the old self. It is gone from us. We do not react the same way we used to. We are made new through the power of Christ's Atonement as we faithfully pray for him to strengthen us, because our own strength and determination is not enough. I testify that he truly answers those prayers. He really can change our hearts and make us so that we feel and think differently – better – than we used to.
When the possibility of losing a loved one arises, it seems the most exquisite trial one could face. All sorts of reactions may result. Yet to me, more devastating than mortal death is the spiritual death of a loved one, or their lack of spiritual health to whatever degree, or the death of a family or marriage. One of the most heart wrenching pains I feel as I live this life on earth is that sorrow that comes as I witness unnecessary pain in the lives of those I love, (myself included). When we live beneath our potential. When we make it harder than it needs to be because we try to do it all by ourselves, without the Lord. When we lack the faith to pray and ask for help as the scriptures say (over and over again!), “Ask and it shall be given unto you. Seek and ye shall find. Knock and the door shall be opened unto you.” I can still hear the tune that I learned as a child singing these words.
Though I know that each person is at his or her own point in their lifelong journey of learning, it is still painful to know that there are so many blessings our Heavenly Father would pour out upon them, if they simply obeyed His word, humbled themselves, and asked for help. Asking is not the whole deal, though. There are many who would say, “Now wait just a minute, I've been asking for help for years and I've got nothing to show for it.” There is more than just frantically asking when you feel hopeless and helpless. Or asking out of despair because you just can't take anymore, or because you just feel lost.
He will give unto you, but what good is a gift if he to whom it is given doth not receive it? He will help you find what you need, but you have to reach out and embrace it. He will open the door for you, but you have to walk through it. In other words, BELIEVE in his promise. He can change you, much easier than you can change yourself. Faith is to be acted upon, not just thought about. We must listen for what he tells us to act on. We must rise up from our knees, determined to obey His instruction.
Death is not really scary to me. It is difficult to handle, for certain. There are missed opportunities, and longings, and heartache. But one of the principles of the gospel that attracted me the most when I first learned of it was this: Death is only one step in our eternal progression. It is not something to be feared. Mourned, surely, but ultimately we can be at peace about it. Even those who perhaps were not quite yet prepared to meet God will have the chance, on the other side of the Veil, to continue progressing, repenting, gaining understanding and knowledge, reviewing the lessons learned from their earth life, and even receiving the blessings ordinances such as baptism. As they progress, they are prepared to share this glad message of Christ with others who are still trying to understand. They are even allowed to watch over the family they left behind on the earth and help them along their journey.
So when we are presented with a trial that may lead to the physical death of someone we love, or even ourselves, we can pray for peace and receive it. We can have faith and trust in the Lord. We can and should hope for a miracle. But if it is indeed time for someone to pass through the Veil, we can exercise faith and allow it to drive us to spiritually grow, knowing we will see them again one day.
A few months after I first met my husband, a dear friend of mine died suddenly in a car accident. He was 19. I was hysterical. But Heath was at peace. His amazing ability to be relaxed about it was so comforting to me. He said that perhaps this young man had a mission to fulfill on the other side of the Veil. Something important that Heavenly Father needed him to do. I was so shocked and intrigued by this incredibly peaceful eternal perspective. Now I know that we must trust in the Lord in the face of death. He knows more than we do. He knows what we can handle. He knows what we might regret and how much that can teach us and propel us into spiritual growth. Perhaps as a loving Father in Heaven, He allows physical suffering, and even death, in order to prevent the more important spiritual death that may take us if we allow it to. It is one of the trials we knew we might face when we came here to the earth. Yet we took fresh courage and came anyway, knowing our God would never forsake us.
A hymn we sang at church today includes the line: “And if we die before our journey's through, Happy Day, All is Well.” I believe it would take a long period of mourning before I could sing with a full heart that All is Well. But because of what I know to be true in the gospel of Jesus Christ, I know that day would come and I would “make that chorus swell. All is well. All is well.”
Friday, June 24, 2011
Exercise Hope
I've been up and down the roller-coaster of emotion and life, with hills of zealous plans for accomplishment and valleys in the mundane slowness of life. All this in the midst of an effort to try to get back to a routine for my life that provides time for reaching goals while allowing flexibility to meet needs and nurture my family. I am finding that each time I progress and learn, I always return to my Lists and Schedules. Sometimes I overdo it, but I just cannot seem to live without structure and still thrive. When I let good habits slide, all other areas of my life begin to slide, too, as well as my attitudes and quality of life. Here's my list: I wake up early, pray, read scriptures, exercise most days, do garden or housework, shower, have family prayer, and so on. There are a number of things in the evening, too, such as family scripture study, more prayer and preparation for the following day, as well as spending time with my husband, that all have their own routine and place in ending my day well.
Anyway, just as I was getting into following that routine, which helps me eat healthier, too, (top of the hill, here) I decided one evening after the kids were in bed to try to start putting away the three large laundry baskets filled with clutter that had been cleared from other spaces in the house while cleaning over the past few weeks. For whatever reason, I just wasn't at the top of my game that night and I got really overwhelmed by the task. So I shirked the work and made cookies instead. It was a steep ride downhill from there. In no time, I was sailing straight into the depths of misery as I consumed many more cookies than I should have, inadvertently overlooking the milk warning on the chocolate chip label. (I am lactose intolerant). I was sick the whole night, not terribly, but enough to be unhappy. I was mostly mad at myself for the loss of control over such a small thing.
If I had just plowed through the task and used all that time more wisely, it would have been done and I would have been happy with the accomplishment. Or, if I had just followed my end of day routine and spent time talking with my husband, or praying for help, I would have been much more at peace in allowing the task to wait another day. The loopty-loops continued the following day as I drove 20 minutes to buy beads, then shopped for clothing for 1.5 hours with NO success with two children along, then missed my toddler's nap because he had a catnap on the way home and he couldn't go back to sleep after that...you can imagine what the rest of my day was like. I was depressed and down on myself. Dare I say I had allowed despair to displace all hope.
How does that happen? One moment we are at the top of the world, and in a matter of one or two choices, one or two thoughts, one or two reactions, and we are plummeting into despair faster than we can call for help.
I began to recover from that little episode as I read about hope in Elder Steven E. Snow's recent talk. I learned that hope is something that we can choose to exercise, just like faith and charity. He said, “Hope is an emotion which brings richness to our everyday lives. It is defined as “the feeling that … events will turn out for the best.” When we exercise hope, we 'look forward … with desire and reasonable confidence.' As such, hope brings a certain calming influence to our lives as we confidently look forward to future events.”
You know, usually, when things are just going wrong for me...like when I get online to research something and the internet doesn't work … or I search for ten minutes for my favorite cookie recipe and I can't find it … or I can't seem to find anything at all at the store, I usually try to take that as a sign that I should be doing something more worthwhile. Such as spending time with my children or husband or Lord. If I remember to do that and choose to just set my currently frustrating task aside (with hope that all things will work out for the best in the future), and go spend time in my relationships, then I am much more likely to have peace. But sometimes I choose to react to frustration with hopelessness and allow despair to replace my hope.
Of this, Elder Snow says, “We should never let hope be displaced by despair. The Apostle Paul wrote that we “should plow in hope” (1 Corinthians 9:10). The exercise of hope enriches our lives and helps us look forward to the future. Whether we are plowing fields to plant or plowing through life, it is imperative we ... have hope.”
The roller-coaster didn't end there. I returned to my routine and was steady for a while, until another hill crested and I began to be consumed by something else. That's for another post. For now, let's just say that I'm getting a lot of practice exercising my hope muscles. Slow and steady. Don't let the good habits slide. And what should I be doing that is more worthwhile?
Anyway, just as I was getting into following that routine, which helps me eat healthier, too, (top of the hill, here) I decided one evening after the kids were in bed to try to start putting away the three large laundry baskets filled with clutter that had been cleared from other spaces in the house while cleaning over the past few weeks. For whatever reason, I just wasn't at the top of my game that night and I got really overwhelmed by the task. So I shirked the work and made cookies instead. It was a steep ride downhill from there. In no time, I was sailing straight into the depths of misery as I consumed many more cookies than I should have, inadvertently overlooking the milk warning on the chocolate chip label. (I am lactose intolerant). I was sick the whole night, not terribly, but enough to be unhappy. I was mostly mad at myself for the loss of control over such a small thing.
If I had just plowed through the task and used all that time more wisely, it would have been done and I would have been happy with the accomplishment. Or, if I had just followed my end of day routine and spent time talking with my husband, or praying for help, I would have been much more at peace in allowing the task to wait another day. The loopty-loops continued the following day as I drove 20 minutes to buy beads, then shopped for clothing for 1.5 hours with NO success with two children along, then missed my toddler's nap because he had a catnap on the way home and he couldn't go back to sleep after that...you can imagine what the rest of my day was like. I was depressed and down on myself. Dare I say I had allowed despair to displace all hope.
How does that happen? One moment we are at the top of the world, and in a matter of one or two choices, one or two thoughts, one or two reactions, and we are plummeting into despair faster than we can call for help.
I began to recover from that little episode as I read about hope in Elder Steven E. Snow's recent talk. I learned that hope is something that we can choose to exercise, just like faith and charity. He said, “Hope is an emotion which brings richness to our everyday lives. It is defined as “the feeling that … events will turn out for the best.” When we exercise hope, we 'look forward … with desire and reasonable confidence.' As such, hope brings a certain calming influence to our lives as we confidently look forward to future events.”
You know, usually, when things are just going wrong for me...like when I get online to research something and the internet doesn't work … or I search for ten minutes for my favorite cookie recipe and I can't find it … or I can't seem to find anything at all at the store, I usually try to take that as a sign that I should be doing something more worthwhile. Such as spending time with my children or husband or Lord. If I remember to do that and choose to just set my currently frustrating task aside (with hope that all things will work out for the best in the future), and go spend time in my relationships, then I am much more likely to have peace. But sometimes I choose to react to frustration with hopelessness and allow despair to replace my hope.
Of this, Elder Snow says, “We should never let hope be displaced by despair. The Apostle Paul wrote that we “should plow in hope” (1 Corinthians 9:10). The exercise of hope enriches our lives and helps us look forward to the future. Whether we are plowing fields to plant or plowing through life, it is imperative we ... have hope.”
The roller-coaster didn't end there. I returned to my routine and was steady for a while, until another hill crested and I began to be consumed by something else. That's for another post. For now, let's just say that I'm getting a lot of practice exercising my hope muscles. Slow and steady. Don't let the good habits slide. And what should I be doing that is more worthwhile?
Monday, June 6, 2011
Family First
Today I went to the grocery store and used one of the carts that has a race car attached to the front of it. The children sat in the front pretending to drive around the store. It was my toddler's first time and he emphatically turned the wheel and called out, “Eeeeeeeee!” all the way to the checkout line. We received so many smiles from passersby – and dodgers – and I generally enjoyed the trip. As I walked – or was chauffeured – to my van, another lady was backing up and caught a glimpse of us out her window. She looked like she might be about sixty-something. She smiled and glanced at the children repeatedly, clearly enjoying the glee on their faces.
I thought, why is it that we all are drawn to the children in a crowd, at a party, at the store, or a get-together? Why do I get so many smiles? All of the smiles are not the same. Some smiles are tolerant. Some smiles – from the other moms with small children – feel my pain/joy. Some smiles – from the empty-nesters – are reminiscent smiles as they think of a past that went by all too quickly. Those are the smiles that help me to have an eternal perspective about the trials of life.
Those are the smiles that make me remember that one day I will be the sixty-year-old smiling at the cute kids and … and what? Will I be remembering all the great things we did together? Savoring the beautiful feelings that those experiences created in me? Or will I be wishing with all my heart that I had spent so much more time loving and teaching them and less time doing … whatever else I was doing. Will there be a little sorrow behind my smile or will it be filled with true joy? I can choose that. Right. Now.
I thought, why is it that we all are drawn to the children in a crowd, at a party, at the store, or a get-together? Why do I get so many smiles? All of the smiles are not the same. Some smiles are tolerant. Some smiles – from the other moms with small children – feel my pain/joy. Some smiles – from the empty-nesters – are reminiscent smiles as they think of a past that went by all too quickly. Those are the smiles that help me to have an eternal perspective about the trials of life.
Those are the smiles that make me remember that one day I will be the sixty-year-old smiling at the cute kids and … and what? Will I be remembering all the great things we did together? Savoring the beautiful feelings that those experiences created in me? Or will I be wishing with all my heart that I had spent so much more time loving and teaching them and less time doing … whatever else I was doing. Will there be a little sorrow behind my smile or will it be filled with true joy? I can choose that. Right. Now.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Who Shall Separate Us From the Love of Christ?
Setback. Today, I thought, 'If only my readers could see me now. What a hypocrite they would think me to be.' I thought I was doing so well, being so happy, getting over my old self, but today was like a time warp straight back to my pre-Charity era. Some things...attitudes...people...weren't working out like I would have hoped and as a result I was back to my old self. My old negative thinking, unmotivated self. I forgot my goals and ate too many cookies from someone else's cookie jar. I did workout, though, but I was angry and pushing for part of the time and sad and sluggish for the other part. I still plowed through the day and tried to do some of the same things that usually brought me joy, but it just wasn't there.
I kept wondering, why? Why have I lost that high feeling of transformation that I had this past couple of weeks? What is different? Thoughts came with possible explanations and I gained some understanding, but I still felt lost and unable to feel that sweet joy and peace in my heart like before. Even when I checked off a very big to do on my list. Even when I was praying and reading the scriptures...a little. Even when my toddler was laughing at his sister.
As I listened with my daughter to one of her electronic storybooks about Beauty and the Beast, I noticed how the Beast could not change back into his true form as a prince until he received love from someone else. Belle's fallen tear as she spoke the words, “I love you,” reminded me of how it is the Savior's Pure Love that is changing me. Why couldn't I feel that love today? (He even loves us when we're beastly)!
It was not until late in the evening that I made it into a very dirty kitchen to begin cleaning it up that I decided to listen to a talk from church. Our church has this great website where you can click on talks that were recently broadcast at our General Conference and listen to them over again. So I found one entitled, “More Than Conquerors Through Him That Loved Us,” referencing Paul's words in the book of Romans.
In his talk, Paul V. Johnson states, “A pattern in the scriptures and in life shows that many times the darkest, most dangerous tests immediately precede remarkable events and tremendous growth. “After much tribulation come the blessings.” The children of Israel were trapped against the Red Sea before it was parted...Time after time we see marvelous blessings on the heels of great trials.”
This particular trial I am experiencing today feels more difficult to bear than all the previous ones from this past year or so added together. Since such great light and joy came after those trials, I am hoping that this will also lead to even more joy in the near future.
But tonight as I write this, I am at peace once again and beginning to feel Christ's charity and love transform me a little more. Here are the scriptures that finally released me from Satan's grasp:
“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? ...Nay, in all these things, we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:35,37-39).
Today, it was me. I was allowing my tribulation to separate me from God. Another scripture reference from the talk was this: “Whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day” (Alma 36:3).
Today, it was me. I was not trusting God with my burden. I was picking up unnecessary emotional baggage. I had to choose to set it back down. The true burden of our trials is to be laid at His feet with total trust. If we can do that, then we will be “more than conquerors.”
In this chapter, Alma goes on to explain his own spiritual rebirth to his son, Helaman. He says, “and from that time even until now, I have labored without ceasing that I might bring souls unto repentance; that I might bring them to taste of the exceeding joy of which I did taste; that they might also be born of God, and be filled with the Holy Ghost. Yea, and now behold, O my son, the Lord doth give me exceedingly great joy in the fruit of my labors,” (Alma 36:24-25).
Today, it was me. I slacked off in my efforts to feel true love and charity in my heart. I did not “labor without ceasing.” As I read this, I thought that this transformation I'm experiencing does not mean that I will have things easy from now on. On the contrary, my trials will give me what I need to learn more. They will still be there. I will still have to fight them. I will still have to labor without ceasing. But “I do put my trust in Him, and He will still deliver me” (Alma 36:27).
Once I was out of Satan's grasp, I felt a lot better, and I was able to feel God's love and act with charity. Then things...attitudes...people got a lot better too.
I kept wondering, why? Why have I lost that high feeling of transformation that I had this past couple of weeks? What is different? Thoughts came with possible explanations and I gained some understanding, but I still felt lost and unable to feel that sweet joy and peace in my heart like before. Even when I checked off a very big to do on my list. Even when I was praying and reading the scriptures...a little. Even when my toddler was laughing at his sister.
As I listened with my daughter to one of her electronic storybooks about Beauty and the Beast, I noticed how the Beast could not change back into his true form as a prince until he received love from someone else. Belle's fallen tear as she spoke the words, “I love you,” reminded me of how it is the Savior's Pure Love that is changing me. Why couldn't I feel that love today? (He even loves us when we're beastly)!
It was not until late in the evening that I made it into a very dirty kitchen to begin cleaning it up that I decided to listen to a talk from church. Our church has this great website where you can click on talks that were recently broadcast at our General Conference and listen to them over again. So I found one entitled, “More Than Conquerors Through Him That Loved Us,” referencing Paul's words in the book of Romans.
In his talk, Paul V. Johnson states, “A pattern in the scriptures and in life shows that many times the darkest, most dangerous tests immediately precede remarkable events and tremendous growth. “After much tribulation come the blessings.” The children of Israel were trapped against the Red Sea before it was parted...Time after time we see marvelous blessings on the heels of great trials.”
This particular trial I am experiencing today feels more difficult to bear than all the previous ones from this past year or so added together. Since such great light and joy came after those trials, I am hoping that this will also lead to even more joy in the near future.
But tonight as I write this, I am at peace once again and beginning to feel Christ's charity and love transform me a little more. Here are the scriptures that finally released me from Satan's grasp:
“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? ...Nay, in all these things, we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:35,37-39).
Today, it was me. I was allowing my tribulation to separate me from God. Another scripture reference from the talk was this: “Whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day” (Alma 36:3).
Today, it was me. I was not trusting God with my burden. I was picking up unnecessary emotional baggage. I had to choose to set it back down. The true burden of our trials is to be laid at His feet with total trust. If we can do that, then we will be “more than conquerors.”
In this chapter, Alma goes on to explain his own spiritual rebirth to his son, Helaman. He says, “and from that time even until now, I have labored without ceasing that I might bring souls unto repentance; that I might bring them to taste of the exceeding joy of which I did taste; that they might also be born of God, and be filled with the Holy Ghost. Yea, and now behold, O my son, the Lord doth give me exceedingly great joy in the fruit of my labors,” (Alma 36:24-25).
Today, it was me. I slacked off in my efforts to feel true love and charity in my heart. I did not “labor without ceasing.” As I read this, I thought that this transformation I'm experiencing does not mean that I will have things easy from now on. On the contrary, my trials will give me what I need to learn more. They will still be there. I will still have to fight them. I will still have to labor without ceasing. But “I do put my trust in Him, and He will still deliver me” (Alma 36:27).
Once I was out of Satan's grasp, I felt a lot better, and I was able to feel God's love and act with charity. Then things...attitudes...people got a lot better too.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Born Again
I've been experiencing a total spiritual renewal over the past week or so, though it has been coming in stages for several months. I can testify that if we allow our trials to help us grow, we will be strengthened by them. When life is hard, I often ask myself, “Why?” in the sense of “What is God trying to teach me, here?” This past year of my life has been filled with trials and emotional turmoil. I wrote a post back in November entitled, “Chains Breaking, Shackles Falling,” and now I am truly feeling the next set of chains breaking away from me. By chains, I mean the ones Satan had wrapped around me so subtly that I did not even know they were there at first.
My last two posts have talked about having faith and praying for charity. Well, I've been doing this. I've been praying that the Lord would transform my heart with His love. With the help of new tools with which to perceive life (ie Sheri Dew's books and James J. Jones' CDs and book), I am more understanding of the emotional baggage I've chosen to pick up and can choose to set down, as well as codependency and healthy boundaries. That, along with my trials, was sort of like the foundation for this change in me. What is bringing it to fruition is sincere daily prayer, morning and night (and lots of times mid-day), pleading with the Lord to change me, as well as daily scripture study and messages I hear at church. Doing all of these things has brought the Holy Ghost into my presence. Now that I know the peace He can give, I realize how much my heart has been at war all this time...without me even realizing it sometimes.
What's amazing is that things around me are not changing. My circumstances have not changed much. My responsibilities have not lessened. My long to-do list hasn't gotten much shorter. People are still the same, mostly. But because I chose to Believe that Christ truly can heal my heart and bring me peace, it is here. This is hard to explain, because I have believed in Christ all my life. I've even had several other times of great spiritual renewal. I've known times of peace. But the habits I wanted to change always came back. The negative attitudes, the perfectionism, eating poorly, not sleeping or exercising enough, judging others, etc, etc. Though I would make efforts at changing and would for a while, somehow, they have always returned, and my heart stayed at war, and I could not fully overcome my “natural man” tendencies as Paul speaks of in the New Testament.
I am not saying that I have fully overcome them now. But I am further down that path than I ever have been before. I am going through each day with peace. Things happen and conversations take place that threaten to take it away again, and the temptation is still there at times to fall into depressed ways of thinking and doing, or rushed, annoyed ones. But in those moments, I am stopping more often than not to “check” whether or not I feel His peace through the Spirit. And if I don't, then I “back up” a bit and usually pray or sing a hymn and then my feelings smooth over and peace returns. It is miraculous to me.
I have prayed for years to overcome some of these things and suddenly I am finding that they simply aren't there anymore! I would get stressed and want to eat something, usually sweet. Too many of my daily cares centered around pleasing other people in an unhealthy, perfectionist way. I was constantly in a hurry to “get to the next thing” on my list and as a result would often overlook the needs of others. Now, suddenly, because of many answered prayers for the pure love of Christ to transform and purify me, I am free! I am free to be who I truly am and want to be.
I am finding that I can speak calmly to my children when they are doing the same things that I used to raise my voice to. I am patient with things and people like never before. Even with very emotional issues that would have had me anxious for days and worrisome for weeks, I am able to find peace in doing what I can do and then giving the rest of the burden to the Lord, patiently waiting for His timing. I am not in a hurry all the time anymore, and if I have to be, it's not the end of my peace! I am living more “in the now” than ever, seizing the moments that can bring joy – tickling my kids and bouncing on the yoga ball with them and laughing when they sneak up on Daddy, chasing my toddler through the house when he gets that look in his eye and laughing like crazy with him when I catch him.
I know much of this is vague and probably not very easy to understand, but I am just so thankful for these changes the Lord has wrought in me. I finally really understand what a “mighty change of heart” is. And the amazing thing is that I thought I already understood it. I thought I knew what it was before now. But now that I am here, I see that I didn't. I hope that in the coming weeks, I will be able to better articulate what I have learned so that I can help others learn it, too.
One of my greatest sorrows now is seeing others in pain who do not understand how to partake of the Savior's healing power. The other is not knowing how to share it with them.
For now, I can at least recommend Sheri Dew's book, “If Life Were Easy, It Wouldn't Be Hard,” along with prayer and scripture study. The Recommended Reading List on my blog is also worth a look, and of course, the scriptures! They have gems of knowledge in them well worth searching for.
I suppose my main message to my readers today is one of Hope. Christ can change you! You can feel peace and joy every day of your lives! You can live! It is actually possible, even in the midst of great trial, if you turn to Him. He said, “Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me: for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light,” (Matthew 11:28-30). Stop trying to carry your burdens by yourself! Seek the healing power of Christ's Atonement now. Can you really afford to wait any longer before making the time to do this?
I wish I had sought Him more diligently long ago. But then again, I have been seeking Him for more than fifteen years, and He has taught me line upon line, a little here and little there, more so when I sought him sincerely, and not so much when I allowed myself to be distracted from Him. I believe He will continue to teach me for the rest of my life. I'm not perfect by any means. That's the whole point! I couldn't do it by myself, but the Lord is changing the things I've tried to change for years. I had to be tried; I had to be chastened and corrected, humbled and taught. I had to let Him change me. Let Him change you, too!
My last two posts have talked about having faith and praying for charity. Well, I've been doing this. I've been praying that the Lord would transform my heart with His love. With the help of new tools with which to perceive life (ie Sheri Dew's books and James J. Jones' CDs and book), I am more understanding of the emotional baggage I've chosen to pick up and can choose to set down, as well as codependency and healthy boundaries. That, along with my trials, was sort of like the foundation for this change in me. What is bringing it to fruition is sincere daily prayer, morning and night (and lots of times mid-day), pleading with the Lord to change me, as well as daily scripture study and messages I hear at church. Doing all of these things has brought the Holy Ghost into my presence. Now that I know the peace He can give, I realize how much my heart has been at war all this time...without me even realizing it sometimes.
What's amazing is that things around me are not changing. My circumstances have not changed much. My responsibilities have not lessened. My long to-do list hasn't gotten much shorter. People are still the same, mostly. But because I chose to Believe that Christ truly can heal my heart and bring me peace, it is here. This is hard to explain, because I have believed in Christ all my life. I've even had several other times of great spiritual renewal. I've known times of peace. But the habits I wanted to change always came back. The negative attitudes, the perfectionism, eating poorly, not sleeping or exercising enough, judging others, etc, etc. Though I would make efforts at changing and would for a while, somehow, they have always returned, and my heart stayed at war, and I could not fully overcome my “natural man” tendencies as Paul speaks of in the New Testament.
I am not saying that I have fully overcome them now. But I am further down that path than I ever have been before. I am going through each day with peace. Things happen and conversations take place that threaten to take it away again, and the temptation is still there at times to fall into depressed ways of thinking and doing, or rushed, annoyed ones. But in those moments, I am stopping more often than not to “check” whether or not I feel His peace through the Spirit. And if I don't, then I “back up” a bit and usually pray or sing a hymn and then my feelings smooth over and peace returns. It is miraculous to me.
I have prayed for years to overcome some of these things and suddenly I am finding that they simply aren't there anymore! I would get stressed and want to eat something, usually sweet. Too many of my daily cares centered around pleasing other people in an unhealthy, perfectionist way. I was constantly in a hurry to “get to the next thing” on my list and as a result would often overlook the needs of others. Now, suddenly, because of many answered prayers for the pure love of Christ to transform and purify me, I am free! I am free to be who I truly am and want to be.
I am finding that I can speak calmly to my children when they are doing the same things that I used to raise my voice to. I am patient with things and people like never before. Even with very emotional issues that would have had me anxious for days and worrisome for weeks, I am able to find peace in doing what I can do and then giving the rest of the burden to the Lord, patiently waiting for His timing. I am not in a hurry all the time anymore, and if I have to be, it's not the end of my peace! I am living more “in the now” than ever, seizing the moments that can bring joy – tickling my kids and bouncing on the yoga ball with them and laughing when they sneak up on Daddy, chasing my toddler through the house when he gets that look in his eye and laughing like crazy with him when I catch him.
I know much of this is vague and probably not very easy to understand, but I am just so thankful for these changes the Lord has wrought in me. I finally really understand what a “mighty change of heart” is. And the amazing thing is that I thought I already understood it. I thought I knew what it was before now. But now that I am here, I see that I didn't. I hope that in the coming weeks, I will be able to better articulate what I have learned so that I can help others learn it, too.
One of my greatest sorrows now is seeing others in pain who do not understand how to partake of the Savior's healing power. The other is not knowing how to share it with them.
For now, I can at least recommend Sheri Dew's book, “If Life Were Easy, It Wouldn't Be Hard,” along with prayer and scripture study. The Recommended Reading List on my blog is also worth a look, and of course, the scriptures! They have gems of knowledge in them well worth searching for.
I suppose my main message to my readers today is one of Hope. Christ can change you! You can feel peace and joy every day of your lives! You can live! It is actually possible, even in the midst of great trial, if you turn to Him. He said, “Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me: for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light,” (Matthew 11:28-30). Stop trying to carry your burdens by yourself! Seek the healing power of Christ's Atonement now. Can you really afford to wait any longer before making the time to do this?
I wish I had sought Him more diligently long ago. But then again, I have been seeking Him for more than fifteen years, and He has taught me line upon line, a little here and little there, more so when I sought him sincerely, and not so much when I allowed myself to be distracted from Him. I believe He will continue to teach me for the rest of my life. I'm not perfect by any means. That's the whole point! I couldn't do it by myself, but the Lord is changing the things I've tried to change for years. I had to be tried; I had to be chastened and corrected, humbled and taught. I had to let Him change me. Let Him change you, too!
Thursday, March 31, 2011
The Greatest of These
I've been listening to Sheri Dew's book, “If Life Were Easy, It Wouldn't Be Hard.” She includes many profound perspectives, including how to set down the emotional baggage we carry, and some ideas about how charity is greater than faith or hope. Charity is the pure love of Christ. I could quote the entire thirteenth chapter of 1 Corinthians here. I encourage you to read it soon. Verse 13 says, “And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.”
Sheri Dew shed a new light on charity, or love. She said, “Charity is a healing, transforming balm bestowed by the Father, applied by the Holy Ghost, to true followers of his Son, that will change our very nature as it purifies us.”
As we pray for this charity, we can change! The Lord will transform us, for we cannot transform ourselves. I'm sure everyone knows what it is like to know that something is wrong in our souls, but to not feel capable of fixing it. Or to have pain from abuse or tragedy and not be able to eradicate its effects. Or to know that we have a destructive habit or behavior, but feel as though no matter what we do, we have not been able to conquer it. Of course we can't conquer it! We need the Lord to transform us first and then when we have His pure love in our hearts, we will be able to conquer bad habits, to heal and to let go of pain. He stands at the door and knocks, waiting for us to open our hearts and truly let Him in. He will not force us.
I have prayed that he would purify me, knowing that I could not overcome my weaknesses by myself. I have prayed to be filled with the love of God. That I would be able to have true charity toward all and the ability to truly love others and not judge them no matter how badly they hurt me or the others around them. (Verse 4: Charity suffereth long, and is kind.) But I never quite thought of charity this way. Now I am praying for the Lord to apply the transforming power of His Atonement to my heart so I may change the things I know I must if I am to find everlasting joy in this life and teach my children how to find it as well. I am so thankful for the gospel of Jesus Christ and that the Lord is always willing to teach me when I seek Him!
Sheri Dew shed a new light on charity, or love. She said, “Charity is a healing, transforming balm bestowed by the Father, applied by the Holy Ghost, to true followers of his Son, that will change our very nature as it purifies us.”
As we pray for this charity, we can change! The Lord will transform us, for we cannot transform ourselves. I'm sure everyone knows what it is like to know that something is wrong in our souls, but to not feel capable of fixing it. Or to have pain from abuse or tragedy and not be able to eradicate its effects. Or to know that we have a destructive habit or behavior, but feel as though no matter what we do, we have not been able to conquer it. Of course we can't conquer it! We need the Lord to transform us first and then when we have His pure love in our hearts, we will be able to conquer bad habits, to heal and to let go of pain. He stands at the door and knocks, waiting for us to open our hearts and truly let Him in. He will not force us.
I have prayed that he would purify me, knowing that I could not overcome my weaknesses by myself. I have prayed to be filled with the love of God. That I would be able to have true charity toward all and the ability to truly love others and not judge them no matter how badly they hurt me or the others around them. (Verse 4: Charity suffereth long, and is kind.) But I never quite thought of charity this way. Now I am praying for the Lord to apply the transforming power of His Atonement to my heart so I may change the things I know I must if I am to find everlasting joy in this life and teach my children how to find it as well. I am so thankful for the gospel of Jesus Christ and that the Lord is always willing to teach me when I seek Him!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
The Substance of Things Hoped For
I am a list-maker. I like to plan ahead to be sure that I am well-prepared for whatever comes my way...or at least what I know is coming. Unfortunately, I can get a little OCD about it. I can get a little perfectionist about it and start planning my life so that it is filled to the maximum and over-flowing with things “To Do.” This results in my feeling way too overwhelmed with life and because I feel so overwhelmed, I usually become paralyzed and make little or no progress at all. Meanwhile, my relationships weaken, both with immediate and extended family, and with friends. I miss opportunities to be an instrument in the Lord's hands to uplift and strengthen others.
Lately, I've been trying to overcome this obsession with lists. This year, I've been trying to pray to become more in tune with the Holy Ghost. This way, I know that if I am praying, studying, and listening for the Lord, he will prompt me to know what the most important things are. He will help me to have patience to wait on the things I cannot now achieve, and He will tell me what things I may not need to do at all.
One of the characters in my novel desires to have the power to foresee the future, thinking that if she can have this gift, it would be a close guarantee of success during her mortal journey. I was listening to a book on CD by Sheri Dew, entitled, “If Life Were Easy, It Wouldn't Be Hard.” The last chapter is “You Might Be Making Life Harder Than It Needs To Be.” As I listened to her talk about how we can call on the powers of heaven to help us daily in any matter that we feel we need the Lord's help in, I realized that I have not always had enough faith to ask for his help. We are told in the scriptures, “Ask, and ye shall receive.” Do we really believe that?
With all my list-making and planning tasks into my life, I was trying desperately on my own to see my future. I wanted to plan it and have it in my mind before it happened. (I don't do well with sudden change). However, as I have tried to invite the Spirit into my life more often, I have witnessed that He can guide me and give me peace on a daily basis. Some planning needs to happen, but I am not obsessively worried about my long To Do list anymore.
All this time, what I sought after on my own was mine to choose. I wanted assurance that the future would bring success and accomplishment, happiness and progress. Now I know that I must have FAITH, for “Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” (Hebrews 11:1) When I live with faith each day that the Lord will help me, I can have peace. I can live in a more relaxed state of mind and heart, taking the time to pray, to ponder the scriptures, to spend time meeting my family's needs and loving them, to exercise, to focus some of my energy on eating healthier. I can be reassured.
As I am beginning to exercise my faith in this way, I am also realizing, with the help of Sheri Dew, that I must pray to be transformed into someone who possesses true charity, the pure love of Christ. As I am filled with the Lord's love for all, I will be strengthened to overcome my weaknesses, not through my own power or planning, but through the Lord's tender, merciful answers to my prayers. Prayers that include my To Do List, for sure, but are more focused on changing my heart. Now that I have more faith, I have more hope for the future, too. Not only hope, but a blessed assurance “of things hoped for.” And, with that hope in my heart, I can stop being so frenzied about my To Do List and start seeing the people around me as people who need that pure love of Christ. Hopefully, the Lord will see fit to show it to them through me sometimes.
I'm so thankful for the scriptures and the words of other followers of Christ. I'm so thankful for the Holy Ghost, through whom the Lord helps me each day. I'm thankful for the power of prayer and the knowledge that my Savior can transform me like I never could.
Lately, I've been trying to overcome this obsession with lists. This year, I've been trying to pray to become more in tune with the Holy Ghost. This way, I know that if I am praying, studying, and listening for the Lord, he will prompt me to know what the most important things are. He will help me to have patience to wait on the things I cannot now achieve, and He will tell me what things I may not need to do at all.
One of the characters in my novel desires to have the power to foresee the future, thinking that if she can have this gift, it would be a close guarantee of success during her mortal journey. I was listening to a book on CD by Sheri Dew, entitled, “If Life Were Easy, It Wouldn't Be Hard.” The last chapter is “You Might Be Making Life Harder Than It Needs To Be.” As I listened to her talk about how we can call on the powers of heaven to help us daily in any matter that we feel we need the Lord's help in, I realized that I have not always had enough faith to ask for his help. We are told in the scriptures, “Ask, and ye shall receive.” Do we really believe that?
With all my list-making and planning tasks into my life, I was trying desperately on my own to see my future. I wanted to plan it and have it in my mind before it happened. (I don't do well with sudden change). However, as I have tried to invite the Spirit into my life more often, I have witnessed that He can guide me and give me peace on a daily basis. Some planning needs to happen, but I am not obsessively worried about my long To Do list anymore.
All this time, what I sought after on my own was mine to choose. I wanted assurance that the future would bring success and accomplishment, happiness and progress. Now I know that I must have FAITH, for “Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” (Hebrews 11:1) When I live with faith each day that the Lord will help me, I can have peace. I can live in a more relaxed state of mind and heart, taking the time to pray, to ponder the scriptures, to spend time meeting my family's needs and loving them, to exercise, to focus some of my energy on eating healthier. I can be reassured.
As I am beginning to exercise my faith in this way, I am also realizing, with the help of Sheri Dew, that I must pray to be transformed into someone who possesses true charity, the pure love of Christ. As I am filled with the Lord's love for all, I will be strengthened to overcome my weaknesses, not through my own power or planning, but through the Lord's tender, merciful answers to my prayers. Prayers that include my To Do List, for sure, but are more focused on changing my heart. Now that I have more faith, I have more hope for the future, too. Not only hope, but a blessed assurance “of things hoped for.” And, with that hope in my heart, I can stop being so frenzied about my To Do List and start seeing the people around me as people who need that pure love of Christ. Hopefully, the Lord will see fit to show it to them through me sometimes.
I'm so thankful for the scriptures and the words of other followers of Christ. I'm so thankful for the Holy Ghost, through whom the Lord helps me each day. I'm thankful for the power of prayer and the knowledge that my Savior can transform me like I never could.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Expressions of Love
Recently I was chatting with a friend as she was picking up children, so I stood at her open van door while the children played and talked inside. Our conversation was interrupted when the youngest girl, age 5, wanted her older brother to take his hand off of the car seat in front of her so she could do something. He would not remove his hand. My friend assessed the situation and said, “Son, are you choosing love?” Clearly, they had spoken of this before in their family. He removed his hand and his sister said “Thank You.”
I was impressed by this simple call to pay attention to whether or not one's actions were expressing love. Expressions of love are on my mind lately, not only because Valentine's Day, but because I have been on the receiving end of many.
Today, in particular, several things collided to form a bit of an emotional roller coaster, but all had to do with love. First, I received flowers delivered to me with a sweet message from my husband and how he was thankful to God for bringing us together 14 years ago. I was elated! Even brought to tears. Second, I found myself apologizing for a missed opportunity to express love to a friend. Third, I received news of my husband's grandmother's passing. She was 90, and I realized that she truly was my grandmother, too. Many times over the past few years, I was at her house on an errand of love. A week ago, she held my hand to her lips and kissed it, and through tears, she said, “I love you.”
My life has been a whirlwind of chaos for a few months. Mostly because of illness. Actually, it was mostly because I was not focused on feeling the love of the Lord and following His ways. It would be more accurate to say that my mind has been a whirlwind of chaos and worry.
But then this week, after a humbling experience of how my own self-absorption negatively impacted another person, I resolved to wake up from my spiritual slumber and seek the Spirit diligently. As I have done so, I have received the most wonderful expression of love from my Heavenly Father – peace. I feel His Spirit again. I lost my worries.
In this life, we will get sick. We will have so much responsibility that it overwhelms us. People we love will pass on. We will miss some opportunities. We will hurt others unintentionally. We will be selfish at times. We can worry our way through it and become so absorbed by our problems that we lose some capacity to love. Or, we can try to remember to ask ourselves: How can I show love today?
I was impressed by this simple call to pay attention to whether or not one's actions were expressing love. Expressions of love are on my mind lately, not only because Valentine's Day, but because I have been on the receiving end of many.
Today, in particular, several things collided to form a bit of an emotional roller coaster, but all had to do with love. First, I received flowers delivered to me with a sweet message from my husband and how he was thankful to God for bringing us together 14 years ago. I was elated! Even brought to tears. Second, I found myself apologizing for a missed opportunity to express love to a friend. Third, I received news of my husband's grandmother's passing. She was 90, and I realized that she truly was my grandmother, too. Many times over the past few years, I was at her house on an errand of love. A week ago, she held my hand to her lips and kissed it, and through tears, she said, “I love you.”
My life has been a whirlwind of chaos for a few months. Mostly because of illness. Actually, it was mostly because I was not focused on feeling the love of the Lord and following His ways. It would be more accurate to say that my mind has been a whirlwind of chaos and worry.
But then this week, after a humbling experience of how my own self-absorption negatively impacted another person, I resolved to wake up from my spiritual slumber and seek the Spirit diligently. As I have done so, I have received the most wonderful expression of love from my Heavenly Father – peace. I feel His Spirit again. I lost my worries.
In this life, we will get sick. We will have so much responsibility that it overwhelms us. People we love will pass on. We will miss some opportunities. We will hurt others unintentionally. We will be selfish at times. We can worry our way through it and become so absorbed by our problems that we lose some capacity to love. Or, we can try to remember to ask ourselves: How can I show love today?
Thursday, January 6, 2011
When You Remember Me, I Will Strengthen You
Our goal as a family this New Year is to focus on trying to feel the Spirit of the Lord more often in our home. As parents, we are also trying hard to make some changes in the way we discipline. We are trying to be more consistent, have more logical consequences, not allow misbehavior, and do all of that while speaking respectfully to our children. I can't believe how amazingly difficult it is to speak respectfully to our children. We are trying to be firm, but loving at the same time, and not allow anger to show through. Unfortunately, we are all too often angry as we discipline and our poor daughter picks up more on a feeling of disapproval of her than of the behavior.
So, to help with this, we have made feeling the Spirit a higher priority. Of course, whenever we set this as a goal, Satan kicks it up a notch, too. So, we've been facing illness and a demanding, fussy baby for a while now, as well as other stresses. Not as huge as the trials many others face, and I am grateful our trials are “so small.” But, they are just enough to push us over the edge of anger and shortness with our children on a daily basis. So, in the midst of all this, I've found myself having to pray for strength to keep trying and not give up.
I am noticing a pattern in my life. Whenever I am having a problem that I am struggling with and trying to overcome, I always realize that in order to fix that problem, I need to have the Spirit of the Lord with me. To have the Spirit of the Lord with me, I have to do things that will invite Him to be with me, such as obey the commandments, pray, and study the scriptures and ponder them.
In our church, every Sunday during Sacrament Meeting, the congregation partakes of the bread and water. These are emblems of the body and blood of the Savior Jesus Christ. When the priest kneels to bless the bread and water, included in his sacred prayer is a promise. When I partake of the bread and water, I am promising God that I will “always remember Him.” All promise and partake “that they may have His Spirit to be with them.”
So I've been praying, “Help me, help me.” Tonight, I needed to do the dishes, but my back was aching like crazy (the baby is a twenty-something pound chunk!). But I had faith that if I could just make myself stand in front of the sink, I would be able to go through the motions and at least get the dishwasher loaded. As I was doing so, I felt like I should sing a hymn. So I began singing, “I Know That My Redeemer Lives,” which I have a laminated copy of in the kitchen so that I can learn the words. By the end of the first verse, it was as though I had completely forgotten about the pain in my back. When I realized this, a comforting feeling came over me that was unmistakably the Spirit of the Lord and a thought came to my mind: When you remember me, then I will strengthen you.
With gratitude for the lesson, I realized that this sacred promise I make each Sunday is the key to receiving all the help I need. It's as though my act of remembering Him is an act of faith and it opens the door for Him to bless and strengthen me, much more so than He will if I am forgetting Him throughout the days and weeks. How often do I focus on what I could be doing better, what the children are doing wrong, what I am doing wrong, what my husband is doing wrong and how miserably we are failing? If I would just change my focus and remember Who it is I am trying to emulate through all this, then perhaps I will be strengthened and changed so that I can do what is right. I'm grateful that inviting the Spirit is as simple as singing a sacred song.
So, to help with this, we have made feeling the Spirit a higher priority. Of course, whenever we set this as a goal, Satan kicks it up a notch, too. So, we've been facing illness and a demanding, fussy baby for a while now, as well as other stresses. Not as huge as the trials many others face, and I am grateful our trials are “so small.” But, they are just enough to push us over the edge of anger and shortness with our children on a daily basis. So, in the midst of all this, I've found myself having to pray for strength to keep trying and not give up.
I am noticing a pattern in my life. Whenever I am having a problem that I am struggling with and trying to overcome, I always realize that in order to fix that problem, I need to have the Spirit of the Lord with me. To have the Spirit of the Lord with me, I have to do things that will invite Him to be with me, such as obey the commandments, pray, and study the scriptures and ponder them.
In our church, every Sunday during Sacrament Meeting, the congregation partakes of the bread and water. These are emblems of the body and blood of the Savior Jesus Christ. When the priest kneels to bless the bread and water, included in his sacred prayer is a promise. When I partake of the bread and water, I am promising God that I will “always remember Him.” All promise and partake “that they may have His Spirit to be with them.”
So I've been praying, “Help me, help me.” Tonight, I needed to do the dishes, but my back was aching like crazy (the baby is a twenty-something pound chunk!). But I had faith that if I could just make myself stand in front of the sink, I would be able to go through the motions and at least get the dishwasher loaded. As I was doing so, I felt like I should sing a hymn. So I began singing, “I Know That My Redeemer Lives,” which I have a laminated copy of in the kitchen so that I can learn the words. By the end of the first verse, it was as though I had completely forgotten about the pain in my back. When I realized this, a comforting feeling came over me that was unmistakably the Spirit of the Lord and a thought came to my mind: When you remember me, then I will strengthen you.
With gratitude for the lesson, I realized that this sacred promise I make each Sunday is the key to receiving all the help I need. It's as though my act of remembering Him is an act of faith and it opens the door for Him to bless and strengthen me, much more so than He will if I am forgetting Him throughout the days and weeks. How often do I focus on what I could be doing better, what the children are doing wrong, what I am doing wrong, what my husband is doing wrong and how miserably we are failing? If I would just change my focus and remember Who it is I am trying to emulate through all this, then perhaps I will be strengthened and changed so that I can do what is right. I'm grateful that inviting the Spirit is as simple as singing a sacred song.
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