No Such Thing as a Gift-Less Christmas

I love Christmas Time! I love putting up the tree right after Thanksgiving. I love turning on the lights after dark and turning out all the other lights in the house. I love singing the Christmas hymns and songs with gusto. I love the stories of the Christ Child. I love getting out the Nativity set and playing with it with the kids. I love putting the ornaments on the tree (although this year, my daughter was too fast for me and I mostly just put hooks on them for her – it was still fun). I love baking sugar cookies and putting on the icing and sprinkles. I love driving around to look at the lights.

I love gift-giving. Every September, I begin thinking about and usually doing some of my Christmas shopping. Sometimes, I'm even thinking about next year's gifts before this year's Christmas is over. Something useful, I think. Something practical. Something that will have meaning to the receiver. I take note of things that my nieces and nephews particularly enjoy playing with when they are at my house...sometimes months in advance. I really enjoy giving everyone their gifts and seeing them smile. Those years when I get started on time and finish well in advance of the actual holiday season, I happily find that I have enough time to focus on teaching my child about the Savior during Christmas time. On helping her to give to others. I have time to read the scriptural accounts of the Savior's birth and reflect on them.

Then there are those other years... those years when I wait too late to start my shopping. When the ever-approaching date is getting closer and closer and I am getting more and more stressed out about how in the world I am going to manage a decent gift for everyone in time! Those years, I have not found much time for my Savior, or myself, or my family. I rush around frantically trying to plan, find, assemble, and wrap something that will likely have little value to the receiver. It is not very fulfilling. I usually end up sick and grouchy under the happy-face surface on Christmas Day.

Thankfully, this is one of the good years.

But I hear from others that it is not quite so great for them this year. So many are bustling around, frantically trying to adhere to the cultural pressures that so-and-so must have this type of gift, that cost this much money, that is wrapped this certain way, and given on this certain day, in such a way that does not offend anyone else receiving a gift on the same day, or make them feel left out or judged in any way, but only loved and special. Some aren't bustling around because they don't have the money to. Instead, they stress and feel guilty over how much they can't afford to buy. They worry that their family might suffer from a gift-less Christmas and feel ever so unloved.

I wonder how different our cultural celebration of Christmas would look if we took out the tradition of gift-giving, period? Just erased it.

Would we remember that the reason we started putting up trees and decorating them was in honor of Jesus Christ and the eternal life we can have if we believe in Him? Not to have something to put the presents under. Would we remember that the reason for all the lights was to remind us of the Light of the World, the Light of Life who shines through all the darkness? Not to make our yard look brighter than the neighbor's. Would we remember that St. Nicholas became a legend because of his Christ-like character? Would we get together with our families to simply enjoy a meal and one another's company? To fellowship one another, show our love and concern to one another? To play games and have fun together?

Whether we stopped our own gift-giving or not, there could never be such a thing as a gift-less Christmas. The very reason we have it is because Heavenly Father gave us the greatest gift of all: His only Begotten Son. Jesus Christ laid down his life for us, suffered so that we might be washed clean of our sins. A newborn king that was laid in a manger will always be Heavenly Father's offering to us. His gift will always be there. We need only open our hearts to receive it. My prayer for all is that we can focus on the Best Gift of Christmas without worrying too much about all the rest. Merry Christmas.

Of Things That Matter Most

I've been hearing a lot about self-mastery, faith, and choices lately. I've been going back to the General Conference Archive and listening to some great talks again. President Uchtdorf's talk entitled “Of Things That Matter Most” in particular stood out to me and brought relief.

Last year was a huge leap for me with regards to my novel. I accomplished more in six months than I had in years. I got the first book in the series almost completed. Then I took a break, had some great holidays, had a baby, and well... I think I finished up a few partial chapters back in April and wrote one new one in September. Other than that, I really haven't written all year, other than in my journal and for this blog and a few letters. I kept thinking when my daughter started Kindergarten, I would get back to it consistently. So it's been on my mind for about three months now and I just haven't gotten to it. I've been mostly at peace about it, but a feeling of discord has been rising in me and I've been getting worried that I will never find the time to return to it again.

But a woman at church today said that you have to give your problems to the Lord and then stop worrying. You can still ponder and pray about them, but you can stop worrying and live with faith that the matter is in the Lord's hands. I thought, “Yes, I need to live with faith that if the Lord wants me to write this book, he will prepare a way for me to do it.”

President Uchtdorf said, “When stress levels rise, when distress appears, when tragedy strikes, too often we attempt to keep up the same frantic pace or even accelerate, thinking somehow that the more rushed our pace, the better off we will be...It is said that any virtue when taken to an extreme can become a vice. Overscheduling our days would certainly qualify for this. There comes a point where milestones can become millstones and ambitions, albatrosses around our necks.”

What a blessing it was for me to hear this. I am so incredibly talented at overscheduling my life, it is frightening sometimes. It's always a relief to be reminded that I am allowed to be human.

The parenting CD's I've been listening to gave me another eye-opener when I learned about the things that “drive” children (and thus adults). One of them “Be perfect.” Another is “Be Strong.” Don't let life get you down. No matter what happens, we're supposed to bounce back, take it in stride, never miss a beat, keep on keepin' on, and just keep smiling. Sometimes we get sent this message that we shouldn't feel what we feel. That we need to just get over it and stop crying.

What I'm realizing is that if we want to have self-mastery and be able to make those right choices, to focus on the Things that Matter Most, then we have to know the self we are trying to master. We have to admit the truth. And the truth is weakness. But that's okay! We're human. No matter how hard I try, I'm not superhuman. I can't always get everything done. I can't always smile. I can't always succeed. It's okay to ask for some time alone.

Being perfect has been a big “driver” for me. Learning that it's okay to fail has been hard, but liberating. I'm learning to expect what is realistic. To forgive myself for not accomplishing, or rather to release the feeling that I need to forgive myself. I'm learning that even if I fail at being the perfect example for my children, I can apologize and move forward and try to do better and it won't actually ruin my kid in the process. Kids don't need to see us being perfect all the time. They need to see how we deal with being imperfect. Dealing with that requires reliance on the Savior. Admitting failure. Being weak. They need to see that it's okay to fail, to feel, to cry, to pray, to move on, to try again. When we let go of this facade of always trying to be perfect and strong for ourselves, our family, our friends, we can slow down and focus on the joy of what matters most: them.

Weeding

Today I worked in the beautiful weather weeding my flowerbed. I did several other jobs outside, including cleaning up the shingles that were strewn all over the driveway around the pallet and the wooden pallets/plywood that have been leaning against the house for several years now. Now we can walk in between the house and the shingle load. Amazing. Now why did I not ever do that before? Why did I let my flower garden get overgrown with weeds and messy looking? Why have I allowed my house to get so cluttered? To be so out of order? I am truly seeing now the real connection there can be between the state of one's surroundings and possessions and the state of that person's mind and emotions, and their self-image.

Every weed I pull, every space I declutter, I feel a little more healed.

The most amazing thing about weeding in the flower garden today was that I didn't worry about anything else while I was doing it. I just did the work. I didn't rush through it or begrudge that it had to be done. I didn't even hate myself for allowing it to get so overgrown. I just worked and talked with my daughter. I just enjoyed being outdoors. I didn't feel guilty for not spending the time serving someone else or doing something else. It was the most enjoyable weeding I've ever done in my life. (and I hate weeding!)

Suddenly, I'm not in a hurry all the time about my to do list. It's just there, waiting for me, whenever I can get to it. Of course, there are still things that have deadlines and things that need to be done in a timely manner. But I'm allowing myself to work them into my life, not work my life around the things on my list. It was such a beautiful day and I just wanted to be outside, so I went outside! Too many days of my life, I've come up with excuses for why I cannot waste time outdoors when there is so much to be done in the house. What a shame.

I was feeling so great about my day and then my husband came home. He had a busy, stressful day. I've still been enjoying the bliss of having our family work together to clean up after dinner. But tonight, while Daddy stepped out of the kitchen for a few moments, I encouraged my daughter to help me quickly do his jobs for him so he could relax. It was our big secret that we surprised him with when he came back in.

I am ashamed to admit that this was one of too few times in my life when I felt true charity, as the pure love of Christ. I knew that my husband was going to come back in ready to help clean up, and I knew that he'd had a hard day. It was fun and I was filled with love as I did his jobs for him. I wasn't resentful, like I used to be – ya know, when I never would ask him to help me with anything (well, almost never). It's like now that I am learning how to respect myself and love myself, I am feeling more loved by others, too.

I definitely have a lot more to be thankful for this year at Thanksgiving!

Chains Breaking, Shackles Falling

Since my eyes have been opened to my workaholic and codependent tendencies, as well as my perfectionism and tendency to feel responsible for the whole world, I have started to change. I almost can't believe it. I almost want to knock on wood right now. It seems too good to be true. But then I remember. It is true. The Lord is teaching me and helping me in ways no one else could. It truly feels like the chains that Satan was binding me with are breaking and his shackles are falling away. I can't believe how much energy I was losing because of worry and stress.

So I've been letting everyone else own their problems. And I've actually had some time to focus on owning my problems... And time to enjoy being with my children. And time to think about what to teach them. And time to exercise. And time to do a few of the things on my to do list that have been sitting there for months and months.

One other thing has happened to coincide with these changes. My husband and I have taken on the responsibility of teaching our children more about order and sharing the family's work and taking care of our own personal items. If I get it out, I put it back. If I didn't get it out...I don't put it back. (So not only am I letting others own their problems, I am letting them own their jobs/work/responsibilities). This has come partially because of the James Jones CDs and partially because of the wonderful Montessori School our daughter is attending.

Daddy decided that the kitchen is closed at 7 pm and then everyone helps clean up. No more eating (ie making messes) after that. So for a week now, every night after dinner, Mommy does dishes, Daddy puts food away, sweeps and wipes counters, and our daughter cleans off the table and helps. This very simple family activity has changed my life! What a blessing it is to wake up to a clean kitchen and have time to spend on other things! What a blessing it is after the kids are in bed not to have to go back to clean a dirty kitchen! What a blessing it is to hang out and be goofy together, singing while we work side by side.

Daddy also decided that we read scriptures, have family prayer, and do the bedtime routine and then it is over at 8:30 and we leave the bedroom. Period. We've been doing that since school started. This has also been a huge blessing.

I told my husband on about the third night of cleaning up together, “All this time, we just needed you to bring order to our home. Thank you.” Hmm. Maybe Daddy should make some more decisions.

It's amazing sometimes what simple solutions there are to problems that have plagued me for years. Sometimes it just takes someone else to point them out to me. What is equally amazing, but scary, is how stealthy Satan can be at gradually binding us down with the chains of worry, guilt, resentment, hate, judgment, disdain, and even a “woe-is-me” attitude about life. He shackles us down so gradually that we believe the weight of his chains is part of who we are and we don't even see them clearly. When the Lord opens the eyes of our understanding, and we do see them, we are surprised at what we find. I was. All along, I held the key that would unlock them. I only needed to discover and understand how to turn it.

Strive Not for the Mastery, Forgive Yourself

I had a very humbling experience this week. I said something I should not have. I have done that lots of times. I've thought things about people that I shouldn't have. I've judged others and never said so out loud, but made them feel judged with my little comments and little actions here and there. I've always known I wasn't perfect. I have always said that out loud and believed it myself. But today, a part of the facade that is my self broke down a little further. A little more of my pride gave way to a little more humility.

I have this subconscious but desperate need to control as much as I can. Whether it's my scheduled life, my work, my children, my friends, my family, or the circumstances I find myself in, I like to feel like I'm in control. As long as I'm busying myself controlling other people and things (which takes a lot of energy since I can't actually do it), I don't have enough energy left for adequately meeting my own needs. So I have plenty of excuses when I am less than in control of myself.

Of course, I have only recently discovered this. It's quite enlightening to see yourself through a psychologist's eyes.

Today, I saw a nasty truth about myself: I am actually a pretty disrespectful person. All my efforts to become more Christlike and I still will do and say things that are just flat out disrespectful, inconsiderate, and selfish. I'm not sure why, but it does not come naturally to me to just enter into an interaction with a person and be completely considerate of their feelings the whole time. Like the Anatomy of Peace book says, I see too many people too often as objects rather than as real people with real needs and real feelings, just like me. Oh, I'm very good at acting the part, and even doing so out of a genuine desire to help you and do the Christlike charitable thing, but I'm not sure that all of my respectful actions don't have to be just a little bit forced. Maybe it's easier to understand if I say it this way: I do respectful things because I know I'm supposed to, not necessarily always because I deeply respect the people I'm talking to. Now if that's not opening up a vein on my blog, then I don't know what is! Yikes! I only bear my ugly soul to you when I think there might be someone out there whom it can actually help. Anyone? Anyone out there? Moving on...

I have this sort of tunnel vision when I am on a task, that I do not have time to stop long enough for niceties, I just need to get something done and I will blow by you in the process if I have to. I wonder why my daughter does certain things and I realize it's because I model it for her. Sigh.

Something sort of amazing happened today, though. When I admitted this to myself and the Lord, I was asking his forgiveness, and all these things I've been learning lately from James Jones started coming to me. About how I am a perfectionist because I have been trying to prove to myself and the world that I am okay. That I am not broken. He says that people try to focus on fixing everyone else because it is too painful for them to try to work on fixing themselves, because that would mean working through the pain of the past, or the pain of admitting failure. He says I have to forgive myself and realize that I am an okay person, even though I make mistakes. I have to somehow be okay with myself, even happy with myself, after years and years of meticulous self-criticism.

So all this was coming to me and for the first time since I heard his advice, I had a real life opportunity to apply it to my current situation. I was disrespectful of someone when I should have been compassionate. I felt guilty, but I decided I did not want to dwell on this all day. We had planned a special afternoon as a family at a farm with a pumpkin patch and I was determined not to let anything ruin the experience. So I spent an hour or so this morning in prayer, study and reflection to make sure my heart was at peace before we left. It took that long, and even longer as I began to write out my feelings. As I repented in prayer, I asked the Lord to take this seed of disrespect – no, this well grown vibrant chokeweed – and cast it out of my soul. I wept. I remembered many times when I was disrespectful – to my mother, to my sister, to my niece, to my daughter, to my husband, to perfect strangers when I cut in front of them to reach something I needed, or to friends when I can't even wait until they finish speaking before I say my part. It's like I've been walking around in my own little egocentric world, like an emotional five year old, where everything else revolves around me and I am blind to the needs of others!

I asked Him to remove this tendency from me, to help me to turn this weakness into a strength. Then I turned to James 3.

“My brethren, be not many masters.” (The footnote says teachers.)

Ok, so I should not be trying to give advice to everyone else and tell them what they should do. I should not be trying to school everyone about how they ought to live or perform. Control them. Another footnote gives a more clear translation: “Strive not for the mastery.”

This brought a new thought to me, and though it may not be what James intended, it spoke volumes to my heart. It was as though the Lord was saying to me: Tiffany, stop trying to be perfect. You are not. That is why I am here for you to help you. Stop trying to do it all on your own and partake of the Atoning sacrifice of the Savior. He will help you turn this weakness to strength, but you cannot be perfect now. Just accept that and forgive yourself.”

So I did.

I wept, and then I really forgave myself.

You don't realize how huge this is. Normally, I would dwell on this the entire day and let it completely ruin my experiences for days to come. I would have been melodramatic, needy and selfish, so consumed by my own drama that I would not have noticed the needs of others or at least I would have begrudged having to meet them. What bondage I would have placed myself in!

But I forgave myself. Doing so was perhaps the most liberating thing I've done … ever.

I wasn't just forgiving myself for this one infraction. This was the beginning of forgiving myself for not measuring up my entire life. This was the beginning of letting go of my workaholic and codependent tendencies. I had more energy today than I've had in years!

I will continue to pray for the Lord to purify me. For, there are those who I truly desire to help, because I love them deeply. I want to help them, though my efforts may come across as controlling and judgmental. I'm trying to change that.

More help comes from the beloved James, the brother of Jesus, when he wrote: “Who is a wise man and endued with knowledge among you? Let him shew out of a good conversation his works with meekness of wisdom. … The wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy. And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace.” (James 3: 13, 17, 18).

May the Lord first make me pure, that I might be peaceable, full of mercy and good fruits, including the fruit of a deep respect for all people, “which are made after the similitude of God” (James 3:9).

Line of Defense

This post comes to you after many tears have been shed. I have never had any professional counseling before. I never thought I needed that. Don't get me wrong, I've always thought I needed fixing, but I sought help from books instead. I have read parenting book after parenting book, spiritual book after spiritual book, self-help book after self-help book.

I am a writer and I have read more self-help books in the past five years than I have read fiction in the past ten. Is something wrong here?

Yes, something is deeply, shatteringly, unmistakably wrong inside me. But because I am learning about it, I know the Lord will help me to fix it. I was exercising today for the first time in months (finally feeling the gusto to take care of myself before taking care of everything else again...I was slipping back into my old ways, even after that “Love Thyself” post). As I was bobbing up and down on the elliptical, I heard a line in a song say, “your only line of defense.” I felt this surge of determination, that I was my only line of defense for myself, and I pushed the pedals harder.

Then I saw the picture of the Savior on the wall. An image came to my mind of me, here alone in my little world, working and pushing as hard as I could through this life, while all around me Satan's demons were trying to tempt me to choose to think and do the wrong thing. In between myself and them, there was a white-robed circle of angels, arms folded, standing guard. In their midst, right in front of me, strongest of them all, was Jesus Christ. He stood facing Satan with the utmost assurance on his face. He was wearing his red tunic and his strong arms were folded, too. He stared down at Satan as if to say, “I'm helping her; I'm here for her, and there is nothing you can do about it, so get thee hence.” Thankfully, I am not my only line of defense. I have an Elder Brother whose got my back.

You see, I've been listening to a set of seminars that accompanies yet another parenting book, called “Let's Fix the Kids,” by James Jones. I've been learning what codependency is and what proper boundaries are. I've been learning that somehow I seem to think that it is my job to save everybody else and to please them and to do for them what they should be able to do for themselves. I've been carrying around so much guilt for years and years – guilt for other people's choices! Guilt that if I had only done this or that, I could have helped them, I could have prevented this, I could have made them happier. Those of you who know me or are in my family – please don't think I'm writing this to single out any one person in my life. This applies to a whole slew of people in my life! It's quite frightening.

I cannot articulate all of the principles I'm learning right now, but I will try to do another post in the future once I have listened to all the CDs and really learned the material better to try to explain some of what he teaches. For now, I'm going to go try to live my own life and be me. And forgive myself.

Just when I thought the Lord had taught me so much...he goes and teaches me more than I've learned in years.

Hypocrisy Destroys Faith

Last weekend, a General Conference of the members of my church was held. Speakers from around the world shared messages that were inspired of God. As I listened, I began to string together some themes that seemed to be running through almost every talk. Be in tune with the Holy Ghost to give you divine guidance and personal direction. Follow God's living prophet. Several speakers said that mankind is meant “to act and not be acted upon” and that “wickedness never was happiness.” Several mentioned Satan's cunning methods as he tries to gradually drag us down to hell, especially through the influence of various media. I felt the overarching themes throughout the conference, however, were faith and purity, as well as raising our children in righteousness. Perhaps those are simply the themes that stood out to me.

Mary N. Cook spoke of how our actions influence our children's faith. She talked about being a good example and quoted Brigham Young, who said, “We should never permit ourselves to do anything that we are not willing to see our children do. We should set them an example that we wish them to imitate.” This very simple principle hit home to me partly because I have been remaking my parenting style, almost completely overhauling it actually. I've been learning that personal purity is so important in parenting. What message are you sending when you tell a child to do something and then do the opposite yourself? It makes your command to them seem more restrictive, for one thing. But more than that, it destroys your credibility with them. Your words become hollow attempts to control their behavior, not loving admonitions to help them be happier and avoid heartache. You lose the confidence of your children.

Elder D. Todd Christofferson said, “The Savior’s sternest rebukes were to hypocrites. Hypocrisy is terribly destructive, not only to the hypocrite but also to those who observe or know of his or her conduct, especially children. It is faith destroying.” Hypocrisy in parents can destroy the faith of a child!

Outward hypocrisy is really a reflection of inward impurity. The messages that hypocrisy sends are complex. Outwardly, it may seem that I am arrogant, and because I am an adult, I think I can abide by a different set of standards because I am all grown up now and I can do what I want. I don't have my parents around restricting me anymore and I am free to do anything I please. My children, however, haven't earned that privilege by growing up yet. It sends the message that when they grow up, they can do whatever they want. But this could not be further from the truth! Consequences always follow choices, good or bad, for adults and children. If we don't teach our children that, then they grow up thinking they can skate around God's eternal consequences, or be rescued from them, and that is simply not true.

Perhaps a more hidden message of hypocrisy goes back to self-love. If we do not love and respect ourselves enough to follow the standards we've set for our children, the standards we say we believe in, then we portray a very low self-image and self-esteem to them. They see it! They feel it! They know our hearts are not at peace with ourselves. It leaves them confused, and too often feeling the same way about themselves.

Our challenge is to go forward with faith, repent of our own hypocrisy and renew our efforts to live the values that we preach to our children. But this faith is not something that resides quietly in our hearts as we go about our hectic lives giving barely a moment to our relationship with God. I was taught during General Conference that having faith is a choice. It is something that must be sought after and developed through prayer and scripture study. Faith can remove a mountain of doubt and despair. But it requires action! Even just establishing simple righteous patterns, as Elder Lawrence taught, of daily family prayer and scripture study, weekly Family Home Evening, daily family dinner and frequent one-on-one interviews, can make a world of difference in building faith in Jesus Christ. Ultimately, we must work to seek out and understand what the Lord would have us do – to help ourselves, to help others, and to teach our children. Then stop making excuses not to do what we feel He wants us to do.

If you'd like to read more of the inspired messages shared in General Conference, be sure to visit www.lds.org.

Paradigm Shift

Both of my children cried themselves to sleep last night. My daughter is five and she still has trouble – or resistance, rather, to going to bed. Oh, I know, all of us sappy hearts (including myself) are hearing the country song play in our heads “let them be little...” But this past week, I've realized some pretty huge things about parenting and how wrong I've been.
Hello. My name is Tiffany Campbell. And I give in. I also rescue, reward arguing and criticize. Since this is confession time, I'll say here that my daughter had her pacifier until she was two and a half. Is that even legal?

So I was sitting in church as they were passing around the bread and I watched my daughter defy me again and again. I told her to sit down several times and she just didn't. She still tests my word. She has always tested and pushed and tried to bend the rules as far as possible just to see how far she could bend them before they would break. “She's such a strong spirit,” I told myself. And she is. She has to be.

All this is due to some family drama last week during which I was called out on my attempts to give my children whatever they want. I went begging for advice of some wise people and was given the book entitled, “Let's Fix the Kids” by James J. Jones. I've been listening to some of his seminars on CD. (I almost typed on tape – yes I'm old enough to remember something that the rising generation thinks is ancient!)

Anyway, his first three rules are Never Lie, Never Argue and Never Criticize. According to him, lying is when you tell the kid she has to finish her dinner to get dessert and after her resistance, you say, well, just take two bites of everything and then you can have dessert. It destroys your credibility with the child. Counting doesn't really work either. I've taught my daughter that she does not have to listen to me unless I count to five. All that teaches is that she can get away with it for four more seconds longer than she should.

When school started, we told her we would leave her room at 8:30 so she could get to sleep on school nights. She doesn't resist every night, but we have been consistent and she doesn't like it much. Oh, we still tickle and laugh and read books and snuggle, but we have to leave at 8:30.
This past week, I finally worked up the courage, thanks to Mr. Jones, to allow the baby to fuss in the middle of the night instead of picking him up every time he wakes up. Finally, after all this time and trouble and sleep-deprivation, I got up, gave him the pacifier, made sure he had a dry diaper and left the room. And what did he do? He cried, he struggled, he got mad and fussed. For fifteen minutes, not even very loudly. Then he went to sleep. The next night, he slept for seven hours straight! And then he did it again the next night. For those of you who don't know or may not remember what it's like to go for months without uninterrupted sleep, let me tell you how glorious and grateful I felt when I woke up after six straight hours of sleep. Just take a really deep breath, feel yourself relax and let go of tension – then magnify that feeling by about a thousand and add a really big smile.

He had a hard time last night because he was woken up from his carseat slumber when we got home, so it was a little harder for him to fall asleep, but he did it just fine. I finished packing lunches for tomorrow and sat on the stairs listening to my daughter fake-cry. I needed to listen. I needed to hear it to remind myself that this is what I have done to her. I have led her to believe that she should always be rescued by mommy before she has to deal with any of her problems. She came into this world not quite sure what to expect. She's taken her cues from me and Daddy. That's it for the most part. We're it.

It was a huge eye-opener learning that children actually have to struggle in order to learn how to cope with life. If we do everything for them or step in every time, we're actually crippling them. If we set a rule and don't enforce it, then we are distorting their view of things as they really are. We teach them to negotiate their way out of consequences (ie ARGUE). Then what do we do? We lament because of all this arguing going on. Don't even get me started on the criticizing and perfectionism...

I bring all these things I've been learning to my blog because of this: The way our children view and respond to us is the way they will view and respond to God.

I watched my daughter resist tonight and I thought of my relationship with Heavenly Father and His Son. How different is it, really? When He gives us His commandments and we have to change some fundamental habit or belief that is so ingrained in our souls in order to become more like Him. There are some commandments that I've been just like an ungrateful, arguing brat about. Each time I'm prompted to make a better choice, I've said, “No!” like a child and done it anyway. Whether I'm saying no to my conscience or the Spirit or God, whatever it is, I have this tendency to want to assert my will over His. To say, “I know how to do it all by myself. I don't need your help. I don't have to. Don't tell me what to do.” Not out loud, of course, but somewhere in me, it's there when I'm ignoring a commandment, or rationalizing my disobedience to it. “I don't have time to pray! Besides...”

Heavenly Father is an unchanging God. What are we teaching if we set a rule and then ten minutes later (or five days), change the rule? With no explanation and no reason other than to make following it easier! Whew! Thank goodness I'm learning about this now. Lots of paradigm shifts going on this past month or so for me. Anyone have any thoughts?

Perception is Reality

This morning, my daughter was hard at work in the next room until she finally brought me the finished product of her efforts: a birthday card for her mommy. It was quite elaborate, with colorful felt squares, stickers, and even a ribbon tied around it to close up the card. I was touched. What a sweet daughter I have! Later in the day, I went into the living room and discovered the remains of her card making adventure. The contents of my sewing box were strewn all over the couch and I realized that her “ribbon” was actually sewing tape. Now, normally, when I walk up on a mess like this, I would have called for her to come clean it up and firmly reminded her that she should not leave messes laying around the house, probably with a little too much disapproval in my tone. But today, because I correctly perceived her intentions as she was making this mess, I lovingly cleaned it up for her, happy to be reminded of her kindness. Someone once told me that perception is reality – at least for the person living with it.

I've heard women talk about the first six months after having a new baby as sort of a foggy period from which they finally emerge. My son is 7 months old now and I think I am finally re-entering reality as I knew it about a year ago. Some of you may remember my optimistic post on turning 30 and how I had progressed a lot during my twenties and felt that turning thirty was starting a new chapter in my life – one that would be better. Well, the Lord had a few more things to teach me this year. It has been a difficult one. The intense emotion and physical drain brought on by having a new baby left me spent and in great need of the Lord's help.

Looking back, I remember a journal entry made just before Valentine's Day this year in which I stated that I wanted to be the kind of person who acts Christlike even when I am under a lot of pressure and stress. After I said that, life dealt out blow after blow of pressure and stress this year. I kept wondering, why is this such a hard year? I know I had the baby, but all this? This is over and above anything I had prepared myself for. Things have happened. Words have been exchanged. Hearts have hardened. Relationships have changed. My heart has sorrowed. It hasn't been all bad, of course, but this past month especially I have been caught in a dark cloud of guilt and frustration mixed with confusion about my role in life and my family.
Then this morning I started reading some old letters and journal entries I had written. And I realized...

I forgot who I am.

You could say I backpedaled, had some setbacks, got off track. However you sugarcoat it, the truth is that I was being deceived – by the greatest Deceiver of all. His name is Satan and he wants us all to be miserable. He tries to lead us, gently and carefully and ever so gradually down to hell.

But yet again the Lord has used my trials to teach me. He has “consecrated all my afflictions to work together for my good.” As I read those old letters, I started remembering things I had done that I wasn't giving myself credit for. I was harboring all this guilt for not trying harder when in fact, I did try my best. It's like when everything's blurry at the eye doctor's until the right lens clicks into place in front of your eye and suddenly you can see crystal clear. Something clicked into place today and I remembered who I was. Guilt was released. Peace came to me. I felt in tune with the Lord again. I am me again.

I looked at my negativity over the past month and asked myself: What was I doing? I honestly don't know. Except that I was listening to Satan. I am amazed at how subtly he twists ideas and words into prideful suggestions of how to react and think. He slowly and gradually lured me into certain perceptions that simply weren't true. About my family. About people. About myself. I was more angry, more overwhelmed, more resentful and worried, much less productive.
My perception was my reality. I experienced this firsthand this summer. I am pleasantly surprised to remember that things are not so bad after all. I am actually a really good person. I do have pretty good relationships. My family has succeeded at many of our goals. We can truly have the Spirit in our home. I can speak kindly to my daughter all day long.

Some of the biggest misconceptions come when I perceive other people's intentions incorrectly. And when I feel responsible for other people's choices.

Jacob 4:13 says, “The Spirit speaketh of things as they really are.” I was reading those old journals – why? Because while I was praying and studying scriptures in the morning, I felt the need to read them. During all this time that Satan has been luring me away from the truth – guess what I haven't been doing? Studying my scriptures. Guess what I started doing consistently this past month? Studying my scriptures! Praying! I have been asking all year long for the Lord's help. But I wasn't always humbling myself enough to receive it! The talk I gave at church last month was only a turning point (see two posts ago). When I started studying the scriptures and seeking for answers, two things happened. I began to perceive things correctly again. At the same time, Satan also redoubled his efforts.

My friend, Minerva, recently had an article published in a church magazine. In it, she said that God “waits for us to have the faith and strength to come unto Him.” When I read that wonderful insight, I thought, why does it take strength to come unto Him? Now I realize that it takes strength to pull away from Satan's influence. It takes strength, not weakness, to get down on your knees every single day to pray for help. It takes strength to tune out the shouting accusations from Satan and listen to the still, small voice of the Spirit instead. It takes strength to become the people that the Lord would have us be. To climb the mountain and hold our place, to not slide back down. To find the Savior and then keep him close to our hearts.

Protecting Our Children

I wanted to have some fun with my daughter in our pool one last time before we close it this year. I grabbed the inner-tube around her waist and starting pulling her in a circle around me in the water. She shrieked with laughter and her eyes sparkled. As I whirled her around again and again, I kept a close eye on the edge of the pool beside us. If I got too close to it in my turning, I could have cracked her head on the hard concrete. Joy swelled in my heart as I felt how much I love her and want her to do well in life. As I laughed with her, a thought crystallized.

It comes naturally to me as her mother to want to protect her from physical harm. I would never dream of intentionally hurting her physically. As many of you, I would even risk my life to protect hers. As soon as she looks at the stove, I warn her that it's hot. Before she hops on the jumping ball in front of the stairs, I tell her of the danger.

But do I give the same careful attention to the need to protect my daughter spiritually? Morally? When my daughter sees me cooking, she wants to help. She wants to do what I do. Deeper than that, it just comes naturally to her to imitate what I do. Even if it is something she's been taught is wrong. Children are innocent. They are not accountable for their choices until age eight. In my faith, that is when they are baptized. I have to keep reminding myself of that when my daughter cops an attitude with me. When I stop to think about it, the first time she talked back to me was long before preschool, so I could not blame friend influence for that one. Nope, I had to admit it: She was speaking to me in an exact replica of the tone I used with her when she was doing something I did not approve of. Wow.

Having a family is part of Heavenly Father's plan for us on the earth. No wonder! Being responsible for a child, or just within a child's circle of influence, as a teacher, aunt, or babysitter, is a humbling experience. There is no more effective method for pointing out one's own hypocrisies than with a child who imitates your every action, or who calls you out on your inconsistencies.

Of course, some lessons they have to learn on their own. Sometimes children heed our warnings and avoid touching the hot stove for fear of getting burned. But usually, they have to gain some concept of what “burned” means before they will heed.

A parenting book I read said that consistency is the single most important element of parenting. Mixed messages from parents are some of the most detrimental spiritual and moral messages we can send. If we say one thing and do another, it is just as bad as saying “I'll protect you,” and then cracking their head into the edge of the swimming pool (which thankfully I did not do yesterday). When they are a crying mess afterward, (after the immoral choice they made, for example), what do we say? Oops. I didn't mean to. I'm sorry. It's not my fault. I tried to avoid this pain for you. I tried to tell you. I told you so.

But telling is not enough.

We have to show our children that we can live by the same morals and values we require of them. Or else they get some mixed message that it is impossible to live a morally clean, righteous life. It's impossible to treat others with respect during conflict, etc. Of course, we can't be perfect. And when we make a mistake, as parents, we have to own up to it in front of our children. What good does it do if our children watch their mom and dad have a fight, but never see them apologize and make up with each other? None. You just taught them how to fight. What good does it do for us to tell our children anything, really, if we are doing the opposite?

My intent is not to stir up extra loads of mother-guilt, here, for I know we all have more than enough of that to go around. Children have to be allowed to make their own choices as they grow. Today, we went to the park and I watched my daughter ride away from me on her bike (with training wheels). She was cautious, but she was faster than me and I could not always be right beside her. When I watched her come up on what could be a dangerous situation, I was nervous for her. I thought, “come on, you can do it. Don't fall. Steer yourself right.” I couldn't do it for her. I couldn't catch her. I couldn't shout instructions from twenty feet away. I had to rely on her self-direction.

I don't have time to go back and make sure my blog post makes flowing sense. I hope it does to you. I'll just end with these quotes, which say it better than I can.

President Harold B. Lee said the most important work you do will be within the walls of your own home.

Elder Russell M. Ballard said, “Love your mother.... Respect her. Listen to her. Trust her. She has your best interests at heart. She cares about your eternal safety and happiness. So be kind to her. Be patient with her imperfections, for she has them. We all do. Now may I share a few thoughts with you mothers about the special role you play in your daughters’ lives. We have a family friend who travels often with members of her extended family. Her primary observation after each trip is how much the young women behave like their mothers. If the mothers are thrifty, so are their daughters. If the mothers are modest, so are the girls... Mothers, your example is extremely important to your daughters—even if they don’t acknowledge it.

“Throughout the history of the world, women have always been teachers of moral values. That instruction begins in the cradle and continues throughout the lives of their children. Today our society is bombarded with messages about womanhood and motherhood that are dangerously and wickedly wrong. Following these messages can put your daughters on the path to sin and self-destruction. Your daughters may not understand that unless you tell them or, better, unless you show them how to make good choices. As mothers in Israel, you are your daughters’ first line of defense against the wiles of the world.”

As Thyself

This post is by far my longest post but there is a reason. This is the text of a talk I gave at church this past Sunday. A couple of people asked for a copy and I thought I would share it with my readers here. I hope it is food for thought for you and helps you on your journey!

Today my topic is Perseverance. I was given the talk by President Uchtdorf entitled “Your Happily Ever After,” from this past General Conference (published in the May Ensign Magazine). In it, he talks about our favorite fairy tale heroes and heroines and says, “Sandwiched between their “once upon a time” and “Happily ever after,” they all had to experience great adversity.” He told the Young Women that they are beloved daughters of God. This is true, not something made up in a fairy tale. Over and over throughout the article, he keeps reemphasizing how beloved we are of Heavenly Father and how much he wants to bless us with our own happily ever after. It's almost as though he is trying to convince us of it.
How many of us truly think of ourselves as quote, “royal spirit daughters [and sons] of Almighty God?”

When I first got my topic of perseverance, I thought the Lord had a really great sense of humor. But in reality, he was gently chastising me and teaching me some incredible principles I needed desperately to learn. This year, I've been pushing myself to keep up with my goals and failing miserably. I thought I was persevering through it. “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming,” as Dori says, right? But now my perspective has changed and I hope I can inspire you with some of the things I realized while studying perseverance.

President Uchtdorf said, “How you react to adversity and temptation is a critical factor in whether or not you arrive at your own 'happily ever after.'” Will you give up? Or will you persevere?

We hear this a lot at church, the counsel to persevere. For some, it actually increases the pressure they feel on their shoulders and makes them lean more toward giving up because they are overwhelmed with all they have to do. So what is at the root of that feeling of wanting to give up? Not knowing what to do next? You've tried everything, you're at the end of your rope. Maybe you've had bursts of perseverance, when you gave it all you had, but somehow you ended up feeling discouraged once again. Sometimes I'll have such a great day – I'll pray and study the scriptures and spend time with my family and accomplish something and I'll write about it, even, because it was so good. And I'll think Yeah, man, I finally figured things out. But then why don't I do it again the next day? Why is it that I can't seem to sustain a long-term, consistent, daily effort at happiness? Sure, life happens and you can't predict or plan everything, but you can pray and study every day. Right? You can try to have positive thoughts every day right? You can treat your family with respect and kindness every day right? Seems like I should be able to, but what stops me? What is it that causes me to give in to anger or give up on reading the scriptures and seeking revelation?

As I pondered this question, the scripture came to my mind, “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” I looked up the complete passage in Matthew 22:36-39 and found this counsel from the Savior: “love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.”

When we hear this scripture, we often are taught about who our neighbor is and how we should serve others and that is a very essential part of living the gospel. Life is put into perspective as we focus on and serve others. But a new aspect of this scripture came to light as I read it this time: those two little words at the end: As Thyself. I think President Uchtdorf sensed the need for this principle as he was trying to convince us of how much we are loved.

Love thy neighbor as thyself implies a balance: Love of self and love of others has to be in balance.

President Uchtdorf said, “Please embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ! Learn to love your Heavenly Father with all your heart, might and mind,” (1st commandment) “Fill your souls with virtue and love goodness. Always strive to bring out the best in yourself and others.” (yourself and others - 2nd commandment.)

How do we bring out the best in ourselves? In others?

We all try to find our own happily ever after, Pres. Uchtdorf says, “and the truth is, “God knows how to get there. He has created a map for you... Trust Him enough to follow His plan. [of course], not all will follow the map. They may look at it. They may think it is reasonable, perhaps even true. But they do not follow the divine directions. Many believe that any road will take them to a happily ever after. Some may even become angry when others who know the way try to help and tell them… At times, some may wonder why they attend Church meetings or why it is so important to read the scriptures regularly or pray to our Heavenly Father daily. Here is my answer: You do these things because they are part of God's path for you.”

God's commandments are given to us for our own happiness. And they are often the things that get shoved to the bottom of our priority list. Prayer, study, word of wisdom, temple attendance. Why is that?

I go back to my original question: How many of us truly think of ourselves as royal sons and daughters of God, as worthy and important? I've always known that praying and studying scriptures daily, and going to the temple were commandments that would bless me. I've always known that my body is a temple of God and I should take care of it according to the Lord's law of health. But I never realized that I should be doing those things, not only out of obedience to and love for the Lord, but out of love and respect for myself. Even those commandments that are given to bless me - like exercising, praying, eating well, studying the scriptures – I was doing them more out of a feeling of duty to God and my family … so I wasn't allowing those activities to foster the feelings of love for myself that I should feel. It was more of a check mark on a to do list than it was an act of love for myself.

So as we look at this scripture, “Love thy neighbor as thyself,” we see that we should love others, but not necessarily more than ourselves. Now I have to be careful here and I pray that no one will take this message in the wrong spirit. I don't want to imply anything that would lead you to believe you only need to look out for yourself in a prideful way and serve others only when it's convenient for you. That's not what I'm trying to say. Service does require sacrifice.
But too often in my life, I find myself so concerned with and overwhelmed by serving my family and others that I neglect obedience to those commandments that are given for my own personal well-being. When this principle is out of balance in my life, I allow doing things for others to completely crowd out things like scripture study and personal prayer. The parable of the Ten Virgins encourages us to build up and keep a store of spiritual oil. If we are neglecting ourselves, then we are not keeping our lamps filled.

When we are keeping ourselves so busy that we leave no time for our own physical and spiritual renewal, we are easily susceptible to resentment and anger, to feelings of injustice. When I love myself as much as I love my neighbor, I am set free from a lot of emotional bondage that I otherwise place myself in. I have the Holy ghost to guide me and ultimately, I am happier and better able to serve others with a cheerful heart and no negative feelings.

I'm always amazed when people seem to have a resentful feeling toward Heavenly Father for putting so many commandments on their already long to do list. Because He doesn't give us these commandments to take up all our time, to oppress us and restrict us, just to see if we will obey. We should not resent him for giving us all these time-consuming commandments. On the contrary, these are his most loving commandments. He says, please, study and pray so my Spirit can be with you always and help you along your way. Please, obey the word of wisdom and keep your body healthy so you won't have to suffer as much. Please, don't try to run faster than you are able, for this is not what I require of you. Recognize your own limits; know how fast you can run (or rather how slow you need to jog) before your oil starts running out in that lamp you're supposed to keep burning. He says, Please, love yourself, value yourself enough to get to the temple so that I can talk with you.

President Gordon B. Hinckley is often quoted as saying, “Lose yourself, and go to work.” But he didn't say, “Lose your health and go to work.” He didn't say “Lose your spiritual oil and go to work.” He didn't say, “Lose your mind or sacrifice all of your family's wholesome recreational activities, and go to work.” No! Part of the “work” IS stopping whatever you are doing to walk across the house so you can listen to your daughter snap her fingers for the very first time. Jesus said, “A little child shall lead them.” When I see the light in my daughter's eyes when she's excited about something she's learned, I want to follow her example. I want to have that light in my eyes! What's amazing about when you start to do these things because you love yourself, you actually become less selfish!

We are only effective instruments in the hands of our Heavenly Father inasmuch as we keep ourselves sharpened and well-tuned. He cannot pierce the heart of another with a blunt arrow. He cannot help others see truth with someone who does not study it and know it for themselves. He cannot play beautiful music with our lives if we are not keeping ourselves in tune. He cannot lead others with someone who is incapable of governing his own conduct. D&C 11:21 says, “Seek not to declare my word, but first seek to obtain my word, and then shall your tongue be loosed.”

President Uchtdorf said, “Though it may seem that you are alone, angels attend you. Though you may feel that no one can understand the depth of your despair, our Savior, Jesus Christ, understands. … If you ever feel your burden is too great to bear, lift your heart to your Heavenly Father, and He will uphold and bless you.” He said, “to those who walk in the ways of the Lord - our Father in Heaven has promised that you will “mount up with wings as eagles; you shall run, and not be weary; and you shall walk and not faint. You shall not be deceived.” God will bless and prosper you. “The gates of hell shall not prevail against you; and the Lord God will disperse the powers of darkness from before you, and cause the heavens to shake for your good, and his names glory.”

So as you go forward in your life, I challenge you to learn to love yourself as much as you love others.

So when you wake up late and rush through family prayer and getting out the door, don't give up. You can still pray and seek the Spirit. When your to do list is a mile long and you've only got twenty minutes, don't give up. Do what the Spirit prompts you to do that is most needful. When all you want to do is fall asleep, don't give up. When the dishes aren't done and your daughter is calling, “Come, watch what I can do!” Don't give up.

Persevere. But persevere in the right things. Do it because you love your Heavenly Father and your Savior, Jesus Christ and you want to be close to them. Do it for your family and neighbor. But also, don't forget to do it out of love for yourself because you are worth it. You are a royal son or daughter of God. You are worth the time and effort it takes to pray, study the scriptures, obtain the Spirit, keep your mind and body healthy and to attend the temple. And when we keep ourselves strong, we can be strong for others and be a useful instrument in our Heavenly Father's hands.

I bear you this my testimony that the Lord Jesus Christ lives and he loves you and he wants you to be happy!

Through Another's Eyes

Several things came together in my mind tonight as I continued my reading of “The Anatomy of Peace” by the Arbinger Institute. I have been struggling with feeling connected to my almost-five-year-old daughter for some time now. My having a baby hasn't exactly fostered closeness between us. I thought this summer would allow us to reconnect since she would be home from school. But I became more concerned with my own to do list than with her and I've been anxious as time is flying by faster than it ever has before and there is very little time for me to dedicate to my personal goals. (Yes, sometimes I am really selfish!) Needless to say, I have not had much peace in my heart. So when a friend mentioned she was reading this book, I quickly requested it from the library.

I am only a little ways into it, but it talks about how there are two ways to do any behavior. You can do it with your heart at peace or at war. You can do things while seeing others as people with real hopes, needs, cares and fears or you can do things while seeing others as objects, obstacles, vehicles or irrelevancies. The book explains that many times we choose a course of action that ultimately will harm our own position, such as “stoking the fires of resentment in a spouse or anger in a child.” I read that and thought, 'Yes, I think my daughter has some anger towards me on some level.' Several interactions flashed through my mind. Obstacle: “I can't do that right now, I have to clean the kitchen.” “Let me do it.” Vehicle: “Do you know where brother's paci is?” “Go look at the microwave and tell me what time it is.” Irrelevancy: “What did you do that for?” “We don't have time for that.” “We can't do it that way.”

My daughter feels like an object to me. At least she does sometimes. My heart is not at peace toward her.

As this thought crystallized, I recalled some of my dad's advice that has stayed with me from a very young age. “One of the most important things you will ever learn in your entire life,” he said, “is how to see things through another person's eyes.”

This has come back to me frequently in the past couple of months. Now I see that God was trying to tell me something. I guess I have to read a whole book to figure it out sometimes. I thought about my daughter and the conflicts we regularly have. I get frustrated with her moving her 18 pound baby brother around because it makes him fussy and uncomfortable to be manhandled – or, rather, little-girl handled – like that. She doesn't really hurt him (usually), but I'm afraid she will. So I fuss at her for it. But really, she's just trying to sit him back up when he falls over. She's just trying to comfort him when he's a little fussy. And who should have taught her how to do it properly?

Me.

Another point the book makes is that if we spend the majority of our time helping things go right, we will be successful when we have to deal with things that are going wrong. Sigh. Me again. Did I have to turn 30 to start learning the lessons my parents tried to teach me? Will my daughter have to turn 30 before she starts learning what I'm trying to teach her? I really hope not!

Define Yourself

Someone at church today asked us to think back to our childhood to a time when we dreamed of the future and what we would be when we grew up. Then she asked if all that had transpired in our lives matched up to those dreams. Did we plan on trials? Are we where we thought we'd be at our age? As I thought this over, joy swelled in my heart as I realized that I do already have or am working toward everything I dreamed of then, at least within my own little family. There are other dreams that have yet to be realized, but I have faith in the Lord that in His own good time, those will come into being as well.

The speaker went on to say that when we look back over our lives as a whole, there are moments that define who we really are. I thought back over the past six months and realized that my husband and I have probably faced more trials in this six month period than we have in the past few years. I looked over at my husband and thought of how much closer we had become through these trials. We are much more unified, much more concerned for one another, and though I never thought it possible, much more in love. Our trials have forced us into moments that define who we really are.

I have had cause this year to see many broken relationships all around me. I look at my amazing marriage and my beautiful children and my friendships. I see that I still have a relationship with my parents although I am all grown up now. I wonder why I am so blessed, so incredibly blessed to have all this around me. And when the tears in my eyes are wiped away and I can see clearly, one bold emblazoned truth shines before me. It takes the form of our Savior, Jesus Christ, and his awesome guiding force in my life.

The topic of the speaker's talk today was “Come Unto Christ.” The times in my life when I have tried my hardest to come unto the Savior are the times when my relationships have been strengthened and preserved. If I have turned away from him in any degree, then those relationships suffer.  

Throughout my life, I have evaluated myself frequently for how I could improve this way or that way. Do more, be better, etc. This weekend as I had several moments to reflect on the people my husband and I have become, I felt a surge of confidence overwhelm me. Not so much a feeling of pride as it was a simple assurance that my Heavenly Father is pleased with me and I can be happy to be who I am. Not long after, another feeling followed on its heels: a feeling of humble gratitude for my life.  

Had He not guided me to the family I was born into, to the man I love, to the Church I belong to, I would be lost. Lost and looking for peace, yet I would not know where to find it. I am incredibly grateful because he did bring me to parents who would do their best to shape me into a woman with a testimony of Christ and his teachings. He did bring me to a husband who is man enough to lead me and cherish me, to the Church that taught me how to hear my Heavenly Father's will through that still small voice that is His Holy Spirit and taught me how to grow closer to His Son, Jesus Christ. It is that relationship that strengthens all the others.

I know, (and I am forever grateful to Him for this knowledge), that I am a daughter of God. I know He has a plan for my life. I know He gave each of us talents and dreams that we might lift up those around us and strengthen our relationships. I know that each soul is of great worth in His sight. I know that He needs us to stand up for what is right, even when taking a stand is more frightening than all we have experienced and we risk losing that which is dear to us. He who is the Father of the human race has confidence in His children. Is there a dream He has planted in your heart that remains unrealized? Is there a talent that remains unused? Pray for help, and stand up and act in faith. Create a moment that will define who you really are. Then watch as the masterpiece of your life unfolds before you, beautiful and glorious as only the Master can paint it.

Notice the Joy

Today has been a hectic day. We were supposed to be at camping tonight, but we stayed home because we were so far behind on packing and also the weather was calling for thunderstorms tonight. We decided to go up early tomorrow morning to save us some hassle of setting up in the rain with a baby. So we are still home. So we took even longer to pack. But I was able to take breaks from it and remember to play with my children instead of ignoring them all morning so I could rush around.
I was in the midst of some late afternoon packing when my daughter brought me a tiny flower from outside. She said she wanted to pick the lilies, but there weren't enough yet. “Wanna come see 'em, Mom?” Yes, as a matter of fact, I did want to come see them. I don't know why, but white lilies are my favorite flower. I went outside to see them and was drawn into joyful thoughts about my children. How they are only young once and I had better enjoy them. How this time next year, I won't have a baby any more.
It was hard to find the joy in today, running around trying to get everything ready. I was packing ear plugs when I noticed the light from behind our blinds seemed to glow prettily, so I peeked through them and saw an amazing blue sky in the distance with a setting set already sunken beneath the horizon I could see. It was so beautiful and fresh that I walked out onto the back deck to watch it. I was singing to my sleepy baby anyway. Most of the sky was a dark cloud, but when I saw that blue in the distance, I thought of how refreshing it feels to jump into the cool blue water of a swimming pool on a hot day. I watched for a while as the clouds changed and pink became an accent color in the sky. At one point, I turned to look in the opposite direction, expecting to see more ugly gray clouds, but I was surprised to find the beginning of the night sky just as beautiful with its shadowy blue clouds and a hint of stars to come.
There are moments like these that pepper my life. Moments when I catch the setting sun and feel thankful. It made me happy to know that all this work is going to result in being surrounded by the beautiful earth the Lord made for us. It made me happy to know that I didn't have to leave home to see such beauty.
What I've never noticed before is how the most beautiful part of the day is at the meeting of its opposite. Joy never feels so good as when it follows pain.
Sunday I experienced some of the most intense joy I've felt in months...the relief of a four month old sleeping for twelve hours and waking only once to eat. After a painful last week of teething and waking, I was so happy to see him finally get past it. I was gleeful that morning as I attended church with my family. I thought of how Heavenly Father must feel when he sees one of us progress and move beyond something we have struggled with for some time. He feels that exquisite, euphoric love-filled joy when he sees us do something that makes him proud.
When I have those sunset moments, it is almost without exception after something I have done that I know is pleasing to my Heavenly Father. It's almost like a message that he's giving me, saying that He's glad. Like he painted the sky just for me. So, thank you, Heavenly Father, for the beauty of this earth, and for being happy for me. Today, I think his message was just a reminder to enjoy what I have.

If Mommy's Happy...

What a fiasco this afternoon was! But thanks to a good night's sleep, a morning of prayer and scripture study, plus writing, a workout on the elliptical, and some cartwheels with my daughter, (I didn't know I could still do them! It was fun!), I made it through a crying, screaming, smiling baby with a rash and runny nose, making sugar cookies (the roll and cut out kind) for my daughter's preschool class, making lasagna for dinner (one fuss-food-lactose-free pan for me and one regular version for my husband), holding a very ambitious Family Home Evening lesson during which we scrubbed the (nasty, disgusting) bath tub and shower and related it to the principle of repentance and change, how we feel dirty when we make wrong choices and clean and spotless when we repent and do what is right.

It was about to fall apart when the baby was screaming during the tub scrub and I made the executive decision to stop scrubbing and discuss the scripture that went with our lesson, (while I nursed a quieter baby), have our treats and get on with bed time. As we tried to finish the lesson, my daughter was her usual self, anxiously awaiting the treat while Mommy droned on about something she didn't understand. Daddy saved the night with a suggestion to vary my voice. So the rest of the discussion was given by all in various Sesame Street voices, to which my daughter listened intently and we all laughed a lot, but learned something. The house shows the path of the tornado that hit it this afternoon. But in my heart there is peace.

Our lesson was about changing our family from an old family who speaks unkindly at times and is too frequently disrespectful and untidy into a new family who tries to speak in more of a Christ-like manner and tone, being careful not to hurt one another, but to help and teach. We talked about how we should be like the people in the scriptures who “could not look upon sin save it were with abhorrence.” (I could not look upon our bathtub save it was with abhorrence). We talked about making wrong choices, repenting, and making right choices.

In the end, it was Mommy who stayed up late finishing the cookie decorating and scrubbing of the tub (and tile and grout...). My poor husband put in some elbow grease during the group effort, but collapsed again after it was over and thanked me for my efforts and work. (He's been sick for a few days now.) Anyway, as I worked, I sang hymns and hummed songs, including the new Primary song, “My Eternal Family,” which we sang during family night. It occurred to me that my doing a large portion of the work to make the tub “pure and spotless” was very appropriate in relation to the lesson I had given.

Change in the family is, of course, so very important for each member to participate in. But I am the Mother. If I want my family to change in the way they speak to one another, if I want them to be more kind, then I must, in a way, do more work to change myself and the way I speak and act. If the Mother changes her tone and speaks more Christlike, if the Mother is more kind and tenderhearted, understanding and long-suffering, if the Mother looks for moments to teach the children about the Savior, then the whole family cannot help but follow along. So goes the old saying, “If Mom's not happy, no one is.” On the flip side, “If Mom is happy, (or kind, considerate, loving, etc), there's a pretty good chance everyone else is, too.”

Setbacks

I suppose I haven't posted in a while because my life has been such a roller coaster of events and emotions. I'd rather just sail along smooth waters, if you know what I mean. But if my life were nothing but smooth sailing, I would remain all that I am and never become who I am meant to be.

I like to improve and progress. I'm proud of myself when I have a victory over some old habit or negative thinking. Life is good on those days. What baffles me is when I have my goals set and I am steadily working toward them and then there is a setback. Obviously, I know setbacks happen and come many times from outside sources – a crying baby, a defiant daughter, unexpected responsibilities. However, the baffling ones are the ones that I cause myself. Nothing other than my very own weakness or lack of self-control causes these. And I wonder, now why did I do that when it was so very against my goals?

I'm not really even sure what the answer is. Emotions usually are the trigger. But perhaps the main culprit is simply distraction. I have goals and standards I want to live up to, but if they are not constantly in front of me, then sometimes I just flat out forget or ignore them. They get “back-burnered” in my mind. Or, perhaps I lose faith in myself that I can achieve them and part of me gives up under pressure.

I do know that when I get off track, the one thing that is guaranteed to help me get back on is prayer. Why is prayer the answer to so many of my blog posts? I guess I talk about prayer a lot. Hmm. Maybe it's because it works! Sincere prayer has such a centering effect. The Lord brings out the sorrow I feel for my mistakes and replaces it with forgiveness and hope. When even I lose confidence, I know that the Lord will always believe in me. Thank goodness!

Unwritten Stories

Today was a challenging day for me. I am ashamed to say that I gave in and wallowed in self-pity for the afternoon. I learned this morning that if you want to show your new baby to your hairdresser, you take a picture, not the baby, to your appointment. I also learned that when said baby finally falls asleep in the car, you go home instead of trying to visit the great-gramma. After that I learned that when your daughter cries while watching Ratatouille because she's afraid the mouse will die, you turn the movie off instead of asking her if she wants to keep watching it anyway.

I actually thought I was going to recover emotionally from the salon fiasco when I pulled up to pick up my daughter from preschool. An image came to my mind of a woman I recently met who has a five-month-old daughter with a very rare syndrome and requires a feeding tube to eat, among other complications. I thought that she would much rather trade challenges with me. Then I thought of the young woman I know who just lost her husband and is pregnant with their second child. At least I have a husband who will come home tonight and comfort me about what happened.

But a few more challenges pushed me to the edge and I just gave up on the day. I snuggled on the couch with my children and watched part of the movie, which we later changed to Maisy. Then I made Rice Krispie Treats and continued to wallow.

Where did I go wrong? I had a choice to make. I almost made the right one. I almost started to see my plight in a proper perspective. I almost was able to laugh at it. But I didn't quite get there. I didn't pray enough or have enough faith or something. I slid backward just as I was about to pull myself up over the cliff. Then my husband took my daughter to gramma's house and my son fell asleep. I cleaned up a little and then started writing it out. I glanced at facebook and was reminded of a dear friend who has gone through some really serious trials. Trials that mine pale in comparison to. Her life reminded me again of the earlier thoughts I had about people who are experiencing such greater trials than me.

Sure, I am having a bit of a hard time. (In case you can't tell from my last few posts).

But I would be a fool not to fall on my knees in gratitude and thanksgiving every single day for the trials that have not come my way. There is a Hilary Weeks song which I will quote here.

“More than all the chapters of my life,
I'm thankful for what's not in black and white.
For the roads I never traveled,
For the pain I never knew,
For the places that you kept me from,
Father, I thank you.
For the days that were not wasted,
For the years not spent in vain,
I'm grateful for the stories that remain
Unwritten.”

The Lord had to point it out to me in several ways, but as the day ends, I am thankful for what I have. And what I don't.

Idling

Today had the potential to be a very bad day. But it wasn't. Must have been divine intervention that I managed to keep my joy throughout a one hour wait at an appointment, picking up my daughter who was the last lonely preschooler waiting on her mom, rushing to feed a baby who wasn't hungry, waiting on a train, a bee in my car, and having to take the dishes back out of the broken dishwasher and do them by hand. Like I said, it was a miracle.

But I did it. Resist the devil and he will flee from you, the scripture says.

At the doctor's office, I waited and waited. I allowed the TV to occupy my mind because I kept thinking surely it would be any minute now. About 45 minutes into the wait, I was kicking myself for not bringing a book to read. Hello? You NEVER go to an appointment without a book to read! And if you don't have a book to read, you can at least think about the one you are writing!

It was about right there that I started facing temptation to get resentful and angry. I could be cold and curt with the assistant who was taking forever. Or, I could be patient and kind to the woman who was anxiously rushing to get to me. Her plight helped me to just let go of the wasted time. I was much happier choosing not to get angry about the ordeal. In years past, I have spent hours in waiting rooms feeling angry, resentful, impatient and tense. It was nice to just sit back and not get angry.

Later, when I found myself waiting again, this time at the train, I thought about how this one thing really helps define a persons character. What do you do with your mind when you are forced to idle? What do you fill it with? Do you use the time to think creatively? To say an extra prayer? Do you stare at the TV screen in the waiting room just because it is on? Do you look around for opportunities to serve or be kind? Do you get angry at having to wait? Do you spend the whole time feeding your anger? I've done all of those things at different times in my life. What do you do?

A Little More Sun

I have six shamrocks sitting on my dining room table, clustered together. I bought them on clearance on Saint Patrick's Day. Every day, I walk by and admire them. Several days I have looked at them and noted how they didn't quite look as healthy as the day before. So I thought they must need more water. So I gave it to them. This happened several times. Today I noticed how much healthier the one on the end closest to the window looked. The leaves were all overlapping, so it was hard to assess the health of each plant until I pulled them apart. When I did, I discovered that most of them were drowning. They were still encased in their foil wrappers and water was almost spilling over one of them. I quickly dumped out the excess water and resolved to open the blinds and let the sun shine on them. I had misjudged their needs entirely. The one healthy shamrock on the very end grew much larger than the others and even sent up blooms. It was the only one who had enough sun.

I tell you this because it relates very well to my life the past couple of days and my previous post about the spontaneous versus the planning side of ourselves. I did a great job planning my week this week. I mapped out plans to exercise, spend time with my daughter, write, etc, etc. Monday did not go as planned. I was a wreck. How am I supposed to benefit from planning with a fussy baby and a demanding four year old? I couldn't even get through my routine on the elliptical. I yelled. I was less than Christlike. (Later I repented and as we told the Easter story to our daughter at Family Night, I had some raw material to demonstrate just how the Atonement works. After singing hymns together and dyeing Easter eggs, I felt much better about the day).

Anyway, then today was a perfect day. I wrote lots while the baby slept, had an unplanned picnic with Daddy because he forgot his lunch, engaged my daughter in the fun of the Magic Eraser and wall cleaning, got a few things on my to do list done, and still had time to laugh and play and sing with my family after dinner. I learned all the verses to a children's song that has eluded me for years, thanks to my daughter's excitement about it and help.

Yesterday, I thought I needed more planning and precision to fix my day. I kept watering and watering and planning and referring to the plan. Today, I realized that I was drowning. I didn't need more water. What I needed was a little more sun. Laughter, spontaneity, and good old-fashioned fun.

Getting There vs. Enjoying the Journey

I recently read an article written by Richard and Linda Eyre, the founders of valuesparenting.com, about Life Balance. It was about Getting There vs. Enjoying the Journey. I felt moved to share their insights with you here because since reading them myself, I have found it easier to simply enjoy life. Hakuna Matata, as it were.

I am a woman of lists. I schedule as much of my life as I possibly can because it keeps me sane. If I go more than a week without referring to my various lists, I begin to lose my marbles. The side of myself that is oriented toward “getting there” is very strong. I've improved over the years. I don't plan every day of our vacations any more. But I've spent a lot of time worrying about how much I have to do, want to do, should be doing and not enough time just enjoying. My spontaneous, fun-loving side needs a little, okay a lot, more nurturing.

The world seems to want us to stereotype ourselves as either serious or fun, a planner or a flexible “go with the flow” kind of person. In truth, we should be both. We should plan for the future because we do want to get there. But if we think that once we get there, we'll finally be happy, then we are dangerously wrong. All the work and worrying we do is with the mindset of just plugging through life, and one day we'll see the moment when we finally caught up, finally got what we wanted, etc, and then we'll be happy. Until then, it's just the hum drum daily routine. When we see the journey only as a means to an end, then we resent it. We take no time to notice beauty or opportunity. How sad!

The Eyres helped me to sloooow down and stop being obsessed with my to do lists. I stick to them for the most part, but am flexible enough to deviate when I see the need. Suddenly I am playing with the baby more and reading to my daughter more. I'm tickling her, and my husband, who flips out every time. He's very hard to catch. I'm cracking jokes and being silly. I'm still planning my days and weeks and even months. But as I do so, I'm asking myself how I can enjoy them, too. Now I'm not in such a hurry all the time. Life is way more fun this way.

And guess what? I'm able to do more of what Jesus would have me do. That brings the greatest joy of all.

Hope, Purpose and Enduring to the End

Most of you know that since my last post, I have given birth to a beautiful son. I've always been a natural, no drugs kinda girl. I believe God made my body to be able to do this and women have been giving birth since the beginning of time, so I should be able to as well. I did okay with my first one and so I thought I would be fine with this one, too. Well, everything went okay until the end and I sort of panicked when I felt the pain, which was worse this time. The only choice I had was to go on and finish. It didn't matter that I was exhausted or felt that I didn't have the strength or capacity to handle it. I had to get my son here and no one else could do it for me. Of course, once I was holding him, I forgot the pain and felt the sweet joy and relief that only a mother knows when her children are finally in her arms.

I have since reflected on the physical pain that so much of the human race has lived through. The pain of torture as a prisoner of war, the pain of chronic illness or disabling injury. People who have lived in past ages who had to undergo such physical hardship as I will never have to know. How could they have done it? Why do our spirits not flee our bodies in fear and shed the mortal shell to which they are bound? Where does the will to continue come from? The strength to keep fighting? I suppose Jesus Christ was the only being who really had the power to “commend [His] spirit” into the Father's hands. Even He shrank from the bitter cup with which He was presented.

There was a moment during my pain when I wept and mentally called on God for strength and help. I looked at my husband and it was as though my spirit received strength from him and from God. After that, I was able to do what I needed to do.
In those moments when the pain is excruciating, what is it that helps us through? My pain had a very clear purpose. But what about when there is no clear purpose? When we simply must have faith that God knows the purpose even if we can't see it?

I came to realize that the same thing that motivated me is what motivates any and all creatures to “endure to the end.” I had hope that my suffering would end and that it had a purpose: to bring one of God's beautiful children into the world.

Whether we know the specific purpose or not, as followers of Jesus Christ, we know that all our suffering is at the very least to teach us something and that we will not be given anything that we cannot bear. We have hope that no matter what happens now, all will turn out well in the end.

The scripture comes to mind, “Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life.”

Fight the Good Fight of Faith

I have not posted in a long time. A month, actually. I apologize. My energies have turned from making a spiritual and loving Christmas season for my family to preparations for having a new baby boy come to us and make us whole. We've dealt with sicknesses and overtime hours as well and that has been a challenge to my accomplishing the many tasks a mother feels are necessary before her baby comes.

I have had moments of quiet comfort from the Spirit of the Lord and reassurance come to me. I have been uplifted and strengthened. Yet I have not felt able to write a post because I have spiritually been hanging on by the skin of my teeth as far as keeping it together. Part of this is because I was so much more prepared for the birth of my daughter than I have been for this one. I spent so much time reflecting and visualizing and praying over her birth, mentally preparing myself for all I may have to face. This time, I have barely been able to keep up with normal life, much less prepare myself mentally.

Last week was a low point for me. I was frantically trying to accomplish all that I could while still physically capable. A good friend asked how I was doing and I admitted to feeling overwhelmed and ready for this pregnancy to be over. In her reply, she wisely counseled me “not to let the Adversary steal away any of the spiritual aspects of this experience for you.”

Her comment pierced my soul and I realized this is exactly what I was allowing Satan to do. I've been so distracted from spiritual things that I have not spent adequate time reflecting on the joyous moment this is for our family. From that moment, I began to recover from my “woe is me” attitude and focus on what truly matters.

Then I read 1 Timothy 6:12, where we are counseled to “fight the good fight of faith.” I realized that I had allowed so much doubt and negativity to enter my mind and heart that I was unable to exercise my faith. Faith and doubt cannot exist in the same heart at the same time. True faith will chase away doubt.

But many times, It - Is - A - Fight.

We are at war here on this earth. Good and evil are the opposing forces. Evil fights every chance it gets to try to own our hearts and minds. We must fight the good fight of faith and defeat it, choosing the good over the evil. That is why we are here.

I refer to this as fighting to regain the fullness of my faith. The fight is choosing to kneel in prayer, choosing to study His Word, choosing to act kindly, choosing to listen to and sing uplifting songs, choosing to repent of wrongdoing, choosing to spend time with family, choosing to discard negative thoughts and think more virtuous ones.

The Lord has blessed me with these last couple of weeks. I think He knew I would need them to finish up the necessary preparations, let go of the unnecessary ones and be motivated to go through whatever I need to go through to bring one of his precious sons into the world. He knew I would need the time to receive and bear witness to my daughter that bringing a child into this world is one of the most sacred experiences we can have and that it should be reverenced. He knew I would need the time to fight the good fight. I am so thankful He knows what I need.